When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.

Let me give it to you straight.

When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.

The narcissist is solely motivated by two things:

  • Obtaining narcissistic supply
  • Preserving their idealized self and made-up version of reality

You are someone who has the power to disrupt both of those things. You have the power to expose their true self and reveal the truth behind their made-up world.

The more you know, the more of their truth you’ve seen, the more dangerous you are.

You are a threat that must be neutralized.

At this point, the narcissist needs to destabilize, quiet, and discredit you as quickly as possible.

Turns out this is pretty simple. They have a legion of flying monkeys prepped and ready to jump to their aid.

What is a flying monkey?

Flying monkeys are people groomed by the narcissist to abuse the narcissist’s victims.

The narcissist has power and control over them. Flying monkeys believe whatever the narcissist says without discernment, meaning they have no interest in determining if it’s actually true. The flying monkeys go to extreme lengths to propagate this “truth,” and deliver your punishment.

Now you’d think these dangerous people would be obvious — dressed in black walking two steps behind them like their lackeys – but you’d be wrong. The narcissist’s flying monkeys are YOUR family, YOUR friends, YOUR co-workers, YOUR neighbors, in addition to their friends, family, and co-workers.

Until you see the truth, the dance between narcissist and flying monkeys is invisible to the victim. Together, they deliver the abuse.

The best part (for the narcissist) is, they can do all of this without you knowing. That’s how they destabilize you.

The narcissist has shared “in confidence” heinous, far-fetched allegations…

  • You never gave them a birthday gift for decades.
  • You stowed money offshore.
  • You stole money from the kids.
  • You had numerous affairs.
  • You were fired for misconduct.
  • You were abusive to them.
  • You neglected the kids.
  • You killed their pet.

I say “in confidence” because the narcissist uses this strategy to make the flying monkey feel special while hoping that the allegation is spread far and wide.

Mind you, despite the lack of any credible evidence, the flying monkey believes this allegation as if it were from God’s mouth. Because they worship the narcissist, in some ways it is.

After a period of time, often in the midst of a legal or other proceeding, you hear the allegation for the first time.

You are stunned — destabilized. Nothing about it is true.

Your mind is scrambling trying to figure out how anyone could think that, how you can defend yourself and prove it’s untrue, how you can figure out what in the hell is going on. You feel panic, overwhelm, desperation.

You’ve lost your support system. You’re alone, struggling to right yourself. Your focus has shifted entirely to defense – defense from these ridiculous allegations.

You’re so busy trying to defend your character, your good name, that you lose any offensive edge for outing the narcissist’s true self and true reality. You’ve been quieted.

Your defense of yourself, your evidence, your claims that numerous respected people, people that have known you for decades, are lying makes you look crazy. You’re discredited in the eyes of the court, the church, the community.

Threat neutralized.

433

Kick Against the Pricks

It turns out that in the tallest skyscrapers and plushest hotels of the most advanced economies, many high-profile men have been acting the part of feudal lords, demanding droit du seigneur from their vassals, the vassals in this case being their female employees and others wishing entry into their fiefdoms. Evidently there’s been a covert system of taxation on female advancement in the work world, with the unluckier among us obligated to render not just the usual fealty demanded by overweening bosses but varying degrees of sexual homage too, from ego-stroking and fluffing (which is gross enough), to being grabbed and groped, to the expectation of silence about full-on rape.

.. historians have written extensively on the importance of gossip and its venues, such as coffeehouses, in fomenting previous revolutions

.. Every revolution has its weapons of choice—once it was muskets and guillotines, this time around it’s “sharing” and media exposure. It wasn’t heads that were rolling, it was careers: contracts yanked, deals canceled, agents quitting, e-mail accounts shuttered.

.. When the Times recently compiled the names of twenty-four prominent men accused of sexual harassment, it did rather bring to mind the spectacle of heads on a pike in a public square

.. If recent events tell us anything, it’s that power is a social agreement, not a stable entity. The despots had power because they did things that were socially valued and profitable, but the terms of the agreement can shift abruptly.

.. Social upheavals like the current one—chaotic and improvised, yet destined—happen when certain echelons retract their consent to existing conditions and make new demands. Gramsci calls it “war of position.” Toppling power isn’t about storming the Bastille these days, it’s about changing the way people talk and think. If our upheavals come dressed in different garb, creating a crisis of authority for those in power is still how the world changes.

.. But speaking of unlikely agents, that one of the more significant battlefield wins recently was achieved by a former Miss America, Gretchen Carlson, is tough for those who’d prefer their feminist victories to come from women with better feminist credentials.

.. Unfortunately you won’t learn any of this from Be Fierce—you don’t get $20 million without a nondisclosure agreement.

.. It’s from Sherman we learn that Carlson secretly recorded her meetings with Ailes on her phone for a year and a half—including his remark that the two of them should have had sex long ago to resolve their differences, spoken sometime before she was fired (after an eleven-year stint as a newscaster) and sometime after she lodged complaints about the climate of sexism at Fox, for which Ailes labeled her a “man hater” and demoted her.

.. The less job security you have, the worse it is; fast food workers are especially vulnerable.

.. Women who come forward are likely to be passed over for promotions and good assignments, or find their jobs mysteriously eliminated.

