I find it despicable that Wal-Mart refused to allow her to pay for the items. If one of those employees stepped in and noticed her diminished mental condition, and then allowed her to pay, then this confrontation would not have happened.“I was going to pay for it” “but you didn’t” BECAUSE THE EMPLOYEES REFUSED TO LET HER! My god this officer is not only a monster thinking he’s some big shot for taking down a mentally unwell, little old lady and thinking he freaking knows what happened when clearly he didn’t. I’m glad she filed a lawsuit against them and both no longer work for the police dept as well as charges against them. I hope they get found GUILTY for this behavior because they KNEW they were in the wrong, and proceeded to try to cover their tracks. I feel so bad for Karen, she didn’t deserve that.
As a caregiver in a memory care facility, this brought me to tears. Absolutely sickeningThis victim reminds me of my Mom who died just over a year ago from dementia. It’s hard to believe anyone (especially law enforcement officers) being so cruel to her and lacking basic humanity. Kudos to those who came to her aid in her time of need.“She started running”Liar.Absolutely disgusting.I started tearing up seeing him dislocate her shoulder.Wow what a hero for hurting an 80lb elderly woman with dementia.It’s ironic the cop tells a stranger to get all the facts before rushing to judgment.Officer: “this is what you get when you mess with the police” Also Officer: goes to jail, gets public outrage, humiliation, and makes taxpayers pay 3 million dollarsI’m crying for this poor woman. I’ve a hidden disability that causes me to behave this way from time to time. It’s TERRIFYING.He seriously celebrated that arrest? What’s to be proud of,the way he just had to prove what a “boss” he was, right! By throwing a tiny, little, old woman to the ground because she “resisted arrest”! Bollox! She made you feel small when she didn’t stop and you had to show her the full power of your authority!! Pathetic!! Now the guy in the white car, the one who stood up to the officer and told him he saw the whole arrest and she didn’t try to run away once.. he’s a boss! Edit note – actually he’s a dam hero!! He risked getting wrongfully arrested to help her! We need more people like him in our world!This’s so heartbreaking. As a nurse, I worked with dementia patients for over a decade and the thought of any of them being treated this way makes me sick. When the officer first approached her, she was pleasantly confused and smiled at him. I’m sure she had no idea why this “nice young man” was talking to her. You can see it in her expression. With that in mind and understanding that a police officer’s roll in society is “to protect and serve”, it makes this one of the worst videos to watch. In that way, it reminds me of the video showing a man sweetly call a kitten over to him in a park, and when the kitten came running over to him calling, he kicked it through the air. The innocence in the world is too often crushed by the evil people in society. We have to stand up to those who crush that innocence. Can you imagine the pain and confusion Ms Garner was experiencing?… and then shackled to a bench with lacerations and fractures for hours without medical treatment. 😢 Anyone trying to say “He didn’t know”, watch his reaction to her after she’s in his vehicle and back at the station! He talked to her like a child because he knew her mental state was that of a child.
You forgot the young man who confronted the police officers when he saw conduct that clearly disturbed him and struck him as wrong…. I’d give that young man an A.I like how the dude stands his ground when the cop lies and says she was running “I seen her the whole time, she wasn’t running”.Whats really horrifying is that the sergeant, and pretty sure everyone else in the dept, approved of the behavior and didnt reprimand the officers until they were sued“No action was taken against the officers until a lawsuit was filed…” The fact that a lawsuit was required in order to get the bad apples removed, speaks volumes.A law needs to be passed that prohibits fired cops from being hired by other departments
It’s satisfying to finally see officers held accountable for their conduct. This used to be completely acceptable conduct for police, and now they not only get fired for it, but they get charged as well (as they should).The absolute balls on that guy to confront two random cops in what obviously isn’t his first language or his native country is amazing. What a hero, hats off to himI wish one of these networks would give you a nationally syndicated show. I thank you for your channel. I really think your videos would help inform the public as to what is wrong with the way police do their job and could help bring police reform. I really appreciate what you do. THANK YOUThe fact he easily and quickly deescalated the bystander situation but couldn’t do the same for an elderly woman with dementia is just sadOddly, I’m upset with the Walmart employees for calling the police and escalating the situation. I’m not advocating for stealing, but it was only $13 worth of product. Walmart isn’t going to suffer over such a petty loss. Just let her take it—it was not worth the broken shoulder or trauma she suffered.As someone who’s grandmother is in a similar state, I have nothing but loathing for the officers involved and the Wal-Mart management that all failed to help this woman. Just a couple of simple questions could have sorted out that she was having trouble, but no, they all had to treat her so terribly.