Frank Yeomans describes the spectrum of narcissism, from healthy all the way to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). He mentions the current epidemic of narcissism in young people who are isolating in their parents’ basements, unable to take on the challenges of life and “fantasizing about who they might be and not ever being anything.”
We talked with Frank Yeomans about Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
Frank Yeomans is an expert clinician who makes use of Transference-Focused Psychotherapy in his practice treating NPD and BPD. In fact, he co-wrote the manual on TFP for Borderline Personality Disorder!
Gaslighting defined
Gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gaslighting would be a partner doing something abusive and then denying it happened. Gaslighters may also convince their victims that they’re mentally unfit or too sensitive
- manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
Is it normal for cops to gaslight?
It’s part of the game of interview & interrogation. If you just take someone’s statement at face value you are not doing your job as a law enforcement officer and investigator. Hopefully by questioning a person’s statement you will get the truth and send the right person to trial.
Gaslighting occurs for The sole purpose of harassment and no other reason. A police interview serves a purpose.
(both are done to achieve power and control over others)
What are some gaslighting phrases?What are some gaslighting phrases?
When you express your feelings to someone who did you wrong;
- I am sorry you feel that way (demeaning, devaluing feelings and presuming a superior position in projecting blame onto you)
- You have that wrong
- That didn’t happen (attempting to make you doubt your reality)
- You are overreacting
- You are too sensitive (devaluing your feelings)
- The latest one ‘it is better to be kind than to be right’. Twisting the meaning to suit; to attempt to make out you are the unkind one when calling out what they did wrong and/or were disrespectful of you. This is to make you doubt yourself (you were the unkind one) and attempt to rob you of your reality (gaslighting in action) – and when saying it to others, it is a character assassination (malice). In reality calling out disrespect and moving away from it is the kind and right thing to do for ourselves – always.
- You will never find anyone else (went on to find my soulmate once I got rid of him. They see your strength and try and bring you down to make it your reality).
- You have issues (demeaning and taking the superior position in the attempts to deflect from their wrong doing to make you doubt yourself, your reality of what they did wrong to you.)
- There is something wrong with you (projecting)
- You are crazy
- You are weird
- Oh isn’t she nasty or unsociable etc (when you move away from them respectfully – in comes the character assassination gossip).
Laugh it off and keep bringing the focus back onto what happened – the truth. As gaslighting is a means of deflecting from the reality of what they did to you. Stand in your truth – unmoved and do not buy into what they say. I zone out as soon as I here any of the above – one ear out the other. It is more likely to upset those with low self esteem and confidence. Build yours up and stand your ground and then they can’t touch you. Moving onto to those who are worth your time, focus and energy – those who respect and value you (including your feelings).
People who gaslight do so for various reasons. They are insecure people who cannot take responsibility for their actions. Usually for dominance and control when in the wrong and seek to justify to retain superiority. And they don’t want to take accountability for their actions that are wrong or harm – not caring about the others feeling or they don’t want to deal with their inadequacies or guilt – so they will blame and project. They will have trouble in all their relationships – and may enter into mutually abusive ones.
Stay with your truth and keep bringing it back when they deflect. Then do what is kind and good for you – move away from such people for good. To those who value your feelings and respect you – those worthy or your energy and time with head held high.
Police Allowed to Gaslight, but not officially
If I remember correctly, all police departments allow their sworn officers to “gaslight”, but they need special permission. Some do not allow the officers to wear their uniform while working a part-time security job. That makes sense because, if a gaslighting officer takes police action, and they are wearing their police department uniform, the municipality the officer works for may be responsible for any errors the officer commits. That makes the municipality liable to a lawsuit; and that’s not a good thing.
What are some gaslighting phrases?
When you express your feelings to someone who did you wrong;
- I am sorry you feel that way (demeaning, devaluing feelings and presuming a superior position in projecting blame onto you)
- You have that wrong
- That didn’t happen (attempting to make you doubt your reality)
- You are overreacting
- You are too sensitive (devaluing your feelings)
- The latest one ‘it is better to be kind than to be right’. Twisting the meaning to suit; to attempt to make out you are the unkind one when calling out what they did wrong and/or were disrespectful of you. This is to make you doubt yourself (you were the unkind one) and attempt to rob you of your reality (gaslighting in action) – and when saying it to others, it is a character assassination (malice). In reality calling out disrespect and moving away from it is the kind and right thing to do for ourselves – always.
- You will never find anyone else (went on to find my soulmate once I got rid of him. They see your strength and try and bring you down to make it your reality).
- You have issues (demeaning and taking the superior position in the attempts to deflect from their wrong doing to make you doubt yourself, your reality of what they did wrong to you.)
- There is something wrong with you (projecting)
- You are crazy
- You are weird
- Oh isn’t she nasty or unsociable etc (when you move away from them respectfully – in comes the character assassination gossip).
Laugh it off and keep bringing the focus back onto what happened – the truth. As gaslighting is a means of deflecting from the reality of what they did to you. Stand in your truth – unmoved and do not buy into what they say. I zone out as soon as I here any of the above – one ear out the other. It is more likely to upset those with low self esteem and confidence. Build yours up and stand your ground and then they can’t touch you. Moving onto to those who are worth your time, focus and energy – those who respect and value you (including your feelings).
