If you confront a narcissist (call them out on their bad behavior/defend yourself), will they discard you (go away) forever?

The narcissist will do one of 3 things.

When you confront a narcissist and call them out on their behavior or stand up for yourself, the narcissist experiences narcissistic injury.

Their idealized self, their persona, has been challenged. That is both terrifying and hurtful to them at the same time.

Next comes narcissistic rage.

Depending on the narcissist, you may or may not see the rage.

  • Some will fly off the handle, becoming verbally and/or physically abusive
  • Some will hide it entirely, then find ways to sabotage and punish you

Either way, you’ll pay.

After the narcissist feels the injury, they will react in one of 3 ways.

#1 The narcissist will deny, deflect, and dismiss.

When you call the narcissist out, they will adamantly deny what you say is true, even in the face of evidence. They will tell you you’re mistaken, you’ve misunderstood, that they were messing with you and it was a joke, or that your insecurity made you see something that wasn’t there.

Next, they will deflect the conversation to something they find wrong with you. This shifts you to defense — defense of yourself, your motives, your character. While the focus is on you, they are off the hook.

Finally, they will dismiss you as overreacting, crazy, or being too sensitive, controlling, or insecure.

Suppose you confront your husband with evidence of their cheating. You’ve found condoms in his glove box, plane tickets for two (your husband and another woman), then searched his phone and found the text string. It’s obvious they talk to each other like a couple.

He adamantly denies anything is going on, adamantly denies having an affair. He tells you the condoms are there in case the two of you want to have sex in the car – he likes to be prepared. He tells you the plane tickets are for him and a work colleague. He tells you the text string was a joke, that he knows how jealous and insecure you are, so they planted a fake text conversation to mess with you if you were insecure enough to check his phone.

Now he launches into a conversation about your insecurity and jealousy. You see, the real problem is you. He tries to convince you your behavior is proof.

Then he says, you need to fix your problem. There’s nothing he can do about your insecurity.

Eventually, you feel so exhausted and beaten down by the conversation that you just want it to be over. He’s won.

#2 The narcissist will offer a false apology and become the victim.

When you call the narcissist out and take a stand for yourself, first the narcissist will offer a false apology. It may sound and feel sincere. They may even mean it sincerely in that moment.

Yet their behavior does not change. They are unwilling to do what it takes to make positive change. Their actions do not match their words.

Next, they make themselves the victim by providing excuses for their behavior. They do not truly own it as theirs.

Suppose your wife spends an extra $1000 from the household budget on wants, not needs. You confront her about her spending as this behavior has negatively impacted the family’s finances.

She apologizes profusely, saying, “I know it’s a problem. I’m so sorry. I won’t let it happen again. Please don’t be upset. I didn’t mean to go over the budget. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I know that’s terrible. I’m a terrible person. My mom used to hide spending from my dad. She used to buy us stuff behind his back when we had a bad day. It’s not an excuse, but it’s what I learned at home.”

It is an excuse, an excuse presented by an adult who is avoiding responsibility for their behavior, an adult who has now become the victim. Next thing you know, you are comforting her.

They avoid taking responsibility and receive a ton of narcissistic supply. It’s no wonder they do it.

#3 The narcissist will discard and discredit.

You call out the narcissist on their behavior and take a stand. The overt narcissist may decide you’re just too much work – it’s easier to get supply elsewhere. They will discard.

When you do this with a covert narcissist after their mask has slipped and they know you saw their true self, the narcissistic injury is too great, their rage is too intense. You have shifted to “all bad” and they can no longer hold a positive impression of any part of the relationship.

You have threatened not only their idealized self, their false persona, but also their made-up version of reality. Their house of cards is at risk of tumbling down and they are terrified.

They will either discard you or torture you until you discard them. If their persona is the victim who is beaten down by mean old you, getting you to discard them supports that story.

The covert narcissist isn’t watching and waiting. They’ve already started discrediting you. The stories broadcast to their flying monkeys at this point are about how you humiliated them, belittled them, denigrated them.

They share how abusive you are. The flying monkeys encourage them to leave, to leave this abusive relationship. They appear weak, making excuses for why they need to stay. They relish the opportunity to play the victim.

They share how dishonest and untrustworthy you are. They share stories that make you look crazy. This is all done with a “Don’t tell anyone I told you this. I’m so embarrassed…”

The covert narcissist discredits and smears you to limit the impact of your exposing them.

When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.

Pastor Gets Cop Sued After Having Innocent Man Arrested

 

  • The pastor even said at the beginning of things “I see that you’re smart enough that you’re standing on public property.” The pastor knew and admitted he wasn’t trespassing long before the cop even got there and started claiming as much.

