For the most part, and in my experience, when an INTJ is in serious communication with you, you can take what is said at face value. Duplicity is generally not a trait I find in at least the INTJ types I have known. Yes, they may joke, they may be discreet in their choice of words when communication something unflattering, but duplicitous, I have not generally seen.
If an INTJ tells you in candor something like this, he means it and means it to be taken at face value. He is saying he’s not going to make promises he does not know he is not certain he can keep. And he is not going to make them, just to be in a relationship with you for his own gratification.
When it comes to romantic relationship with an INTJ, think of them as naïve gentlemen. Not naïve as in foolish — oh no. They are quite intelligent. But they will not make a commitment on their feelings. How can they? They don’t trust feelings. They have not trusted feeling their whole lives. That’s what makes them xNTJ. And where the ENTJ can be more in the moment and go with the flow and then disappoint, the INTJ can’t.
Now because he wants to communicate with you, he does want a relationship or something from you. But that does not mean he’s going to make promises which he is not certain that he can keep or willing to keep. He himself may not know because he would be acting on feeling.
It’s is a trait of INTJ that comes from xxTJ. They are not willing to commit on their feelings. Oh they have them and very deeply, but they don’t have the “experience” to know themselves and their feelings. And the constancy of those feelings or the fervor of those feelings. It’s like asking a digital computer to calculate an analog answer. It can approximate, but it’s not the same. Feelings are irrational and the xxTJ is extraordinarily rationally, irrational about feelings. He thinks they can be discounted. They can’t!!!
So he will not act on or will be hesitant to act on irrational feelings. It is contrary to his self image. But feelings are irrational — by their very nature. He even has them. The can run deep. Yet in his calculus of behavior, he chooses rational which to him is not to act on feelings even though he has them. He over thinks. He over analyzes. There is no over analyzing feelings. That is the inner conflict and all you can do is make a choice: accept, decline, or be patient.
So you have to decide if you want a relationship. If not, send him packing, but be gentle. In my experience, when you leave an INTJ the hurt is deep. They don’t bounce back like the Exxx do.
My advice, be patient. Leave the channels of communication open. And tell him truth. If you willing to be patient for a few months, then tell him. If you ready to move on, tell him. Be honest. Not as some ultimatum — but honestly ask yourself what you want and tell him. Because that is what he has done. He has put his cards on the table. You have to do the same.
How do you know when an INTJ truly cares about you?
Well, it’s hard to oversee.
There is a very limited circle of people for whom typical INTJs would care.
But if they do then
- They give you their time. For an extremely independent individual it’s a big deal.
- When they do something crazy, you have good chances to be included in their indeavors.
- They give you loyalty. It’s not the kind of people who would turn their backs on you.
- They’re 100% present for you. Again, for a person who spends a lot of time inside his head it’s a lot of giving.
- They give you trust. And they assume you’re a person who can be trusted.
- They would be patient with you even though they might believe that you’re doing something really stupid. They would go an extra mile to give you a hand.
- They share honest opinion with you.
- They keep in touch with you for a number of years. They would even initiate the contact.
- If you face a problem and ask them for help, they will not be in peace until the solution is found.
- They do their best to know and understand you fully. They often get to understand you better than you know yourself. They bother to apply an effort to achieve this result.
How do you know if an INTJ becomes your close friend? INFJ here
INTJ are very strategic and enjoy time alone so if they are spending a fair amount of time with you (a day or two a week) and they discuss anything personal with you than you have earned their trust and they value your company enough to say you are getting close or are close.
We are very happy to be by ourselves so if i let someone in my personal space (my home) and they can just chill and i don’t need to entertain them or even talk much then they are rare.
I love when a person can just be at my place but not bother me or talk to much or expect anything from me. That’s the kind of person I’ll tell they can come over whenever.
What are some strengths and weaknesses of INTJs in relationships?
I’ll start with the weaknesses because those can be staggering. Inability to trust without knowing a person really, really well is a big one. I might trust a person with my life and my wallet and bank account before I trust that person with my heart. This can be a serious problem in therapy but if you want to get close to an INTJ you need to understand this very important difference.
Part of the reason for this distrust is that:
- INTJ’s feelings are so sensitive and they don’t like getting hurt any more than anyone else. Yet they do get hurt really deeply so easily.
- navigating relationships is like walking into a forest blind. INTJ’s know that one wrong step is going to get them hurt badly but they haven’t a clue how to prevent it.
As for strength, their biggest strength in relationships is loyalty to those who do finally prove themselves trustworthy and earn their trust. I read that all the time. Not that the INTJ is likely to make a verbal statement that “You have earned my trust.” However, if they express disappointment in you, you can be pretty sure you made it into the inner circle or very close to it. Otherwise, they would not bother; they’d just decide, “This person isn’t worth my time and effort,” and move on, ignoring you.
The expression of disappointment is an effort to solve a problem, and most of all, to save the relationship. If you want better methods of solving relationship problems you may have to coach us in the exact method you prefer. But don’t do the coaching on the spot before you’re back in this person’s good graces. Remember those sensitive feelings that are shown only to you and a select few other trusted individuals.