“You’re resisting, which isn’t going to fly with me” shows what a pathetic man he is when he feels the need to assert his dominance over a little old lady.Where I came from, people would line up in the store to offer paying for what the old lady took. As we where raised to respect older people No matter what and this is what Im passing through to my kids. Seeing that lady go through pain not knowing what’s going on really hurts me. I hope she’s doing fine now.“Dont judge the scene before you get all the facts.” Sometimes, irony just writes itselfAs a caregiver who have seen many of these patients, this broke my heart.As a former officer this made me sick to my stomach. I love old people and we much protect them at all costs that’s level of force was completely unnecessary. I was literally pissed watching this video. I’m glad she sued the s*** out of them! And shout out to that citizen who stood up against these wolves dressed as sheepdogs! He need a award as well.I’m so glad that the police in my country get at least a 2 year training and in those 2 years and constantly after as well are being trained on how to deal with mentally unstable or ill people, development issues, physical ailments, confused people etc and even with aggression and stubbornness. You rarely see stuff like this or anything on this channel for that matter happening here.I am getting sick and tired of departments allowing officers to resign in order to to not be held accountable for their actions, and not being put on the list.Isn’t it funny how police can immediately charge a citizen for resisting arrest all while carrying around “qualified immunity” where it takes months to years to prove their unprofessionalism? I’m an advocate for getting rid of qualified immunity and letting officers carry their own insurance similar to malpractice insurance that doctors and nurses carry.This could have been my mother who suffers from similar conditions. I cried throughout this video – disgraceful conduct..“I’m going home. I’m going home.” This poor woman. My mom suffered from Alzheimer’s. It’s horrible. I’m shocked these officers didn’t recognize there was a mental issue here. Just horribly sad.I didn’t even make it 2mins into the video and I’m already furious! The sheer level of ignorance. The amount of fear and confusion that woman must have felt is unimaginable. I lost one of my Grandparents to Alzheimer’s disease and it was heart breaking to watch her mental decline and how it affected her. Some days were almost like she was blissfully unaware but other times it was like she suddenly realised what was happening to her and what she was losing. The dread, fear and confusion in those moments were devastating. So watching this poor woman be mistreated because people don’t have time to consider or due to their ignorance figure out that there is an explanation for her behaviour is so hard to watch.Edit: 7:56 oh freaking awesome, so it’s even in their own policies which means they WILL have been trained in this stuff?! So it’s not just ignorance. It’s WILLFUL ignorance!I live in Loveland CO and cant beleive this happened. To think a $13 that she never even took was treated like this is so disrespectful and sickening.Man, I have never seen anyone so proud of oppressing a weaker person. The cop seems so proud oh his actionA reasonable person knows how fragile elderly people are. Knowing this, this is an assault in my opinion.It really angers me in the beginning how overly righteous and condescending he sounds when he speaks to this poor woman, who clearly is suffering from some kind of mass confusion/mental health episode. They can’t approach suspects like this like they’re pure evil, it isn’t black and white, you have to at least try to communicate properly before using force and immediate judgement. Edit: The citizen stopping and catching the officer in lies and asking for his Sargent was AMAZING.This one breaks my heart. My mom & aunt are at the age where they are becoming frail like this. If I saw an officer man handle one of them like this I would probably wind up in jail. Pick on someone your own size! He could have literally pinched her sweatshirt sleeve & that would have been enough to overpower this tiny old woman. She is clearly not a threat to society at large. Stealing is wrong regardless, but this is a tricky situation. The officers had no way of initially knowing that she was mentally disabled. I can agree with that. But they could absolutely see that she is a frail old woman & made better decision about use of force. & btw calling them “peace officers” makes me sick.I wonder these days if there is a truly honest well trained and following the ‘To Protect and Serve’ cop anywhere in this country?? I was in law enforcement in the 70s and was proud to serve, but these days even I have a whole different look when I see an officer, wondering if they are corrupt or not. That is so sad!Nobody would have ever known about this if it wasn’t filmed. This is what has been going on for years. It’s hard to watch, but there’s unprofessional cops in every state.It’s absolutely amazing how the cops can all convince themselves and each other that they have done nothing wrong. Doesn’t matter what they’ve done – they all group-think