They are enraged when told they aren’t beautiful or brilliant but aren’t affected much if told they are jerks.
.. Narcissists’ language and demeanor is often geared toward one objective: to maintain power in an interaction. Psychologist Anita Vangelisti of the University of Texas at Austin found that tactics in the narcissists’ toolbox include bragging, refocusing the topic of conversation, making exaggerated hand movements, talking loudly, and showing disinterest by “glazing over” when others speak.
.. “I allow a woman to feel the gift of really wanting me whenever I feel she needs to feel that,” notes Mystery
.. Because control is so important to narcissists, they can abruptly lose their charm if destabilized or threatened. This two-faced behavior is often the first clue to their true character. They get angry when rejected, overreacting to small slights and punishing those who do not support their grandiose image of themselves.
.. Back and his colleagues found that while students expected charming individuals to like others more, people with “self-centered values” actually dislike others more.
.. It appears that narcissists seek out people who maintain their high positive self-image, at the same time intentionally avoiding and putting down people who may give them a harsh dose of realism.
.. The narcissist who receives indiscriminate praise from his or hercaregiver as well as signals of coldness and rejection may come to distrust the praise and exist in a perpetual state of insecurity.
.. Graduate student Erica Carlson and her colleagues found that college students scoring high in narcissism rated themselves more intelligent, physically attractive, likable, and funny than others, as well as more power-oriented, impulsive, arrogant, and prone to exaggerate their abilities! In other words, they knew exactly how others viewed them. The study found that narcissists were even aware that their reputations worsened over time. They just didn’t care.
.. Campbell and his colleagues found that people who date narcissists are highly satisfied for about four months, at which point they report a rapid decline in relations.
.. On days when women were at high fertility, they were much more attracted to displays of social presence (e.g., composure, eye contact) and competitiveness (e.g., derogation of competitors), both of which signal the confidence that is the narcissist’s hallmark.
.. Men with narcissistic tendencies place much more emphasis on physical appearance than on an empathic partner, and not merely for the arm-candy factor one might expect. Narcissists are interested in “tens” [gorgeous women] in part because they believe such women may be most susceptible to their manipulative tactics!
.. Don’t try to change him or her. Remember, this person enjoys being a narcissist. The more emotionally attached you get, the easier it will be for the narcissist to manipulate you.
Why are Narcissists (Initially) so Popular?
But here’s the kicker (or paradox). In that same study, Paulhus found that after the first meeting, narcissists were rated as more agreeable, conscientious, open, competence, entertaining, and well adjusted by the other members of the group.
.. Not all facets of narcissism were equally predictive of popularity. In fact, the Leadership/Authority facet was almost completely unrelated with first impressions. They found that the facet that most strongly predicted popularity was the Exploitativeness/Entitlement facet.
.. “being admired by others is like a drug for narcissists.”
the narcissistic paradox, is the narcissts’ tendency to simultaneously devalue others while at the same time needing the admiration of others. As Morf & Rhodewalt (2001) put it, as narcissists
“yearn and reach for self-affirmation, they destroy the very relationships on which they are dependent.”
Back and colleagues note that narcissists can ‘solve’ the paradox by only relying on positive feedback from those with zero acquaintance whom they do not have to value.
.. blogging is a terrific arena for narcissists, if not the best arena imaginable. Narcissistic bloggers can get a constant stream of admiration fromcomplete strangers in the form of comments after each blog post. The blogger doesn’t have to value the commentator or form a relationship with the commentator. In fact, the commentator is helping to feed the narcisstic blogger’s addiction for instant admiration.
.. We tend to be attracted to people who possess the four qualities (flashy and neat dress, charming facial expression, self-assured body movements, and humorous verbal expression) that narcissists tend to (initially) possess.
Success Can Breed the Narcissism of “Tall Man Syndrome”
For starters, all of them had confidence that seemed sky high.
They exuded enthusiasm about whatever they were doing—great financial deals, athletic successes, winning marathons. Their excitement about their in fact legitimate accomplishments could dwarf the normal energies of everyday folk quite easily, so I could see how they felt more important than others in their family or friendship circle.
.. When I looked at the narcissists’ their track records for monogamy I saw more disasters. They seemed to think that the rules for normal mortals didn’t apply to them.
.. Fortunately, in spite of the declarations in many internet articles that narcissists do not change in therapy, once these men, and their female equivalents, are motivated to grow up, many turn out to make great therapy clients. Narcissists generally like doing things well. They are used to being good, preferably the best, at what they do, so when they see that there’s a way to become a better husband and even a better person, some decide to take on the challenge.
4 Behaviors That Unmask the Hidden Narcissist
What I didn’t understand at the time and do now is that the narcissist shows his true colors in conflict.
.. Both of these authors take the position that the narcissist is, in fact, emotionally wounded, and that the behaviors he or she evinces are efforts to disguise or assuage the pain of that wounded self.
.. It’s in conflict—when even the healthiest among us becomes defensive and self-protective—that the narcissist reveals him or herself in fullness. His or her lack of empathy—the cornerstone of the narcissist—is fully exposed because when the narcissist feels threatened, winning or succeeding to protect him or herself is all that matters, not consequences. The shallow nature of their emotional connections—to you and to all others—is underscored by a narcissist’s focus and determination to win at any cost.
.. To borrow a term from the military, the narcissist’s policy is scorched earth, destroying everything and leaving nothing behind as he or she advances or withdraws —not a shred of connection or memory, respect for past connections or relationships, or the welfare of others involved in the conflict. The narcissist’s willingness to lie is nothing short of extraordinary and he or she will be completely unconcerned whether those lies are found out or not. It’s lack of empathy on steroids or, better put, aggrandized and entitled. The motto of the narcissist? “What you think of me is none of my business,” and he or she really means it.
.. many narcissists appear quite sympathetic because they like looking good in the eyes of others and, more important, they like reassuring themselves that they’re nice guys or gals. Empathy is another matter entirely.
.. You try talking to your partner about his dismissiveness and lack of connection and he responds by saying that he’s not dismissive but he’s just not willing to respond to your anger and constant complaints. The reality is that what you are saying is irritating the daylights of him—his jaw muscles are working and he’s on his way to being really frosted—but rather than own those feelings, he assigns them to you.
.. Because of his distorted, defensive relationship to reality, the Extreme Narcissist often believes the lies he tells, both to himself and other people. He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embittered defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it.”