6 alternatives to calling out the narcissist
If you confront a narcissist (call them out on their bad behavior/defend yourself), will they discard you (go away) forever?
The narcissist will do one of 3 things.
When you confront a narcissist and call them out on their behavior or stand up for yourself, the narcissist experiences narcissistic injury.
Their idealized self, their persona, has been challenged. That is both terrifying and hurtful to them at the same time.
Next comes narcissistic rage.
Depending on the narcissist, you may or may not see the rage.
- Some will fly off the handle, becoming verbally and/or physically abusive
- Some will hide it entirely, then find ways to sabotage and punish you
Either way, you’ll pay.
After the narcissist feels the injury, they will react in one of 3 ways.
#1 The narcissist will deny, deflect, and dismiss.
When you call the narcissist out, they will adamantly deny what you say is true, even in the face of evidence. They will tell you you’re mistaken, you’ve misunderstood, that they were messing with you and it was a joke, or that your insecurity made you see something that wasn’t there.
Next, they will deflect the conversation to something they find wrong with you. This shifts you to defense — defense of yourself, your motives, your character. While the focus is on you, they are off the hook.
Finally, they will dismiss you as overreacting, crazy, or being too sensitive, controlling, or insecure.
Suppose you confront your husband with evidence of their cheating. You’ve found condoms in his glove box, plane tickets for two (your husband and another woman), then searched his phone and found the text string. It’s obvious they talk to each other like a couple.
He adamantly denies anything is going on, adamantly denies having an affair. He tells you the condoms are there in case the two of you want to have sex in the car – he likes to be prepared. He tells you the plane tickets are for him and a work colleague. He tells you the text string was a joke, that he knows how jealous and insecure you are, so they planted a fake text conversation to mess with you if you were insecure enough to check his phone.
Now he launches into a conversation about your insecurity and jealousy. You see, the real problem is you. He tries to convince you your behavior is proof.
Then he says, you need to fix your problem. There’s nothing he can do about your insecurity.
Eventually, you feel so exhausted and beaten down by the conversation that you just want it to be over. He’s won.
#2 The narcissist will offer a false apology and become the victim.
When you call the narcissist out and take a stand for yourself, first the narcissist will offer a false apology. It may sound and feel sincere. They may even mean it sincerely in that moment.
Yet their behavior does not change. They are unwilling to do what it takes to make positive change. Their actions do not match their words.
Next, they make themselves the victim by providing excuses for their behavior. They do not truly own it as theirs.
Suppose your wife spends an extra $1000 from the household budget on wants, not needs. You confront her about her spending as this behavior has negatively impacted the family’s finances.
She apologizes profusely, saying, “I know it’s a problem. I’m so sorry. I won’t let it happen again. Please don’t be upset. I didn’t mean to go over the budget. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I know that’s terrible. I’m a terrible person. My mom used to hide spending from my dad. She used to buy us stuff behind his back when we had a bad day. It’s not an excuse, but it’s what I learned at home.”
It is an excuse, an excuse presented by an adult who is avoiding responsibility for their behavior, an adult who has now become the victim. Next thing you know, you are comforting her.
They avoid taking responsibility and receive a ton of narcissistic supply. It’s no wonder they do it.
#3 The narcissist will discard and discredit.
You call out the narcissist on their behavior and take a stand. The overt narcissist may decide you’re just too much work – it’s easier to get supply elsewhere. They will discard.
When you do this with a covert narcissist after their mask has slipped and they know you saw their true self, the narcissistic injury is too great, their rage is too intense. You have shifted to “all bad” and they can no longer hold a positive impression of any part of the relationship.
You have threatened not only their idealized self, their false persona, but also their made-up version of reality. Their house of cards is at risk of tumbling down and they are terrified.
They will either discard you or torture you until you discard them. If their persona is the victim who is beaten down by mean old you, getting you to discard them supports that story.
