Rough Transcriptwelcome to thriver TV the place to breakfree from narcissistic abuse withquantum tools and understandings so thisweek’s thriver TV show is an importantone because narcissists are very verygood at making people like them most ofthem are very high-functioning andthey’re brilliant at appearing normalcordial and decent and this can spelldisaster for anyone else when their viewstarts and people look at you likeyou’ve got two heads when you’re tryingto explain it to them and people outsideof your relationship say that he’s sucha good guy and you can see them thinkingwhy is she so ungrateful and of coursehis is not gender-specificmany people outside of the family homelove the narcissistic woman becauseshe’s so accommodating hospitable andcharming and she’s always there to helpanyone in need plus she’s a marveloushostess usually so how can they believeyou when you are bearing the brunt ofnarcissistic torment behind closed doorsand I know that you might feel so aloneand powerless in regard to how thenarcissist is hoodwinkingeveryone else and no one but you seesthe truth but I promise you just as Idid there is a way to heal all of thisand then be validated and supported bylife and people beyond measure and thisall comes about as a result of howyou’re able to turn this around insideyourself for yourself first but beforewe do this the trauma of the streetangel home devil persona at thenarcissist is intense for people beingabused because not only do you feelisolated and misunderstood you alsoseriously start to doubt yourself and ofcourse you’re going to question whetherit is you in fact who is the cause ofall the problemsand you may even start to feel like Imust be imagining it and am I losing mymindyet we are certainly experiencing abuseand trauma at levels we thought we wouldnever go through which leaves us anxioustraumatized and intensely depressed andstruggling to function in everyday lifeso how do we get people to see what ishappening to us the truth is for awhilewe don’t how do we get people to realizewho the narcissist is we can’t becauseby trying to do this well we will infact only incriminate ourselves withpeople further which by the way is vitalto understand if you’re trying to warnyour kids you’ll get your kids tounderstand who the other parent is howdo we get people to support us and helpus heal we can’t and we don’t and ratherthan think this makes it all hopelessand you totally helpless it is in factthe exact opposite and I want you torealize that all of this is imperfect indivine order and as I go through thisdeep dive into this topic with youyou’ll understand why so I wanted firstof all talk about how and why thenarcissist is such a great actor andthen as always which is what I do I wantto bring the power and a healing backsquarely to ourselves the NASA’s earthis a false self which means that he orshe is a consummate actor a charadebeing whoever is required at the time toget narcissistic supply in the mostefficient and effective way I’m from avery early age narcissus know that toget attention and stuff which meansresources time accolades contacts wellsex whatever it is that’s required tofill the deep black hole inside themwhich no matter what it gets will neverfeel durably hole or at peace they knowthat people need to like andthem and it’s all to do with payoff it’sall to do with agenda it has nothing todo with true unconditional giving whichis this I give for the sake of givingand at the true quantum level giving isthis by giving to another I’m actuallygiving to myself because we are all oneand that’s why it feels so genuinelygood to do this because at the quantumlevel we are giving to ourselves howevermany people don’t operate at this leveland many people may do favors and gluegestures to create a favor Bank withothers yet narcissus take it a stepfurther they do it to get attentionacclaim compliment accolades budget fornarcissistic supply they do it so thatthey can emotionally survive becausegetting energy from the outside is somuch better than the energy that theyare experiencing on the inside becausethat energy is self annihilating it’sfull of the terrible devastatingemotions of shame and being defectiveand unacceptable and attention from theoutside which has to come through peopleis required as a temporary ongoingalways necessary buffer to offset thenarcissist in a being which isconstantly threatening to eat them aliveand this is why you may be horrified torealize that the narcissist is so muchmore interested in being wonderful toall and sundry than granting their ownchildren and family decency let alonedevotion service and care the reasonbeing there isn’t enough narcissisticsupply from being able to be extractedfrom giving to one’s family it’sgenerally expected that a father motherhusband a wife or a partner will becaring responsible and contributes tohis or her loved ones and isn’t going toget a red carpet rolled out completewith a fanfare every time they dosomething for somebody elsein fact healthy people get great joyfrom giving to their familyI’m making the people they love feelsupported and special but a narcissistsimply isn’t wired that way and you maybe horrified as to how childish andentitled and demanding they are whenthey demand your recognition forsomething that you’ve done way pastdesiring your healthy gratitude and ofcourse it’s nice to say thank you withinthe family and be grateful but thenarcissist want your accolades sorry heor she wants accolades and power andyour total acknowledgment without ofcourse acknowledging any of the thingsthat you do the bottom line is there isnowhere near enough narcissistic supplyinvolved to the narcissist to engage forreal in Family Contributionhe or she will at times pull out allstops for an agenda within the familyand all of a sudden be that caringgiving wonderful person but it’s notreal and it doesn’t last these times areonly when hoovering such as we hookingwith the spouse when he or she attemptsto leave the narcissist or will be foranother agenda the bottom line is thenarcissist must exert energy for payoffit’s a delicate balance between energyexpended in order to receive thenarcissistic drug narcissistic supply ifa narcissist gets cornered to do thingsfor the family and can’t get out intothe world to hunt more appropriatenarcissistic supply the narcissist isprecariously and dangerously pulledinwards to his or her self annihilatinginner being and will become low onsupply depressed manic and seething