Gaslighting at work? Too many times to count. People have stolen credit for my work and one even bragged to me about winning an award. For the work I did. Infuriating. Best to leave, I help people make their exit plan and find a new opportunity. Would love more videos like this Dr. Ramani, excellent work.
I went through hoop after hoop for what they promised.after I did everything they asked and more because they piled on the demands,they filled my position and said that I “did not fit the big picture” of who they were looking for.i wasted so much time and money on this job.they fired me and I am glad.i have a new job in a healthy environment.blessings and love to all of you
- One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”
- Dr.often brings me to tears I feel like she is the only person who truly gets it. I’m gobsmacked by the accuracy of her descriptions.
- I love how once you show you are fighting against baiting, narcissists will start trying anything to get a rise out of you.
- My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don’t you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
- One thing that a narcissist tell you when you’re beginning to analyze the situation is that ” you’re paranoid” or ” you’re crazy”
- Her final act of baiting was close to the end of a 7 year relationship and was with her at the wheel of an automobile with me as a passenger on a busy Interstate freeway. I had already been Grey Rocking and not taking the bait and she was in need of a hit of supply. Her driving quickly became aggressive and dangerous. It scared the crap out of me and I knew she was trying to get me to react. As tough as it was I just kept my mouth shut knowing there was really no right or wrong choice I could make in this situation. After this wild ride I never put myself in such a dangerous situation with her again and left the relationship soon afterwards.
- I caught that smirk on my parent narc many many years ago. It was almost like my narc was having an inner conversation congratulating herself for getting me upset. It was so blatant I just starred at her in disbelief and disgust. She came out of her self-congratulatory trance and saw the look on my face and suddenly went off on a tangent screaming that I thought I was better than her and how horrible I was. Truth is she was right, in that moment I realized how sick she was, and that none of it was my fault. That’s the first time I realized the sick game she was playing and that I needed to get out. Years later I stumbled upon stories of people with toxic narcissism and Dr. Ramani and finally connected the dots. What a relief to know I’m not alone and not a crazy loser!
- “Once they’ve stepped away, once they’ve disappeared, the moment you’re alone, cry and yell it out. Just don’t let them see it. Don’t give them that satisfaction.” What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you’ll ever have. And it’s ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can do it!
- It helped to record the narc’s episodes and listen to them when getting soft and sucked back in the vicious cycle. The narc’s new friends (future victims) that didn’t believe me because they had not experience the sociopathic episodes yet, were shocked. Yes that smooth charming, well spoken person, can be the most emotionally and mentally abusive individual if you don’t let her be in full control.
- Thank you! I just resigned from a committee because of this exact thing. One of the members was baiting and triangulating and as soon as I recognized what was going on, I understood that this was going to be the status quo and I walked. The bizarre thing was that it was all volunteer work and there was zero status to be gained. The power play accomplished nothing but making it impossible to do the work. It’s hard because you want to tell people they’re being played, but you know they won’t believe you. But I can protect me and refuse to participate.
- I know this video is a year old, but listening to it I’m hearing his voice again all over again. Word-for-word you nailed it. Now nearly two years after I left the relationship, it still hurts to hear those same words. He took it all the way, and when I didn’t respond, he then ramped it up, flinging ridiculous accusations at me, causing me to refute his claims when he struck that nerve. That was his touchdown moment. Sometimes I feel no closer to healing than I did in the weeks that followed my exodus. Yet I have to remind myself, look how far I’ve come in moving on! Look what I did in 2 years, things I dared not do before! It’s a struggle, the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for getting me to this point! 💜
- Following an argument with my narcissistic husband I was once ordered to visit a behavioural therapist on the grounds I was deranged, that I that had a ‘darkness’ in me and that I needed help.. I only went along with it to shut him up and get away for a while. I already knew I wasn’t the crazy one in the marriage. Anyway, following my description of him on an average day, the therapist asked me to invite him along for the next session lol. When I told my husband that the therapist would love to see him the following week and that there was nothing for him to be scared of, the sessions were cancelled and the subject of me being crazy / possessed was dropped 😂 (well, until his next meltdown happened).
- When dealing with narcs, I find it useful to turn the tables. Instead of getting defensive, I remind them that they are bothered by an issue within themselves, not with me. They should fix that issue. Perhaps therapy? Watch them go nuts! Be calm. Tell them to calm down. Be woke and leave the conversation as soon as they attack you. You are not the problem-do not be the victim, either. Bullies like a victim- do not be one. Do NOT get defensive. My sister and mother love to start a big fight, then when I got riled up, I could watch them smiling. I would shut down to avoid this. I learned to approach them like crazy people and calmly smile, shake my head and ask them what drama they endured today. Again, they went nuts because they feed on chaos. It takes practice and training, but you can live with them if you have to. Don’t engage in defense.