The covert narcissist isn’t watching and waiting. They’ve already started discrediting you. The stories broadcast to their flying monkeys at this point are about how you humiliated them, belittled them, denigrated them.
They share how abusive you are. The flying monkeys encourage them to leave, to leave this abusive relationship. They appear weak, making excuses for why they need to stay. They relish the opportunity to play the victim.
They share how dishonest and untrustworthy you are. They share stories that make you look crazy. This is all done with a “Don’t tell anyone I told you this. I’m so embarrassed…”
The covert narcissist discredits and smears you to limit the impact of your exposing them.
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.
“Use These THREE Secrets to OUTSMART The Narcissist” Lisa Romano
“Use these three secrets to outsmart a narcissist who wants to latch onto you and make you their prime source of narcissistic supply. In this Youtube video Lisa A Romano Life Coach, helps you better understand how to outsmart a narcissist so you can maintain your sanity, dignity and self-respect.
8 Key Phrases You Can Use to Shut Down a Narcissist https://youtu.be/HCA7gQrhyFw
10 Mind Games Narcissists Play They Hope You Won’t Figure Out https://youtu.be/Cpu4_IXuwFo
Narcissism, Lies & Delusion | Dr Frank Yeomans
Frank Yeomans describes the difference between lies and delusion (and psychosis) within narcissistic pathology, with several clinical examples focusing on employment situations from his Transference-Focused Psychotherapy practice.
Why do people delude themselves? What is the real purpose of narcissistic lies or delusions? How are they different from psychosis? What is their impact on relationships? Does lying to people mean you are antisocial or have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)? How should a therapist handle a client who is delusional?
How do I expose a gaslighter and prove I’m not crazy?
Sometimes there are reasons why we need to remain with the gaslighter. This can be true even if we are self confident and very aware of the abuse.
My gaslighter has been in my adult life for 37 years. I remain in a marriage with him for financial reasons. He is unable to genuinely empathize with me; in fact, the only (very few) people he “empathizes” with are people who agree with him (oh, how little they truly know him!).
My husband is entirely self-centered. He is a control freak. He is mentally and emotionally ill. He refuses treatment on the basis that “God will heal” him of any issues he has. His “God” is one who agrees with him, and who excuses (forgives, loves) him – regardless of what he does.
The problem is that in his 72 years on earth, God has not yet healed him.
The best way to diffuse a gaslighter is to completely – no matter how tempting – avoid exposing your feelings and emotions to him ( or her). As soon as you do you have become the match that lights their fire.
When you are with your pet gaslighter keep the conversation light. Keep it superficial. Bring up an article you’ve read that your gaslighter finds interesting. For my husband and I baseball is a safe topic. Discussing the inventory we have to run our business is an excellent subject for us to discuss.
Talk about the weather.
Don’t be a victim, don’t think of yourself as a victim, because the moment you do your gaslighter is in control. If your gaslighter must be in your life always keep in your mind that s/he is a pathetic person who lives in their tiny, fragile self-created world of (they believe) safety. S/he is a mentally and emotionally disturbed person.
Perhaps most important is this: Have your own network of support. Whatever that means to you, as long as your support people are healthy and care about you, keep them in your life.
Build up your own self-worth. Focus on your own emotional health and well-being as you accept that you cannot change that sicko gaslighter – and never will.
Don’t waste your precious time with trying to figure that person out; whenever you are tempted to do so, ask yourself how you can become a stronger person.
You cannot “expose” a gaslighter. You absolutely cannot prove to the gaslighter that you’re not crazy. You can beat them at their own sick, pitiful, weak little game by knowing, deep inside, that you are not “crazy”.
You can refuse to allow your gaslighter to control you be refusing to be the human fuel they need to keep their pathetic fire burning.
Believe
Gaslighting defined
Gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gaslighting would be a partner doing something abusive and then denying it happened. Gaslighters may also convince their victims that they’re mentally unfit or too sensitive
- manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
Is it normal for cops to gaslight?
