Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You But Kind To Everyone Else

Rough Transcript

welcome to thriver TV the place to break
free from narcissistic abuse with
quantum tools and understandings so this
week’s thriver TV show is an important
one because narcissists are very very
good at making people like them most of
them are very high-functioning and
they’re brilliant at appearing normal
cordial and decent and this can spell
disaster for anyone else when their view
starts and people look at you like
you’ve got two heads when you’re trying
to explain it to them and people outside
of your relationship say that he’s such
a good guy and you can see them thinking
why is she so ungrateful and of course
his is not gender-specific
many people outside of the family home
love the narcissistic woman because
she’s so accommodating hospitable and
charming and she’s always there to help
anyone in need plus she’s a marvelous
hostess usually so how can they believe
you when you are bearing the brunt of
narcissistic torment behind closed doors
and I know that you might feel so alone
and powerless in regard to how the
narcissist is hoodwinking
everyone else and no one but you sees
the truth but I promise you just as I
did there is a way to heal all of this
and then be validated and supported by
life and people beyond measure and this
all comes about as a result of how
you’re able to turn this around inside
yourself for yourself first but before
we do this the trauma of the street
angel home devil persona at the
narcissist is intense for people being
abused because not only do you feel
isolated and misunderstood you also
seriously start to doubt yourself and of
course you’re going to question whether
it is you in fact who is the cause of
all the problems
and you may even start to feel like I
must be imagining it and am I losing my
mind
yet we are certainly experiencing abuse
and trauma at levels we thought we would
never go through which leaves us anxious
traumatized and intensely depressed and
struggling to function in everyday life
so how do we get people to see what is
happening to us the truth is for awhile
we don’t how do we get people to realize
who the narcissist is we can’t because
by trying to do this well we will in
fact only incriminate ourselves with
people further which by the way is vital
to understand if you’re trying to warn
your kids you’ll get your kids to
understand who the other parent is how
do we get people to support us and help
us heal we can’t and we don’t and rather
than think this makes it all hopeless
and you totally helpless it is in fact
the exact opposite and I want you to
realize that all of this is imperfect in
divine order and as I go through this
deep dive into this topic with you
you’ll understand why so I wanted first
of all talk about how and why the
narcissist is such a great actor and
then as always which is what I do I want
to bring the power and a healing back
squarely to ourselves the NASA’s earth
is a false self which means that he or
she is a consummate actor a charade
being whoever is required at the time to
get narcissistic supply in the most
efficient and effective way I’m from a
very early age narcissus know that to
get attention and stuff which means
resources time accolades contacts well
sex whatever it is that’s required to
fill the deep black hole inside them
which no matter what it gets will never
feel durably hole or at peace they know
that people need to like and
them and it’s all to do with payoff it’s
all to do with agenda it has nothing to
do with true unconditional giving which
is this I give for the sake of giving
and at the true quantum level giving is
this by giving to another I’m actually
giving to myself because we are all one
and that’s why it feels so genuinely
good to do this because at the quantum
level we are giving to ourselves however
many people don’t operate at this level
and many people may do favors and glue
gestures to create a favor Bank with
others yet narcissus take it a step
further they do it to get attention
acclaim compliment accolades budget for
narcissistic supply they do it so that
they can emotionally survive because
getting energy from the outside is so
much better than the energy that they
are experiencing on the inside because
that energy is self annihilating it’s
full of the terrible devastating
emotions of shame and being defective
and unacceptable and attention from the
outside which has to come through people
is required as a temporary ongoing
always necessary buffer to offset the
narcissist in a being which is
constantly threatening to eat them alive
and this is why you may be horrified to
realize that the narcissist is so much
more interested in being wonderful to
all and sundry than granting their own
children and family decency let alone
devotion service and care the reason
being there isn’t enough narcissistic
supply from being able to be extracted
from giving to one’s family it’s
generally expected that a father mother
husband a wife or a partner will be
caring responsible and contributes to
his or her loved ones and isn’t going to
get a red carpet rolled out complete
with a fanfare every time they do
something for somebody else
in fact healthy people get great joy
from giving to their family
I’m making the people they love feel
supported and special but a narcissist
simply isn’t wired that way and you may
be horrified as to how childish and
entitled and demanding they are when
they demand your recognition for
something that you’ve done way past
desiring your healthy gratitude and of
course it’s nice to say thank you within
the family and be grateful but the
narcissist want your accolades sorry he
or she wants accolades and power and
your total acknowledgment without of
course acknowledging any of the things
that you do the bottom line is there is
nowhere near enough narcissistic supply
involved to the narcissist to engage for
real in Family Contribution
he or she will at times pull out all
stops for an agenda within the family
and all of a sudden be that caring
giving wonderful person but it’s not
real and it doesn’t last these times are
only when hoovering such as we hooking
with the spouse when he or she attempts
to leave the narcissist or will be for
another agenda the bottom line is the
narcissist must exert energy for payoff
it’s a delicate balance between energy
expended in order to receive the
narcissistic drug narcissistic supply if
a narcissist gets cornered to do things
for the family and can’t get out into
