Cop really falsely accused someone because he got honked at, then rear ends them, Then strips their rights away, and causes a traumatic event. What a lovely display of justice
I love how he admitted he had seen someone doing somthing wrong and then stopped perusing the person speeding because his ego was hurt, these the kind of people we let “police”
OMG, he started off with a lie. Telling dispatch the driver slammed on his brakes in front of him. Did the lying ass trooper forget he’s being recorded. He needs to be fired immediately!!
Detainee: invokes his right to silence
Officer: “he wants to continue to yell at me!”
It so creepy how comfortable the officer seems while spinning this lie. Hes a professional at it. Sad that we have these dirty officers out there. When an officer lies like this they should be fired immediately.
This is why we must start looking at hiring practices of officers. As a therapist that deals with clinical psychology, there are many personalities that do not belong in the police department. I question that he is one of those people. He is about power, he had no qualms to lie immediately to get his way. This is a bad Officer. Police need to hire professional to deal with the psychology of hiring an officer, or this is what you get. Very sad and very dangerous.
“I’m just doing my job”
Obviously…this dude is the reason why people have a hard time trusting cops. I understand that traffic stops are the most dangerous for police officers, but this guy put people’s lives in danger.
When police officers do stuff like this I understand why some people are afraid of cops
It honestly terrifies me to think about what has been done in the past WITHOUT cameras recording.
I feel so bad for the chick in the car that has to sit through this officer’s bs and even more that shes is apologizing to him and even more that she should know to plead the 5th to not give the cop any ground in court
This makes my blood boil. The cop literally lied by saying “he’s still back there yelling and cursing” fucking unbelievable. I don’t think I could’ve remained so calm
This cop put people in danger over his ego, plain and simple. Departments really need to do better sociological evaluations. The fact this this guy carries a gun is scary.
“This guy was exercising his fourth amendment right to express his frustration at me so I had to put him in cuffs.”
“This is yet ANOTHER encounter where an officer attempted to criminalize behavior that their EGO could not tolerate”
Well said, and the amount of these i have watched where a cop’s ego is a major factor in the encounter is very disturbing.
We don’t just need the bad ones weeded out, but a better job done in the screening process to determine if people like this should be given the job in the first place.
Who knew these “brave” cops were so fragile and could be threatened by curse words. Pathetic.
When a retail employee is expected to have more emotional control while dealing with belligerent people than cops, there’s a problem.
This is exactly the kind of person that will end up wrongfully shooting someone and trying to blame it on them. He should be fired, sued and never allowed to carry a badge again. I support all good cops but this is not one of them. I’m very curious to see what happens with their lawsuit and I hope you will do an update about it.
This cop is a clown. Rips a guy out of his car and then says he needs to start acting like a human being. Constantly interrupts the wife to tell her she’s interrupting then says nothing.
This is soo sad that you still have cops that clearly just joined the force to be a bully .
“When he wants to calm down and act like a human being…” I will attack another person physically if my feelings are hurt and I’m trying to force them to accept my authority but they are the ones not acting like a human being!
This is a classic case of why cops having dash cams and body cams is so important. The video was able to provide proof the officer was lying. Also the victim got citations when he did nothing wrong. But honk of course. Not sure if there is a fine for honking at a police officer who makes an unsafe turn in front of you. I don’t think a police officer lying to fellow officers and on the police report to railroad a citizen who did nothing wrong but honk at him is the conduct of a good officer. I hope he can get his citations taken off his record, get his money back he had to pay. Also have this officer held accountable for his actions. If he is not held accountable and gets away with lying, then he will continue to do so. Future citizens will suffer as a result as well as making his fellow officers and police force look bad by association and for covering up for him.
Damn this cop is screwed even admitting on camera he arrested him for cussing. Biggest issue with police in the US is utter lack of knowledge. Honestly my AIT was 9 months in order to work on aircraft but in a few weeks time you can have a gun in order to enforce laws you have no knowledge of. I would require at least a BS in law in order to become a police officer. Think it would greatly reduce the criminal in blue aspects of so called law enforcement
For anyone who missed it, the second trooper asks Wingo “Are you hot?” to see if they are being recorded. He knew it looked bad and his primary concern was covering for another officer.
