- High standards. They are galactically high for an INFJ. We may not always hold others accountable to our standards, but we can sure suffocate ourselves by trying to live up to our standards. Subcategory of this would be a perfectionism. As a result, we’re moody, picky, and too harsh on ourselves.
- Emotional explosions. Most of us always seek harmony and often avoid conflicts. This tendency is responsible for unaddressed emotional buildup. Although we may be patient, there’s a point of no return – we’ve had enough and we cannot continue bottling up; explosions that follow pose lethal threats to our communicationships. As a result, the infamous doorslam may take place.
- Stubbornness. If we have already made up our minds, be sure that we considered our thoughts, feelings, and of course possible scenarios. It’s not an easy task to make us change our minds. Guilt trip? Very possible! Change our minds? Na.
- Sensitivity. We value words, tone, and body language; if anything seems off or something is said in a cryptic way we may be hurt due to misinterpretation. If we are left alone with our thoughts and zero clarifications for too long then don’t be surprised if we withdraw. Sometimes it’s a permanent withdrawal if we showed we cared, but it wasn’t reciprocated.
Are INTJs drawn to INFJs?
INFJs are my favorite people (both female and male).
The attraction is like opposite poles of a magnet. We both see the big picture, and can both see below the surface due to being the only two Ni-doms, which are quite rare. This allows the discussion to go into great depth on a variety of topics. The INFJ is the only type with whom I completely lose track of time.
As an INTJ, I mostly only see (and am interested in) the abstract systems, while the INFJ sees how people fit into these abstract systems. Together, we can see the whole picture. During discussions on issues, I present the most rational solution, and they contribute the “people” aspect of the system, and together we can can synthesize the optimum solution based on the full picture.
The INTJ’s Te-Fi complements the INFJ’s Fe-Ti very well. Fe allows the INFJ to understand the INTJ at a deep level, so the INFJ doesn’t get intimidated by the INTJ. The INTJ’s Fi ensures a strict moral code is being followed, and this satisfies the INFJ’s Fe. I think Fe ensures compassion matters in the construction of the idea, something I might otherwise forget.
The INTJ is happy to have a capable partner in the conversation who sees the world in a similar way but through a different lens. Fe draws out the INTJ, and Ti provides the INFJ a way to keep up and to come up with questions and ideas to keep the INTJ’s Te interested and challenged.
A shared Se function allows us to enjoy similar activities too, which is very helpful since it helps lubricate the relationship.
I like INFJs a lot. The part that I wouldn’t adopt is any kind of idealism, for myself. But I can watch them without resistance. It’s fun. INTJ.
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Karan MehtaYeah, especially when that idealism reaches self-destructive levels.
My contribution to the relationship is to occasionally inject logic into the proceedings in order to help protect the INFJ from their self-sacrificing nature.
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Andrea AlvarezYou put into words what I’ve been for quite sometime trying to process. This is so scary and accurate. I met an amazing guy through tinder, I’m an INFJ and he is INTJ and since the moment we started chatting something just clicked in so many levels and like I’ve never felt before. We would talk for
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Karan MehtaThat’s a great story (and really believable, I know), and I’m sad that it didn’t work out. :/
But at least now you a bit more about yourself and what you’re looking for. 🙂1
Henri BaggsterThe only problem with the shared SE function is when you both get drunk
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Sharon SperryAs an INTJ with a good friend who is an INFJ, I find it one of my closest relationships. We know each other at a deep level. That deep knowledge allows us to both protect each other’s vulnerabilities and effectively and lovingly point out corrections that need to be made. My INFJ friend knows things about me I would never share with other, so-called, good friends. I trust my INFJ friend absolutely.
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Sam MatthewsDo you think INTJs get intimidated by the INFJ though since they have Fi rather than Fe, and thus can’t understand the INFJ on a deep level?
Karan MehtaIt’s really hard to intimidate an INTJ.
INFJs are among the least threatening/intimidating types out there, precisely because of Fe. Fe makes the situation comfortable for the other person, and that’s why the INFJ is called “The Therapist”.
The INTJ can understand the INFJ better than any other type in my opinion. Ni is a very unusual function, so we can talk philosophically—express complex ideas in few words, and build off each other. Being Ni-dom allows us to connect the dots in each other’s ideas.
Furthermore, Te-Fi is great to help the INFJ better understand themselves using Fe-Ti. Te-Fi helps the INTJ point out character traits in the INFJ that are presented in a palatable way. INTJ’s Fi is greatly respected, and the logical Te presents the idea in a way that is accepted by their Ti.
