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In short, a form of abuse that is subtle and insidious, but highly damaging to those victims exposed to it for long periods to time.

The long answer is rather more complicated…….

The Mindset of the Narcissist

Before one can understand the abuse, one just needs to understand better the mindset of the narcissist. The reality is that, behind their mask, their charade, lies a very empty and toxic character. They are wracked with self-loathing and chronic lack of self-confidence, they are unable to sense authentic feelings such as love, compassion or empathy. They are unable to generate their own self-esteem and are entirely reliant on others for their self-validation – on a daily basis. Very jealous of others who are able to feel joy and genuine emotions, they are convinced that others are envious of them for their grandiosity, success, wealth, popularity and influence and the like.

Parasites

Often termed emotional vampires, they have a parasitic relationship with their host (usually, a significant other, but also their own children, and very possibly wider family, friends and co-workers). They target hosts, or victims, who are full of some very positive qualities and virtues – honesty, kindness, generosity, trust, optimism, confidence – as well as some others that are less positive – notably naivety and poor personal boundaries.

Narcissistic Supply

To prop up their very fragile egos, Narcissists derive what is called narcissistic supply. This comes in two flavours, positive and negative. Positive takes the form of adulation, adoration, compliments, applause, recognition, admiration and the like. Narcs will hunt for this in public as well as private.

Negative narcissistic supply is derived in more ominous and toxic forms. I liken to an umbilical cord that they attach to their host that diverts anything and everything that would feed the self-esteem of the target, from the victim to themselves in order to nourish their own fragile ego. And this is where the narcissistic abuse comes in…..

Erosion of Self-worth

That umbilical cord slowly, steadily, subtly and insidiously sucks the host dry of their own self-identity, self-worth, confidence, mojo and very appetite for life. Usually, without even knowing that it is happening, the psychological abuse is often mistaken for depression or a mid-life crisis, and sometimes a mystery energy-draining illness.

Forms of Abuse

There are many forms that narcissistic abuse can and do take. They include:

• Psychological abuse – threatening behaviour designed to make you feel in danger
• Emotional abuse – deliberately upsetting your feelings
• Physical abuse – resulting in physical harm
• Verbal Abuse – shouting, screaming, name calling etc.
• Sexual abuse – forced sexual activity against your wishes, as well as unreasonably withholding sex
• Word Salad – starting and continuing arguments, for no apparent reason, with no obvious goal or key point being debated – with the intention of confusing you, putting you on the back foot, convincing you of your supposed insanity, angering you, deflecting from their own poor behaviour.
• Gaslighting – deliberate psychological abuse whereby, for example, they contradict your understanding of facts, or they hide your car keys (whilst assuring you that you didn’t leave them where you know you did) and then miraculously “find” them for you – all designed that you mistrust your own reality
• Baiting and Trapping – deliberately pushing buttons such that you eventually lose your temper – thereby giving them evidence of “crazy and abusive” character that they will use against you in their smear campaign. This can often include false allegations made to law enforcement.
• Silent Treatment – ignoring you deliberately for long periods of time
• Ghosting – disappearing without explanation
• Financial Abuse – using money as a method of abuse, including unreasonably restricting your access to it, running up debts, embezzlement, “borrowing” your money with no intention of returning it etc
• Intellectual / mental / spiritual abuse – playing mindgames, pouring scorn on your intellect, beliefs and aspirations, unreasonably demanding perfection, devaluing your intelligence / spirituality / beliefs etc
• Legal & Process Abuse – making false allegations to police and law enforcement with the intention of getting you arrested or having a record, launching spurious legal cases against you, getting you in trouble with the authorities etc
• Isolation – from friends, family and other forms of support, achieved with any combination of geographical separation, smear, persuasion and “rules”.
• Career abuse – trashing your professional reputation or otherwise impairing your ability to work and pursue a career
• Property Abuse – stealing your possessions, denying you access to your home or belongings etc
• Child abuse – in addition to abuse against the child, this also includes using your children against you through parental alienation, brainwashing etc
• Coercive Control – some governments are now at last introducing legislation to counter Narcissistic Abuse and “Coercive Control” is the label they adopt. It has been defined as “is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim”

Double Whammy

If all of the above wasn’t difficult enough to contend with, victims of narcissistic abuse invariably endure a second round at challenges amounting to societal abuse that are extremely difficult to cope with.

By Friends and Family

One hopes that friends and family would pitch in with support in a victim’s hour of need – and very often they will. But even the most well-intentioned care, advice and encouragement can have disastrous consequences. Don’t get me wrong – it’s the right advice, but for the wrong situation. It’s advice predicated on the partner being normal – having the usual complement of emotions including empathy and compassion, a mutual intent and commitment to reach compromise, an eagerness to turn a page and get on with their life. None of this is the case with a narc who is instead on a mission to destroy their discarded ex – and thrives off the drama that this entails. They need to bury the whistleblower, and so steal and embellish all the joint wealth created during the partnership. To use any kids as weapons against the loving parent as a final and tortuous twist of the knife.