Just another example of “one bad apple spoiling the bunch”, or a “thin blue line” culture that protects criminals in uniform over law-abiding citizens?
The officer asking “Are you hot?” is a clear indication that their conversation would have gone ENTIRELY differently had there not been any recording devices active. This conduct is indicative of a blatant disregard for the truth in favor of using their power irresponsibly to fulfill personal agendas.
First off, I’m not a cop. The thing that most everyone seems to overlook is the fact that our US supreme court passed a law in 1974 that states that an officer of the law may lie to a perp in order to get the perp to admit to a crime and there will be no charges or anything at all brought against the police officer for lying. So essencially our supreme court has made every police officer in these United States a LIER!! The only thing that can be done is abolish that law and make all policemen accountable for their actions and make it against the law for them to ever lie to the “PERP”!! There will be no trust in our police force until this law is changed and enforced.
This cop needs to be fired and get sued for falsifying evidence to arrest veteran.
Abolish Qualified Immunity.
You can clearly see the cop hit the veteran.
“There’s no need for the 5th” is easily the slimiest shit a cop can ever say.
Cop who just hit there car: “I’m trying to get him to calm down he’s yelling at me for no reason”
Guy who’s relatively calm for someone who was just rear ended: “i want your name and badge number”
Can you imagine the amount of dirt that was swept under the rug when they didn’t wear cameras and didn’t have a camera phone in every pocket?
This cop is completely out of touch with reality. He says this dude needs to calm down and act like an adult human being. Meanwhile, this cop is a childish bully. Another dangerous mental reject with a badge.
He gets mad because someone honked at him, just imagine how mad he gets in other situations. Absolute egotistical controlling maniac.
I love how the coo keeps stating,”he want to keep yelling and cussing me out” all he said was “you f’ing hit my car” once and never swore after and didn’t even yell after that
Another police officer believes he can do anything to a citizen. We do not need these men in law enforcement.
Wow i can’t believe how blatantly he’s ling even though he knows the dash cam is rolling. Just imagine how they treat citizens when there is no video going. What a joke.
As a veteran, this idiot’s brush off of the wife telling him her husband had PTSD makes me want to send my whole VFW membership after him. This guy is a terrible cop 5x over, and anyone that wants to argue the other things he did were worse, I’d be willing to agree.. but man that pisses me off
It’s so disgusting how the law enforcement officers can lie so easily and think nothing of it. Thank God there is video evidence that spoke the truth of what really happened. And if this officer feels he has the right to pull someone out of the car like that handcuffed them and throw them in the back of the car because his feelings are hurt he needs retraining his feelings count for nothing it’s the law that counts for everything
The word of the year is “accountability”. The guy that got pulled over was holding his officer accountable right there on the spot and the officer didn’t want to hear it.
“He wants to continue to yell at me for no reason” – after he calmly asks for badge number and name – thank goodness for cameras – finally catching some of the BS that goes on out here
As an Arkansan, I can fully verify that this, as well as the many other videos of Arkansas law enforcement posted here, is exactly how Arkansas law enforcement acts on a daily basis. Sense of superiority, flagrant abuse of power, shaming citizens with whom they interact, rarely reprimanding their own. It’s systemic and deeply troubling.
This hits a nerve with me being I’m a fellow disabled combat veteran with PTSD. Mr Donner was super chill compared to what he could really do when actually upset I’m sure.
“you gonna let me talk or interrupt me the entire time?” after the wife explains his severe PTSD. this cop is appalling.
.. I would like to see how this story unravels. They definitely have a case if they pursue it properly.
It’s hard to seek justice when the same people who are suppose to exercise our faith in justice are actually the people destroying our trust in it.
When he said “until he can act like a human being” I almost threw up. This man had a full blown temper tantrum because he was gonna get in trouble for hitting someone’s car, and took it out on innocent people. This man has no place in civilized society
The only thing I can conclude is: These type of officers never had any “control” in their life. All seem to have mommy issues, rough relationships/no relationships, and get a “high” at work when they get to use their powers. Most of these people- look forward to coming into work. Sheesh. They all need help.
As someone who lives in a free country in Europe, I can’t imagine what it must be like to constantly live under this kind of corruption and tyranny. I hope one day Americans can become actually free, rather than the make believe freedom they live in now.