 

  • That cop was a member of the church so to me it seems like he used his position of authority to advance his pastors and his own personal agenda

 

 

  • Darren: Arrest this man, he’s a nuisance and creating a disturbance!
  • Also Darren: No one’s even paying attention to you anyways.
  • I like the pastor comes over and gets aggressive and then claims it’s the dude with the camera that’s causing a scene and creating a public nuisance. The officer should have kindly remined the pastor that the camera man was on public property and so far had committed no crime. I can’t arrest him simply because you don’t like his message
  • The pastor: “You’re making a scene”
  • Also the pastor: “No one here is paying any attention to your sign”
  • There should be no qualified immunity for this. This is blatant kidnapping! This officer should be arrested and jailed for clearly kidnapping someone with a weapon in his holster and the threat of arrest.
  • I find it increasingly disturbing that it took so long for the trespassing case to be dismissed. Abuse of authority especially when any constitutional rights have been violated should be dealt with much more swiftly and substantially than current system allows.
  • How the heck did they manage to drag out his case for a whole YEAR when he clearly had video evidence of where he was plus the pastor admitting that he was on public property?! They the pastor grabbed the guys equipment multiple times infront of an officer and nothing happens to him?
  • Gotta love the Sgt on scene just stand and watch an assault happen and turn around and do what a “pastor” told him to do. Both the Sgt and officer were clearly in conflict of interest.

 

  • So an officer that also attends this church arrested a man at the behest of the pastor of this church and this isn’t an abuse of power? This is literally corruption on camera. The officer the department the city and state including the church should all be held liable. With the officer going to jail for criminal behavior
  • The Cop should be fired immediately, he watched an Assault and did nothing and then arrested a citizen for trespassing when he knows 100% he’s not. If we do not fire people nothing will ever change
  • I like how the pastor shows up with a comically friendly voice and very happily asks the guy to leave and when that fails he drops the acts immediately and states that the guys actions are garnering no attention and yet he’s there to ask him to leave and calls him a public nuisance, so I guess he is in fact getting attention and his message through. What a double faced hypocrite.
  • How that pastor has a following is beyond me. From the moment he opens his mouth he just reeks of insincerity

 

  • Wow, that pastor flipped a switch when he realized he wasn’t going get his way by asking nicely. And mask comes off! Typical religious leader.
  • Gotta love how that pastor showed his true colors once he started getting frustrated with the auditor. All of his “hey bro” behavior was all just an act. Makes you wonder if the rest of the guy’s life is also just an act.
  • As professions, what do
    • politics,
    • law enforcement,
    • medicine/nursing,
    • entertainment,
    • corporate management,
    • sports,
    • academia, and
    • religious ministry have in common? They attract narcissists. That’s a video of a cesspool.
  • That police officer lied on a police report ( standing on private property) I believe there’s no qualified immunity for that so that police officer can and should be personally sued.
  • Wasn’t surprised to hear that the office was a member of the Church. Took 20 seconds from first words to threatening with jail, and a further 14 seconds to putting him in cuffs. Would love to know if this officer was personally phoned by a member of the church to come and deal with this, making this a conspiracy.
  • I live near and work in Chattanooga and honestly this is disgusting but nothing compared to other things these “small time country cops” do and get away with most of there barely follow the law and they have there own interpretation of the laws. Sadly they just use the law to prosecute people for what they want rather then what the laws actually are. It’s so corrupt everyone through the whole legal system works together lawyers the da the people that’s supposed to defend you will ask the cops what they should do “for you”. Believe I sued my city I lived in over a cop making me pull my genitals out on the side of the road to “check for drugs” and everyone even my own lawyer was against me.
  • I do LOVE the rare instance when a citizen informs the police correctly 10:54 what the law is when the police are making a mistake, intentional or otherwise.
  • That pastor did a good job of showing who the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” was. What a phony
  • If his message will “fall on deaf ears” and “no one is paying attention to” him… why does he care that the guy is there.

 

  • After seeing this guy bully the sign carrier… I would quit his church if I went there! This is not the kind of “spiritual leader” I want leading me.

 

  • It’s amazing that it takes 1 or 2 years to get justice for 1st Amendment protected activity. That’s why cops never admit guilt. You have sue them. To get justice.
  • Wasn’t surprised to hear that the office was a member of the Church. Took 20 seconds from first words to threatening with jail, and a further 14 seconds to putting him in cuffs. Would love to know if this officer was personally phoned by a member of the church to come and deal with this, making this a conspiracy. I do think the first officer should have arrested the Shepard for causing a public disturbance. Deliberately trying to provoke something, and expecting the officer to side with him. Would have been so fun to have him arrested instead. Held for 2 days for a trespass? And a year to drop the charges. What a joke. How important is this Church in this town???

