How can an INFJ improve their relationships with an INTJ?
To preface: My other half of two years is an INFJ, enneagram 2w3. I am an INTJ, enneagram 5w6. My thoughts/views may differ slightly if roles are reversed (which is probably more common). Overall we have a great relationship. We seldom have disagreements, and when we do, we both are focused on finding a solution. I grew up in a fairly toxic home (text book narcissistic family/childhood dynamic). My mother was a wonderful lady, despite being too forgiving (she was an ISFJ). I’ve spent 6 years in therapy bettering/learning about myself. He comes from a good family, with parents who’ve been married 40+ years. We both have secure attachment styles; however, I do have some slight avoidant tendencies (not sure if thats my INTJness or the residual effects of a toxic family I haven’t 100% shed). With all of that, your mileage may vary.
For starters, I’d say the number 1 thing you can do to improve your relationship is simply use direct communication. For example, a typical convo with my bf will look like this:
Him: “Do you want something to eat?”
Me: “No.”
Him: (pauses for a minute) ”Oh, I thought you might want something to eat…” (notice he doesn’t ask a question, but his vocal inflection and tone signifies and alludes to the fact that he IS asking the same question in a non-question format🧐)
Me: (because from the start of question 1, I know *he* really wants something to eat, but for some God-unknown reason can’t/won’t say it, I try to lead him) “No, I’m not hungry. But, if you’re hungry, I’ll gladly go with you to get something to eat.”
Him: (pauses) “Well, do *you* want to get something to eat?”
Me: (reiterates my previous comment) “No, I am not hungry. But, as I said, I will gladly go with *you* to get something to eat if you’re hungry.”
Him: (pauses) “okay. Where do you want to eat?”
Me: “I don’t care where we go as I’m not hungry. How about you choose something you’re hungry for.”
Him: …..(reluctantly will choose a place- may ask for my preference on options)
So, for my INFJs out there reading this, as a rule, INTJ’s say what they mean and mean what we say. His inability to communicate his needs perplexes me, but I try to be patient and role model friendly, direct communication. Overall INTJs really want to make our partners happy, but, we don’t like guessing. I know it may be slightly awkward, but we will appreciate it soooooo much if you just tell us what you need. Like. Please.
As for number 2, I would suggest working on your self confidence and/or ability to be more reassured in yourself for several reasons. As an INTJ, we usually have the mindset of ‘we know what we know, and we also know what we don’t’. ‘We know who we are, we know who we’re not.’ We’re not pretentious. We just “are.” But, my INFJ partner, he seems to be riddled with all of this doubt and anxiety about his worthiness. I don’t really understand it. My bf has a heart of gold. I love that about him. But, sometimes, I feel like his desire to be accepted and loved, overrides his authenticity. He often over schedules himself- bc, again, he CAN’T say no (I don’t necessarily think this is just an INFJ thing, as I know ENFJs are also prone to over scheduling). Often when this happens, we are late to the FEW activities/functions I desire to do with my friends/family. I know it’s not purposeful, but his inability to say no, creates an unnecessary demand on his time, which ultimately bleeds into my/our plans. The latter can really cause undo stress on your INTJ who’s so carefully thought out the plans. I try to remind him every time he says “yes”, he is saying “no” to something /someone else (including himself/myself). I also try to tell him that we are all unique and have our own gifts- that he can be the juiciest, ripest peach, and someone still isn’t going to like peaches. At the end of the day, I just want him to be genuine, bc that’s truly what I love, admire and respect the most.
Overall, as mentioned, we have a good relationship. He understand me better than any other bf I’ve had (or personality type). We balance one another in certain areas, but can also tend to have similar blind spots (which we have to be aware of). I think he admires my strength and ability to say no without cause or reason. I admire his pure heart. And, at the end of the day, I think that’s one of the reasons we work so well: we both feel “safe” and understood. He finds comfort in knowing I am fiercely protective and loyal to those whom I love and/or principles (which takes the pressure off of him), and I have someone who wants to hug and love the daylights out of me, and who truly wants to make me happy and meet my needs (something that INTJs struggle to recognize and/or admit).