I use to support the police. However, when I realized that videos like these are uploaded more then once per day and lawsuits are filed daily as well. These lawsuits, if ending up in the victims favor, will not effect the officer one bit as it then becomes the responsibility of the tax payer.
Qualified immunity has got to go, until then law enforcement officials will feel like they can do anything they want.
In addition, being able to plunder people’s treasures during a highway robbery committed by police who simply only need say “this person, whom I know nothing about, shouldn’t have this much money or valuables, they are drug dealers even though I have zero evidence of this” has also gotta go and it’s embarrassing that I even have to say this.
This is insane to me. How does these officers get away with that stuff? I wonder what happened before cameras? Bc if they’d do this on camera? I’d hate to see what they’d do off camera
It’s amazing how many officers seem to take the sound of a car horn personally even when they block the road or drive recklessly. Road rage is not exactly what you want in a police interaction.
This state trooper has zero integrity and all his cases should be reexamined. Willing to blatantly lie on camera and to fellow officers is sickening.
The way the officer opened his door just because he cussed is an immediate sign that he has anger issues and a fragile ego. These people CANNOT be in law enforcement. This is the problem
The audacity he has to say “calm down and act like a human being”. Wow. Just wow. After he pounced on that man like he was some wild animal and wrestled him out of his car to put him in handcuffs and then throw him in the backseat.
What happens when the most important parts of your life come into conflict? When Evangelical Christian mom Susan Cottrell’s daughter came out, she faced an impossible choice: her LGBTQ child or her non-affirming church. In this heartwarming talk, Susan explains why she chose her LGBTQ child and how she fights for progress inside the Christian Church. Susan Cottrell is a prominent voice for faith parents of LGBTQI children. She is an international speaker, acclaimed author, and public theologian with a Masters in Theological Studies. After spending 25 years in the Evangelical church, she founded FreedHearts to champion the LGBTQI community and their families. She served as the Vice-President of PFLAG Austin (Texas) and was endorsed by The Human Rights Campaign and The Gay Christian Network. She has five children, two of whom are in the LGBTQI community, with her husband of 30 years, Rob. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.
Here are the 20 diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.
.. In order to resist gaslighting, it’s important to ground yourself in your own reality – sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gaslighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.
One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.
.. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.
For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.Narcissistic abusers love to play the “blameshifting game.”.. Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity.
.. 3. Nonsensical conversations from hell.
If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.
Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen to exist.
Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.
.. 4. Blanket statements and generalizations.
Malignant narcissists aren’t always intellectual masterminds – many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don’t acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives you’ve paid homage to.
5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.
.. Let’s say you bring up the fact that you’re unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” or “So I am a bad person, huh?” when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.
This is also a popular form of diversion and cognitive distortion that is known as “mind reading.” Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling. They chronically jump to conclusions based on their own triggers rather than stepping back to evaluate the situation mindfully.
.. Notorious for putting words in your mouth, they depict you as having an intention or outlandish viewpoint you didn’t possess. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic – even before you’ve gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior – and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.
.. Simply stating, “I never said that,” and walking away should the person continue to accuse you of doing or saying something you didn’t can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. So long as the toxic person can blameshift and digress from their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be “shamed” for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.
6. Nitpicking and moving the goal posts.
The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don’t want to help you improve, they just want to nitpick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as “moving the goalposts” in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.
.. The goal posts will perpetually change and may not even be related to each other; they don’t have any other point besides making you vie for the narcissist’s approval and validation.
.. By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instill in you a pervasive sense of unworthiness and of never feeling quite “enough.” By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyperfocus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead.
They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you’re going to have to meet – until eventually you’ve bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need – only to realize it didn’t change the horrific way they treated you.
.. their motive isn’t to better understand. It’s to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself. Validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don’t have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.
..7. Changing the subject to evade accountability.
This type of tactic is what I like to call the “What about me?” syndrome. It is a literal digression from the actual topic that works to redirect attention to a different issue altogether. Narcissists don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute discussions to benefit them. Complaining about their neglectful parenting? They’ll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like “What about the time when…”
.. A discussion about gay rights, for example, may be derailed quickly by someone who brings in another social justice issue just to distract people from the main argument.
