INFJs are my favorite people (both female and male).
The attraction is like opposite poles of a magnet. We both see the big picture, and can both see below the surface due to being the only two Ni-doms, which are quite rare. This allows the discussion to go into great depth on a variety of topics. The INFJ is the only type with whom I completely lose track of time.
As an INTJ, I mostly only see (and am interested in) the abstract systems, while the INFJ sees how people fit into these abstract systems. Together, we can see the whole picture. During discussions on issues, I present the most rational solution, and they contribute the “people” aspect of the system, and together we can can synthesize the optimum solution based on the full picture.
The INTJ’s Te-Fi complements the INFJ’s Fe-Ti very well. Fe allows the INFJ to understand the INTJ at a deep level, so the INFJ doesn’t get intimidated by the INTJ. The INTJ’s Fi ensures a strict moral code is being followed, and this satisfies the INFJ’s Fe. I think Fe ensures compassion matters in the construction of the idea, something I might otherwise forget.
The INTJ is happy to have a capable partner in the conversation who sees the world in a similar way but through a different lens. Fe draws out the INTJ, and Ti provides the INFJ a way to keep up and to come up with questions and ideas to keep the INTJ’s Te interested and challenged.
A shared Se function allows us to enjoy similar activities too, which is very helpful since it helps lubricate the relationship.
I like INFJs a lot. The part that I wouldn’t adopt is any kind of idealism, for myself. But I can watch them without resistance. It’s fun. INTJ.
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Karan MehtaYeah, especially when that idealism reaches self-destructive levels.
My contribution to the relationship is to occasionally inject logic into the proceedings in order to help protect the INFJ from their self-sacrificing nature.
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Andrea AlvarezYou put into words what I’ve been for quite sometime trying to process. This is so scary and accurate. I met an amazing guy through tinder, I’m an INFJ and he is INTJ and since the moment we started chatting something just clicked in so many levels and like I’ve never felt before. We would talk for
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Karan MehtaThat’s a great story (and really believable, I know), and I’m sad that it didn’t work out. :/
But at least now you a bit more about yourself and what you’re looking for. 🙂1
Henri BaggsterThe only problem with the shared SE function is when you both get drunk
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Sharon SperryAs an INTJ with a good friend who is an INFJ, I find it one of my closest relationships. We know each other at a deep level. That deep knowledge allows us to both protect each other’s vulnerabilities and effectively and lovingly point out corrections that need to be made. My INFJ friend knows things about me I would never share with other, so-called, good friends. I trust my INFJ friend absolutely.
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Sam MatthewsDo you think INTJs get intimidated by the INFJ though since they have Fi rather than Fe, and thus can’t understand the INFJ on a deep level?
Karan MehtaIt’s really hard to intimidate an INTJ.
INFJs are among the least threatening/intimidating types out there, precisely because of Fe. Fe makes the situation comfortable for the other person, and that’s why the INFJ is called “The Therapist”.
The INTJ can understand the INFJ better than any other type in my opinion. Ni is a very unusual function, so we can talk philosophically—express complex ideas in few words, and build off each other. Being Ni-dom allows us to connect the dots in each other’s ideas.
Furthermore, Te-Fi is great to help the INFJ better understand themselves using Fe-Ti. Te-Fi helps the INTJ point out character traits in the INFJ that are presented in a palatable way. INTJ’s Fi is greatly respected, and the logical Te presents the idea in a way that is accepted by their Ti.
The INTJ can help the INFJ look at a situation in a dispassionate manner, which is helpful the INFJ is overwhelmed by emotions.
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Sam MatthewsAlso, I think the INTJ understands many, if not the majority/all other types better than any other type due to the fact that they have the highest conscientiousness of any type on average and due to their tendency to think objectively to a greater degree than most if not all other types.
Tobias NorheimI (an INTJ) have never been friends with an INFJ, but what’s really interesting is that I can detect an INFJ girl who I’m attracted to in an instant. I read somewhere that humans can decide in a matter of a split second wether they are attracted to someone or not, so I think it’s that. It has just been a feeling that I basically know this person is an INFJ, and then later I have analyzed them only to find out it was true.
How can an INFJ improve their relationships with an INTJ?
To preface: My other half of two years is an INFJ, enneagram 2w3. I am an INTJ, enneagram 5w6. My thoughts/views may differ slightly if roles are reversed (which is probably more common). Overall we have a great relationship. We seldom have disagreements, and when we do, we both are focused on finding a solution. I grew up in a fairly toxic home (text book narcissistic family/childhood dynamic). My mother was a wonderful lady, despite being too forgiving (she was an ISFJ). I’ve spent 6 years in therapy bettering/learning about myself. He comes from a good family, with parents who’ve been married 40+ years. We both have secure attachment styles; however, I do have some slight avoidant tendencies (not sure if thats my INTJness or the residual effects of a toxic family I haven’t 100% shed). With all of that, your mileage may vary.
For starters, I’d say the number 1 thing you can do to improve your relationship is simply use direct communication. For example, a typical convo with my bf will look like this:
Him: “Do you want something to eat?”
Me: “No.”
