Recalling the provocation that came midway through a routine traffic stop, Danville police officer Dylan Hayden told reporters Thursday that driver Donald Watkins’ decision to frustratedly point his finger at him was just the green light he needed. “Legally, I’m not allowed to touch the motorist after pulling him over, but when he extended his index finger directly toward me, I knew that gave me the go-ahead right there to take whatever action I deemed necessary,” said Hayden, adding that as soon as he noticed the conceivably threatening hand gesture, he had full authority to skip right ahead to exerting force. “Frankly, I probably would’ve had the okay to rock and roll after he cursed under his breath, but I wanted to be absolutely certain that I was in the clear. Once he pointed his finger at my chest from inside his vehicle, I knew I’d be covered no matter what happened next. He really left the door wide open for me with that one.” Hayden expressed confidence that there was probably someone wanted for robbery who looks similar enough to Watkins to legally justify pulling him over in the first place.
WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration’s leading advisor on the viral pandemic, Jared Kushner announced Friday that doctors HATE him after he discovered one weird trick that will CURE coronavirus. “Doctors DON’T want you to know this, but you can DESTROY coronavirus FROM HOME in under 24 hours with this one simple method!!!!” read Kushner’s statement in part, advising all U.S. citizens to visit the website www.KushCures.gov NOW to experience the 100% effective coronavirus CURE discovered by a DAD. “My quick and easy coronavirus solution is helping families everywhere! To learn more, send $100 to the CDC to Find Out Now why Doctors HATE it but Moms LOVE it! Medical experts everywhere were STUMPED by the coronavirus, and they IGNORED me just because I didn’t have a doctor license, but they just don’t want you to know about this AMAZING LIFE HACK that will ensure you never have to visit your hospital for coronavirus—ever again! Plus, not only is my 30-second MIRACLE CURE completely effective at ERADICATING coronavirus, it will also help you Lose Up To 5 Pounds Of Belly Fat—and KEEP IT OFF!!!” Kushner’s official press release reportedly concluded with an exclusive limited-time offer to buy an iPad from the government for under $24.
The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video. “We’ve spent days cutting down our video to feature only the most inflammatory anti-Muslim statements that will attract new soldiers of jihad, but it’s still over 40 minutes—no one’s gonna sit through something that long,”
DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances. “Just by combining a couple trivial irritations with a few petty nuisances, Mark’s able to construct a really shitty mood—in fact, he does it all the time,” said Daniels’ colleague Rachel Smith, adding that she once observed the enterprising 36-year-old hastily throw together news that the office coffee machine was broken along with the slight aggravation of a restaurant forgetting to include ketchup packets in his lunch order to create a week-long funk. “He’s just so inventive in how he takes such miniscule inconveniences and incorporates them in ingenious ways to build an awful fucking attitude.