The INTJ can help the INFJ look at a situation in a dispassionate manner, which is helpful the INFJ is overwhelmed by emotions.
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Sam MatthewsAlso, I think the INTJ understands many, if not the majority/all other types better than any other type due to the fact that they have the highest conscientiousness of any type on average and due to their tendency to think objectively to a greater degree than most if not all other types.
Tobias NorheimI (an INTJ) have never been friends with an INFJ, but what’s really interesting is that I can detect an INFJ girl who I’m attracted to in an instant. I read somewhere that humans can decide in a matter of a split second wether they are attracted to someone or not, so I think it’s that. It has just been a feeling that I basically know this person is an INFJ, and then later I have analyzed them only to find out it was true.
What types of things can be said or done to calm an INFJ down?
It is rare, the INFJ storm. It is rare because the INFJ is smooth and calm from the beginning. They will not step bounds unless they are pushed to their limits. The limits can stretch quite long but limits nonetheless.
Once an INFJs storm begins, it can be difficult to stop them. From door-slamming to telling you awful truths about yourself to exposing your lies, the INFJ will see to it that you have burned down.
Like I said before, it is rare.
Here are a few pointers you can use to calm an INFJ down:
- Purpose. Remind them of their higher purpose and how what they are doing while angry does not relate to that. This makes them pause and rethink.
- Ethics. Remind your INFJ that they are causing a scene, or destroying the very harmony they have created. In a social gathering, tell them they are being loud, and that people are starting to stare. This triggers their extraverted feeling into cooling down as they are always aiming to create harmony. Sometimes sacrificing their own wants and needs.
- Appreciation. Be grateful for what they do for you. Appreciate them for who they are. Be sincere, they will know when you aren’t.
- Sincere. Tell your INFJ that you apologize for what you have done. Be sincere as they can detect it. For the future be consistent with them about everything. Consistent, honest, and open.
If you want to know how to convince an INFJ to accept your ideas, read here.
What is the root of conflict between an INTJ and an INFJ?
Dominant Te vs blind Te/Dominant Fe vs blind Fe.
INFJs and INTJs are almost identical except for our auxiliary and tertiary functions. Tertiary Fi and Ti usually complement each other well with Secondary Fe/Te. Therefore, these tertiary functions don’t cause that much of a friction.
It is the auxiliary functions that do.
Let me explain in detail (and this may be lengthy so bear with me):
INTJs’ auxiliary function is Te.
This function is focused on solving logical problems in the most efficient way possible through the creation of externally logical systems aka rules.
Te logic is focused on the outside world. Therefore Te users like ENTJs, ESTJs, ISTJs and INTJs will focus their attention on solving problems on a large scale, focusing on the best way to change and optimize systems. They will normally take an approach to this optimization from a leadership position.
Convined with Ni, this is normally how the INTJ’s expectations go:
“I’ll do A in order to improve C. And I expect person D to do action B in order to improve C aswell. If they don’t, this is a failure in my equation, which was created to optimize the system. Person D may have reasons for not doing B. But if I find those reasons to be illogical, then I will not try to understand them and I will steamroll them with my optimization plan anyways.”
This is the reason as to why Te doms and auxiliaries may come across as lacking in empathy. An INTJ will approach this inconsistence in the system from an almost purely logical standpoint. Their ethical values (Fi) are based on their own internal moral compass as opposed to the needs of the tribe/other.
Fe harmony will directly clash against this logical system because it doesn’t make sense to the INTJ. Fe is an INTJ’s blindspot. Empathy is their struggle, and social norms and expectations are useless to them.
From the perspective of an INTJ in a conflict, the INFJ will appear irrational. Their Fe will be seen as phoney, with its need to create harmony, its obsessive worry on the feelings and reactions of others, and its own propensity to be insulted and rebel against Te-logic “because feeeeeelings”. In reality, the INFJ might just be trying to restore harmony, or trying to help the INTJ from an emotional standpoint. But to the INTJ, this will be seen as manipulative.
The INTJ will rebel against this by attacking the INFJs value system. “I don’t need to have empathy towards your needs/the needs of others! I won’t let myself be manipulated!”
Likewise, the INFJ will respond in kind.
INFJs’ auxiliary function is Fe.
This function is based on creating external harmony through the development of values that are geared towards external social systems aka the tribe/the people.