themselves into believing that they acted within the law. It’s laughable. The only hope is that they watch the video in private and see what everyone else sees. Why couldn’t the cop see that something wasn’t right – does he not have a mother? Does he not recognise when someone is behaving oddly? He could have given her a lift home and made sure she was safe – it wasn’t like she was public enemy number 1.the arrest itself was very difficult for me to watch.. she’s visibly confused and the officer immediately resorts to using physical force.. i hope she’s doing okay this must have been physically and mentally traumatizing for the poor ladyI know exactly when the shoulder injury happened. That was when he was controlling her arm causing her pain on purpose to teach a lesson or for self pleasure because she was not complying with him.Update to this is that their Sargent Metzler- who participated in dropping her on the ground while loading her into a police car and signed off on this abuse as acceptable was allowed to work until he retired with full pay. The police chief Ticer who hired the miscreants, and also approved the beating they administered to this grandmother, now works in a retirement community in Arizona. Please pray for the unsuspecting seniors he will be “helping”………She’s 73. He tells her if she kicks him “things will be bad”. Clearly this man was itching to beat up someone in cuffs. He had no intention of using just the amount of force necessary to stop the threat.always nice to hear a officer say ‘i don’t care’ during an arrest especially when they don’t know all the details.This video makes me furious every time I watch it And then how they laugh and joke later at the jail is some of the most egregious shit towards an elderly person I’ve ever seen12:56 I refuse to believe that the cops were celebrating injuring an elderly woman. What is this world coming toAn update: Officer Hopp has been sentenced to 5 years in prison and 3 years probation. Accountability is getting better, next step is to stop the entire concept of internal investigationYou can tell how disconnected this cop is with everything. He treated this whole situation like it was a game.>> The cop sounded like he was getting happy in the beginning of the stop. Like he was happy about finally being able to use some action.>> Hey the cop was just playing GTA5 role play as a admin so it perfectly fine
>> Sounds like an 11 year old chattering with his gaming buddies
>> @sergantawesom I bet in his childhood he was the kid that would beat up a smaller kid and take his lunch money.
>> Is it just me or are these officers huffing and puffing over a 73 year old lady.I’m a retail manager. This is appalling. If the “customer” offers to pay for the stuff, that’s acceptable. My first issue is with the employees who should have accepted payment and then simply told her she’s not welcome there anymore. (NOTE: That’s regardless of knowledge of mental capacity). My second issue is then with the police where it became obvious that she does have some mental disadvantages. Either way, the police were wrong in their approach. They didn’t bother to talk amicably with her. It was immediate detention.This is so sad that this lady went through this. I am thankful she did file the lawsuit and won however, the pain had to be so excruciating. Elderly don’t heal fast. I will be waiting to see or hear their trials. Thank you for sharing these audits.The fact that concerned man wasn’t even fluent in English and had the bravery to confront that aggressive cop was amazing!!! He must of been prepared to go to jail.Cops should have NO means to delete footage, EVER. There’s no reason for someone with so much power to have more access than a retail employee has with cctv cameras.Right from start, in the first 30 seconds, even I could see the lady was not 100% – 5′ tall and 80lb with dementia does not pose a threat. The whole thing could have been avoided if he just stopped for a second and reassessed the situation. He could have explained it to her, given her a ride home, talked to the caregiver who would have probably gone and paid the bill at WalMart. And good on that dude rolling up and challenging the cops treatment of that lady.You can hear the joy in this man’s voice while he’s man handling this frail old womanI remember a time we’re old ladies and ladies in general we’re treaded with respect. Today police in America seem to see in humans only criminals and non criminals. No nuance’s whatsoever. Sad.The fact that there was an “internal review” and they found this use of force “reasonable” shows just how corrupt most internal reviews actually are. “We investigated ourselves and have found nothing wrong”.Cops so many times just spew out lies without hesitation so often on these videos it’s ridiculousWhat kills me is that she tried to pay and they just confused the crap out of her instead. I don’t think I have ever seen such a aggressive Wal-Mart employee.Aw what a sweet young lady! I feel so bad for her. I really hope she is getting the care she desperately needs after such a traumatic encounter 🙁Just once it’d be nice to see the cop say to the concerned onlooker, “Here are the things you need to file a complaint. Thank you for looking out for this community and keeping us honest.”That pos officer’s tone of voice is infuriating. He was talking to her like a small child but physically manhandled her like