Lyn Alden on Aikido and Online Conversation

Aikido is the Japanese martial art of using your opponent’s momentum against them. I find that it has relevance for online communication. A brief thread.

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Aikido is admittedly kind of a shit martial art if you want to regularly win UFC. Investing time into some combination of kickboxing, submission grappling, and Muay Thai gets you a lot further. Offense, aggression, breaking things, with rational defense as well.
I personally also preferred the aggressive striking style or submission style where possible. It’s practical. In my 12 yrs of fighting and a few years as an assistant instructor, I preferred striking against large opponents, and used grappling mainly against small opponents.
The practical problem was that my co-ed martial arts school was like 80% male, and thus basically 80% larger than me. It’s awkward leading a class of people as big or bigger than you. I was usually the smaller one in a given sparring match. An uphill battle every time.
Due to how frequently I fought larger people, for the small percentage of time when I instead fought against other women or smallish men, it suddenly felt like Goku or Rock Lee taking off his training weights.
Against men tho, I found Aikido helpful. My grappling tactic was to push them, until they push back and overpower me, at which point I quickly grab them and pull them towards me and down, dropping them off balance with their own forward momentum. Then I choked them out.

 

People online are often weirdly aggressive, like in their basement tweeting against random avatars they don’t know to support their existing worldview. It’s better to treat it as though you are conversing with other people, because you are.
Even professionals or other high-profile accounts can often go after each other aggressively. It’s often due to pent-up frustration, large egos, and dealing with other people online without the full context of their actual humanity.
If you ignore aggressors, or acknowledge them and discuss with them, rather than insult them back, you often make progress. Maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they developed a false perception of you. If you get aggressive back, it only fuels it. Instead, explore it.
Sometimes you can fix their perception of you and sort it out, assuming you are honest. Or if they are irrational, you give them rope to hang (embarrass) themselves. Nothing is more awkward than attacking someone who is kind and rational in return. It’s like verbal Aikido.
Acknowledge their concerns, ask for clarification, point out their contradictions or incorrect statements, and cheerfully defend the truth. Maintaining aggression against that is hard. Internet aggression is often like that: diffused if one side drops it or pulls them in.
People who get butthurt about internet aggressions, get mad at memes, have large egos, and get angry at negative comments: They fail to learn from the feedback, and instead fuel more viral aggression against them. People dehumanize them, and they dehumanize back.
The internet is simpler when you do the really weird and shocking trick of just like, treating it as talking with neighbors and other people in person. Because at the end of the day, this is just a medium between people, despite illusions to the contrary.

ia In 2004, Latrell Sprewell Turned Down A $21.4 Million Contract With The Timberwolves Because It Wasn’t Enough To Feed His Family. He Never Played Again And Went Bankrupt.

The NBA has seen some incredible stories unfold year after year. From players that went undrafted becoming stars to buzzer-beating game-winners, to off-the-court controversies. It seems like the league never sleeps and it’s even hard to catch up with all the things that happen.

One of the most surprising stories we’ve ever heard was about Latrell Sprewell, who was an All-Star and one of the best scorers in the league at some point but made perhaps the worst work-related decision in the history of professional sports.

Sprewell had a controversial incident with his then-coach PJ Carlesimo, who he threatened to kill and choked. Then again, he had another shot in the league with the New York Knicks, later being traded to the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Sprewell joined Kevin Garnett and Sam Cassell and the Timberwolves instantly became Championship contenders. Their Big 3 was unstoppable in the offensive end and it looked like they were ready to finally take a step forward and make the NBA Finals.

Fast-forward to 2004 when Sprewell hit free agency. The Timberwolves offered him a $14.6 million extension that could’ve made him amass from $27 to 30 million over the next couple of years but he felt lowballed and decided to respectfully decline their offer:

“Why would I want to help them win a title? They’re not doing anything for me. I’m at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed,” Sprewell said back in the day.