.. that doesn’t mean that the issues that are being brought up don’t matter, it just means that the specific time and place may not be the best context to discuss them.
.. Don’t be derailed – if someone pulls a switcheroo on you, you can exercise what I call the “broken record” method and continue stating the facts without giving in to their distractions. Redirect their redirection by saying, “That’s not what I am talking about. Let’s stay focused on the real issue.” If they’re not interested, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive
.. 8. Covert and overt threats.
Narcissistic abusers and otherwise toxic people feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.
.. Rather than tackle disagreements or compromises maturely, they set out to divert you from your right to have your own identity and perspective by attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing or complying with their demands. To them, any challenge results in an ultimatum and “do this or I’ll do that” becomes their daily mantra.
If someone’s reaction to you setting boundaries or having a differing opinion from your own is to threaten you into submission, whether it’s a thinly veiled threat or an overt admission of what they plan to do, this is a red flag of someone who has a high degree of entitlement and has no plans of compromising. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.
Narcissists preemptively blow anything they perceive as a threat to their superiority out of proportion. In their world, only they can ever be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic injury that results in narcissistic rage. As Mark Goulston, M.D. asserts, narcissistic rage does not result from low self-esteem but rather a high sense of entitlement and false sense of superiority.
The lowest of the low resort to narcissistic rage in the form of name-calling when they can’t think of a better way to manipulate your opinion or micromanage your emotions. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.
Name-calling can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and insights. A well-researched perspective or informed opinion suddenly becomes “silly” or “idiotic” in the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened by it and cannot make a respectful, convincing rebuttal.
Rather than target your argument, they target you as a person and seek to undermine your credibility and intelligence in any way they possibly can. It’s important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that you won’t tolerate it. Don’t internalize it: realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in higher level methods.
10. Destructive conditioning.
Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. They may even isolate you from your friends and family and make you financially dependent upon them. Like Pavlov’s dogs, you’re essentially “trained” over time to become afraid of doing the very things that once made your life fulfilling.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and otherwise toxic people do this because they wish to divert attention back to themselves and how you’re going to please them. If there is anything outside of them that may threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be the center of attention at all times.
.. Narcissists are also naturally pathologically envious and don’t want anything to come in between them and their influence over you. Your happiness represents everything they feel they cannot have in their emotionally shallow lives. After all, if you learn that you can get validation, respect and love from other sources besides the toxic person, what’s to keep you from leaving them?
.. 11. Smear campaigns and stalking.
When toxic types can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you’re labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person.
They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly “expose” the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.
Some smear campaigns can even work to pit two people or two groups against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist often doesn’t know what’s being said about them during the relationship, but they eventually find out the falsehoods shortly after they’ve been discarded.
Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviors that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called “victims” of your abuse.
The best way to handle a smear campaign is to stay mindful of your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially pertinent for high-conflict divorces with narcissists who may use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible.
.. Your character and integrity will speak for itself when the narcissist’s false mask begins to slip.
.. 12. Love-bombing and devaluation.
Narcissistic abusers do this all the time – they devalue their exes to their new partners, and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the narcissist’s ex-partner. Ultimately what will happen is that you will also be on the receiving end of the same abuse. You will one day be the ex-partner they degrade to their new source of supply. You just don’t know it yet. That’s why it’s important to stay mindful of the love-bombing technique whenever you witness behavior that doesn’t align with the saccharine sweetness a narcissist subjects you to.
.. slowing things down with people you suspect may be toxic is an important way of combating the love-bombing technique. Be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.
.. 13. Preemptive defense.
When someone stresses the fact that they are a “nice guy” or girl, that you should “trust them” right away or emphasizes their credibility without any provocation from you whatsoever, be wary.
Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first building a solid foundation of trust. They may “perform” a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship to dupe you, only to unveil their false mask later on. When you see their false mask begins to slip periodically during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, the true self is revealed to be terrifyingly cold, callous and contemptuous.
.. Genuinely nice people rarely have to persistently show off their positive qualities – they exude their warmth more than they talk about it and they know that actions speak volumes more than mere words.
.. To counter a preemptive defense, reevaluate why a person may be emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you don’t trust them, or because they know you shouldn’t?