Him: (pauses for a minute) ”Oh, I thought you might want something to eat…” (notice he doesn’t ask a question, but his vocal inflection and tone signifies and alludes to the fact that he IS asking the same question in a non-question format🧐)
Me: (because from the start of question 1, I know *he* really wants something to eat, but for some God-unknown reason can’t/won’t say it, I try to lead him) “No, I’m not hungry. But, if you’re hungry, I’ll gladly go with you to get something to eat.”
Him: (pauses) “Well, do *you* want to get something to eat?”
Me: (reiterates my previous comment) “No, I am not hungry. But, as I said, I will gladly go with *you* to get something to eat if you’re hungry.”
Him: (pauses) “okay. Where do you want to eat?”
Me: “I don’t care where we go as I’m not hungry. How about you choose something you’re hungry for.”
Him: …..(reluctantly will choose a place- may ask for my preference on options)
So, for my INFJs out there reading this, as a rule, INTJ’s say what they mean and mean what we say. His inability to communicate his needs perplexes me, but I try to be patient and role model friendly, direct communication. Overall INTJs really want to make our partners happy, but, we don’t like guessing. I know it may be slightly awkward, but we will appreciate it soooooo much if you just tell us what you need. Like. Please.
As for number 2, I would suggest working on your self confidence and/or ability to be more reassured in yourself for several reasons. As an INTJ, we usually have the mindset of ‘we know what we know, and we also know what we don’t’. ‘We know who we are, we know who we’re not.’ We’re not pretentious. We just “are.” But, my INFJ partner, he seems to be riddled with all of this doubt and anxiety about his worthiness. I don’t really understand it. My bf has a heart of gold. I love that about him. But, sometimes, I feel like his desire to be accepted and loved, overrides his authenticity. He often over schedules himself- bc, again, he CAN’T say no (I don’t necessarily think this is just an INFJ thing, as I know ENFJs are also prone to over scheduling). Often when this happens, we are late to the FEW activities/functions I desire to do with my friends/family. I know it’s not purposeful, but his inability to say no, creates an unnecessary demand on his time, which ultimately bleeds into my/our plans. The latter can really cause undo stress on your INTJ who’s so carefully thought out the plans. I try to remind him every time he says “yes”, he is saying “no” to something /someone else (including himself/myself). I also try to tell him that we are all unique and have our own gifts- that he can be the juiciest, ripest peach, and someone still isn’t going to like peaches. At the end of the day, I just want him to be genuine, bc that’s truly what I love, admire and respect the most.
Overall, as mentioned, we have a good relationship. He understand me better than any other bf I’ve had (or personality type). We balance one another in certain areas, but can also tend to have similar blind spots (which we have to be aware of). I think he admires my strength and ability to say no without cause or reason. I admire his pure heart. And, at the end of the day, I think that’s one of the reasons we work so well: we both feel “safe” and understood. He finds comfort in knowing I am fiercely protective and loyal to those whom I love and/or principles (which takes the pressure off of him), and I have someone who wants to hug and love the daylights out of me, and who truly wants to make me happy and meet my needs (something that INTJs struggle to recognize and/or admit).
What is the root of conflict between an INTJ and an INFJ?
Dominant Te vs blind Te/Dominant Fe vs blind Fe.
INFJs and INTJs are almost identical except for our auxiliary and tertiary functions. Tertiary Fi and Ti usually complement each other well with Secondary Fe/Te. Therefore, these tertiary functions don’t cause that much of a friction.
It is the auxiliary functions that do.
Let me explain in detail (and this may be lengthy so bear with me):
INTJs’ auxiliary function is Te.
This function is focused on solving logical problems in the most efficient way possible through the creation of externally logical systems aka rules.
Te logic is focused on the outside world. Therefore Te users like ENTJs, ESTJs, ISTJs and INTJs will focus their attention on solving problems on a large scale, focusing on the best way to change and optimize systems. They will normally take an approach to this optimization from a leadership position.
Convined with Ni, this is normally how the INTJ’s expectations go:
“I’ll do A in order to improve C. And I expect person D to do action B in order to improve C aswell. If they don’t, this is a failure in my equation, which was created to optimize the system. Person D may have reasons for not doing B. But if I find those reasons to be illogical, then I will not try to understand them and I will steamroll them with my optimization plan anyways.”
This is the reason as to why Te doms and auxiliaries may come across as lacking in empathy. An INTJ will approach this inconsistence in the system from an almost purely logical standpoint. Their ethical values (Fi) are based on their own internal moral compass as opposed to the needs of the tribe/other.
Fe harmony will directly clash against this logical system because it doesn’t make sense to the INTJ. Fe is an INTJ’s blindspot. Empathy is their struggle, and social norms and expectations are useless to them.
From the perspective of an INTJ in a conflict, the INFJ will appear irrational. Their Fe will be seen as phoney, with its need to create harmony, its obsessive worry on the feelings and reactions of others, and its own propensity to be insulted and rebel against Te-logic “because feeeeeelings”. In reality, the INFJ might just be trying to restore harmony, or trying to help the INTJ from an emotional standpoint. But to the INTJ, this will be seen as manipulative.
