INTJ are solo creatures. We’re not driven to partner. We don’t need to, we’re already complete.
Because we don’t have to have a relationship, we’re able to negotiate from the power position. Our freedom from need allows us to pursue our wish list.
INTJs are both perceivers (Ni) and goal oriented (J). INTJs are attracted to people who are both open to possibilities and able to focus in order to get sh*t done.
Plainly, both an open mind and task driven behavior is key to the INTJ heart.
Turn offs are: complacency, mental dogmas, logical fallacies, putting the INTJ into a box, boxes of any sort really, assumptions, endless perditions, negative compliance, dependency, chemical dependencies, lack of emotional discernment, lack of purpose etc.
In a nutshell:
Creator mindset = good
Consumer mindset = bad
What does it feel like to be an INTJ?
I’m just going to write a post I made on my Tumblr blog. These are only the struggles though. I’ll put up the pros of being an INTJ later:
20 Struggles of an INTJ
1. We hardly enjoy mainstream movies because we successfully predict the rest of the movie as we go on watching it. We get an urge to say “I told you this would happen!” every time something we predicted happens. But we have to shut up because it’s pissing people off.
2. We always end up finding different solutions to curb the chaos and confusion we encounter in daily life. Then we go on a tirade about how it can be improved/avoided but even after having all the right ideas, we can’t do shit about it, and that’s really irritating.
3. We vanish off the face of the Earth for 10 hours straight, not even realizing it. When all our friends later ask us where we went, we’re not able to explain that we got busy doing/reading something interesting, and didn’t feel like being disturbed.
4. Our extrovert friends don’t understand why we can’t go out everyday. It’s mentally draining. I need some time by myself to relax, and think, and then mentally prepare for the next outing.
5. When we state our extremely free thinking opinion about something and watch people’s mouths drop. Like no, there’s nothing wrong with the way I think. Y’all are too wrapped up in the mainstream culture to look beyond it.
6. We tend to block out external sounds, and that’s great when we need to get some work done, but it’s not great when there’s a person standing next to us, talking on and on about something (or even on the phone) and we have no idea what they said because we were busy thinking.
7. Our mouth really needs a ‘harsh and cruel things’ filter because we’re just trying to be straightforward and honest but more often than not we just end up saying the bitter truths the other person doesn’t want to hear. Sometimes I know I’m being harsh and I should maybe not be that honest, but I can’t stop it.
8. As much as we love to debate and argue, there’s always the possibility that we’ll lose an argument, and there’s nothing more vexing (unless our logic is faulty, in which case it’s okay. But our logic is almost never wrong, so losing in that case hurts our ego.)
9. When talking to one of our acquaintances, we have to keep in check the information we reveal that we know about that person. So that we don’t appear to be stalkers, when in reality we’re just really observant and remember tiny things about people (Also, we might have gone through their Facebook page once or twice.)
10. We despise group projects. Not only will we have to work with comparatively inefficient people, their skills and hard work will affect our success (what a nightmare!) The only way we’re going to be even remotely comfortable with this group thing is if everyone listens to us and tries to follow the proper steps that will cause the work to finish on time and in an efficient manner.
11. If suddenly something captures our attention, we just have to know each and everything about it. It often leads to us not doing other things that require our attention more. Same goes with puzzles or problems that involve calculation. We don’t let go until we’ve solved it, and our methods are almost always different from the mainstream methods, so it pisses us off even more when it doesn’t seem to work.
12. It’s difficult for us to digest compliments and react to them. Like if someone says we’re “cute” or “smart”, we resist the urge to say “I know”, because we do. We are self confident individuals who know our strengths and weaknesses. Plus, we’ve been told that so often that saying “thank you” again and again has become tiresome.
13. Our flirting style is an awkward mix of subtle compliments and sarcastic good humored insults. It’s kinda different from mainstream flirting which is why our crushes never realize that we genuinely like them.
14. We can’t take it when someone does something very slowly (unless performing that action in a slow manner would improve the quality of the work.) Nothing is more excrutiating than sitting beside someone, seeing them struggle as they slowly do whatever has to be done. We resist the urge to push them off and do it in their place (Sorry, Te function makes us that way.)
15. Whenever we end up in a situation where logic defies us and feelings take over, there’s at least one moment when we go completely bonkers and try to get rid of those feelings (”Nope, nope, nope. Feelings? Nope.”) It’s terrifying yet exciting at the same time.
16. Wanting to kill people on a daily basis (don’t even deny it) because they act dumb, foolish, incompetent or plain annoying.
17. Having to deal with small talk. Like no, I don’t want you to ask me how my day was. I don’t want to ask you how your day was. I want to question the existence of humanity and discuss the mysteries of this world (and conspiracy theories! And a certain book/movie/game etc.)
18. When we have a fight with someone, especially someone who is close to us, we often end up saying very hurtful things that we know will hit the spot. It’s like a battle of words, and we sure as hell don’t plan to lose. So we play dirty, often hurting those who mean the world to us. Only realizing a couple of hours later that what we did was absolutely unacceptable.
19. We’re great with pre-project preparation and planning. Sometimes we get interested in something out of the blue, and spend hours researching it and making notes and planning things. But when the time to implement it comes around, we realize we’ve lost interest.
20. Spending unnecessary time perfecting something knowing full well that no one besides us would notice that folly. Sometimes being a perfectionist sucks.
