focus on individual relationships
Although some parents are eager to be “one big happy family” early on, it’s often a good idea to take things slow and put more emphasis on nurturing individual relationships. Stepparents need time alone with their stepchildren to get to know them, and learn to appreciate who they are and what they like, away from the rest of the family.
A stepparent can set aside fifteen or thirty minutes (up to an hour each week) of special time with their stepchild. It’s a time when the child gets to do whatever they want, within the limits of safety and reason. While avoiding instructing, teaching, or critiquing their stepchild, stepmom or stepdad is there to follow their stepchild’s lead and to fill them with appreciation and respect.
This is an opportunity to find common interests, and create a space that feels safe and relaxed enough for both child and adult to really show one another who they are. These times can set the foundation for a strong and loving relationship between a stepparent and stepchild.
For example, one day when my step-daughter was ten, I picked her up from school and asked her what she wanted to do for special time. She said she wanted to go jogging. “Jogging?!” I thought. “I barely get to yoga class these days!” But that was what she wanted, so we put on our running shoes and yoga pants and headed out the door.
In the first twenty seconds of our run, she looked at me and said, “So how are you, Julie? This is a good time to talk,” and she beamed a warm smile my way. I tried to talk through my huffing and puffing. She didn’t seem to mind that at times I had to walk, or couldn’t talk, she just seemed glad that I was there, and that I was willing to push myself in a place that was hard for me…just to be with her. We had a lovely time together, running, walking, huffing, puffing, and talking. We spent the rest of the day lying in the sun reading and doing homework.
.. 2. support children in their transitions
Moving back and forth from one household to another isn’t easy. Transition days can be tough. It is a time when big feelings can erupt and small incidents more easily set children off. If a child begins to cry about going to mommy’s house, or about a granola bar she dropped as she was heading out the door, or a shirt she couldn’t find, lean in, make eye contact, and listen. If a child is allowed to cry, instead of burying her feelings away, chances are her day will go better.
Making room for feelings to erupt as a child settles in after being away for a while or leaves for the other house can make a big difference. Be sure to build in extra time around transitions in case big feelings do surface so you can give your child extra attention in the hours before and after they change households.
3. use laughter to build closeness and reduce tension
Laughter and physical play can be the antidote to tension that arises in any family, and in blended families it can be used strategically during transition days or to build the relationship between stepparents and stepchildren, as well as between new and old siblings. In our household, we have a ritual of roughhousing after dinner. Wrestling and roughhousing are particularly helpful on the evenings that my stepdaughter returns to our house after being away for a few days.
4. find someone to listen to you
Find someone outside of your family to get support from. A friend, a neighbor, another parent or stepparent—someone who can just listen without giving advice. Allow each person to take 15 to 30 minutes to talk, or cry, or laugh about how hard stepfamilies can be at times.
5. find activities that unite, not alienate, stepchildren and stepparents
A step dad can feel like the odd parent out if mom and her daughter have a ritual of rollerblading every weekend and the step dad isn’t so good on wheels. Find activities that stepparents and stepchildren can do together to bridge the gap. One stepdad I know plays tennis with his stepson every Saturday afternoon while the mom takes their daughters to swimming lessons.
always speak of other parents with respect
Although it may seem obvious, it’s not always easy. In the heat of the moment when you’re angry or frustrated at the parent who lives in the other household, keep negative comments or tension away from the children. All children want their parents to be respected (no matter how much conflict or hurt has ensued between them). And all parents deserve to be respected, even in their darkest moments. Children shouldn’t be in the middle of or privy to conflict between parents who are separated.
What children really want is for their parents to get along. But because that’s not always possible, at least be respectful of one another. Even if a parent is no longer in the picture and the child has lost all contact with their mother or father— we can still remind him that his mother who can no longer live with him will always love him.
7. find a respite from the storm
- Even the most dedicated stepparent can get exhausted, overwhelmed, and on the way to burn-out. Stepparents need a place to go to blow off steam and to feel connected with friends and other family. That might mean taking a good novel to another room of the house for a while, or calling a loved one while walking around the block when things get to be too much. Or better yet, plan an overnight to a place in nature with a good friend. Just as parents need time to refuel and reconnect with people they are close to, stepparents also need a respite from the stress of stepparenting.
When my stepdaughter was very young, there were days when I didn’t know how I would ever manage a child that had such strong emotions and wasn’t one of my own. I would call a friend, my mother, or my mentor, and told them how difficult the days were.
One morning, during one of these desperate calls, my friend said, “Julie, your stepdaughter will be one of the most important people in your life one day.”
And today, that’s true. We have forged a bond that’s unbreakable. Our “special times” together are some of my most enjoyable moments with her, her passionate moments are more manageable for me, and I love the young woman she is turning out to be. We’re living proof that it is possible to have a close blended family where there is still room for big emotions and lots of laughter and love guide our relationships.
8 Boundaries Stepparents Shouldn’t Cross
1. Trying to take the place of the mother or father. Whether the new marriage is a result of divorce or death, you can never take the place of the other biological parent and should not attempt to. “These children are not yours,” says Derek Randel, parenting expert and certified stepfamily coach through the Step-Family Foundation in New York City. “No matter what the biological ex-spouse has done, respect the child’s need to love that parent.” The same goes for requiring that the stepkids call you “Mom” or “Dad.” Don’t ever demand it or even ask for it.
