Here are 12 things parents and stepparents should not do when blending families.Being impatient
Most people go into a blended family situation desperately wanting to make it work. They’ve previously suffered from a relationship loss, either by divorce or death, and don’t go easily into a new alliance, especially because childrentheirs, the new spouse’s, or bothare involved. But regardless of how hard they struggle with major issues, the men and women who have created and lived in blended families say it often is the little things that trip you up and lead to the big fallout.
- Being impatient
Biological families are created slowly, with the couple having time to get used to themselves as a unit and each other’s extended family before a child comes into the fold. In a blended family, however, two thirds of the family exists before the newcomer is admitted. The children have finally gotten used to being with one parent at a time since the divorce and don’t welcome yet another change.
Suddenly, the new spouse and addition to the family pops up on the scene. It’s like suddenly being the new boy or girl in the classroom or on the team. Everyone else knows the rules and group history but you. Too often the biological parent pushes the new spouse onto a fast track, expecting that the children will automatically fall in love with the stepparent just because he or she did. Just like two positive (or negative) fields of a magnet held together, the kids are repelled to the opposite direction immediately.
Sometimes it is the new stepparent who wants to “prove” that he or she is going to be a great addition to the family. The stepparent tries too hard for affection and approval, and by doing so, inadvertently pushes the kids away because they feel resentful and guilty about this person who is trying to supplant their mom or dad. The harder the stepparent tries to win the kids over, the more they resist. It’s frustrating for the adult who only wants to reach out to the loved one’s kids.
Remember to keep doing those things you did when you were dating their parent, such as bringing little gifts from time to time, occasionally slipping teens some gas money, or arranging some special time alone with the stepkids. Be patient. Love grows slowly, and it doesn’t seem to matter if the stepchild is two or twenty.
“I was twenty-two when my mother remarried,” a professional woman said. “My father had died a year ago. His two sons came to live with us too. I terribly resented them all coming into our home. It was ten years into their marriage before I finally accepted it.
It wasn’t until I was well into my thirties that I realized how much I really liked him and how good he had been to all of us. It made me sad to realize how much time and friendship I had wasted.”
When I asked her what her stepfather could have done differently, she answered:
“I wasn’t very nice to my mother and he tried to protect her. I think it made things worse. He shouldn’t have tried to take sides and gotten into the middle of things. He should have encouraged my mother and me to work things out without his involvement.”
How and Why to Take the Parent out of Stepparenting
What happens when the child actually INVITES you into their lives as a parent? I’m not just talking about the occasional request to hear what your view is. This is an implicit request that looks like this:
–Will you be my parent?
–Of course, you are my parent.
My experience in my own stepfamily and in the lives of my clients in remarriage is that, while not intentionally so on the child’s part, this is a big time set up.
Never assume because your stepchild asks your opinion about something that this means he/she has invited you in to the world of parenting. Tread very lightly.
Also remember, the choice is ultimately YOURS. An invitation is just that–and it can be respectfully declined.
Shortly after telling me she wanted me to be one of her parents, she declared that she wanted “belly piercing”. She was 15 years old by this time, and if she were my daughter, it would be an adamant no (I’d already been through this with my own daughters at that age).
Her mom and dad were fine with it, it seems. This is when I told her the difference between a parent and an ally. Her parents thought body piercing was ok. I didn’t. And there is no way I was going to walk onto that minefield!
Their daughter–their decision.
.. 1. Don’t parent.2. Don’t try to be their friend; be an ally.3. Do try to see them, hear them, and be an adult they can come to value and respect.
4. Always model an environment of kindness and respect.
5. Keep your personal boundaries intact.
6. If you are invited to be a parent, think long and hard before you agree to it. Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what you are comfortable with and what you are not.
Why Stepparenting Can Be Harder Than Parenting
The relationship between stepparent and stepchild will take years to develop and forcing it may actually delay things, or prevent it from ever happening, as negative feelings and resentments build... challenges that make it exhausting, and sometimes impossible, to “parent” another’s child, especially early on in the relationship... there are some very good reasons why it’s often harder to stepparent than it is to parent.
- Children are more forgiving of a parent than a stepparent. Parents might learn as they go as too, especially first-time parents, but the cost is less. There may already be so many negative emotions around having a stepparent, that one wrong move might cause the child to hold a grudge, making it impossible to ever get close to him. Stepparents often live in fear of misstepping, especially when they don’t know what that might be until it’s too late.