INTJ Relationships
I would take my clues form a study of successful long-term relationships. The official MBTI people commissioned such a study and saw how types survived in 25 year marriages. The most likely pairings of N types generally were paired with people with 1 or 2 letters different, i.e. similar but not identical. So, depending upon the goal flip one or two letters ENTJ, ISTJ, INFJ, INTP, ESTJ, ISFJ, INFP. For management, I might omit the P-types. And, with the -T (turbulent) I might go for just the 1 letter differences to minimize conflicts). Thus, ENTJ, ISTJ, or INFJ. The exact best choice probably depends upon the individual as all INTJs are not the same and the individual specifics here might make a big difference. I would also avoid another turbulent (-T) type to minimize conflicts getting out of hand.
Why don’t INTJs pursue their crushes who like them too?
I personally have a very intricate categorization system for the women in my life…
But, basically:
If I don’t intend on marrying the person, I won’t be actively pursuing them.
Why? Because it’s a waste of my time. Most feelings and relationships are temporary.
So, if someone intends on taking that “special place” in my life, they’ll have to stand the test of time.
Perhaps, your particular INTJ has a similar method/system?
Comments:
Very well said. Plain and simple. I am the exact same way. We often put people of interest throughout a series of tests and basically if they are still willing after all the hell placed on them, then they have proven worthy of our love. Sounds awful, I know but it basically weeds out those whom wouldn’t stay through the tough times anyways and one thing we hate is wasting time.
I mean, not that I’m one to talk. As an INTP I’m not exactly surrounding myself with a gaggle of friends and other relationships either.
But to say that someone who isn’t going to stick with you for life isn’t worth your time and energy at all? That’s dark.
Especially when you consider that we end up learning a lot of things from the transient relationships over the course of our lives.
Enabling us to do much better when we do finally meet that special someone. Someone who may simply choose to disregard you because you didn’t actually spend any time learning those lessons from the people you dismissed.
I think maybe you misunderstood my answer, or I misunderstood OP’s question…
I’m more than happy build friendships, explore personalities, and discover new people.
However, the keyword here was “pursue”. Which, to me, indicated that OP was looking for their INTJ to make a solid investment in their relationship.
That, I’d certainly be against. Especially at such an early stage.
Ah, see. But there’s the difference in interpretation.
That means you took “relationship” inherently meaning “romantic relationship” or “sexual relationship” and excluding other forms of relationships.
ANY relationship. Consider that angle. If you wouldn’t want to be friends (or more) with someone, unless they’d stick around for life?
A “crush” is generally associated with romantic relationships. It’s also defined as a “brief but intense infatuation for someone”.
How else would I interpret it? x)
And, again, I’m personally open to new people and friends (even if they aren’t going to stick around for life).
However, if someone had a “crush” on me and expected me to “pursue” them, I simply couldn’t oblige. Least not until after the crush had subsided, and their feelings as well as their general state of mind, were closer to reality.
Even if I had the crush, I would still wait for the crush (mine and hers, both) to subside, before even considering to pursue.
&You’re right, I wouldn’t know. That’s why I said:
“…if someone intends on taking that ‘special place’ in my life, they’ll have to stand the test of time.”
———————
lol. What’s the problem here Danjal??? >>>:S
Well, maybe this is just me. Maybe “other people” do things differently.
But I generally disregard people whom I have no interest in and pursue relationships (whether friendships or otherwise) with people I consider interesting. Regardless of any expected length.
Whether that just be a week, a month, a year or longer.
You just don’t know how long something will last. People may have the intent to be friends for life and things won’t work out that way.
The only way to know whether something will stand the test of time, is quite literally make it stand the test of time. That’s why it is the test of time…
For a relationship to stand the test of time before you’re even willing to consider them? That’s rather unintuitive? It can’t stand the test of time unless you pursue any form of relationship… Which you said you’re unwilling to do unless you know it’ll last.
Ah, ok.
I see what you’re saying. And, I absolutely agree with you.
By “stand the test of time”, I simply meant that the person would have to be a friend or long standing acquaintance, first. As opposed to getting into a formal dating or emotional/romantic relationship, right from the crush stage.
I feel, and I think you agree with this as well, that there should be a period of “feeling the person out”, before getting into a formal relationship or investing any real time and/or effort into pursuing them.
However, with that said, it’s not really possible to come to a realistic conclusion about someone if you’re blinded by your feelings, or your “crush”, for them.
Hence, I (and I imagine other INTJ’ as well?) would not be likely to pursue a crush and would rather let it play itself out, while still trying to maintain any friendship or relationship that I may have built with them thus far.
I think I should’ve made that point a little more clear in my answer. That although an INTJ might not be “actively pursuing” you, he/she might still be open to a friendship, or the future possibility of a relationship – given the time.
I am friends with at least two INTJs that I’m aware of and had a brief acquaintance with a third. And they do all seem to share that trait yes.
I also. Have the same sat for wen in my life, INTJ here
Short and well explained. Hats off 🙂
This is so me ! 🙂
This is so true
Actually I do pursue my crush once I am 100% sure that I have a crush and that they also have a crush AND mean it serious. While flirty behaviour seems to be great fun for most other types and an INTJ may indulge in it as well, if it does not automatically lead on to a relationship, the INTJ will soon shift focus. INTJ’s are thrifty economists with their time, attention, mental energy and finances, and do not invest in high risk / low certainty undertakings.
The reason that I won’t pursue a crush is that the other person must still prove that they mean it, and any similar flirtatious action with others is reason enough to hold against them that they aren’t. When that occurs, I recede, drop interest, and avoid that person. I believe in absolutes, and I do not work on probability.
I see nothing wrong with men or wemen having more than one relationship at a time the kicker is being upfront and honest about how you feel.
That way you are not emotionally ready for a serous relationship and if that other person is actively seeking that special person then they will be the one to end it because they will not want to waste their time with you .I call that being fair
INFJ and i’m just the same.. must be the Ni 😂