The problem boils very simply down to this – narcissistic is a complete mindfuck that even most psychologists don’t understand, and advice given that follows conventional wisdom actually gaslights the victim into helplessness and hopelessness. They’ve tried it all the conventional wisdom, not only to no avail, but also to their huge detriment. Normal advice is not only inappropriate, but deprives them of the essential validation that they instead need. It can be deadly – literally.

Psychology Profession

You would have thought that therapists, counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists would have been the first port of call for victims of narcissistic abuse, and the safety net that rescues them from further abuse. And they are.

The problem is that the psychology profession is also an attractive career for narcissists – they get to hide in plain sight, they can psychobabble their way out of tight spots, they are at the leading edge of thought leadership which has the double advantage of teaching them how to avoid suspicion and also quashing awareness and understanding of NPD (which is why so many victims are so active on forums such as Quora waving flags).

More ominously, their jobs provides them with a steady stream of vulnerable clients who they can subtly put off the scent, derive sadistic kicks from their stories of woe, and whom they too can confuse and psychologically abuse. Too many from the one profession that should be helping victims are actually insidiously working to protect narcs in general and professionally abusing the victims.

Police and the Judiciary

Law enforcement should be there to protect victims and catch villains. The reality with narcs is that they are expert at swapping out these roles – making false allegations with lies and fabricated “evidence” to frame their partners, whilst presenting themselves as the long-suffering and wounded victims. And can often take a wily victim, the intervention of third parties who know, and a lot of luck to avoid this. When the experts can be fooled by the narcs, and even victims themselves oblivious to the abuse they are subjected to, it is nigh-on impossible for the police to see through the charade and hold the right perpetrators to account.

The Court System

Whether in divorce proceedings or cases of domestic abuse, many judges are incapable of determining reactive abuse and false allegations from narcissistic abuse. Moreover, there is a presumption in high conflict of divorces that both sides are as bad as each other, that it is six of one and half a dozen of another, and all the other lazy clichés out there. They have no idea of the asymmetrical abuse in relationships that include a narcopath, nor the extent to which the real victim has been psychologically destroyed.

Between the police and the courts, there are plenty – plenty – of victims trying to work through their healing from behind bars as they see out miscarriages of justice jail terms.

The problem is exasperated by those in these two professions – attractive careers for pathological narcissists who are drawn to the power, the profile and uniform to hide behind, and their access to vulnerable victims over whom they hold tremendous power and sway.

Very often the most vulnerable victims, the joint children, are left to the complete mercy of narcissists by court rulings that assign asymmetric custody to perpetrators. Restraining orders etc imposed on the healthy parent – very often the only informed and caring advocate the children have left.

Charities

For many victims the route of last resort is charities established to support victims of abuse. But even Relate (strapline “The Relationship People”) apparently have no knowledge or expertise of NPD. I have personally spoken to their Chief Exec, Aidan Jones CBE, who had no idea about it, and more alarmingly didn’t want to know either. I have offered to help – he stopped responding to my emails a long time ago.

Secret shop The Samaritans and you will find the same – no ability to triage your situation for a possible case of narcissistic abuse and direct you to proper specialist care.

Male Victims

Male victims deserve a special mention as they have an increased defencelessness to abuse at the hands of society. Natural bias will see the mother as nurturing and the man as aggressive, as well as a need for a woman to be protected – men just have to man up. Women tend to be responsible for a couple’s social lives, and they talk openly about their issues. This provides female narcs a fertile breeding ground for their smear campaigns, whilst big boys don’t cry – from an early age men are conditioned to internalise, not externalise, their problems and therefore hide the truth that would otherwise be their salvation. The police and courts have a natural bias against men, and from the very start there is a stigma that dissuades a man from even seeking help. It is of little surprise that male suicide runs as three times that of women.

The End Result

Many victims never survive – committing suicide believing that the problem was and has always been them, and that there is no hope for arresting their decline into hopelessness and futility. This is an absolute tragedy – not least because solutions exist and a recovery into happiness and abundance is entirely possible. Plenty of survivors find a way to escape the abuse and heal, and start to make sense of the abuse in hindsight and from a distance.

Some are able to escape narcissistic abuse intact – financially and/or psychologically, but even then it will often take some considerable time to recover.

Life after narcissistic abuse is never the same – but the difference can be exciting and very fulfilling for those able to turn the corner.

I’ve you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, give yourself a big hand and ring that bell with an upvote! If you’re worried about other victims of narcissists, please share this answer wide. If you’re still trying to make sense of the mindfuckery, follow me and flag “Notify me” to receive notifications of new articles. And, if you’ve got something to add or debate, please comment – I welcome the feedback.

NPD Life Coaching & Consulting – Stewart Cook

PS – Do you want the Narcissistic Abuse to stop? Please check out Stewart Cook’s answer to How do you stop a narcissist in their tracks?

See also:

Stewart Cook’s answer to How do you finally defeat a narcissist?

Stewart Cook’s answer to Why am I so traumatized by narcissistic abuse?

Stewart Cook’s answer to Do narcissists love their children?

Stewart Cook’s answer to Why do narcissists try to “break” you?