.. 14. Triangulation.
Bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested threat of another person into the dynamic of an interaction is known as “triangulation.” Often used to validate the toxic person’s abuse while invalidating the victim’s reactions to abuse, triangulation can also work to manufacture love triangles that leave you feeling unhinged and insecure.
Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members in order to evoke jealousy and uncertainty in you. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.
.. This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself – if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn’t that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.
.. To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation.
.. 15. Bait and feign innocence.
Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn’t know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down.
.. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds – and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you.
After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer.
- .. Provocative statements,
- hurtful accusations or
- unsupported generalizations, for example,
are common baiting tactics.
16. Boundary testing and hoovering.
Narcissists, sociopaths and otherwise toxic people continually try and test your boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations they’re able to commit without consequences, the more they’ll push the envelope.
That’s why survivors of emotional as well as physical abuse often experience even more severe incidents of abuse each and every time they go back to their abusers.
.. In the abuser’s sick mind, this boundary testing serves as a punishment for standing up to the abuse and also for being going back to it. When narcissists try to press the emotional reset button, reinforce your boundaries even more strongly rather than backtracking on them.
Remember – highly manipulative people don’t respond to empathy or compassion. They respond to consequences.
17. Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes.
Covert narcissists enjoy making malicious remarks at your expense. These are usually dressed up as “just jokes” so that they can get away with saying appalling things while still maintaining an innocent, cool demeanor. Yet any time you are outraged at an insensitive, harsh remark, you are accused of having no sense of humor. This is a tactic frequently used in verbal abuse.
The contemptuous smirk and sadistic gleam in their eyes gives it away, however – like a predator that plays with its food, a toxic person gains pleasure from hurting you and being able to get away with it. After all, it’s just a joke, right?
Wrong. It’s a way to gaslight you into thinking their abuse is a joke – a way to divert from their cruelty and onto your perceived sensitivity. It is important that when this happens, you stand up for yourself and make it clear that you won’t tolerate this type of behavior.
Calling out manipulative people on their covert put-downs may result in further gaslighting from the abuser but maintain your stance that their behavior is not okay and end the interaction immediately if you have to.
18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone.
Belittling and degrading a person is a toxic person’s forte and their tone of voice is only one tool in their toolbox. Sarcasm can be a fun mode of communication when both parties are engaged, but narcissists use it chronically as a way to manipulate you and degrade you. If you in any way react to it, you must be “too sensitive.”
Forget that the toxic person constantly has temper tantrums every time their big bad ego is faced with realistic feedback – the victim is the hypersensitive one, apparently.
.. So long as you’re treated like a child and constantly challenged for expressing yourself, you’ll start to develop a sense of hypervigilance about voicing your thoughts and opinions without reprimand. This self-censorship enables the abuser to put in less work in silencing you, because you begin to silence yourself.
“You should be ashamed of yourself” is a favorite saying of toxic people. Though it can be used by someone who is non-toxic, in the realm of the narcissist or sociopath, shaming is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that might challenge a toxic person’s power. It can also be used to destroy and whittle away at a victim’s self-esteem: if a victim dares to be proud of something, shaming the victim for that specific trait, quality or accomplishment can serve to diminish their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.
.. Malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths enjoy using your own wounds against you – so they will even shame you about any abuse or injustice you’ve suffered in your lifetime as a way to retraumatize you. Were you a childhood abuse survivor? A malignant narcissist or sociopath will claim that you must’ve done something to deserve it, or brag about their own happy childhood as a way to make you feel deficient and unworthy.
What better way to injure you, after all, than to pick at the original wound? As surgeons of madness, they seek to exacerbate wounds, not help heal them.
If you suspect you’re dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past traumas. Until they’ve proven their character to you, there is no point disclosing information that could be potentially used against you.
Most importantly, toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can. They isolate you, maintain control over your finances and social networks, and micromanage every facet of your life. Yet the most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions.
That’s why abusive narcissists and sociopaths manufacture situations of conflict out of thin air to keep you feeling off center and off balanced. That’s why they chronically engage in disagreements about irrelevant things and rage over perceived slights. That’s why they emotionally withdraw, only to re-idealize you once they start to lose control. That’s why they vacillate between their false self and their true self, so you never get a sense of psychological safety or certainty about who your partner truly is.