- A parent has a higher level of tolerance for their own child than the stepparent has. The stepparent didn’t go through nine months of carrying the baby in their womb. They (usually) didn’t have those very precious first few years with the child where they bonded. The child is not an extension of the stepparent. It’s just natural to have more patience for something that’s yours, than something that isn’t. The mess, the noise, the tantrums, the stress — I don’t believe any parent loves these things, but they tolerate it because, well, that child is theirs. Something happened when that baby was born that gave them unlimited ability to put up with anything and everything the child throws at them. Even when they do need a break or get angry, their love for that child never wavers and they’re ready to get back in the saddle in record time. Most stepparents don’t have this super power and it can often take a long time to trust the child again or have positive feelings towards them.
- A parent has a higher level of tolerance for their own child than the stepparent has. The stepparent didn’t go through nine months of carrying the baby in their womb. They (usually) didn’t have those very precious first few years with the child where they bonded. The child is not an extension of the stepparent. It’s just natural to have more patience for something that’s yours, than something that isn’t. The mess, the noise, the tantrums, the stress — I don’t believe any parent loves these things, but they tolerate it because, well, that child is theirs. Something happened when that baby was born that gave them unlimited ability to put up with anything and everything the child throws at them. Even when they do need a break or get angry, their love for that child never wavers and they’re ready to get back in the saddle in record time. Most stepparents don’t have this super power and it can often take a long time to trust the child again or have positive feelings towards them.
- Children naturally want to please their parents, not so with stepparents. Children don’t look for the approval of their stepparent the way they do their parent. There’s not a natural sense of wanting to be accepted by them. Don’t get me wrong, we all want to be liked, but what I’m referring to is happening on a much deeper level. In fact, sometimes they want to make things as difficult as possible for them, hoping on some level that maybe they’ll just leave and the child can have their parent all to themselves again.
- A parent has unconditional love for their child, whereas a stepchild can feel like a foreign entity to a stepparent. People love to judge a stepmom who doesn’t automatically fall in love with her stepchild. But the reality is these are basically two strangers who didn’t choose each other, now finding themselves part of the same family. Since it can take years for a stepfamily to feel and function like a family, so those first years are an adjustment, to say the least, for everyone. A child doesn’t automatically think of their stepparent as a parent – or of any importance to them at all. That bond will take years to develop. And sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
- There might be an unhappy ex in the mix, discouraging the kids from having a relationship with the stepparent. When a parent places a child in a loyalty bind, the child thinks “If I like my stepparent or have fun with her, it will hurt my mom.” Therefore the child may resist a relationship with their stepparent, or even worse, start acting out against her. Research shows that the more a child actually likes their stepparent, the worse he may act towards her. The guilt he feels may be too overwhelming, as he thinks he’s betraying his other parent.
12 Things No One Tells You About Being A Stepparent
1. “No one tell you that being a stepparent will put your self-esteem to the ultimate test. The kids ignore you, no matter how nice you are to them. The majority of decisions in your life are being dictated by an ex-spouse and society automatically thinks of you as a home wrecker (even though you met your spouse years after his separation) — how could the situation not mess with your self-esteem? Without a strong sense of self, your insecurities will have you doubting your every move.” —Jenna Korf, certified stepfamily coach
2. “No one tells you just how much the ex can affect your relationship and the new family by what he or she does or doesn’t do.” — Nicholas Golden
3. “No one tells you parenting isn’t instinctive. I thought my maternal instincts would be an innate response to having stepkids. Nope. It was fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants parenting.” — Janelle Dexheimer
4. “No one tells you how hard it is to balance the demands of your role. You are a safe place for your stepchild to open up about feelings they have and can’t talk to their own parents about. At first, I was excited and felt like, ‘Yes, they finally trust me!’ But then you find out this can be a huge negative: Do I try and be the cool parent and handle it on my own and keep what they say to me in confidence knowing that their dad or mom should know about it? If I tell the kids’ dad or mom, then they will feel as though I betrayed them and their trust. It’s a tough situation!” — Kerri Mingoia
5. No one tells you that the moment the kids include you or go to you instead of their parent will be the greatest feeling in the world. It’sas if you’ve finally been initiated into a secret society.” — Jenna Korf, pictured below
.. 7. “No one tells you that it doesn’t seem to matter how long their parents have been apart, the kids will still blame you for the fact that their parents are not together.” — Angela Robbins
8. “No one tells you that all your stepchildren really needs is a friend, not a replacement parent. More importantly, an adult they can trust but who doesn’t project needs onto them.” — Bleakney Ray
.. 11. “No one tells you that your relationship with your partner must come first. One of the biggest mistakes stepcouples make is putting the needs of their relationship last. A stepfamily can’t survive without a strong, connected couple steering the ship. Prioritizing your relationship isn’t done at the expense of the kids; it’s done for them.” — Brenda Ockun12. “No one tells you how nice it is to realize your stepkids love you for just being you. Not because you gave birth to them, just because you are you!” — Kerri Mingoia, whose letter from her stepson is pictured below