4 Behaviors That Unmask the Hidden Narcissist
What I didn’t understand at the time and do now is that the narcissist shows his true colors in conflict.
.. Both of these authors take the position that the narcissist is, in fact, emotionally wounded, and that the behaviors he or she evinces are efforts to disguise or assuage the pain of that wounded self.
.. It’s in conflict—when even the healthiest among us becomes defensive and self-protective—that the narcissist reveals him or herself in fullness. His or her lack of empathy—the cornerstone of the narcissist—is fully exposed because when the narcissist feels threatened, winning or succeeding to protect him or herself is all that matters, not consequences. The shallow nature of their emotional connections—to you and to all others—is underscored by a narcissist’s focus and determination to win at any cost.
.. To borrow a term from the military, the narcissist’s policy is scorched earth, destroying everything and leaving nothing behind as he or she advances or withdraws —not a shred of connection or memory, respect for past connections or relationships, or the welfare of others involved in the conflict. The narcissist’s willingness to lie is nothing short of extraordinary and he or she will be completely unconcerned whether those lies are found out or not. It’s lack of empathy on steroids or, better put, aggrandized and entitled. The motto of the narcissist? “What you think of me is none of my business,” and he or she really means it.
.. many narcissists appear quite sympathetic because they like looking good in the eyes of others and, more important, they like reassuring themselves that they’re nice guys or gals. Empathy is another matter entirely.
.. You try talking to your partner about his dismissiveness and lack of connection and he responds by saying that he’s not dismissive but he’s just not willing to respond to your anger and constant complaints. The reality is that what you are saying is irritating the daylights of him—his jaw muscles are working and he’s on his way to being really frosted—but rather than own those feelings, he assigns them to you.
.. Because of his distorted, defensive relationship to reality, the Extreme Narcissist often believes the lies he tells, both to himself and other people. He doesn’t see himself as a liar but rather as an embittered defender of the ‘truth’ as he has come to see it.”