On the sixth floor of 30 Rock, women have long been portrayed as sexual conquests, victims or aggressors, live on Saturday nights. During the 1990s in particular, SNL excelled at celebrating male libido and a get-away-with-anything approach to sex, while reducing women to their sexual function. The show consistently cheered male sexuality and reinforced its boundlessness (consent be damned), while shaming women who reached for power or were unlucky enough to be publicly associated with sex.
The SNL writers’ room is famously collaborative, so it’s hard to know how many such bits Franken specifically wrote. But as a writer on 285 episodes from 1976 to 2008, he undoubtedly influenced the zeitgeist of the show during that era... Again, the laughs: Thomas’s sexual inadequacy is what’s supposed to be funny. SNL imagines that sexual harassment is hilarious and that unattractive women deserve it... One 1996 skit about O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark portrays her as an erotomaniac or “fatal attraction type” — a derogation hurled at women during the 1990s, including at Anita Hill and Monica Lewinsky, to discredit them and weaponize their sexuality. Clark, played by Nancy Walls, is less interested in the case’s outcome than forcing fellow prosecutor Christopher Darden to sleep with her, or “take the black bronco down the 405,” as the show put it. “The only thing I’m guilty of is being extremely horny,” Walls says. “Please remove your pants.”.. If SNL women weren’t sexual victims or erotomaniacs, they were not real women at all. Will Ferrell’s career was made in part by his “Janet Reno’s Dance Party” sketches, which rendered the first woman attorney general as a gangly man with an awkward deep voice, skirt and pearls... Ferrell said in an interview that he wouldn’t have played Reno the way he did if she were a “normal woman.” In other words, because Reno didn’t always fit neatly into the stereotypical roles SNL ascribed to women — sexually aggressive like Clark or sexually victimized like Hill — the country’s chief law enforcement officer became a fake woman, just Ferrell in drag... What’s clear, in truth, is that American comedy culture has used sexual abuse as fodder for too long... From Franken and Harvey Weinstein to Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly, women are reckoning with the painful reality that powerful men recently accused of sexual misconduct have long been the media and cultural gatekeepers in America.They’ve been the arbiter and the lens, determining what is newsworthy, what is socially acceptable and, in Franken’s case, what is funny... You can tell an awful lot about a society based on what it thinks is funny.
We’ve certainly seen it on the left. Google’s recent decision to fire an employee for wrongthink is all too indicative of a progressive political culture that’s not content merely to disagree with dissenters. People in error have to be called out, investigated, shamed, and punished. The deeper you move into the ideological cocoon, the less tolerance there is for debate.
.. Bloomberg’s Megan McArdle, a sharp thinker not prone to hyperbole, wrote yesterday decrying the rise of online mobs and Internet shaming. The goal of the mob isn’t to rebut bad arguments but to destroy careers and permanently ruin reputations. She said this:
I find myself in more and more conversations that sound as if we’re living in one of the later-stage Communist regimes. Not the ones that shot people, but the ones that discovered you didn’t need to shoot dissidents, as long as you could make them pariahs — no job, no apartment, no one willing to be seen talking to them in public.
.. And often the goal isn’t so much to win the argument as it is to hurt the other person, to deter them from ever speaking about politics again.
.. But I fear that our culture is less durable than our Constitution.
.. Indeed, our culture has failed our Constitution before, most recently through the malice and groupthink of the Jim Crow South. An entire region built a system from the ground up that stood in direct defiance of not just our nation’s Founding documents but also of the Civil War–era constitutional amendments that were designed to remake the land.
.. the law of group polarization applies. I’ve written about this concept before, but it can’t be emphasized enough. Essentially, the law holds that “in a striking empirical regularity, deliberation tends to move groups, and the individuals who compose them, toward a more extreme point in the direction indicated by their own predeliberation judgments.” Put more simply, when like-minded people gather, their views tend to grow more extreme. Absent moderating forces, they reinforce and amplify shared views.
.. Our nation thrives in the midst of disagreement. It withers, however, in the face of unrelenting cruelty, and I fear that for now, cruelty is winning the day.