Transcript
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taxes essentially the government’s
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GoFundMe page now
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today is April 15th which means you have
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just 45 minutes to file your taxes
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except relax don’t panic because thanks
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to the weekend and a holiday the
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deadline is actually April 17th
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this year except don’t relax do panic
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that’s still not enough time to do it
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right you’re fucked you’re absolutely
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fucked and you’re going to jail Anthony
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many people are perplexed and mystified
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by our tax system perhaps best
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exemplified by this Instagram video from
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cardi B you know that government is
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taking 40 percent of my taxes and Uncle
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Sam I want to know what you’re doing
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with my fucking tax money but why does
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y’all niggas doing with my fucking money
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what is your with my fucking money I
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want to know I want receipts I wants
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everything I wanna go to my cousin
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weenie
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[Applause]
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whoa whoa cardi if you really want to
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know where your money’s going may I
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present to you the recently passed
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omnibus spending package
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[Applause]
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because it turns out cardi your fucking
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money goes to your fucking military your
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fucking health care and your fucking
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Social Security and veteran and
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unemployment benefits everything else is
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just on fucking discretionary shit and
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of course interest now as you may recall
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late last year Republicans passed and
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Donald Trump signed a tax reform bill
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and in selling it Trump made some clear
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promises about who stood to benefit our
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focus is on helping the folks who work
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in the mail rooms and the machine shops
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of America the plumbers the carpenters
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the cops the teachers the truck drivers
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the pipe fitters the people that like me
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best well that that is clearly nonsense
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because if this bill were really helping
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the people that like Donald Trump best
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it would exclusively benefit
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Eric Trump Roseanne Barr and anyone
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who’s ever looked both ways before
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whispering it was the choose and the
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truth is for all chumps talk of pipe
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fitters the biggest tax rate cuts by far
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actually goes to businesses with the top
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federal corporate tax rate the tax on a
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company’s profits going from thirty five
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percent to just twenty one percent and
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to be fair many policymakers on both
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sides had argued at the 35 percent
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federal rate among the highest in the
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world
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should actually come down but to be even
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fairer most companies didn’t pay thirty
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five percent in fact before the bill was
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signed to the effective rate the amount
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companies actually paid was closer to
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twenty four percent and some large
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companies have historically paid far
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less than that
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you may remember a few years ago people
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were furious about this ge had profits
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of fourteen point two billion dollars in
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2010 five billion dollars of that made
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in the United States but the company’s
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expected US tax bill a grand total of
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zero dollars okay so when the total is
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zero you can’t call it a grand total
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there is literally no total less grand
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except maybe total cereal and that’s
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just because it tastes like your spoon
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somehow missed the cereal and now you’re
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just eating the box that it came in
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and GE may well say we’ll hold on that’s
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just one year but a recent study found
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that between 2008 and 2015 18 large
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profitable companies including General
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Electric paid no federal income tax at
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all over the entire period not at all
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and that is a staggering total which is
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incidentally what they used to call
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total with raisins until they got more
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honest who changed it to total with
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raises but who gives a shit
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so tonight in honor of upcoming tax day
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we thought we’d give you just a glimpse
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of the lengths that companies will go to
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to legally avoid taxes both here and
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abroad
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now corporate tax avoidance has a long
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and infuriatingly proud history in the
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1980s for instance a lawyer named John
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Carroll jr. came up with a tactic to
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move US companies offshore to avoid
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taxes and his firm celebrated him with
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and this is true a 13-minute operator
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staged in his New York apartment and
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I’ll give you just a very small taste
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[Music]
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Wow
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we may have just found the only musical
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resistant to race blind casting you
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can’t go Hamilton on this one because
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those people really have to be white now
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now that the tax dodge being celebrated
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they’re involved taking an American
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company and headquarter in it in Panama
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where taxes were lower something its
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creator called the Panama scoot which
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sounds like the name of a tiny elf in a
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cowboy hat
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my name’s Panama scoot and I sleep in
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your boots and offshore scooting is
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actually something of a common theme in
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corporate tax avoidance for decades
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companies have hunted for ways to get
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their money to friendlier tax havens
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like the Cayman Islands you may remember
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that during the 2012 election it emerged
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that Mitt Romney had money in the in
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companies in the Caymans which led to
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this magnificent clip of John Stossel
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saying the one thing he probably
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shouldn’t be saying to the person he’s
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speaking to but Romney pays taxes and
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all the money earned from the cayman
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entities i would think it would be like