she was an NFL linebacker. The fact that their bosses tried to sweep it under the rug until they had no choice but to break the blue wall is why people hate the police.Friendly reminder that the prosecutor who dropped the charges reviewed the body cam footage and only dropped charges to protect the officers involved in hopes that this body cam wouldn’t be released to the public.When the lady just kept saying she was going home in a confused tone they should have suspected something wasn’t mentally right with her and they should have been more accommodating.It’s amazing how this officer just had no clue. It’s obvious this lady had an issue from first contact. You could see how clueless she was when she turned around. She had a confused look on her face and that was very clear.There is just one major problem here. When the woman was stopped at the store by a store employee she offered the store employee her credit card to pay for the items she was walking out with. She offered to pay and instead the store employee said no and took the items back from her. Thus no crime was committed.This is why I teach my children to respect the law and authority, but always keep your guard up around the police.I disagree. They showed just enough force to restrain the perpetrator at the time of confrontationThank God we have officers out there protecting Walmart from losing $13 what would our world be like without them complete chaosThe way the cop physically, without speaking, threatened to destroy her shoulder when he was saying don’t kick at her terrifies me. He could have ruined her rotator cuff just with how he was pressing her arm.The cop’s tone of voice genuinely upsets me. It’s so condescending I’m disgusted and if I met him in a bar or something I don’t think I could hold a conversation longer than 20 seconds with him.That’s why these cameras are so important. Cops like these need to be held accountable. The fact that they tried covering their tracks makes this far worse. We need to normalize disciplining officers who abuse their power more.I used to do undercover loss prevention and it was a district supervisor where I live. Why in the hell didn’t the Walmart employees let her to pay for the items and leave. I hope they got fired and get sued as well.The manner in which she said “I’m going home” should have been an immediate indication that she is confused and not a threat.>> Exactly. It shows the officers not only lack a brain, they also lack a heart.>> @utubepunk having people skills is frowned upon within most police departments
>> The fact she was 80 pounds should have made it clear she wasn’t a threat.
>> They should know signs of dementia. They know every side effect of drug use, they should know mental health as well. I’m going home is something I heard my grandpa say many many times.
>> Repetitive and disjointed speach, no sense of surroundings , inability to ascertain a situation. Clear signs of mental illness. Maybe drug abuse. But that’s a grandma who lost her marbles and is in need of help, not policing.
>> Attempting to delete body cam footage? That’s corruption at its core. Punching down and chest bumping during and after the incident infuriates me. Glad justice was served on the police for misconduct.The most disgusting thing is their happy tone the entire time. They became police to harm people without fear of reprisal and accountability. Think how many more of them there are.I didnt know that trying to pay for items you forgot to pay for and having the items taken back and then leaving counted as stealing, attempting to steal or warranted being tackled.Scary how much fun he was having and how condescending he was to the citizen that confronted himThis situation boils my blood as former LEO. I was giving the officers the benefit of the doubt at the beginning. No way they could know she had dementia and she wasn’t a habitual shop lifter. But the way treated her without any medical attention and she laid on that bench in pain while they watched the body cam footage and celebrated the arrest of a 5 foot 80 lbs grandma, is disgusting. The reason they watch the footage was because of that concerned person witnessing the excessive force so they could come up with an excuse if he filed a complaint.Something similar happened in my town. They arrested her and then released her in the middle of the night with no phone or care. She was found wandering the streets by her family a day later
The Reichstag fire was at least a fire. Here, there is smoke and mirrors.
When Trump was in business, his shtick was stiffing contractors. If confronted, he would try some bombast and storm out of meetings, as he did the other day with congressional leaders, ending talks on the partial government shutdown caused by a crisis he has manufactured. His shtick now is stiffing all Americans. The technique is the same: Keep reality at a distance through hyperactive fakery.
.. A manufactured crisis, I said. It’s worth recalling the 5,200 troops ordered to the southern border before the midterm elections to confront the “caravan of migrants.” This was an exercise in manipulative illusion.
Monthly crossings over the southern border have declined in recent years. The number of migrants apprehended has also fallen over the past decade, with a recent tick upward. There is no humanitarian crisis, just as not a single mile of additional wall has been built since Trump took office.
