White knight narcissists are a subset of covert narcissists that display more traits in common with overt narcissists than a typical covert narcissist.
Say that fast three times.
Sound confusing? Let’s break this down.
Narcissists share some common characteristics.
They may believe they are superior, special, entitled, and worthy of admiration and envy. They may be arrogant and exploitative in their relationships. They have no or low levels of empathy. They may fantasize about extreme success, power, attractiveness, etc.
I say may because narcissists vary in the number and severity of criteria they have.
All narcissists require narcissistic supply. They get supply in 2 ways:
- Ingratiation – Praise, admiration, respect, validation, attention
- Aggression – Devaluing others
What makes narcissists different is how they show these characteristics and how they choose to get supply.
Overt narcissists tend to openly express their beliefs of being superior, special, and entitled. They make these beliefs obvious.
Covert narcissists, on the other hand, have learned that people often don’t like those who feel superior, special, and entitled. So, while covert narcissists feel that way on the inside, they don’t show those beliefs to the world.
Overt narcissists tend to be flashy, successful, even wealthy. They get a lot of supply through ingratiation. Others admire and respect them – even want to be them. They receive attention through who they date, the cars they drive, their career success, and their looks.
They also get supply by exerting power and control over others. This contributes to their image of success, their persona.
Typical covert narcissists are less likely to be particularly educated, successful, or high earners. They largely get narcissistic supply through the attention of their flying monkeys by making themselves the victim or the hero in every story. When they’re very skilled, they are both victim and hero.
Covert narcissists also receive supply through aggression, also known as devaluation. Their devaluation techniques are often VERY subtle – passive aggressive putdowns, weaponized incompetence, undermining your success, sabotage, and gaslighting.
White knight narcissists are an interesting variation.
They know that their exaggerated self-importance, entitlement, arrogance, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and exploitative behaviors are perceived as negative to most people.
They adapt a persona that masks those beliefs. This makes them covert.
The way they get supply, however, is quite different.
The white knight narcissist is often in a position of power and respect due to their perceived altruism. They may…
- Volunteer a lot
- Run and fund programs to serve the community
- Make large donations to charity
- Lead non-profits
- Offer to help others move, do yard work, do home projects
The white knight narcissist is smart, educated, successful, powerful, and often wealthy. They receive a great deal of attention for using these gifts for good.
Their false narrative paints them the hero in their stories – maybe even the unaware victim who is giving and generous to a fault. The white narcissist does not openly play the victim.
They do subtly ensure their good deeds are noticed. Their donations of time and other resources are not anonymous.
Contrast the covert narcissist.
The typical covert narcissist tends to come off as not so smart, easily taken advantage of, friendly, compassionate, a people-pleaser, and someone unwilling to rock the boat. They get attention by being the victim. Their false narrative is a sob story – their childhood, their past relationships, their job. They get reassurance and validation when they are down on themselves, or share that others are.
Covert narcissists fantasize about being the hero white knight narcissists present themselves to be.
If you confront a narcissist (call them out on their bad behavior/defend yourself), will they discard you (go away) forever?
The narcissist will do one of 3 things.
When you confront a narcissist and call them out on their behavior or stand up for yourself, the narcissist experiences narcissistic injury.
Their idealized self, their persona, has been challenged. That is both terrifying and hurtful to them at the same time.
Next comes narcissistic rage.
Depending on the narcissist, you may or may not see the rage.
- Some will fly off the handle, becoming verbally and/or physically abusive
- Some will hide it entirely, then find ways to sabotage and punish you
Either way, you’ll pay.
After the narcissist feels the injury, they will react in one of 3 ways.
#1 The narcissist will deny, deflect, and dismiss.
When you call the narcissist out, they will adamantly deny what you say is true, even in the face of evidence. They will tell you you’re mistaken, you’ve misunderstood, that they were messing with you and it was a joke, or that your insecurity made you see something that wasn’t there.
Next, they will deflect the conversation to something they find wrong with you. This shifts you to defense — defense of yourself, your motives, your character. While the focus is on you, they are off the hook.
Finally, they will dismiss you as overreacting, crazy, or being too sensitive, controlling, or insecure.
Suppose you confront your husband with evidence of their cheating. You’ve found condoms in his glove box, plane tickets for two (your husband and another woman), then searched his phone and found the text string. It’s obvious they talk to each other like a couple.
He adamantly denies anything is going on, adamantly denies having an affair. He tells you the condoms are there in case the two of you want to have sex in the car – he likes to be prepared. He tells you the plane tickets are for him and a work colleague. He tells you the text string was a joke, that he knows how jealous and insecure you are, so they planted a fake text conversation to mess with you if you were insecure enough to check his phone.
Now he launches into a conversation about your insecurity and jealousy. You see, the real problem is you. He tries to convince you your behavior is proof.
Then he says, you need to fix your problem. There’s nothing he can do about your insecurity.
Eventually, you feel so exhausted and beaten down by the conversation that you just want it to be over. He’s won.
#2 The narcissist will offer a false apology and become the victim.
When you call the narcissist out and take a stand for yourself, first the narcissist will offer a false apology. It may sound and feel sincere. They may even mean it sincerely in that moment.
Yet their behavior does not change. They are unwilling to do what it takes to make positive change. Their actions do not match their words.
Next, they make themselves the victim by providing excuses for their behavior. They do not truly own it as theirs.