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pirate heaven some pirates can’t say the
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word pirates
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to a guy with an eyepatch it can’t it’s
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not fair
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it’s like me sitting down across from
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you and calling you bootleg Geraldo yes
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yes it’s obvious but it’s also lazy and
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hurtful that’s an indoor thought and tax
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havens have become magnets to
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corporations who try and shift as much
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of their profits there as possible it’s
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a major reason why in 2016
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nearly two-thirds of the profits made by
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American multinationals outside the US
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were booked in just six low or zero tax
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countries and it’s a lot easier to move
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profits offshore than you might think an
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increasingly popular way particularly
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pharmaceutical and high-tech companies
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like Google avoid paying the 35% is to
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shift their patents computer code pill
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formulas even logos from their US bases
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to their outposts in low tax countries
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today
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a company can move automatically all of
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its assets just on paper you can push a
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button and move your algorithms you know
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could take the recipe out of the vault
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yeah put it in a Swiss Fault and then
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and then it’s Swiss yep coke could put
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that recipe in a Swiss vault and their
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profits would move offshore that is very
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roughly how it works although for the
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record just being in a Swiss vault
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doesn’t automatically make something
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Swiss that’s why we don’t call this
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Swiss gold we call it Nazi gold
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those are Hitler bucks your Swiss fucks
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and this this happens all the time
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and the best innovators in weasely
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accounting have arguably been tech
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companies look at Apple for years
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they’ve been deferring paying US taxes
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on foreign profits by stashing the money
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overseas and not bringing it back so
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much so that at the end of last year
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they had 269 billion dollars parked
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overseas and when their CEO Tim Cook
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appeared in front of Congress a few
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years back he was very defensive about
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that
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we pay all the taxes we owe every single
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dollar we don’t move intellectual
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property offshore and use it to sell our
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products back to the United States to
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avoid taxes we don’t stash money on some
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Caribbean island now he was technically
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correct there because Apple didn’t stash
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their money on a Caribbean island they
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did however have it stashed on this
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island Ireland which is it is true not
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in the Caribbean so one word made a lot
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of difference there it’s like if
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somebody said the one thing I can
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promise you is that this refrigerator is
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absolutely not
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full of severed Caribbean heads maybe
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that is technically true but I’m still
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going to pass on a sparkling water and
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when Ireland indicated that it planned
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to change its tax laws Apple found a new
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shelter for profits on this island the
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Isle of Jersey a tax haven in the
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English Channel which is again not
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technically in the Caribbean although
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when you really look at it you could
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almost mistake it for the Caribbean if
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you squint a little drink 9 points of
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beer and hold a picture of the Caribbean
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in front of us
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meanwhile Google used a slightly
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different tax workaround sending its
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money on something of a world tour
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Google license some of the intellectual
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property it created here in the US to a
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subsidiary in Ireland but it turns out
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Google’s overseas profits don’t even get
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taxed there because Google then
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reportedly funnels those profits through
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the Netherlands and then to of all
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places Bermuda where the corporate tax
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rate is zero now that tax trick actually
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has a name it’s called the double Irish
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with a dutch sandwich it sounds like a
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disgusting sex act or an even more
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disgusting Waffle House menu item it’s
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it’s when someone opens up a baked
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potato farce in it and closes it again
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really quick that’s one of it that
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that’s that is exactly what it is and
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when Google CFO was asked about their
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tax policies at a conference his answer
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nearly got him laughed off the stage we
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pay our taxes in every jurisdiction to
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the full extent that the law allows us
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and that’s what we do we pay every penny
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of tax we owe to everybody everywhere ok
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the reaction to the sentence I pay all
my taxes should never be incredulous
laughter unless you are a very wealthy
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dog who’s just spoken for the first time
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and here is where I have some good news
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and some bad news the good news is that
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Trump’s tax bill actually forces
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companies to pay taxes on all the money
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they’ve stashed overseas the hope is
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that they’ll then bring it home in
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something called repatriation the bad
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news is the tax they’re being forced to
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pay which may have once been 35%
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remember has been slashed to as little
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as eight to 15% which seems less like a
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punishment and a lot more like actively
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rewarding companies for tax avoidance
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but Steve minuchin
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Treasury secretary an objectively
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good-looking man argues that this would
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be a huge benefit to America’s workers
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we will have a one-time tax on overseas
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profits which will bring back trillions
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of dollars that are offshore to be
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invested here in the United States to
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purchase capital and to create jobs now
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I know it was hard to pay attention to
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what he was saying because you were just
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automatically undressing
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to go with your eyes and you do it
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whenever he opens his mouth I’m all