But absent this noise, what does reality offer the president? Robert Mueller, Nancy Pelosi and Michael Cohen, the specters of his insomnia.
.. The essential distinction that Frankfurt, a professor of philosophy emeritus at Princeton University, makes is between lies and bull. As he writes, “It is impossible for someone to lie unless he thinks he knows the truth. Producing bullshit requires no such conviction.”
.. It is a habit “unconstrained by a concern with truth” whose essence is “not of falsity but of fakery.” The addict of bull “does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly. He just picks them out, or makes them up, to suit his purpose.” He is “trying to get away with something.” His “focus is panoramic rather than particular,” and he shuns “the more austere and rigorous demands of lying.”
Frankfurt’s conclusion may be read as an ominous verdict on this president. The bull merchant “does not reject the authority of the truth, as the liar does, and oppose himself to it. He pays no attention to it at all. By virtue of this, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.”
It has been said that Trump’s extraordinary election victory owed much to his intuitions about the anger in the heartland. There is some truth in this. But his essential intuition was into the readiness of Americans, suspended between the real and the virtual, for a post-truth presidency.
Quinta Jurecic, in an important essay for the Lawfare Blog, set out the dangers inherent in this shift before Trump took office. In the essay, “On Bullshit and the Oath of Office: The ‘LOL Nothing Matters’ Presidency,” she cited Frankfurt and argued that Trump’s “foundational disrespect for meaning and consequence” — that is to say, for reality and the very concept of law — would make it “impossible for Donald Trump to faithfully execute the laws of this nation and the duties of the oath of office and to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution.”
The president’s apparent readiness to “do national emergency,” as he put it, over a manufactured border crisis amounts to a perfect illustration of this danger. The Reichstag fire was at least a fire. Here there is only smoke and mirrors.
I would add one element to the reflections of Frankfurt and Jurecic on bull. There may be something amusing, or at least innocuous, about the bullshit artists encountered in a lifetime. They may be waved away. But in Trump the element of sadistic cruelty in his personality (mocking the disabled, for example), and the sheer gall of his fakery, make of him a malignant, rather than a benign, bullshit artist. He happens to occupy the world’s most powerful office.
Trump cannot help himself, I said. He can’t and won’t. But as citizens, “we have a duty to insist that words have meaning,” as Jurecic writes. If they don’t, neither does the Republic. That’s what the ants told me as I gazed at them, troubled and fixated.
Here are the 20 diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.
.. In order to resist gaslighting, it’s important to ground yourself in your own reality – sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gaslighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.
One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.
.. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.
For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.Narcissistic abusers love to play the “blameshifting game.”.. Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity.
.. 3. Nonsensical conversations from hell.
If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.
Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen to exist.
Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.
.. 4. Blanket statements and generalizations.
Malignant narcissists aren’t always intellectual masterminds – many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don’t acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives you’ve paid homage to.
5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.
.. Let’s say you bring up the fact that you’re unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” or “So I am a bad person, huh?” when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.
This is also a popular form of diversion and cognitive distortion that is known as “mind reading.” Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling. They chronically jump to conclusions based on their own triggers rather than stepping back to evaluate the situation mindfully.
.. Notorious for putting words in your mouth, they depict you as having an intention or outlandish viewpoint you didn’t possess. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic – even before you’ve gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior – and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.
.. Simply stating, “I never said that,” and walking away should the person continue to accuse you of doing or saying something you didn’t can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. So long as the toxic person can blameshift and digress from their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be “shamed” for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.
6. Nitpicking and moving the goal posts.
The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don’t want to help you improve, they just want to nitpick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as “moving the goalposts” in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.
.. The goal posts will perpetually change and may not even be related to each other; they don’t have any other point besides making you vie for the narcissist’s approval and validation.
.. By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instill in you a pervasive sense of unworthiness and of never feeling quite “enough.” By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyperfocus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead.
They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you’re going to have to meet – until eventually you’ve bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need – only to realize it didn’t change the horrific way they treated you.
.. their motive isn’t to better understand. It’s to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself. Validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don’t have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.
..7. Changing the subject to evade accountability.