It’s part of the game of interview & interrogation. If you just take someone’s statement at face value you are not doing your job as a law enforcement officer and investigator. Hopefully by questioning a person’s statement you will get the truth and send the right person to trial.
Gaslighting occurs for The sole purpose of harassment and no other reason. A police interview serves a purpose.
(both are done to achieve power and control over others)
What are some gaslighting phrases?What are some gaslighting phrases?
When you express your feelings to someone who did you wrong;
- I am sorry you feel that way (demeaning, devaluing feelings and presuming a superior position in projecting blame onto you)
- You have that wrong
- That didn’t happen (attempting to make you doubt your reality)
- You are overreacting
- You are too sensitive (devaluing your feelings)
- The latest one ‘it is better to be kind than to be right’. Twisting the meaning to suit; to attempt to make out you are the unkind one when calling out what they did wrong and/or were disrespectful of you. This is to make you doubt yourself (you were the unkind one) and attempt to rob you of your reality (gaslighting in action) – and when saying it to others, it is a character assassination (malice). In reality calling out disrespect and moving away from it is the kind and right thing to do for ourselves – always.
- You will never find anyone else (went on to find my soulmate once I got rid of him. They see your strength and try and bring you down to make it your reality).
- You have issues (demeaning and taking the superior position in the attempts to deflect from their wrong doing to make you doubt yourself, your reality of what they did wrong to you.)
- There is something wrong with you (projecting)
- You are crazy
- You are weird
- Oh isn’t she nasty or unsociable etc (when you move away from them respectfully – in comes the character assassination gossip).
Laugh it off and keep bringing the focus back onto what happened – the truth. As gaslighting is a means of deflecting from the reality of what they did to you. Stand in your truth – unmoved and do not buy into what they say. I zone out as soon as I here any of the above – one ear out the other. It is more likely to upset those with low self esteem and confidence. Build yours up and stand your ground and then they can’t touch you. Moving onto to those who are worth your time, focus and energy – those who respect and value you (including your feelings).
People who gaslight do so for various reasons. They are insecure people who cannot take responsibility for their actions. Usually for dominance and control when in the wrong and seek to justify to retain superiority. And they don’t want to take accountability for their actions that are wrong or harm – not caring about the others feeling or they don’t want to deal with their inadequacies or guilt – so they will blame and project. They will have trouble in all their relationships – and may enter into mutually abusive ones.
Stay with your truth and keep bringing it back when they deflect. Then do what is kind and good for you – move away from such people for good. To those who value your feelings and respect you – those worthy or your energy and time with head held high.
Police Allowed to Gaslight, but not officially
If I remember correctly, all police departments allow their sworn officers to “gaslight”, but they need special permission. Some do not allow the officers to wear their uniform while working a part-time security job. That makes sense because, if a gaslighting officer takes police action, and they are wearing their police department uniform, the municipality the officer works for may be responsible for any errors the officer commits. That makes the municipality liable to a lawsuit; and that’s not a good thing.
What are some gaslighting phrases?
When you express your feelings to someone who did you wrong;
- I am sorry you feel that way (demeaning, devaluing feelings and presuming a superior position in projecting blame onto you)
- You have that wrong
- That didn’t happen (attempting to make you doubt your reality)
- You are overreacting
- You are too sensitive (devaluing your feelings)
- The latest one ‘it is better to be kind than to be right’. Twisting the meaning to suit; to attempt to make out you are the unkind one when calling out what they did wrong and/or were disrespectful of you. This is to make you doubt yourself (you were the unkind one) and attempt to rob you of your reality (gaslighting in action) – and when saying it to others, it is a character assassination (malice). In reality calling out disrespect and moving away from it is the kind and right thing to do for ourselves – always.
- You will never find anyone else (went on to find my soulmate once I got rid of him. They see your strength and try and bring you down to make it your reality).
