There are the things the narcissist KNOWS they want and there are the things they SUBCONSCIOUSLY want.
What the narcissist KNOWS they want
- Elevation of their status – Being with someone bright, attractive, successful, wealthy, connected, funny, or talented makes them higher value than they feel on their own.
- Resources – They want access to financial or other resources they otherwise don’t have.
- Loyalty – They expect you to confirm their story when you know they’re lying, to eliminate relationships with friends and exes, to put them before everything.
- Respect for their Boundaries – They expect you to not look at their phone, their desk, their computer or anything else they don’t want you to see. They expect you to not talk when they are watching TV or not talk to others by phone when they’re home.
- Unconditional Trust – They expect you to not ask too many questions and to blindly believe their ridiculous stories.
- To Be Right Always – They sometimes even say it. “I’m right. Don’t you agree?” or “If only you were educated on this subject, you would agree with me.”
- To Win at Everything – Whether it’s closing a tough client or beating a 5-year-old grandson at Tic-Tac-Toe, they want to win at everything.
- Compliance – They expect you to not rock the boat, to shut up and do what you’re told, from cleaning to sex to not challenging their obvious lies.
- Power and Control – Much like winning, they want to be in control. A covert narcissist may want to make it look like you are in control, but they want to be the puppetmaster.
What the narcissist SUBCONSCIOUSLY wants
Regulation of their emotions – They are unable to regulate their own emotions. Their dysregulation results in plummeting self-esteem and an extraordinary amount of shame. They expect you to prevent this from every happening. And if they feel low self-esteem and shame, regardless of reason, it is your fault.
Narcissistic Supply – Like blood to a vampire, they require supply for survival. They will do anything to get it.
Attention – They want to be the center of attention, be it through success, a gorgeous date, the car everyone is talking about, self-deprecating stories, or having yet another talk about their hurtful behavior. Positive or negative doesn’t matter. Attention is attention.
Validation – They want confirmation that their thoughts, words, and actions are correct. They want your approval. They want to feel that they are okay.
Admiration and Praise – They want you to see them as unique, special, and a catch.
Confirmation of Their False Reality – They want you confirm this reality to them and to the world. This validates the false narrative they’ve crafted since childhood.
Above all else, the narcissist wants you to see them as the person they wish to be.
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