He bet on himself and ran out his contract but underperformed all year long. It’s obvious that Sprewell was expecting the Timberwolves to take their offer up a notch or draw interest from another team in the league, and given his character issues and his age, that just didn’t happen and Latrell Sprewell never played a minute of NBA basketball again.

Then in 2007, he left his wife, and that family he had to feed sued him for $200 million. He lost his yacht, defaulted his $1.5 million mortgage, had to pay over $3 million in taxes, and later lost his other house. We’re talking about a guy who made $97,060,000 over his career and now has a net worth of $50,000. That’s just incredible.

Calling Bullshit 1.3: Brandolini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle

Brandolini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle: “The amount of effort necessary to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.”

Course: INFO 198 / BIOL 106B. University of Washington
Instructors: Carl T. Bergstrom and Jevin West
Synopsis: Our world is saturated with bullshit. Learn to detect and defuse it.

The course will be offered as a 1-credit seminar this spring through the Information School at the University of Washington. We aim to expand it to a 3 or 4 credit course for 2017-2018. For those who cannot attend in person, we aim to videotape the lectures this spring and make video clips freely available on the web.

Former Secret Service Agent Shows You How to Get The Truth Out of Anyone | Evy Poumpouras

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now with with language there’s also
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things to look at in language just a lot
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of times it has to do with paying
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attention so if I say to you Lisa you
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know what time did you get home last
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night and you say to me well you know I
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usually get home around 6:00 did you
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answer the question but you’d be
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surprised how many people will let that
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go and they will move on I didn’t ask
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you what time you usually get home I
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asked you what time did you get home
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last night because people are trying to
44:28
avoid lying directly is that why they do
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it yeah snips through the cracks it does
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well look people we all know it’s wrong
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to lie so we don’t like lying so the
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most popular way we lie is through
44:39
omission we will leave something out we
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will be vague in our language and so we
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really want to listen to the language
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are people answering your question when
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you ask a question do they respond back
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with a question who me
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are you talking to me it could be a
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stalling tactic yes it’s me there’s
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nobody else in the room it’s just you
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and I who else would be asking you and
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to listening to the language that people
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use also another indicator is usually
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when we speak we’ll say I I feel this
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way I this I went here I that III what
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you’ll tend to see in verbal language is
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somebody who doesn’t use I it means that
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there’s a lack of commitment that
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they’re telling you something but
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they’re not committed to it so think of
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the sentence if I say to you miss you
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love you can’t wait to see you okay I
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miss you I love you I can’t wait to see
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you there’s more of a commitment on that
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latter one so you can possibly assume
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again assumption but the first person
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really doesn’t miss you all that much
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really doesn’t love you all that much
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doesn’t care whether they see you and so
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there’s so many clues and the things we
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say then also how we say them you know
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do people speak with conviction are they
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vague so when it comes to deception
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people who lie are typically vague
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because when you’re lying there’s so
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much more you have to remember there
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won’t be as detailed Wow yes that was
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far ago and everything is in the book
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that they can find everything is so much
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stuff but it’s all great stuff and it’s
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all it’s all the little things like
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there’s no gimmick there’s no like here
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just do these three steps you will know
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it’s it’s really understanding people
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studying human behavior look I’m
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fascinated by people and everyone’s
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unique and everybody’s different and so
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you want to learn people understand
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people and the more curious you are
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about people the more you’ll be able to
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read them and think what matters is to
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this person why would they lie to me
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well what would there be there what
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would be their incentive their motive
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and that’s where empathy comes in using
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empathy to understand somebody else’s
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perspective see the world not through
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your eyes through their eyes and even
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something simple as when I would do
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interviews with people I would sit in
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the chair the person I would be
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interviewing and would sit because I
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wanted to see what does it feel like to
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sit in this chair where are they looking
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what are they staring at is their window
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is their clock are they distracted by
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something what does it feel like so talk
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to people not the way you want to be
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spoken to but the way they want to be
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spoken to a way that resonates with
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and how do you do that by talking less
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and listening more because they will
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give you clues and insight to who they
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are mmm
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God that was fire that was amazing
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and I think I know the answer to this
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question because I think you just
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answered it but what is your superpower
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gosh my superpower I feel a lot you fail
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a lot yeah
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failure is my superpower the more I fail
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the more resilient I become and the less
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afraid I am of it
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failure is my superpower I love that and
47:57
where can people find you in your new
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book and you show that you’re on and
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everything that you’re doing
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so spy games is every Monday night on
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Bravo it’s 10:00 p.m. Eastern and
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Pacific and then 9 p.m. Central and then
48:09
my book is be called becoming
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bulletproof and honestly like all the
48:12
stuff we talked about it’s in there and
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I just took everything that I learned
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that I was privileged to be in the white
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house to be around these extraordinary
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people to go through all this training
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and my mindset was how do I help people
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how do I serve people I don’t want to
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write a book about me I wanted to write
48:27
a book that people could take and use in
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their everyday lives because all that
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stuff I use today with everything in
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relationships
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it was so vulnerable and there’s so many
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things that go on around us like how do
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we protect ourselves not just physically
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but mentally different people you know
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even people that don’t mean to harm us
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harmless and so how do you how do you
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navigate that world so it’s becoming
48:52
bulletproof you can get it on Amazon it
48:54
comes out in April and so I’m really
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excited about that because again like I
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just I want it to help people and I
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really think that’s a book that really
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can amazing and where can people follow
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you Oh common spelling Greek name hat
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then p oh um pou re s amazing we’ll put
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all the links in the show notes as well
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guys guys I have been waiting for this
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episode and dying to get this woman on
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for god knows how long and so I am a
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giddy child right now I’m so freaking
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excited that she was able to sit here
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and give all those words of wisdom go
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buy her book go follow her if you’re not
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following me follow me at Lisa Billy and
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if you’re not subscribe to this channel
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guys and you do
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I feel like this is bringing you value
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please please do click that subscribe
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button down there and until next time be
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the hero of your own life
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I have suffered from serious health
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issues for close to four years now and
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when I say I’ve tried everything well I
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pretty much have I’ve been to countless
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doctors read more books on health and
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change my diet change my lifestyle
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as a result show up in my business and
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finally able to improve my work
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performance and to be honest more
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what up guys Lisa here thanks so much
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for watching this episode and if you
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haven’t already subscribed keep that
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A.O.C. and the Daughter Defense

