What types of things can be said or done to calm an INFJ down?

It is rare, the INFJ storm. It is rare because the INFJ is smooth and calm from the beginning. They will not step bounds unless they are pushed to their limits. The limits can stretch quite long but limits nonetheless.

Once an INFJs storm begins, it can be difficult to stop them. From door-slamming to telling you awful truths about yourself to exposing your lies, the INFJ will see to it that you have burned down.

Like I said before, it is rare.

Here are a few pointers you can use to calm an INFJ down:

  • Purpose. Remind them of their higher purpose and how what they are doing while angry does not relate to that. This makes them pause and rethink.
  • Ethics. Remind your INFJ that they are causing a scene, or destroying the very harmony they have created. In a social gathering, tell them they are being loud, and that people are starting to stare. This triggers their extraverted feeling into cooling down as they are always aiming to create harmony. Sometimes sacrificing their own wants and needs.
  • Appreciation. Be grateful for what they do for you. Appreciate them for who they are. Be sincere, they will know when you aren’t.
  • Sincere. Tell your INFJ that you apologize for what you have done. Be sincere as they can detect it. For the future be consistent with them about everything. Consistent, honest, and open.

If you want to know how to convince an INFJ to accept your ideas, read here.

What is the root of conflict between an INTJ and an INFJ?

Dominant Te vs blind Te/Dominant Fe vs blind Fe.

INFJs and INTJs are almost identical except for our auxiliary and tertiary functions. Tertiary Fi and Ti usually complement each other well with Secondary Fe/Te. Therefore, these tertiary functions don’t cause that much of a friction.

It is the auxiliary functions that do.

Let me explain in detail (and this may be lengthy so bear with me):

INTJs’ auxiliary function is Te.

This function is focused on solving logical problems in the most efficient way possible through the creation of externally logical systems aka rules.

Te logic is focused on the outside world. Therefore Te users like ENTJs, ESTJs, ISTJs and INTJs will focus their attention on solving problems on a large scale, focusing on the best way to change and optimize systems. They will normally take an approach to this optimization from a leadership position.

Convined with Ni, this is normally how the INTJ’s expectations go:

“I’ll do A in order to improve C. And I expect person D to do action B in order to improve C aswell. If they don’t, this is a failure in my equation, which was created to optimize the system. Person D may have reasons for not doing B. But if I find those reasons to be illogical, then I will not try to understand them and I will steamroll them with my optimization plan anyways.”

This is the reason as to why Te doms and auxiliaries may come across as lacking in empathy. An INTJ will approach this inconsistence in the system from an almost purely logical standpoint. Their ethical values (Fi) are based on their own internal moral compass as opposed to the needs of the tribe/other.

Fe harmony will directly clash against this logical system because it doesn’t make sense to the INTJ. Fe is an INTJ’s blindspot. Empathy is their struggle, and social norms and expectations are useless to them.

From the perspective of an INTJ in a conflict, the INFJ will appear irrational. Their Fe will be seen as phoney, with its need to create harmony, its obsessive worry on the feelings and reactions of others, and its own propensity to be insulted and rebel against Te-logic “because feeeeeelings”. In reality, the INFJ might just be trying to restore harmony, or trying to help the INTJ from an emotional standpoint. But to the INTJ, this will be seen as manipulative.

The INTJ will rebel against this by attacking the INFJs value system. “I don’t need to have empathy towards your needs/the needs of others! I won’t let myself be manipulated!”

Likewise, the INFJ will respond in kind.

INFJs’ auxiliary function is Fe.

This function is based on creating external harmony through the development of values that are geared towards external social systems aka the tribe/the people.

Fe values are also focused on the outside world. Fe users like ENFJs, INFJs, ISFJs and ESFJs will focus their attention on altruistic and philanthropic acts and ideals that will help in creating harmony on a large scale, focusing on ways to optimize the living conditions of the individuals in those social systems. They will also normally take an approach to this from a leadership position, though a little different than Te users might. Fe users may be seen as “inspiring” more than “commanding”. They will be very good at rallying people for or against a cause. They will usually be charismatic.

