- One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”
- Dr.often brings me to tears I feel like she is the only person who truly gets it. I’m gobsmacked by the accuracy of her descriptions.
- I love how once you show you are fighting against baiting, narcissists will start trying anything to get a rise out of you.
- My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don’t you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
- One thing that a narcissist tell you when you’re beginning to analyze the situation is that ” you’re paranoid” or ” you’re crazy”
- Her final act of baiting was close to the end of a 7 year relationship and was with her at the wheel of an automobile with me as a passenger on a busy Interstate freeway. I had already been Grey Rocking and not taking the bait and she was in need of a hit of supply. Her driving quickly became aggressive and dangerous. It scared the crap out of me and I knew she was trying to get me to react. As tough as it was I just kept my mouth shut knowing there was really no right or wrong choice I could make in this situation. After this wild ride I never put myself in such a dangerous situation with her again and left the relationship soon afterwards.
- I caught that smirk on my parent narc many many years ago. It was almost like my narc was having an inner conversation congratulating herself for getting me upset. It was so blatant I just starred at her in disbelief and disgust. She came out of her self-congratulatory trance and saw the look on my face and suddenly went off on a tangent screaming that I thought I was better than her and how horrible I was. Truth is she was right, in that moment I realized how sick she was, and that none of it was my fault. That’s the first time I realized the sick game she was playing and that I needed to get out. Years later I stumbled upon stories of people with toxic narcissism and Dr. Ramani and finally connected the dots. What a relief to know I’m not alone and not a crazy loser!
- “Once they’ve stepped away, once they’ve disappeared, the moment you’re alone, cry and yell it out. Just don’t let them see it. Don’t give them that satisfaction.” What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you’ll ever have. And it’s ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can do it!
- It helped to record the narc’s episodes and listen to them when getting soft and sucked back in the vicious cycle. The narc’s new friends (future victims) that didn’t believe me because they had not experience the sociopathic episodes yet, were shocked. Yes that smooth charming, well spoken person, can be the most emotionally and mentally abusive individual if you don’t let her be in full control.
- Thank you! I just resigned from a committee because of this exact thing. One of the members was baiting and triangulating and as soon as I recognized what was going on, I understood that this was going to be the status quo and I walked. The bizarre thing was that it was all volunteer work and there was zero status to be gained. The power play accomplished nothing but making it impossible to do the work. It’s hard because you want to tell people they’re being played, but you know they won’t believe you. But I can protect me and refuse to participate.
- I know this video is a year old, but listening to it I’m hearing his voice again all over again. Word-for-word you nailed it. Now nearly two years after I left the relationship, it still hurts to hear those same words. He took it all the way, and when I didn’t respond, he then ramped it up, flinging ridiculous accusations at me, causing me to refute his claims when he struck that nerve. That was his touchdown moment. Sometimes I feel no closer to healing than I did in the weeks that followed my exodus. Yet I have to remind myself, look how far I’ve come in moving on! Look what I did in 2 years, things I dared not do before! It’s a struggle, the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for getting me to this point! 💜
- Following an argument with my narcissistic husband I was once ordered to visit a behavioural therapist on the grounds I was deranged, that I that had a ‘darkness’ in me and that I needed help.. I only went along with it to shut him up and get away for a while. I already knew I wasn’t the crazy one in the marriage. Anyway, following my description of him on an average day, the therapist asked me to invite him along for the next session lol. When I told my husband that the therapist would love to see him the following week and that there was nothing for him to be scared of, the sessions were cancelled and the subject of me being crazy / possessed was dropped 😂 (well, until his next meltdown happened).
- When dealing with narcs, I find it useful to turn the tables. Instead of getting defensive, I remind them that they are bothered by an issue within themselves, not with me. They should fix that issue. Perhaps therapy? Watch them go nuts! Be calm. Tell them to calm down. Be woke and leave the conversation as soon as they attack you. You are not the problem-do not be the victim, either. Bullies like a victim- do not be one. Do NOT get defensive. My sister and mother love to start a big fight, then when I got riled up, I could watch them smiling. I would shut down to avoid this. I learned to approach them like crazy people and calmly smile, shake my head and ask them what drama they endured today. Again, they went nuts because they feed on chaos. It takes practice and training, but you can live with them if you have to. Don’t engage in defense.
- My children’s father was a master at this. I became the crazy one who overreacted to his sick manipulative actions. Then he became the perfect parent who “never badmouthed” me and l the unreliable one. Frequently, such as having the children ask me if they could go skiing on the weekend they are to be with me then holding back child support so we were not able to financially do such activities. And of course l took the bait for soo long. It was actually his parents who came to my support. May they rest in peace. It’s taken me 45 years to just now understand this, thank you 🙏🏾
- When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
- This reminds me of my mother, especially the part where she accused me of things I didn’t do. When I moved far away, she tried to bait me, mostly by going after my boyfriend (making wild accusations about him), I kept ignoring her. When I was younger her baiting would work on me, and then she would gaslight. “Look at you! You’re always so angry!”, then she would go into full denial mood when I pointed out how she had just been acting. She would suddenly be all calm and claim, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything, you are. I’m just standing here.”