Suppose your wife spends an extra $1000 from the household budget on wants, not needs. You confront her about her spending as this behavior has negatively impacted the family’s finances.
She apologizes profusely, saying, “I know it’s a problem. I’m so sorry. I won’t let it happen again. Please don’t be upset. I didn’t mean to go over the budget. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I know that’s terrible. I’m a terrible person. My mom used to hide spending from my dad. She used to buy us stuff behind his back when we had a bad day. It’s not an excuse, but it’s what I learned at home.”
It is an excuse, an excuse presented by an adult who is avoiding responsibility for their behavior, an adult who has now become the victim. Next thing you know, you are comforting her.
They avoid taking responsibility and receive a ton of narcissistic supply. It’s no wonder they do it.
#3 The narcissist will discard and discredit.
You call out the narcissist on their behavior and take a stand. The overt narcissist may decide you’re just too much work – it’s easier to get supply elsewhere. They will discard.
When you do this with a covert narcissist after their mask has slipped and they know you saw their true self, the narcissistic injury is too great, their rage is too intense. You have shifted to “all bad” and they can no longer hold a positive impression of any part of the relationship.
You have threatened not only their idealized self, their false persona, but also their made-up version of reality. Their house of cards is at risk of tumbling down and they are terrified.
They will either discard you or torture you until you discard them. If their persona is the victim who is beaten down by mean old you, getting you to discard them supports that story.
The covert narcissist isn’t watching and waiting. They’ve already started discrediting you. The stories broadcast to their flying monkeys at this point are about how you humiliated them, belittled them, denigrated them.
They share how abusive you are. The flying monkeys encourage them to leave, to leave this abusive relationship. They appear weak, making excuses for why they need to stay. They relish the opportunity to play the victim.
They share how dishonest and untrustworthy you are. They share stories that make you look crazy. This is all done with a “Don’t tell anyone I told you this. I’m so embarrassed…”
The covert narcissist discredits and smears you to limit the impact of your exposing them.
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.
Let me give it to you straight.
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.
The narcissist is solely motivated by two things:
- Obtaining narcissistic supply
- Preserving their idealized self and made-up version of reality
You are someone who has the power to disrupt both of those things. You have the power to expose their true self and reveal the truth behind their made-up world.
The more you know, the more of their truth you’ve seen, the more dangerous you are.
You are a threat that must be neutralized.
At this point, the narcissist needs to destabilize, quiet, and discredit you as quickly as possible.
Turns out this is pretty simple. They have a legion of flying monkeys prepped and ready to jump to their aid.
What is a flying monkey?
Flying monkeys are people groomed by the narcissist to abuse the narcissist’s victims.
The narcissist has power and control over them. Flying monkeys believe whatever the narcissist says without discernment, meaning they have no interest in determining if it’s actually true. The flying monkeys go to extreme lengths to propagate this “truth,” and deliver your punishment.
Now you’d think these dangerous people would be obvious — dressed in black walking two steps behind them like their lackeys – but you’d be wrong. The narcissist’s flying monkeys are YOUR family, YOUR friends, YOUR co-workers, YOUR neighbors, in addition to their friends, family, and co-workers.
Until you see the truth, the dance between narcissist and flying monkeys is invisible to the victim. Together, they deliver the abuse.
The best part (for the narcissist) is, they can do all of this without you knowing. That’s how they destabilize you.
The narcissist has shared “in confidence” heinous, far-fetched allegations…
- You never gave them a birthday gift for decades.
- You stowed money offshore.
- You stole money from the kids.
- You had numerous affairs.
- You were fired for misconduct.
- You were abusive to them.
- You neglected the kids.
- You killed their pet.
I say “in confidence” because the narcissist uses this strategy to make the flying monkey feel special while hoping that the allegation is spread far and wide.
Mind you, despite the lack of any credible evidence, the flying monkey believes this allegation as if it were from God’s mouth. Because they worship the narcissist, in some ways it is.
After a period of time, often in the midst of a legal or other proceeding, you hear the allegation for the first time.
You are stunned — destabilized. Nothing about it is true.
Your mind is scrambling trying to figure out how anyone could think that, how you can defend yourself and prove it’s untrue, how you can figure out what in the hell is going on. You feel panic, overwhelm, desperation.
You’ve lost your support system. You’re alone, struggling to right yourself. Your focus has shifted entirely to defense – defense from these ridiculous allegations.
You’re so busy trying to defend your character, your good name, that you lose any offensive edge for outing the narcissist’s true self and true reality. You’ve been quieted.
Your defense of yourself, your evidence, your claims that numerous respected people, people that have known you for decades, are lying makes you look crazy. You’re discredited in the eyes of the court, the church, the community.
Threat neutralized.
This answer is for informational and educational purposes only an…
“Petty Tyrant” : This American Life
In Schenectady, New York, a school maintenance man named Steve Raucci works his way up the ranks for 30 years, until finally he’s in charge of the maintenance department. That’s when he starts messing with his employees. Teasing them at meetings. Punishing them with crummy work assignments. Or worse things, like secretly slashing their tires in the middle of the night.
Ten years after his arrest, Steve Raucci broke his silence and gave an interview to Paul Nelson at the Times Union in Albany.
Act One
Sarah Koenig tells Raucci’s story—the story of a virtuoso tyrant and bully, a man who made himself feared and untouchable, in a place where no one thought to look for a tyrant. (28 minutes)