thenhe or she will need to get narcissisticsupply another way and this is when thepeople closest to the narcissist who tryto make narcissus behave like a normalperson someone who does give contributecomply and be a part of a team will thenbe lined up and batted mercilesslynow the narcissus has swish switchedfrom hunting positive supply to strikingout the negative narcissistic supplyit’s not about the accolades adorationand acclaim now it’s about getting thefeed of I am powerful and valid becauseI can affect you this severely it makesthe narcissist feel significant and evenomnipotent the narcissist alsotemporarily feels vindicated because heor she has punished you for threateningtheir very emotional existence by tryingto force them to be normal so hopefullynow you can understand why thenarcissist is non-compliant puts thingsoff doesn’t finish things at home andget so depressed angry and nasty whenforced to do tasks for you or thechildren and in such a stark contrastwhy they derive such pleasure and energyby putting themselves out diligently andconsistently for other people outside ofyour four walls so hopefully now youknow that there is no way you’re goingto get the narcissus to change he or shewill always hunt a narcissistic supplyand unless you become a fawning fool youare not that constant source in factonce past the honeymoon you willregularly be the dump master to bebeaten up and to project wounds onto andto attack and hurt and even if you dobecome a fawning fool you it still attimes are going to be the dump masterbecause you’re having a relationshipwith somebody who’s not interested inyou and the slightest and simply nevercan be because he or she only has theenergy available to balance the delicateand necessary regulation of narcissisticsupply to themselves so this means wehave to get out if we want the hope as ahappy and a healthy life so let’s takeit back to the start when I said for awhile we’re not going to get otherpeople’s support or them realizing whothe NASAand we’re not going to get them to helpus heal and I also said that this wasall imperfect and divine order and thereason for this is because the reasonthat we were attracted to and attractiveto and hooked into narcissus even whentheir mouth dropped is because we wereat that time under developed emotionallywe did not have a whole solid inneridentity who could be an adult in ourown body healthily generating our ownlife we’re instead dependent sourcinglove approval survival and securitythrough others approval and theirvalidation others and if people nowafter being abused by a narcissusgoddess supporters and Baptists then theentire healing shift the massive uplevel opportunity of narcissistic abusecould never be claimed and actualizebias and we would only back at squareone again still broken still susceptiblestill dependent and still beingprecariously prone to clinging on topeople even when they’re abusive so hereis the 100% necessity to become wholeself actualized non dependent and cleanyou to people even when they hurt usunable to steer our life healthily intoself-generative life-affirmingrelationships and easily walk away fromones that don’t match up it’s this weneed to become to ourselves everythingwe want to receive from others andplease no self partnering is never aboutbecoming an island people may think if Icome home to heal myself and I don’tneed to get my wholeness from othersthen I’ll never need people ever againthat’s true and that is exactly what youwant and I know that sounds totally likea dichotomy but it is true because whenyou are no longer empty and needy andwhen you are whole people healthy goodloving people will flood into yourexperience because you’re already beingand thatto them they match who you are in yourinner identity which is always what yourouter life is going to look like and youcan accept these people and you cansustain relationships with them untilthen that is not possibleand like my previous self you are only amatch for more empty and needy peoplenarcissus being the Big Kahuna’s andthese types of people so here is thething this is about dropping the needfor people to get you get who thenarcissist is and back you and help youheal and rather it’s about you doingthat work on yourself and then I promiseyou the street angel home devil thingand your experience will collapse on itshead did in my world narcissus numberone had others so convinced that he waswonderful and I was terrible one of myfamily members used to go to his placeafter I’d escaped to do resigning forhim my own son believed that I’ve beenhaving affairs behind everybody’s backsmy best friend had joined forces withhim and turned against mevirtually every single person involvedin my world who had believed him once Iso partnered and fully committed tohealing me turned away from him and cameback to me and I didn’t do anything atall to make this happen and in fact whenit happened I didn’t even need it tohappen because I was already feeling themost organically whole way ever had inmy life as a result of finally selfpartnering and committing to releasingmy inner trauma and growing myself up tobecome a healthy whole person and thepeople who were in his world asacquaintances he was still convincedthat he was wonderful I couldn’t careless about them I was already at thestage of knowing that he was merely andmagnificently a catalyst delivering mefinally home to myself and my healingactually had nothing to do with himanywayso of course in realities other than theone with me of course he’s going tocontinue on being the same being thisstorm of trauma that will hopefullyawaken others as well and my life nowawakened started to fill with morevalidation love and approval that I’veever known was possible tons more thaneven before I was abused because as thetotal key to make it happen I finallybecome that to myself so I hope thatthis episode has really helped if you’vebeen suffering the street angel homedevil stuff that we all didn’t have andplease come over to the blog and join inthe conversation with this which is blogBellini Tony Evans calm and until thenext little video that’s it for me fromsunny Darwin lots of love bye bye
Because narcissists are so dominant and controlling, they have a knack for steering relationships into conflict. Do you have a game plan for handling yourself as potential arguments arise? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses developing a mindset that will serve you wisely in the midst of that conflict.