All told, there are three ways to manipulate the narcissist:
- To withhold narcissistic supply from him until he comes, hat in hand, begging for more and then you can name your price and dictate terms;
- To constitute yourself as a reliable source of high-grade supply and thereby foster in the narcissist dependence and adherence to your minutest needs and wishes;
- To take active part in buttressing and upholding the narcissist’s grandiose fantasies, to collude in a shared psychosis and thus render him amenable to your wishes and priorities as long as they seamlessly conform to his delusional narrative.
(From the book “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” by Sam Vaknin – Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://samvak.tripod.com/thebook.html.)
Rough Transcriptwelcome to thriver TV the place to breakfree from narcissistic abuse withquantum tools and understandings so thisweek’s thriver TV show is an importantone because narcissists are very verygood at making people like them most ofthem are very high-functioning andthey’re brilliant at appearing normalcordial and decent and this can spelldisaster for anyone else when their viewstarts and people look at you likeyou’ve got two heads when you’re tryingto explain it to them and people outsideof your relationship say that he’s sucha good guy and you can see them thinkingwhy is she so ungrateful and of coursehis is not gender-specificmany people outside of the family homelove the narcissistic woman becauseshe’s so accommodating hospitable andcharming and she’s always there to helpanyone in need plus she’s a marveloushostess usually so how can they believeyou when you are bearing the brunt ofnarcissistic torment behind closed doorsand I know that you might feel so aloneand powerless in regard to how thenarcissist is hoodwinkingeveryone else and no one but you seesthe truth but I promise you just as Idid there is a way to heal all of thisand then be validated and supported bylife and people beyond measure and thisall comes about as a result of howyou’re able to turn this around insideyourself for yourself first but beforewe do this the trauma of the streetangel home devil persona at thenarcissist is intense for people beingabused because not only do you feelisolated and misunderstood you alsoseriously start to doubt yourself and ofcourse you’re going to question whetherit is you in fact who is the cause ofall the problemsand you may even start to feel like Imust be imagining it and am I losing mymindyet we are certainly experiencing abuseand trauma at levels we thought we wouldnever go through which leaves us anxioustraumatized and intensely depressed andstruggling to function in everyday lifeso how do we get people to see what ishappening to us the truth is for awhilewe don’t how do we get people to realizewho the narcissist is we can’t becauseby trying to do this well we will infact only incriminate ourselves withpeople further which by the way is vitalto understand if you’re trying to warnyour kids you’ll get your kids tounderstand who the other parent is howdo we get people to support us and helpus heal we can’t and we don’t and ratherthan think this makes it all hopelessand you totally helpless it is in factthe exact opposite and I want you torealize that all of this is imperfect indivine order and as I go through thisdeep dive into this topic with youyou’ll understand why so I wanted firstof all talk about how and why thenarcissist is such a great actor andthen as always which is what I do I wantto bring the power and a healing backsquarely to ourselves the NASA’s earthis a false self which means that he orshe is a consummate actor a charadebeing whoever is required at the time toget narcissistic supply in the mostefficient and effective way I’m from avery early age narcissus know that toget attention and stuff which meansresources time accolades contacts wellsex whatever it is that’s required tofill the deep black hole inside themwhich no matter what it gets will neverfeel durably hole or at peace they knowthat people need to like andthem and it’s all to do with payoff it’sall to do with agenda it has nothing todo with true unconditional giving whichis this I give for the sake of givingand at the true quantum level giving isthis by giving to another I’m actuallygiving to myself because we are all oneand that’s why it feels so genuinelygood to do this because at the quantumlevel we are giving to ourselves howevermany people don’t operate at this leveland many people may do favors and gluegestures to create a favor Bank withothers yet narcissus take it a stepfurther they do it to get attentionacclaim compliment accolades budget fornarcissistic supply they do it so thatthey can emotionally survive becausegetting energy from the outside is somuch better than the energy that theyare experiencing on the inside becausethat energy is self annihilating it’sfull of the terrible devastatingemotions of shame and being defectiveand unacceptable and attention from theoutside which has to come through peopleis required as a temporary ongoingalways necessary buffer to offset thenarcissist in a being which isconstantly threatening to eat them aliveand this is why you may be horrified torealize that the narcissist is so muchmore interested in being wonderful toall and sundry than granting their ownchildren and family decency let alonedevotion service and care the reasonbeing there isn’t enough narcissisticsupply from being able to be extractedfrom giving to one’s family it’sgenerally expected that a father motherhusband a wife or a partner will becaring responsible and contributes tohis or her loved ones and isn’t going toget a red carpet rolled out completewith a fanfare every time they dosomething for somebody elsein fact healthy people get great joyfrom giving to their familyI’m making the people they love feelsupported and special but a narcissistsimply isn’t wired that way and you maybe horrified as