Instead: Be clear with yourself and the stepchild about your role in the family. “A stepparent can become a loved, respected mentor to the child while realizing that he can’t reconstitute the biological family,” Randel says. Remember that a stepchild can develop feelings of love and respect for you without using the term “Mom” or “Dad.” And if the kids do decide, on their own, to use that term for you, demonstrate a quiet gratitude and a responsibility to live up to the label.
.. 3. Assuming a position of authority. Young children, under the age of 5 or 6, may be more willing accept a stepparent’s authority in the new family, but school-age children and teens will often rebuff a stepparent’s attempts at automatic authority.
Instead: “For new stepparents, it is best to proceed slowly–not as a disciplinarian, but as a supportive friend to the child and a supportive resource to your partner,” Dr. Pedro-Carroll suggests. You may have won the heart of your new spouse, but if he or she is a package deal with kids in tow, you’ll need to earn the love and respect of your new stepchildren too. Basic respect is a must, but you’ll need to put time and effort into the relationship with your stepchildren if you want more.
.. 4. Getting involved in parenting discussions between your partner and the ex. It can be tempting to weigh in on a parenting discussion between your spouse and his or her ex–but don’t. “The ex didn’t agree to coparent with you and will likely feel ganged up on if you give unsolicited advice,” explains Jenna Korf, a certified stepfamily foundation coach at Stepmomhelp.com and co-author of Skirts At War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict. “Exes who are still holding on to anger or hurt from the divorce can cause a world of pain for you and your spouse, so try to avoid inserting yourself into their discussions.”
Instead: Although stepparents can certainly provide their input into a parenting situation, this should be done privately with the spouse, not during the conversation with the ex. “Any decisions or information should then be shared with the ex by the biological parent,” Korf says. Make a concerted effort to build a positive relationship with your spouse’s ex so that your interactions and input can be well received.
.. 5. Getting involved in arguments between your stepchild and your spouse. “If you want to preserve your relationship with your stepchildren and partner, it’s best to let them work conflict out on their own,” Korf says. “Unless the stepparent and child are well bonded, the child will likely feel that the stepparent is butting into their business, and this can cause the child to feel resentful of their stepparent.” Even if you have the best intentions, Korf says, your interference can prevent your spouse and your stepchild from learning how to resolve problems on their own and can have a negative impact on your marriage. “For stepmoms, if you swoop in and try to fix everything for your husband, he may feel emasculated and view your action as a belief that you don’t think he can handle his own child. This will surely cause some tension in your marriage.”
Instead: Be your partner’s support system, Korf suggests, giving him feedback only if and when he asks for it. If he doesn’t come to you for help, then assume he’s got it covered.
.. 6. Ignoring or countering the wishes of the ex. If your stepchild’s mom has forbidden dyeing her hair, midriff-baring shirts, or dating before she’s 16, it’s not your place to override her wishes. “Realize that there are no ex-parents, just ex-spouses,” Randel says. Your new spouse may no longer be married to the ex, but the ex still gets a say in parenting their children.Instead: “Your spouse needs to coparent with the ex. The more helpful and understanding you are, the easier it will be for the entire family,” Randel says. If you have serious concerns about the stepchild’s health, wellness, or safety because of the ex-spouse’s rules, talk with your spouse about it. If you just don’t like the rules the ex-spouse has made for the child, step back and realize you don’t get to control everything.
.. 7. Bad-mouthing the ex. As tempting as this may be, talking poorly about the ex-spouse is always no-no–even if the stepkids are doing it. “It is important for a stepparent to listen with empathy and kindness but not put down the parent to the child or allow the child to hear negative comments about their parent,” Dr. Pedro-Carroll says. “After all, the child is 50 percent of that person, and they may experience negative comments as an attack on their very own DNA. Children can be damaged by exposure to ongoing conflict and repeated negative messages that put them in the middle of conflict.”
Instead: Be a sounding board if your spouse or stepchild needs to vent, but don’t contribute to the bad-mouthing. When possible, contribute to the quality of family life by helping to contain any conflict between your partner and their ex. “You can be a tremendous support to your partner and your stepchildren when you maintain some objectivity and do not enter into every conflict,” Dr. Pedro-Carroll says.
8. Pressuring your new partner to always put you first or seeing your stepchild’s need for one-on-one time with his parent as a threat to your marriage. Children often worry that a parent’s love for a new spouse will mean less love for the child. “This fear may cause children to behave with anger and resentment that seems unjustified,” Dr. Pedro-Carroll explains. If a stepparent does not understand the need for a child to have a deeply connected bond to his biological parent, problems in the family and the marriage can arise.
Instead: First, understand the importance of a strong parent-child relationship and have confidence that their relationship does not undermine your relationship with your spouse. A jealous attitude towards your stepchild will negatively affect your marriage. “Because parents have strong bonds with their own children, they instinctively protect them against harm,” Dr. Pedro-Carroll says. “Thus, hurt feelings or problems between a stepparent and stepchild can easily undermine a remarriage. Stepparents and stepchildren developing positive relationships is critical to the new family’s success.”