Introverted INFJs will convince Ni with Fe to see into the future needs of the tribe and their expectations will go:

“Society/Person D needs A in order to improve C. If I provide society/person D with A, it will improve C, which will in turn create harmony in person/society D’s life/situation. I expect person B to also provide A to D in order to improve C. If person B doesn’t, or actively works to destabilize C, this will result in a destabilization of harmony. Person B may have their reasons for not wanting to provide/destabilizing C. But if I find those reasons to be selfish/lacking in empathy, then I will actively rebel against person B in order to get them to comply or to neutralize them.”

This reaction from the Fe auxiliary will seem illogical to the INTJ; manipulative; oversensitive. An INFJ will approach this breach of harmony in the social system from an almost purely ethical standpoint. Their logical system (Ti) is based on their own internal logical framework as opposed to an externally logical system of rules.

Te straightforwardness will directly clash against this harmonious system because it’s seen as a moral failing. Te is an INFJ’s blindspot. They often struggle to solve logical problems in the most efficient way possible without putting the needs of the tribe before logic.

From the perspective of an INFJ in a conflict, the INTJ will appear authoritarian, lacking in empathy, trying to abuse their power and selfish. When in reality, the INTJ might just be trying to solve the same problem the INFJ is, but from a Te logical standpoint. Or maybe the INTJ is just trying to help the INFJ, but this will be seen as controlling.

The INFJ will rebel against this by unleashing a storm that the INTJ cannot handle. “You don’t control me! I don’t need your arbitrary rules!”

How the conflict might look like and how to solve it.

An INTJ and an INFJ walk into a bar and order two pints. The INTJ’s Te will start picking apart things that can be optimized about this bar, the bartender, the people who go there… the INTJ may share his honest criticisms on these elements, using their Te logic as a measuring stick.

The INFJ may consider such judgements to be harsh and unfair and thus Fe will see this as a breach in harmony. Not only may the bartender and the people around be listening and such criticisms might hurt their feelings; the INTJ is also failing to consider the economic and psychological situation of the bartender, and the reasons as to why the bar is the way it is and the people in it are the way they are.

At this point a difference in opinions and values has arised, but there’s no danger yet. If both the INFJ and the INTJ activate their tertiary functions in order to understand the point of view of the other, the conflict might be resolved.

I think my judgements are logically true, but they might be morally unfair.” (Tertiary Fi)

I think my ethical standpoint is different, but I understand your point.” (Tertiary Ti)

However, let’s assume that alcohol has sort of impaired these two functions and what’s left is a clash of Fe vs Te and blind Te vs blind Fe.

So, the INFJ will voice their discontent with the harsh judgements of the INTJ. To which the INTJ will respond with blind Fe, by setting their Te to steamroll over the INFJ’s warning, and calling the INFJ’s feelings illogical and unsubstantiated.

This will hurt the INFJ’s Ti and will completely break the INFJ’s sense of harmony, which will in turn make them angry. By which they will respond with blind Te, by characterizing the INTJ’s straightforwardness and blind empathy as a moral failing.

This will hurt the INTJ’s Fi and will go against their sense of logic, at which point they might shut off completely, characterizing the INFJ as manipulative and phoney and therefore not worth their time, or they will respond by intentionally attacking the INFJ’s values further and breaking their sense of harmony even more.

By this time, if the INFJ hasn’t also just walked out mumbling about how the INTJ is a psychopath, they will lash out at the INTJ and attack their sense of logical order even further.

And then chaos will reign.

As said before, though, the way of resolving this conflict, is easy. Tertiary function.

Blind Fe might struggle with empathy, but the internal value system created by Fi will help the INTJ to develop a stronger sense of “right” vs “wrong” that’s not only based on binary Te logic.

Blind Te might struggle with rules it finds unfair or inhuman, but the internal logical system created by Ti will help the INFJ understand the reasons as to why they exist that’s not only based on the exterior wellbeing of others.

And that’s how in the end, the conflict between the INTJ and the INFJ might be neutralized.

Here’s a picture of an INFJ and an INTJ from Pride and Prejudice whose famous Te/Fe conflicts made them fall in love:

I apologize for the long answer.