- You have issues (demeaning and taking the superior position in the attempts to deflect from their wrong doing to make you doubt yourself, your reality of what they did wrong to you.)
- There is something wrong with you (projecting)
- You are crazy
- You are weird
- Oh isn’t she nasty or unsociable etc (when you move away from them respectfully – in comes the character assassination gossip).
Laugh it off and keep bringing the focus back onto what happened – the truth. As gaslighting is a means of deflecting from the reality of what they did to you. Stand in your truth – unmoved and do not buy into what they say. I zone out as soon as I here any of the above – one ear out the other. It is more likely to upset those with low self esteem and confidence. Build yours up and stand your ground and then they can’t touch you. Moving onto to those who are worth your time, focus and energy – those who respect and value you (including your feelings).
People who gaslight do so for various reasons. They are insecure people who cannot take responsibility for their actions. Usually for dominance and control when in the wrong and seek to justify to retain superiority. And they don’t want to take accountability for their actions that are wrong or harm – not caring about the others feeling or they don’t want to deal with their inadequacies or guilt – so they will blame and project. They will have trouble in all their relationships – and may enter into mutually abusive ones.
Stay with your truth and keep bringing it back when they deflect. Then do what is kind and good for you – move away from such people for good. To those who value your feelings and respect you – those worthy or your energy and time with head held high.
Why do narcissists want to gaslight you?
They don’t want to, they need to. This technique is how they get to the point of controlling you…essentially making you second guess yourself, the more the gaslighting happens, the more you second guess yourself until you start doubting yourself and feeling like there’s something wrong with you because you seem to not be able to remember anything correctly…making it easier for them to subtly start controlling you without you even knowing it…making you lean on them even more because they are being so loving and supportive…and the more experienced the narcissist is, the quicker this process happens…and the quicker this process happens, the sooner they can begin to unmask and show their true selves…and believe me, you ‘ain’t’ seen nothin’ yet.
Successfully gaslighting you over and over and over again. You now have been blamed for absolutely everything for so long………it’s been so drilled into your head that it’s always your fault, that you now believe that it really is all your fault.
So now…he can put even more limits on you…while he gets to behave and do whatever the h#|| he wants to do…because even if he cheats…or doesn’t come home at night…or spends the bill money on junk…or loses/quits his job…damages property…backs you into a corner…calls you every name in the book and then some (even in front of small children)…yells in your face…
…IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT…
…and when all of that is engrained in your head long enough…you believe it…and you spend all of your time doing everything you possibly can to keep him happy, but knowing that you probably forgot something that will upset him…or you’ll ‘stupidly’ ask him a simple question like, ‘How was work, hunny?’ or, ‘Hey babe? Did you get the gas bill paid?’ and completely set him off…and just when things settle down for a while and you feel like things have gotten better…you get up the nerve to finally try to talk about the eggshells you’ve been walking on because you’re trying really hard, and you tell him how much you love him and how you know he loves you too, and he tells you he does love you and then goes into all of his self pity stories and he ends up in tears…and he apologizes for his angry outbursts (not a real apology, just enough of one to make you think he’s being sincere)…and 15 minutes later, he notices that you didnt get to the laundry that day, and he loses his sh¡t and starts throwing everything around, and the kids are crying and he won’t allow you to go console them.
…and you believe it’s all tour fault because had you just done the laundry, he wouldn’t be so angy right now and so now you’re apologizing for upsetting him by forgetting the laundry and you spend the rest of the week trying to make that up to him…not knowing that you’ll NEVER be good enough…not knowing that you’ve been brainwashed…not knowing that you have no idea what kind of person you’re really dealing with…
…and until you learn about narcissism and gaslighting, you’ll have no clue what’s happened to you. All you know is that you are not the same you that came into the relationship.
Why do they gaslight??? To make you feel crazy and confused, opening yourself up to their manipulation because you feel like you don’t even know which way is up anymore…literally.