Sorry, Ted Yoho. Having daughters doesn’t get you a sexism free pass.

Brett Kavanaugh invoked it. Mitch McConnell used it too. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have each talked about it, and this week, Representative Ted Yoho joined their ranks: he, too, is now a member of the having-a-daughter-makes-me-an-ally-to-women — or at the very least, should-excuse-my-bad-behavior — club.

“Having been married for 45 years with two daughters, I’m very cognizant of language,” Representative Yoho said in a speech on the House floor this week, denying that he called Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the freshman Congresswoman from New York, a “fucking bitch” after a confrontation on the steps of the Capitol.

Mr. Yoho later expressed regret for the “abrupt manner of the conversation,” in which he told Ms. Ocasio-Cortez that her statements about poverty and crime in New York City were “disgusting.” But, he noted, “I cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family and my country.”

On Thursday, in a speech on the House floor that has since gone viral — in which she read the vulgarity into the Congressional record — Ms. Ocasio-Cortez said, “I am someone’s daughter too.” She said she’d planned to ignore the insults — it’s “just another day” as a woman, she said — but changed her mind after Mr. Yoho decided to bring his wife and daughters into the fray.

Our culture is full of platitudes about fathers and daughters: the Hallmark card, the weeping dad at the wedding. But invoking daughters and wives to deflect criticism is a particular kind of political trope — and one that’s been used throughout history to “excuse a host of bad behavior,” said the historian Barbara Berg.