This type of tactic is what I like to call the “What about me?” syndrome. It is a literal digression from the actual topic that works to redirect attention to a different issue altogether. Narcissists don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute discussions to benefit them. Complaining about their neglectful parenting? They’ll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like “What about the time when…”
.. A discussion about gay rights, for example, may be derailed quickly by someone who brings in another social justice issue just to distract people from the main argument.
.. that doesn’t mean that the issues that are being brought up don’t matter, it just means that the specific time and place may not be the best context to discuss them.
.. Don’t be derailed – if someone pulls a switcheroo on you, you can exercise what I call the “broken record” method and continue stating the facts without giving in to their distractions. Redirect their redirection by saying, “That’s not what I am talking about. Let’s stay focused on the real issue.” If they’re not interested, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive
.. 8. Covert and overt threats.
Narcissistic abusers and otherwise toxic people feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.
.. Rather than tackle disagreements or compromises maturely, they set out to divert you from your right to have your own identity and perspective by attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing or complying with their demands. To them, any challenge results in an ultimatum and “do this or I’ll do that” becomes their daily mantra.
If someone’s reaction to you setting boundaries or having a differing opinion from your own is to threaten you into submission, whether it’s a thinly veiled threat or an overt admission of what they plan to do, this is a red flag of someone who has a high degree of entitlement and has no plans of compromising. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.
Narcissists preemptively blow anything they perceive as a threat to their superiority out of proportion. In their world, only they can ever be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic injury that results in narcissistic rage. As Mark Goulston, M.D. asserts, narcissistic rage does not result from low self-esteem but rather a high sense of entitlement and false sense of superiority.
The lowest of the low resort to narcissistic rage in the form of name-calling when they can’t think of a better way to manipulate your opinion or micromanage your emotions. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.
Name-calling can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and insights. A well-researched perspective or informed opinion suddenly becomes “silly” or “idiotic” in the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened by it and cannot make a respectful, convincing rebuttal.
Rather than target your argument, they target you as a person and seek to undermine your credibility and intelligence in any way they possibly can. It’s important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that you won’t tolerate it. Don’t internalize it: realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in higher level methods.
10. Destructive conditioning.
Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. They may even isolate you from your friends and family and make you financially dependent upon them. Like Pavlov’s dogs, you’re essentially “trained” over time to become afraid of doing the very things that once made your life fulfilling.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and otherwise toxic people do this because they wish to divert attention back to themselves and how you’re going to please them. If there is anything outside of them that may threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be the center of attention at all times.
.. Narcissists are also naturally pathologically envious and don’t want anything to come in between them and their influence over you. Your happiness represents everything they feel they cannot have in their emotionally shallow lives. After all, if you learn that you can get validation, respect and love from other sources besides the toxic person, what’s to keep you from leaving them?
.. 11. Smear campaigns and stalking.
When toxic types can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you’re labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person.
They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly “expose” the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.
Some smear campaigns can even work to pit two people or two groups against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist often doesn’t know what’s being said about them during the relationship, but they eventually find out the falsehoods shortly after they’ve been discarded.
Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviors that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called “victims” of your abuse.
The best way to handle a smear campaign is to stay mindful of your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially pertinent for high-conflict divorces with narcissists who may use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible.
.. Your character and integrity will speak for itself when the narcissist’s false mask begins to slip.
.. 12. Love-bombing and devaluation.
Narcissistic abusers do this all the time – they devalue their exes to their new partners, and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the narcissist’s ex-partner. Ultimately what will happen is that you will also be on the receiving end of the same abuse. You will one day be the ex-partner they degrade to their new source of supply. You just don’t know it yet. That’s why it’s important to stay mindful of the love-bombing technique whenever you witness behavior that doesn’t align with the saccharine sweetness a narcissist subjects you to.
.. slowing things down with people you suspect may be toxic is an important way of combating the love-bombing technique. Be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.
.. 13. Preemptive defense.
When someone stresses the fact that they are a “nice guy” or girl, that you should “trust them” right away or emphasizes their credibility without any provocation from you whatsoever, be wary.
Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first building a solid foundation of trust. They may “perform” a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship to dupe you, only to unveil their false mask later on. When you see their false mask begins to slip periodically during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, the true self is revealed to be terrifyingly cold, callous and contemptuous.
.. Genuinely nice people rarely have to persistently show off their positive qualities – they exude their warmth more than they talk about it and they know that actions speak volumes more than mere words.
.. To counter a preemptive defense, reevaluate why a person may be emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you don’t trust them, or because they know you shouldn’t?