.. On rare occasions when a boss-harasser is actually fired, the woman who brought him down often gets treated like a leper by his allies. The majority of those who report harassment end up in different jobs, which makes it understandable that, according to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, 70 percent of women who are harassed don’t report it.

.. Have a plan before you go to HR or you’ll find your options predetermined; you may have a mandatory arbitration clause in your employment contract you don’t know about

.. Trump himself boasts of barging into dressing rooms in the Miss Teen USA contest to gape at unclothed teenage girls. Upon purchasing the Miss USA franchise, he says, he “made the heels higher and the bathing suits smaller.”

.. The “idealized pedestal” Miss America gets put on is itself a form of disempowerment, Carlson eventually came to realize. True, and if you flip to your local Fox affiliate, you’ll see the same compliant femininity distilled to its purest iteration. Like beauty contestants, the women of Fox are hired on the basis of looks, then laminated into near mannequins.

.. The point is that the way Ailes expected “his” women to dress makes clear the role they were expected to play: receptacles

.. If those who signed on had difficulty speaking out about harassment in the workplace because they felt shame regarding the trade-offs they’d made—and many have said that they did—shame is what women are meant to feel in this equation.

.. The convenience of misogyny is that men are spared from hating themselves because they have women to hate instead.

.. You want to know when to tell someone to shut up and when to jump out of a moving car.

This would also involve the ability to distinguish between force and power.

.. Those who didn’t buy into it seem to have fared better. The actress Lupita Nyong’o recalled several encounters with Weinstein in an essay for The New York Times. When he trotted out his familiar moves, she refused to play the expected role: when he asked to give her a massage, she turned the tables and gave him one instead, consciously putting herself in control of the situation. When he tried taking off his pants, she walked to the door, not giving him the satisfaction of seeming intimidated. And he backed down. She seems to have understood that Weinstein may have had power over her career, but he didn’t have power over her, and making that distinction gave her more options for negotiating a bad situation.

.. Anthony Weiner has been the public face of the sexual tic for some years now: a man of demonstrable intelligence under the sway of a compulsion so intellectually disabling that after a string of previous life-wrecking exposures, he still allowed himself to be set up once again, this time by a fifteen-year-old. Anyone could have seen from ten miles away that it was a frame—anyone but Weiner, that is. (The girl later said she was trying to influence the course of the 2016 presidential election, which she probably did—James Comey reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s e-mails after seizing Weiner’s computer once his new friend turned him in.)

.. feminist Dorothy Dinnerstein’s The Mermaid and the Minotaur (1976): the problem for men is that they had mothers.

.. Mother-dominated child-rearing, thought Dinnerstein, is the reason behind men’s loathing of women and everything culturally inscribed as female

.. men can’t give up ruling the world until women cease to have a monopoly on ruling childhood. To push Dinnerstein’s speculations to an even gloomier place: do mothers take out on their sons the abuses they themselves have suffered at the hands of men?

..  Online feminism is itself a playground of bullying and viperishness, most of it under the banner of rectitude.

 

How Liz Smith invented Donald Trump

Liz Smith claimed to have invented Donald Trump, and in a powerful and enduring way, she did.

.. The legendary gossip columnist, who died Sunday at 94, started delivering her daily dish about New York celebrities in 1976, the same year the brash Australian press lord Rupert Murdoch bought the New York Post and transformed it into a British-style splash of lurid headlines, crime-drenched reporting and juicy gossip.

.. Smith and Trump were made for each other. She was a kinder, gentler gossipmonger, winning access to celebrities by telling the stories they wanted told rather than the more slashing tidbits that turned some columnists into personae non gratae among the boldface names. And he was a young real estate mogul hungry to establish himself as one of the city’s biggest names.

.. Trump had been schooled in the art of manipulating the news media by his mentor Roy Cohn, the New York lawyer who had launched his own career in the 1950s by enlisting the 20th century’s greatest gossip columnist, Walter Winchell, as a booster for Sen. Joseph McCarthy’s communist-hunting crusade.

.. Cohn had urged him to cultivate the gossip columnists, to make appearances at the right nightspots, to make certain that he was being seen and recorded with the hottest models and rising stars on his arm.

.. Trump used the tabloids to establish himself as a champion of the little guy. “When we would talk particularly to immigrants, recent immigrants who were the readers of the Daily News, they would always want to know about Donald Trump,” said News gossip columnist George Rush. “He embodied the American Dream to them. Excessive conspicuous consumption is not a bad thing in New York to a lot of people.”

.. The tabloid war was on, as Smith wrote about nothing but the Trumps for several months, trading scoops with the Post’s Cindy Adams, who took Donald’s side as Smith became an advocate for her own source, Ivana.

.. The Daily News plastered Trump split stories on the front page for 12 days in a row; the Post responded with eight consecutive Trump headlines on Page One.

.. The stories were a bonanza for the newspapers, and Trump later said that the divorce episode put him on the celebrity map, despite any pain that may have stemmed from having his personal life exposed. “Liz Smith used to kiss my ass so much it was embarrassing,” Trump wrote

.. The Ivana-and-Donald story made Smith a star, establishing her as the highest-paid print journalist in the country. And it lifted Trump to a new level of fame and infamy. He relished the idea that he was the talk of the town, both in the boardrooms from which he’d always felt excluded and in the barrooms where, he believed, middle-class New Yorkers aspired to be like him.