The love a man has for the female members of his family, particularly his offspring, is presumed to have special power — to humanize the other half of the population, to allow him to imagine the world his daughter will inhabit. Sometimes, in fact, this happens. Other times, the Daughter Excuse comes across mostly as cynical ploy.

“As if familial affiliation alone equals enlightened attitudes towards women,” said Susan Douglas, a professor of communication and media at the University of Michigan. “It’s like claiming ‘I have a Black friend‚’ as if that makes you anti-racist.”

There is social science that’s shown there is something to being the father of a daughter.

In a study called “The First-Daughter Effect,” Elizabeth Sharrow, an associate professor of public policy and history at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, and her colleagues, determined that fathering daughters — and firstborn daughters, in particular — indeed played a role in making men’s attitudes toward gender equality more progressive, particularly when it came to policies like equal pay or sexual harassment protocols. The researchers also determined that those dads of firstborn daughters were, in 2016, more likely to support Hillary Clinton or a fictional female congressional candidate delivering a similar pitch.

“Our argument is not that it is genetics or biology, but that it is proximity,” said Dr. Sharrow. In other words: The daughters help the fathers see the problems they may have previously dismissed.

Witness basketball star Stephen Curry, who has written about how “the idea of women’s equality has become a little more personal for me, lately, and a little more real,” since having a daughter.

Or Dick Cheney, whose views on same-sex marriage shifted earlier than many might have expected because of his daughter, who is gay.

And yet.

Daughters influencing fathers’ views for the better is far different from fathers using their daughters as “shields and excuses for poor behavior,” as Ms. Ocasio-Cortez described Mr. Yoho in her speech.

It’s also different from fathers using them as “props,” as Dr. Berg puts it, to emphasize their alignment with women’s causes — or, by contrast, their disgust over behaviors perceived to be in opposition to them.

Consider Justice Kavanaugh, who — during his testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee about allegations of sexual assault by Christine Blasey Ford — spoke repeatedly of his daughters (as well as his wife and mother) and noted that coaching his daughter’s basketball team was what he loved “more than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life” — as if loving coaching and allegedly treating women badly as a teenager are mutually exclusive.

“Men have often pointed to their relationships with and love for some women — especially wives and daughters — to combat claims that they have mistreated other women,” said Kelly Dittmar, a scholar at the Center for American Women and Politics at Rutgers University. “We have seen this both inside and outside of politics, especially when men are subject to accusations of sexual harassment and assault.”

In the wake of the 2016 reports on comments made by Donald Trump on the now-infamous “Access Hollywood” tape, a host of fathers-of-daughters came out to condemn the behavior. Mr. McConnell noted that “as the father of three daughters” he believed that Mr. Trump “needs to apologize directly to women and girls everywhere,” while Mitt Romney said that the comments “demean our wives and daughters.” (It is perhaps worth noting that Mr. Trump, too, has daughters.)

Similarly, in response to revelations of sexual misconduct by Harvey Weinstein, both Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, who had worked with the disgraced Hollywood producer, expressed their disgust on behalf of their female offspring. We “need to do better at protecting our friends, sisters, co-workers and daughters,” Mr. Affleck said on Twitter, while Mr. Damon explained that “as the father of four daughters, this is the kind of sexual predation that keeps me up at night.”

Women, too, have at times invoked men’s daughters — and other female relatives — in trying to appeal to some men. When asked about Mr. Yoho’s behavior, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said: “What’s so funny is, you’d say to them, ‘Do you not have a daughter? Do you not have a mother? Do you not have a sister? Do you not have a wife? What makes you think that you can be so’ — and this is the word I use for them — ‘condescending, in addition to being disrespectful?’”

The caveat, of course, is the qualification. “Qualifying your outrage against misogyny as due to your role as a father or husband implies that, absent those roles, you would be either unaware of or unconcerned,” said Dr. Dittmar.

Or as Ms. Ocasio-Cortez put it: “Having a daughter does not make a man decent. Having a wife does not make a decent man. Treating people with dignity and respect makes a decent man.” Why should daughters still have to be a prerequisite to respect?