People who gaslight do so for various reasons. They are insecure people who cannot take responsibility for their actions. Usually for dominance and control when in the wrong and seek to justify to retain superiority. And they don’t want to take accountability for their actions that are wrong or harm – not caring about the others feeling or they don’t want to deal with their inadequacies or guilt – so they will blame and project. They will have trouble in all their relationships – and may enter into mutually abusive ones.
Stay with your truth and keep bringing it back when they deflect. Then do what is kind and good for you – move away from such people for good. To those who value your feelings and respect you – those worthy or your energy and time with head held high.
Why do narcissists want to gaslight you?
They don’t want to, they need to. This technique is how they get to the point of controlling you…essentially making you second guess yourself, the more the gaslighting happens, the more you second guess yourself until you start doubting yourself and feeling like there’s something wrong with you because you seem to not be able to remember anything correctly…making it easier for them to subtly start controlling you without you even knowing it…making you lean on them even more because they are being so loving and supportive…and the more experienced the narcissist is, the quicker this process happens…and the quicker this process happens, the sooner they can begin to unmask and show their true selves…and believe me, you ‘ain’t’ seen nothin’ yet.
Successfully gaslighting you over and over and over again. You now have been blamed for absolutely everything for so long………it’s been so drilled into your head that it’s always your fault, that you now believe that it really is all your fault.
So now…he can put even more limits on you…while he gets to behave and do whatever the h#|| he wants to do…because even if he cheats…or doesn’t come home at night…or spends the bill money on junk…or loses/quits his job…damages property…backs you into a corner…calls you every name in the book and then some (even in front of small children)…yells in your face…
…IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT…
…and when all of that is engrained in your head long enough…you believe it…and you spend all of your time doing everything you possibly can to keep him happy, but knowing that you probably forgot something that will upset him…or you’ll ‘stupidly’ ask him a simple question like, ‘How was work, hunny?’ or, ‘Hey babe? Did you get the gas bill paid?’ and completely set him off…and just when things settle down for a while and you feel like things have gotten better…you get up the nerve to finally try to talk about the eggshells you’ve been walking on because you’re trying really hard, and you tell him how much you love him and how you know he loves you too, and he tells you he does love you and then goes into all of his self pity stories and he ends up in tears…and he apologizes for his angry outbursts (not a real apology, just enough of one to make you think he’s being sincere)…and 15 minutes later, he notices that you didnt get to the laundry that day, and he loses his sh¡t and starts throwing everything around, and the kids are crying and he won’t allow you to go console them.
…and you believe it’s all tour fault because had you just done the laundry, he wouldn’t be so angy right now and so now you’re apologizing for upsetting him by forgetting the laundry and you spend the rest of the week trying to make that up to him…not knowing that you’ll NEVER be good enough…not knowing that you’ve been brainwashed…not knowing that you have no idea what kind of person you’re really dealing with…
…and until you learn about narcissism and gaslighting, you’ll have no clue what’s happened to you. All you know is that you are not the same you that came into the relationship.
Why do they gaslight??? To make you feel crazy and confused, opening yourself up to their manipulation because you feel like you don’t even know which way is up anymore…literally.
Whom does a narcissist respect?
Here are the people narcissists absolutely respect:
people they can’t have- If you want to hook a narcissist into a relationship that is just based on a sexual and non committed relationship just fuck their brains out and don’t call them. Show no interest in them whatsoever. This piques their curiosity. If you actually show you like or love them they think you’re weak and stupid. And they will NEVER be attracted to you I can guarantee that…
Someone who is successful at what they do- They don’t give a shit what you do in the slightest. But if you’re successful they want a piece of your ass they can show to friends. Your an object to show around, a temporary trophy.
Anyone who has power over another person- The asshole boss you work for. The dictator of Zimbabwe, the leader of the Congo, The Taliban, Ted Bundy, your local police chief, the wack job carrying an AK 47 rifle down the middle of the road…They want a piece of that.
You’re drop dead gorgeous- They respect you absolutely. That is until they’ve slept with you. Now, you’re just another number at the deli and they’ve moved on to the Kosher one that’s down the street.
What is the difference between love bombing and hoovering?
LOVEBOMBING:
- Is done because the narcissist is infatuated with you.
- Entails mirroring and future faking because the narcissist wants you to approve of them.
- Means that the narcissists is pinning their hopes on you being the person that will make them happy forever.
- Is the narcissist actually believing that you’re perfect and they will never leave you.
- Is subconsciously done to gain supply from you, in the form of your devotion and adoration.
HOOVERING:
- Is done because the narcissist is looking to use you for something.
- Entails apologies they know they don’t mean and promises they know won’t keep because the narcisisst wants you to accept them back, so they can get whatever it is they want from you.
- Means that the narcissist knows that you can’t make them happy, but they’re willing to endure you for whatever they’re looking to get from you.
- Is the narcissist knowing that they hate you and that this return is but a temporary one, because they’ll leave you as soon as they feel they don’t need you anymore.
- Is consciously done to gain some sort of benefit from you.
The two are nothing alike.
In the first scenario, you’re their saving grace.
And in the second you’re a reject that they have to make do with.
There’s a clear difference in treatment as well.
There will be no lovebombing once you accept the narcissist back after a hoover.
You’ll be sent straight to devaluation.
Which will be followed up with another discard.