the world to hunt more appropriate
narcissistic supply the narcissist is
precariously and dangerously pulled
inwards to his or her self annihilating
inner being and will become low on
supply depressed manic and seething then
he or she will need to get narcissistic
supply another way and this is when the
people closest to the narcissist who try
to make narcissus behave like a normal
person someone who does give contribute
comply and be a part of a team will then
be lined up and batted mercilessly
now the narcissus has swish switched
from hunting positive supply to striking
out the negative narcissistic supply
it’s not about the accolades adoration
and acclaim now it’s about getting the
feed of I am powerful and valid because
I can affect you this severely it makes
the narcissist feel significant and even
omnipotent the narcissist also
temporarily feels vindicated because he
or she has punished you for threatening
their very emotional existence by trying
to force them to be normal so hopefully
now you can understand why the
narcissist is non-compliant puts things
off doesn’t finish things at home and
get so depressed angry and nasty when
forced to do tasks for you or the
children and in such a stark contrast
why they derive such pleasure and energy
by putting themselves out diligently and
consistently for other people outside of
your four walls so hopefully now you
know that there is no way you’re going
to get the narcissus to change he or she
will always hunt a narcissistic supply
and unless you become a fawning fool you
are not that constant source in fact
once past the honeymoon you will
regularly be the dump master to be
beaten up and to project wounds onto and
to attack and hurt and even if you do
become a fawning fool you it still at
times are going to be the dump master
because you’re having a relationship
with somebody who’s not interested in
you and the slightest and simply never
can be because he or she only has the
energy available to balance the delicate
and necessary regulation of narcissistic
supply to themselves so this means we
have to get out if we want the hope as a
happy and a healthy life so let’s take
it back to the start when I said for a
while we’re not going to get other
people’s support or them realizing who
the NASA
and we’re not going to get them to help
us heal and I also said that this was
all imperfect and divine order and the
reason for this is because the reason
that we were attracted to and attractive
to and hooked into narcissus even when
their mouth dropped is because we were
at that time under developed emotionally
we did not have a whole solid inner
identity who could be an adult in our
own body healthily generating our own
life we’re instead dependent sourcing
love approval survival and security
through others approval and their
validation others and if people now
after being abused by a narcissus
goddess supporters and Baptists then the
entire healing shift the massive up
level opportunity of narcissistic abuse
could never be claimed and actualize
bias and we would only back at square
one again still broken still susceptible
still dependent and still being
precariously prone to clinging on to
people even when they’re abusive so here
is the 100% necessity to become whole
self actualized non dependent and clean
you to people even when they hurt us
unable to steer our life healthily into
self-generative life-affirming
relationships and easily walk away from
ones that don’t match up it’s this we
need to become to ourselves everything
we want to receive from others and
please no self partnering is never about
becoming an island people may think if I
come home to heal myself and I don’t
need to get my wholeness from others
then I’ll never need people ever again
that’s true and that is exactly what you
want and I know that sounds totally like
a dichotomy but it is true because when
you are no longer empty and needy and
when you are whole people healthy good
loving people will flood into your
experience because you’re already being
and that
to them they match who you are in your
inner identity which is always what your
outer life is going to look like and you
can accept these people and you can
sustain relationships with them until
then that is not possible
and like my previous self you are only a
match for more empty and needy people
narcissus being the Big Kahuna’s and
these types of people so here is the
thing this is about dropping the need
for people to get you get who the
narcissist is and back you and help you
heal and rather it’s about you doing
that work on yourself and then I promise
you the street angel home devil thing
and your experience will collapse on its
head did in my world narcissus number
one had others so convinced that he was
wonderful and I was terrible one of my
family members used to go to his place
after I’d escaped to do resigning for
him my own son believed that I’ve been
having affairs behind everybody’s backs
my best friend had joined forces with
him and turned against me
virtually every single person involved
in my world who had believed him once I
so partnered and fully committed to
healing me turned away from him and came
back to me and I didn’t do anything at
all to make this happen and in fact when
it happened I didn’t even need it to
happen because I was already feeling the
most organically whole way ever had in
my life as a result of finally self
partnering and committing to releasing
my inner trauma and growing myself up to
become a healthy whole person and the
people who were in his world as
acquaintances he was still convinced
that he was wonderful I couldn’t care
less about them I was already at the
stage of knowing that he was merely and
magnificently a catalyst delivering me
finally home to myself and my healing
actually had nothing to do with him
anyway
so of course in realities other than the
one with me of course he’s going to
continue on being the same being this
storm of trauma that will hopefully
awaken others as well and my life now
awakened started to fill with more
validation love and approval that I’ve
ever known was possible tons more than
even before I was abused because as the
total key to make it happen I finally
become that to myself so I hope that
this episode has really helped if you’ve
been suffering the street angel home
devil stuff that we all didn’t have and
please come over to the blog and join in
the conversation with this which is blog
Bellini Tony Evans calm and until the
next little video that’s it for me from
sunny Darwin lots of love bye bye