.. 14. Triangulation.
Bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested threat of another person into the dynamic of an interaction is known as “triangulation.” Often used to validate the toxic person’s abuse while invalidating the victim’s reactions to abuse, triangulation can also work to manufacture love triangles that leave you feeling unhinged and insecure.
Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members in order to evoke jealousy and uncertainty in you. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.
.. This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself – if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn’t that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.
.. To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation.
.. 15. Bait and feign innocence.
Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn’t know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down.
.. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds – and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you.
After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer.
- .. Provocative statements,
- hurtful accusations or
- unsupported generalizations, for example,
are common baiting tactics.
16. Boundary testing and hoovering.
Narcissists, sociopaths and otherwise toxic people continually try and test your boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations they’re able to commit without consequences, the more they’ll push the envelope.
That’s why survivors of emotional as well as physical abuse often experience even more severe incidents of abuse each and every time they go back to their abusers.
.. In the abuser’s sick mind, this boundary testing serves as a punishment for standing up to the abuse and also for being going back to it. When narcissists try to press the emotional reset button, reinforce your boundaries even more strongly rather than backtracking on them.
Remember – highly manipulative people don’t respond to empathy or compassion. They respond to consequences.
17. Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes.
Covert narcissists enjoy making malicious remarks at your expense. These are usually dressed up as “just jokes” so that they can get away with saying appalling things while still maintaining an innocent, cool demeanor. Yet any time you are outraged at an insensitive, harsh remark, you are accused of having no sense of humor. This is a tactic frequently used in verbal abuse.
The contemptuous smirk and sadistic gleam in their eyes gives it away, however – like a predator that plays with its food, a toxic person gains pleasure from hurting you and being able to get away with it. After all, it’s just a joke, right?
Wrong. It’s a way to gaslight you into thinking their abuse is a joke – a way to divert from their cruelty and onto your perceived sensitivity. It is important that when this happens, you stand up for yourself and make it clear that you won’t tolerate this type of behavior.
Calling out manipulative people on their covert put-downs may result in further gaslighting from the abuser but maintain your stance that their behavior is not okay and end the interaction immediately if you have to.
18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone.
Belittling and degrading a person is a toxic person’s forte and their tone of voice is only one tool in their toolbox. Sarcasm can be a fun mode of communication when both parties are engaged, but narcissists use it chronically as a way to manipulate you and degrade you. If you in any way react to it, you must be “too sensitive.”
Forget that the toxic person constantly has temper tantrums every time their big bad ego is faced with realistic feedback – the victim is the hypersensitive one, apparently.
.. So long as you’re treated like a child and constantly challenged for expressing yourself, you’ll start to develop a sense of hypervigilance about voicing your thoughts and opinions without reprimand. This self-censorship enables the abuser to put in less work in silencing you, because you begin to silence yourself.
“You should be ashamed of yourself” is a favorite saying of toxic people. Though it can be used by someone who is non-toxic, in the realm of the narcissist or sociopath, shaming is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that might challenge a toxic person’s power. It can also be used to destroy and whittle away at a victim’s self-esteem: if a victim dares to be proud of something, shaming the victim for that specific trait, quality or accomplishment can serve to diminish their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.
.. Malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths enjoy using your own wounds against you – so they will even shame you about any abuse or injustice you’ve suffered in your lifetime as a way to retraumatize you. Were you a childhood abuse survivor? A malignant narcissist or sociopath will claim that you must’ve done something to deserve it, or brag about their own happy childhood as a way to make you feel deficient and unworthy.
What better way to injure you, after all, than to pick at the original wound? As surgeons of madness, they seek to exacerbate wounds, not help heal them.
If you suspect you’re dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past traumas. Until they’ve proven their character to you, there is no point disclosing information that could be potentially used against you.
Most importantly, toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can. They isolate you, maintain control over your finances and social networks, and micromanage every facet of your life. Yet the most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions.
That’s why abusive narcissists and sociopaths manufacture situations of conflict out of thin air to keep you feeling off center and off balanced. That’s why they chronically engage in disagreements about irrelevant things and rage over perceived slights. That’s why they emotionally withdraw, only to re-idealize you once they start to lose control. That’s why they vacillate between their false self and their true self, so you never get a sense of psychological safety or certainty about who your partner truly is.