 

  • The Cop should be fired immediately, he watched an Assault and did nothing and then arrested a citizen for trespassing when he knows 100% he’s not. If we do not fire people nothing will ever change
  • I think there was actually 2 different cops there from different departments/agencies. The first cop witnessed the assault/battery and did nothing, and the second cop wrongfully arrested him.
  • Imagine being a pastor teaching a truth that is so sound and self evident that you are frightened by someone holding a sign outside with a slight contrast to your beliefs. The pastor clearly had an ego and was trying to assert dominance and made a show in-front of his people that he had power over the situation. If little critiques like this upset him, it makes me wonder how confident he is in the religious truths he believes he provides.
  • * grabs at the guy’s camera several times with his voice raised * “Officer this guy is causing a scene” Imagine your entire belief structure being shaken by a guy with a sign.
  • I actually think this could turn into a far larger scandal than it already is. Could this not also dig into “separation of church and state” considering an officer who was a member of the church may have used his position to benefit the church in restricting the man from being able to use his 1st amendment right?
  • In a lot of these Audit the Audit videos, things can get pretty nuanced and in other cases it becomes a matter of the laws and ordinances in some given area. Not so in this video. The guy is on public property stating his beliefs. Pretty straightforward freedom of speech.
  • The Pastor is also at fault here. Typically, they preach love and respect but he assaulted the man and actually became quite belligerent and he used his pastoral influence to have the man falsely arrested. Way to go, Pastor, something to teach the children! I hope the officers involved get fired after their PD has to pay thousands of dollars. That arresting officer did no investigation whatsoever before deciding to arrest. But this is a corrupt system where the church and state seem to have unconstitutionally merged.
  • That pastor literally assaulted that man in front of that officer and the officer arrested the assaulted man. Both the officer and pastor should be fired.
    • This is where Republicans say “Just comply“. Nothing will ever get changed since almost half the country backs these actions from police.
  • And some people wonder why there’s a distrust between “ organized religion “ and the general public. Pity you can’t sue a Pastor for malpractice. And the patrolman was just a brainless tool and should be removed from the force.

 

“Use These THREE Secrets to OUTSMART The Narcissist” Lisa Romano

“Use these three secrets to outsmart a narcissist who wants to latch onto you and make you their prime source of narcissistic supply. In this Youtube video Lisa A Romano Life Coach, helps you better understand how to outsmart a narcissist so you can maintain your sanity, dignity and self-respect.

 

8 Key Phrases You Can Use to Shut Down a Narcissist https://youtu.be/HCA7gQrhyFw

10 Mind Games Narcissists Play They Hope You Won’t Figure Out https://youtu.be/Cpu4_IXuwFo

Narcissism, Lies & Delusion | Dr Frank Yeomans

Frank Yeomans describes the difference between lies and delusion (and psychosis) within narcissistic pathology, with several clinical examples focusing on employment situations from his Transference-Focused Psychotherapy practice.

Why do people delude themselves? What is the real purpose of narcissistic lies or delusions? How are they different from psychosis? What is their impact on relationships? Does lying to people mean you are antisocial or have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)? How should a therapist handle a client who is delusional?

How do I expose a gaslighter and prove I’m not crazy?

Sometimes there are reasons why we need to remain with the gaslighter. This can be true even if we are self confident and very aware of the abuse.

My gaslighter has been in my adult life for 37 years. I remain in a marriage with him for financial reasons. He is unable to genuinely empathize with me; in fact, the only (very few) people he “empathizes” with are people who agree with him (oh, how little they truly know him!).

My husband is entirely self-centered. He is a control freak. He is mentally and emotionally ill. He refuses treatment on the basis that “God will heal” him of any issues he has. His “God” is one who agrees with him, and who excuses (forgives, loves) him – regardless of what he does.

The problem is that in his 72 years on earth, God has not yet healed him.

The best way to diffuse a gaslighter is to completely – no matter how tempting – avoid exposing your feelings and emotions to him ( or her). As soon as you do you have become the match that lights their fire.

When you are with your pet gaslighter keep the conversation light. Keep it superficial. Bring up an article you’ve read that your gaslighter finds interesting. For my husband and I baseball is a safe topic. Discussing the inventory we have to run our business is an excellent subject for us to discuss.

Talk about the weather.

Don’t be a victim, don’t think of yourself as a victim, because the moment you do your gaslighter is in control. If your gaslighter must be in your life always keep in your mind that s/he is a pathetic person who lives in their tiny, fragile self-created world of (they believe) safety. S/he is a mentally and emotionally disturbed person.

Perhaps most important is this: Have your own network of support. Whatever that means to you, as long as your support people are healthy and care about you, keep them in your life.

Build up your own self-worth. Focus on your own emotional health and well-being as you accept that you cannot change that sicko gaslighter – and never will.

Don’t waste your precious time with trying to figure that person out; whenever you are tempted to do so, ask yourself how you can become a stronger person.

You cannot “expose” a gaslighter. You absolutely cannot prove to the gaslighter that you’re not crazy. You can beat them at their own sick, pitiful, weak little game by knowing, deep inside, that you are not “crazy”.

You can refuse to allow your gaslighter to control you be refusing to be the human fuel they need to keep their pathetic fire burning.

Believe