OKLAHOMA CITY — It was 1962 in Oklahoma City and Liz Herring, a new student at Northwest Classen High School, was feeling insecure. She was good at school, had skipped a grade, and now, as a skinny freshman with glasses and crooked teeth who had grown up in a town south of the capital, she was hungry to fit in.
She joined the Cygnet Pep Club to show her school spirit and the Courtesy Club to help visitors find their way around the school. She became a member of the Announcers Club, reading messages over the school’s central sound system. But it was the debate club where she really found herself. At a time when Home Ec and preparing for marriage were priorities for young women, debate was a place where they could compete on equal ground.
She loved learning about the big topics of the day — Medicare, unions, nuclear disarmament. She began carrying around a large metal box with hundreds of index cards with quotes and facts written on them.
She was competitive and had extraordinary focus and self-discipline, spending hours after school each day practicing. Joe Pryor, a high school friend and debate teammate, remembers her “ruthlessness in preparation.” By the time they were juniors, he said, “she was just flat out better than me.”
The cultural roots of our political problems.
It’s become clear in the interim that things are not in good shape, that our problems are societal. The whole country is going through some sort of spiritual and emotional crisis.
College mental health facilities are swamped, suicide rates are spiking, the president’s repulsive behavior is tolerated or even celebrated by tens of millions of Americans. At the root of it all is the following problem: We’ve created a culture based on lies.
Here are some of them:
Career success is fulfilling. This is the lie we foist on the young. In their tender years we put the most privileged of them inside a college admissions process that puts achievement and status anxiety at the center of their lives. That begins advertising’s lifelong mantra — if you make it, life will be good.
Everybody who has actually tasted success can tell you that’s not true. I remember when the editor of my first book called to tell me it had made the best-seller list. It felt like … nothing. It was external to me.
The truth is, success spares you from the shame you might experience if you feel yourself a failure, but career success alone does not provide positive peace or fulfillment. If you build your life around it, your ambitions will always race out in front of what you’ve achieved, leaving you anxious and dissatisfied.
I can make myself happy. This is the lie of self-sufficiency. This is the lie that happiness is an individual accomplishment. If I can have just one more victory, lose 15 pounds or get better at meditation, then I will be happy.
But people looking back on their lives from their deathbeds tell us that happiness is found amid thick and loving relationships. It is found by defeating self-sufficiency for a state of mutual dependence. It is found in the giving and receiving of care.
It’s easy to say you live for relationships, but it’s very hard to do. It’s hard to see other people in all their complexity. It’s hard to communicate from your depths, not your shallows. It’s hard to stop performing! No one teaches us these skills.
Life is an individual journey. This is the lie books like Dr. Seuss’ “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” tell. In adulthood, each person goes on a personal trip and racks up a bunch of experiences, and whoever has the most experiences wins. This lie encourages people to believe freedom is the absence of restraint. Be unattached. Stay on the move. Keep your options open.
In reality, the people who live best tie themselves down. They don’t ask: What cool thing can I do next? They ask: What is my responsibility here? They respond to some problem or get called out of themselves by a deep love.
By planting themselves in one neighborhood, one organization or one mission, they earn trust. They have the freedom to make a lasting difference. It’s the chains we choose that set us free.
You have to find your own truth. This is the privatization of meaning. It’s not up to the schools to teach a coherent set of moral values, or a society. Everybody chooses his or her own values. Come up with your own answers to life’s ultimate questions! You do you!
The problem is that unless your name is Aristotle, you probably can’t do it. Most of us wind up with a few vague moral feelings but no moral clarity or sense of purpose.
The reality is that values are created and passed down by strong, self-confident communities and institutions. People absorb their values by submitting to communities and institutions and taking part in the conversations that take place within them. It’s a group process.