Recently I read a definition of privilege as, “thinking that something isn’t a problem because it isn’t a problem for you personally.” All my friends had the privilege of only knowing my ex partner superficially, and our mutual friends all thought he was great. None of them were interested in how damaging his private world with me had been because they couldn’t even imagine it. Your video explains this dynamic so comprehensively. Thank you.
06:14 “They’re a charmer in public. They’re a cruel manipulator at home.”
This is exactly an ex-friend of mine. He is so charming and charismatic. I didn’t understand why such a nice guy divorced twice. But I suddenly realized something is wrong with him. He often violated my boundaries and his first spouse ran away from home. So I decided to go no contact with him completely.
One of the hardest parts of leaving this type of relationship is trying to convince others what you’ve been through when you doubt so much yourself. It’s incredibly lonely. If you manage to find anyone at all that believes you, hold onto them! ❤
Oh my gosh. All my life I’ve been told I was being too sensitive – when what people were actually doing was emotionally abusive. Even my own family would say this to me. I need to be thicker skinned. Why should I need thicker skin when dealing with people who are supposed to love and support me? Crazy.
Hahaha! Yes my ex did the whole abusive thing behind closed doors and then the minute we were in public he became charming and friendly and funny with everyone and super affectionate with me (which made my skin crawl – so I’d shun his physical proximity, which only made me look like a b!tch to others) the difference is – I didn’t forget what he was like with me privately. I still knew he was a pig. His little act for the audience just made me loathe him more. What all this did made me feel I wasn’t worthy of his best behaviour or kindness. Knowing that he was nice to others but not me made me feel that I was lacking, because I didn’t know about narcissists 20 years ago. It wasn’t the ‘thiing’ that it is now, sadly for me. He’s long gone from my life, but the scars remain and self-doubt when it comes to trusting isn’t easily fixed.
This is my ex-husband. He’d actually go weeks without talking to me. I mean full on silent treatment and then at dinner with my family or our friends, he’d gush about how lucky he felt to be with me, how wonderful I was. So I couldn’t tell anyone because he was an angel and charming and sweet to others and in front of me. I couldn’t decide what was worse the emotional abuse or the physical abuse. I was 24. I’m 34 now, it has taken years to heal. Thank goodness for Dr. Ramani. Before her, I couldn’t name this… I even would wonder if I was wrong to divorce him. May God protect his new wife.