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right I’m definitely right the guy’s a
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California ten
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he’s a smoke show but but what he’s
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saying there is giving these companies a
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break on the taxes they owe is worth it
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because it will lead to job creation and
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that is hard to completely disprove
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because anything theoretically could
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lead to jobs you can say I’m dipping
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this badger in fudge to create jobs and
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I can’t prove that you won’t create any
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jobs by doing that but I would argue
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that if creating jobs is your main goal
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there are probably better ways to do it
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now luckily we actually have the benefit
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of a test case here because in 2004 we
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basically did the exact same thing under
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the American Jobs Creation Act it
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offered a one-year tax holiday where
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companies could bring back overseas
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profits and just a five percent tax
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rates the idea was that they would then
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create jobs but when the Senate looked
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at the employment numbers of the 15
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companies that brought back the most
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money this is what they found
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these are the average numbers of US jobs
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at those companies over a five year span
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here is where the big supposedly
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job-creating tax holiday kicked in and
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that is pretty fucking underwhelming I
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would argue that’s the most useless
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ineffective holiday since Arbor Day and
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I’m sorry Arbor Day but your secretaries
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day for trees and we all need to accept
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that in fact instead of hiring workers
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across the board companies mostly
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rewarded their shareholders using 94
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cents out of every dollar they brought
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home on stock buybacks and dividends
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something you can read about in the
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best-selling book yeah no fucking shit
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they did that by acclaimed author
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everyone who knows anything about
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corporations and look for many of those
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companies that may have been the best
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use of their money there is no point in
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hiring people that you don’t need
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but the Trump administration is fiercely
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insisting that this time their tax
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holiday is already creating jobs and
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some companies have seemed happy to pay
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along play-along Apple put out a press
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release not long after the tax bill was
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signed titled Apple accelerates US
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investment and job creation bragging
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they were about to create over 20,000
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new jobs and Trump was quick to take
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credit President Trump tweeting in
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response quote I promised that my
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policies would allow companies like
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Apple to bring mass
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of amounts of money back to the United
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States great to see Apple follow through
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as a result of tax cuts all caps okay
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first that is a solid read from Jake
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Tapper there in fact I think all anchors
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should be forced to shout whenever Trump
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uses all caps in tweets I’ll show you
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this morning the president announced
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that he was quote heading to see the
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border wall prototypes in California or
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today today the president wished all
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Americans are happy Easter but but for
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all the Trump’s excitement those 20,000
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Apple jobs were probably going to happen
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anyway given that the hole was entirely
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consistent with what Apple was doing in
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the United States before the tax cut
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bill passed and Tim Cook knows this this
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is how he responded when asked just how
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much of his hiring spree was down to
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Trump’s new tax plan there are large
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parts of this that a result of the tax
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reform and there’s large parts of this
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that we would have done in in any
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situation and so I haven’t spent a lot
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of time in categorizing those two
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because to me this is about America it’s
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not about which bucket you put things in
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yeah but actually it does matter which
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bucket you put things in because I would
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rather put things in a bucket labeled
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smart economic policy than one labeled
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put money in here I like money thanks
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dummies Tim Cook and look look there are
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legitimate debates over how and how much
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we should tax corporate profits but we
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just had a huge chance to reform our tax
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code and we absolutely blew it because
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effective tax reform is not just about
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lowering rates
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it’s about closing loopholes for
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instance one reasonable idea raised last
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year was forcing companies to pay a
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minimum tax in every single country they
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operate in it’s a bit complicated but
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that may well have reduced their abuse
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of tax havens but that proposal never
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even got out of committee so the result
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here is that our tax code is still full
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of loopholes and however much Trump
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talked about how tax reform would
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benefit cops and pipefitters
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it’s worth knowing that once he got
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behind closed doors his message seemed
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to change
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we’re told the president is still
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celebrating passage of the Republican
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tax cut bill sources with firsthand
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which tells CBS News that he told a
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group of wealthy people at his exclusive
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mar-a-lago estate quote you all just got
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a lot richer that’s right so on Tuesday
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as you scrape together your taxes and
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like cardi B wonder what Uncle Sam is
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doing with your motherfucking money rest
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assured that Donald Trump’s tax reform
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continues to let companies engage in
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sophisticated tax avoidance schemes and
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to those companies I say this on behalf
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of America please enjoy this double
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Irish with a Dutch sandwich I made it bu
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myself eat it while it’s hot
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[Applause]
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you