Fe values are also focused on the outside world. Fe users like ENFJs, INFJs, ISFJs and ESFJs will focus their attention on altruistic and philanthropic acts and ideals that will help in creating harmony on a large scale, focusing on ways to optimize the living conditions of the individuals in those social systems. They will also normally take an approach to this from a leadership position, though a little different than Te users might. Fe users may be seen as “inspiring” more than “commanding”. They will be very good at rallying people for or against a cause. They will usually be charismatic.
Introverted INFJs will convince Ni with Fe to see into the future needs of the tribe and their expectations will go:
“Society/Person D needs A in order to improve C. If I provide society/person D with A, it will improve C, which will in turn create harmony in person/society D’s life/situation. I expect person B to also provide A to D in order to improve C. If person B doesn’t, or actively works to destabilize C, this will result in a destabilization of harmony. Person B may have their reasons for not wanting to provide/destabilizing C. But if I find those reasons to be selfish/lacking in empathy, then I will actively rebel against person B in order to get them to comply or to neutralize them.”
This reaction from the Fe auxiliary will seem illogical to the INTJ; manipulative; oversensitive. An INFJ will approach this breach of harmony in the social system from an almost purely ethical standpoint. Their logical system (Ti) is based on their own internal logical framework as opposed to an externally logical system of rules.
Te straightforwardness will directly clash against this harmonious system because it’s seen as a moral failing. Te is an INFJ’s blindspot. They often struggle to solve logical problems in the most efficient way possible without putting the needs of the tribe before logic.
From the perspective of an INFJ in a conflict, the INTJ will appear authoritarian, lacking in empathy, trying to abuse their power and selfish. When in reality, the INTJ might just be trying to solve the same problem the INFJ is, but from a Te logical standpoint. Or maybe the INTJ is just trying to help the INFJ, but this will be seen as controlling.
The INFJ will rebel against this by unleashing a storm that the INTJ cannot handle. “You don’t control me! I don’t need your arbitrary rules!”
How the conflict might look like and how to solve it.
An INTJ and an INFJ walk into a bar and order two pints. The INTJ’s Te will start picking apart things that can be optimized about this bar, the bartender, the people who go there… the INTJ may share his honest criticisms on these elements, using their Te logic as a measuring stick.
The INFJ may consider such judgements to be harsh and unfair and thus Fe will see this as a breach in harmony. Not only may the bartender and the people around be listening and such criticisms might hurt their feelings; the INTJ is also failing to consider the economic and psychological situation of the bartender, and the reasons as to why the bar is the way it is and the people in it are the way they are.
At this point a difference in opinions and values has arised, but there’s no danger yet. If both the INFJ and the INTJ activate their tertiary functions in order to understand the point of view of the other, the conflict might be resolved.
“I think my judgements are logically true, but they might be morally unfair.” (Tertiary Fi)
“I think my ethical standpoint is different, but I understand your point.” (Tertiary Ti)
However, let’s assume that alcohol has sort of impaired these two functions and what’s left is a clash of Fe vs Te and blind Te vs blind Fe.
So, the INFJ will voice their discontent with the harsh judgements of the INTJ. To which the INTJ will respond with blind Fe, by setting their Te to steamroll over the INFJ’s warning, and calling the INFJ’s feelings illogical and unsubstantiated.
This will hurt the INFJ’s Ti and will completely break the INFJ’s sense of harmony, which will in turn make them angry. By which they will respond with blind Te, by characterizing the INTJ’s straightforwardness and blind empathy as a moral failing.
This will hurt the INTJ’s Fi and will go against their sense of logic, at which point they might shut off completely, characterizing the INFJ as manipulative and phoney and therefore not worth their time, or they will respond by intentionally attacking the INFJ’s values further and breaking their sense of harmony even more.
By this time, if the INFJ hasn’t also just walked out mumbling about how the INTJ is a psychopath, they will lash out at the INTJ and attack their sense of logical order even further.
And then chaos will reign.
As said before, though, the way of resolving this conflict, is easy. Tertiary function.
Blind Fe might struggle with empathy, but the internal value system created by Fi will help the INTJ to develop a stronger sense of “right” vs “wrong” that’s not only based on binary Te logic.
Blind Te might struggle with rules it finds unfair or inhuman, but the internal logical system created by Ti will help the INFJ understand the reasons as to why they exist that’s not only based on the exterior wellbeing of others.
And that’s how in the end, the conflict between the INTJ and the INFJ might be neutralized.
Here’s a picture of an INFJ and an INTJ from Pride and Prejudice whose famous Te/Fe conflicts made them fall in love:
I apologize for the long answer.