- My children’s father was a master at this. I became the crazy one who overreacted to his sick manipulative actions. Then he became the perfect parent who “never badmouthed” me and l the unreliable one. Frequently, such as having the children ask me if they could go skiing on the weekend they are to be with me then holding back child support so we were not able to financially do such activities. And of course l took the bait for soo long. It was actually his parents who came to my support. May they rest in peace. It’s taken me 45 years to just now understand this, thank you 🙏🏾
- When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
- This reminds me of my mother, especially the part where she accused me of things I didn’t do. When I moved far away, she tried to bait me, mostly by going after my boyfriend (making wild accusations about him), I kept ignoring her. When I was younger her baiting would work on me, and then she would gaslight. “Look at you! You’re always so angry!”, then she would go into full denial mood when I pointed out how she had just been acting. She would suddenly be all calm and claim, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything, you are. I’m just standing here.”
The narcissist will do one of 3 things.
When you confront a narcissist and call them out on their behavior or stand up for yourself, the narcissist experiences narcissistic injury.
Their idealized self, their persona, has been challenged. That is both terrifying and hurtful to them at the same time.
Next comes narcissistic rage.
Depending on the narcissist, you may or may not see the rage.
- Some will fly off the handle, becoming verbally and/or physically abusive
- Some will hide it entirely, then find ways to sabotage and punish you
Either way, you’ll pay.
After the narcissist feels the injury, they will react in one of 3 ways.
#1 The narcissist will deny, deflect, and dismiss.
When you call the narcissist out, they will adamantly deny what you say is true, even in the face of evidence. They will tell you you’re mistaken, you’ve misunderstood, that they were messing with you and it was a joke, or that your insecurity made you see something that wasn’t there.
Next, they will deflect the conversation to something they find wrong with you. This shifts you to defense — defense of yourself, your motives, your character. While the focus is on you, they are off the hook.
Finally, they will dismiss you as overreacting, crazy, or being too sensitive, controlling, or insecure.
Suppose you confront your husband with evidence of their cheating. You’ve found condoms in his glove box, plane tickets for two (your husband and another woman), then searched his phone and found the text string. It’s obvious they talk to each other like a couple.
He adamantly denies anything is going on, adamantly denies having an affair. He tells you the condoms are there in case the two of you want to have sex in the car – he likes to be prepared. He tells you the plane tickets are for him and a work colleague. He tells you the text string was a joke, that he knows how jealous and insecure you are, so they planted a fake text conversation to mess with you if you were insecure enough to check his phone.
Now he launches into a conversation about your insecurity and jealousy. You see, the real problem is you. He tries to convince you your behavior is proof.
Then he says, you need to fix your problem. There’s nothing he can do about your insecurity.
Eventually, you feel so exhausted and beaten down by the conversation that you just want it to be over. He’s won.
#2 The narcissist will offer a false apology and become the victim.
When you call the narcissist out and take a stand for yourself, first the narcissist will offer a false apology. It may sound and feel sincere. They may even mean it sincerely in that moment.
Yet their behavior does not change. They are unwilling to do what it takes to make positive change. Their actions do not match their words.
Next, they make themselves the victim by providing excuses for their behavior. They do not truly own it as theirs.
Suppose your wife spends an extra $1000 from the household budget on wants, not needs. You confront her about her spending as this behavior has negatively impacted the family’s finances.
She apologizes profusely, saying, “I know it’s a problem. I’m so sorry. I won’t let it happen again. Please don’t be upset. I didn’t mean to go over the budget. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I know that’s terrible. I’m a terrible person. My mom used to hide spending from my dad. She used to buy us stuff behind his back when we had a bad day. It’s not an excuse, but it’s what I learned at home.”
It is an excuse, an excuse presented by an adult who is avoiding responsibility for their behavior, an adult who has now become the victim. Next thing you know, you are comforting her.
They avoid taking responsibility and receive a ton of narcissistic supply. It’s no wonder they do it.
#3 The narcissist will discard and discredit.
You call out the narcissist on their behavior and take a stand. The overt narcissist may decide you’re just too much work – it’s easier to get supply elsewhere. They will discard.
When you do this with a covert narcissist after their mask has slipped and they know you saw their true self, the narcissistic injury is too great, their rage is too intense. You have shifted to “all bad” and they can no longer hold a positive impression of any part of the relationship.
You have threatened not only their idealized self, their false persona, but also their made-up version of reality. Their house of cards is at risk of tumbling down and they are terrified.
They will either discard you or torture you until you discard them. If their persona is the victim who is beaten down by mean old you, getting you to discard them supports that story.
The covert narcissist isn’t watching and waiting. They’ve already started discrediting you. The stories broadcast to their flying monkeys at this point are about how you humiliated them, belittled them, denigrated them.
They share how abusive you are. The flying monkeys encourage them to leave, to leave this abusive relationship. They appear weak, making excuses for why they need to stay. They relish the opportunity to play the victim.
They share how dishonest and untrustworthy you are. They share stories that make you look crazy. This is all done with a “Don’t tell anyone I told you this. I’m so embarrassed…”
The covert narcissist discredits and smears you to limit the impact of your exposing them.
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.
1) Excuse me/you’re interrupting: a way of distracting from the point you made.
2) Just because I didn’t do it how you wanted: make you feel guilty, turn it back on you
3) What about your issues? Let me avoid responsibility for my behavior.
4) I’m sorry, what more do you want from me: narcissistic pho apology.
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect, I’m sorry you feel that way -> turn the focus back on you.
5) You made me .. cheat, lose my job. It’s your fault.
6) You’re the only one who feels that way.
gaslight you, make you feel bad