How To Argue (But Not Fight) With A Narcissist

Because narcissists are so dominant and controlling, they have a knack for steering relationships into conflict. Do you have a game plan for handling yourself as potential arguments arise? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses developing a mindset that will serve you wisely in the midst of that conflict.

How Elizabeth Warren Learned to Fight

She was Betsy to her mother, who expected her to marry. Liz to fellow high school debaters, whom she regularly beat. Now, the lessons of an Oklahoma childhood are center stage in the presidential race.

OKLAHOMA CITY — It was 1962 in Oklahoma City and Liz Herring, a new student at Northwest Classen High School, was feeling insecure. She was good at school, had skipped a grade, and now, as a skinny freshman with glasses and crooked teeth who had grown up in a town south of the capital, she was hungry to fit in.

She joined the Cygnet Pep Club to show her school spirit and the Courtesy Club to help visitors find their way around the school. She became a member of the Announcers Club, reading messages over the school’s central sound system. But it was the debate club where she really found herself. At a time when Home Ec and preparing for marriage were priorities for young women, debate was a place where they could compete on equal ground.

She loved learning about the big topics of the day — Medicare, unions, nuclear disarmament. She began carrying around a large metal box with hundreds of index cards with quotes and facts written on them.

She was competitive and had extraordinary focus and self-discipline, spending hours after school each day practicing. Joe Pryor, a high school friend and debate teammate, remembers her “ruthlessness in preparation.” By the time they were juniors, he said, “she was just flat out better than me.”

Five Lies Our Culture Tells

The cultural roots of our political problems.

It’s become clear in the interim that things are not in good shape, that our problems are societal. The whole country is going through some sort of spiritual and emotional crisis.

College mental health facilities are swamped, suicide rates are spiking, the president’s repulsive behavior is tolerated or even celebrated by tens of millions of Americans. At the root of it all is the following problem: We’ve created a culture based on lies.

Here are some of them:

Career success is fulfilling. This is the lie we foist on the young. In their tender years we put the most privileged of them inside a college admissions process that puts achievement and status anxiety at the center of their lives. That begins advertising’s lifelong mantra — if you make it, life will be good.

Everybody who has actually tasted success can tell you that’s not true. I remember when the editor of my first book called to tell me it had made the best-seller list. It felt like … nothing. It was external to me.

The truth is, success spares you from the shame you might experience if you feel yourself a failure, but career success alone does not provide positive peace or fulfillment. If you build your life around it, your ambitions will always race out in front of what you’ve achieved, leaving you anxious and dissatisfied.

I can make myself happy. This is the lie of self-sufficiency. This is the lie that happiness is an individual accomplishment. If I can have just one more victory, lose 15 pounds or get better at meditation, then I will be happy.

But people looking back on their lives from their deathbeds tell us that happiness is found amid thick and loving relationships. It is found by defeating self-sufficiency for a state of mutual dependence. It is found in the giving and receiving of care.

It’s easy to say you live for relationships, but it’s very hard to do. It’s hard to see other people in all their complexity. It’s hard to communicate from your depths, not your shallows. It’s hard to stop performing! No one teaches us these skills.

Life is an individual journey. This is the lie books like Dr. Seuss’ “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” tell. In adulthood, each person goes on a personal trip and racks up a bunch of experiences, and whoever has the most experiences wins. This lie encourages people to believe freedom is the absence of restraint. Be unattached. Stay on the move. Keep your options open.

In reality, the people who live best tie themselves down. They don’t ask: What cool thing can I do next? They ask: What is my responsibility here? They respond to some problem or get called out of themselves by a deep love.

By planting themselves in one neighborhood, one organization or one mission, they earn trust. They have the freedom to make a lasting difference. It’s the chains we choose that set us free.

You have to find your own truth. This is the privatization of meaning. It’s not up to the schools to teach a coherent set of moral values, or a society. Everybody chooses his or her own values. Come up with your own answers to life’s ultimate questions! You do you!

The problem is that unless your name is Aristotle, you probably can’t do it. Most of us wind up with a few vague moral feelings but no moral clarity or sense of purpose.

The reality is that values are created and passed down by strong, self-confident communities and institutions. People absorb their values by submitting to communities and institutions and taking part in the conversations that take place within them. It’s a group process.