The INTJ will rebel against this by attacking the INFJs value system. “I don’t need to have empathy towards your needs/the needs of others! I won’t let myself be manipulated!”
Likewise, the INFJ will respond in kind.
INFJs’ auxiliary function is Fe.
This function is based on creating external harmony through the development of values that are geared towards external social systems aka the tribe/the people.
Fe values are also focused on the outside world. Fe users like ENFJs, INFJs, ISFJs and ESFJs will focus their attention on altruistic and philanthropic acts and ideals that will help in creating harmony on a large scale, focusing on ways to optimize the living conditions of the individuals in those social systems. They will also normally take an approach to this from a leadership position, though a little different than Te users might. Fe users may be seen as “inspiring” more than “commanding”. They will be very good at rallying people for or against a cause. They will usually be charismatic.
Introverted INFJs will convince Ni with Fe to see into the future needs of the tribe and their expectations will go:
“Society/Person D needs A in order to improve C. If I provide society/person D with A, it will improve C, which will in turn create harmony in person/society D’s life/situation. I expect person B to also provide A to D in order to improve C. If person B doesn’t, or actively works to destabilize C, this will result in a destabilization of harmony. Person B may have their reasons for not wanting to provide/destabilizing C. But if I find those reasons to be selfish/lacking in empathy, then I will actively rebel against person B in order to get them to comply or to neutralize them.”
This reaction from the Fe auxiliary will seem illogical to the INTJ; manipulative; oversensitive. An INFJ will approach this breach of harmony in the social system from an almost purely ethical standpoint. Their logical system (Ti) is based on their own internal logical framework as opposed to an externally logical system of rules.
Te straightforwardness will directly clash against this harmonious system because it’s seen as a moral failing. Te is an INFJ’s blindspot. They often struggle to solve logical problems in the most efficient way possible without putting the needs of the tribe before logic.
From the perspective of an INFJ in a conflict, the INTJ will appear authoritarian, lacking in empathy, trying to abuse their power and selfish. When in reality, the INTJ might just be trying to solve the same problem the INFJ is, but from a Te logical standpoint. Or maybe the INTJ is just trying to help the INFJ, but this will be seen as controlling.
The INFJ will rebel against this by unleashing a storm that the INTJ cannot handle. “You don’t control me! I don’t need your arbitrary rules!”
How the conflict might look like and how to solve it.
An INTJ and an INFJ walk into a bar and order two pints. The INTJ’s Te will start picking apart things that can be optimized about this bar, the bartender, the people who go there… the INTJ may share his honest criticisms on these elements, using their Te logic as a measuring stick.
The INFJ may consider such judgements to be harsh and unfair and thus Fe will see this as a breach in harmony. Not only may the bartender and the people around be listening and such criticisms might hurt their feelings; the INTJ is also failing to consider the economic and psychological situation of the bartender, and the reasons as to why the bar is the way it is and the people in it are the way they are.
At this point a difference in opinions and values has arised, but there’s no danger yet. If both the INFJ and the INTJ activate their tertiary functions in order to understand the point of view of the other, the conflict might be resolved.
“I think my judgements are logically true, but they might be morally unfair.” (Tertiary Fi)
“I think my ethical standpoint is different, but I understand your point.” (Tertiary Ti)
However, let’s assume that alcohol has sort of impaired these two functions and what’s left is a clash of Fe vs Te and blind Te vs blind Fe.
So, the INFJ will voice their discontent with the harsh judgements of the INTJ. To which the INTJ will respond with blind Fe, by setting their Te to steamroll over the INFJ’s warning, and calling the INFJ’s feelings illogical and unsubstantiated.
This will hurt the INFJ’s Ti and will completely break the INFJ’s sense of harmony, which will in turn make them angry. By which they will respond with blind Te, by characterizing the INTJ’s straightforwardness and blind empathy as a moral failing.
This will hurt the INTJ’s Fi and will go against their sense of logic, at which point they might shut off completely, characterizing the INFJ as manipulative and phoney and therefore not worth their time, or they will respond by intentionally attacking the INFJ’s values further and breaking their sense of harmony even more.
By this time, if the INFJ hasn’t also just walked out mumbling about how the INTJ is a psychopath, they will lash out at the INTJ and attack their sense of logical order even further.
And then chaos will reign.
As said before, though, the way of resolving this conflict, is easy. Tertiary function.
Blind Fe might struggle with empathy, but the internal value system created by Fi will help the INTJ to develop a stronger sense of “right” vs “wrong” that’s not only based on binary Te logic.
Blind Te might struggle with rules it finds unfair or inhuman, but the internal logical system created by Ti will help the INFJ understand the reasons as to why they exist that’s not only based on the exterior wellbeing of others.
And that’s how in the end, the conflict between the INTJ and the INFJ might be neutralized.
Here’s a picture of an INFJ and an INTJ from Pride and Prejudice whose famous Te/Fe conflicts made them fall in love:
I apologize for the long answer.
Just When You Think You’re a Mastermind, An INFJ Walks in and Figures you out in 30 Seconds
INTJs, so cocky, so mysterious, so aloof, so …”no body gets me” …… then meets an INFJ who figures them out in mins.😔🙇♂️