to how childish andentitled and demanding they are whenthey demand your recognition forsomething that you’ve done way pastdesiring your healthy gratitude and ofcourse it’s nice to say thank you withinthe family and be grateful but thenarcissist want your accolades sorry heor she wants accolades and power andyour total acknowledgment without ofcourse acknowledging any of the thingsthat you do the bottom line is there isnowhere near enough narcissistic supplyinvolved to the narcissist to engage forreal in Family Contributionhe or she will at times pull out allstops for an agenda within the familyand all of a sudden be that caringgiving wonderful person but it’s notreal and it doesn’t last these times areonly when hoovering such as we hookingwith the spouse when he or she attemptsto leave the narcissist or will be foranother agenda the bottom line is thenarcissist must exert energy for payoffit’s a delicate balance between energyexpended in order to receive thenarcissistic drug narcissistic supply ifa narcissist gets cornered to do thingsfor the family and can’t get out intothe world to hunt more appropriatenarcissistic supply the narcissist isprecariously and dangerously pulledinwards to his or her self annihilatinginner being and will become low onsupply depressed manic and seething thenhe or she will need to get narcissisticsupply another way and this is when thepeople closest to the narcissist who tryto make narcissus behave like a normalperson someone who does give contributecomply and be a part of a team will thenbe lined up and batted mercilesslynow the narcissus has swish switchedfrom hunting positive supply to strikingout the negative narcissistic supplyit’s not about the accolades adorationand acclaim now it’s about getting thefeed of I am powerful and valid becauseI can affect you this severely it makesthe narcissist feel significant and evenomnipotent the narcissist alsotemporarily feels vindicated because heor she has punished you for threateningtheir very emotional existence by tryingto force them to be normal so hopefullynow you can understand why thenarcissist is non-compliant puts thingsoff doesn’t finish things at home andget so depressed angry and nasty whenforced to do tasks for you or thechildren and in such a stark contrastwhy they derive such pleasure and energyby putting themselves out diligently andconsistently for other people outside ofyour four walls so hopefully now youknow that there is no way you’re goingto get the narcissus to change he or shewill always hunt a narcissistic supplyand unless you become a fawning fool youare not that constant source in factonce past the honeymoon you willregularly be the dump master to bebeaten up and to project wounds onto andto attack and hurt and even if you dobecome a fawning fool you it still attimes are going to be the dump masterbecause you’re having a relationshipwith somebody who’s not interested inyou and the slightest and simply nevercan be because he or she only has theenergy available to balance the delicateand necessary regulation of narcissisticsupply to themselves so this means wehave to get out if we want the hope as ahappy and a healthy life so let’s takeit back to the start when I said for awhile we’re not going to get otherpeople’s support or them realizing whothe NASAand we’re not going to get them to helpus heal and I also said that this wasall imperfect and divine order and thereason for this is because the reasonthat we were attracted to and attractiveto and hooked into narcissus even whentheir mouth dropped is because we wereat that time under developed emotionallywe did not have a whole solid inneridentity who could be an adult in ourown body healthily generating our ownlife we’re instead dependent sourcinglove approval survival and securitythrough others approval and theirvalidation others and if people nowafter being abused by a narcissusgoddess supporters and Baptists then theentire healing shift the massive uplevel opportunity of narcissistic abusecould never be claimed and actualizebias and we would only back at squareone again still broken still susceptiblestill dependent and still beingprecariously prone to clinging on topeople even when they’re abusive so hereis the 100% necessity to become wholeself actualized non dependent and cleanyou to people even when they hurt usunable to steer our life healthily intoself-generative life-affirmingrelationships and easily walk away fromones that don’t match up it’s this weneed to become to ourselves everythingwe want to receive from others andplease no self partnering is never aboutbecoming an island people may think if Icome home to heal myself and I don’tneed to get my wholeness from othersthen I’ll never need people ever againthat’s true and that is exactly what youwant and I know that sounds totally likea dichotomy but it is true because whenyou are no longer empty and needy andwhen you are whole people healthy goodloving people will flood into yourexperience because you’re already beingand thatto them they match who you are in yourinner identity which is always what yourouter life is going to look like and youcan accept these people and you cansustain relationships with them untilthen that is not possibleand like my previous self you are only amatch for more empty and needy peoplenarcissus being the Big Kahuna’s andthese types of people so here is thething this is about dropping the needfor people to get you get who thenarcissist is and back you and help youheal and rather it’s about you doingthat work on yourself and then I promiseyou the street angel home devil thingand your experience will collapse on itshead did in my world narcissus numberone had others so convinced that he waswonderful and I was terrible one of myfamily members used to go to his placeafter I’d escaped to do resigning forhim my own son believed that I’ve beenhaving affairs behind everybody’s backsmy best friend had joined forces withhim and turned against mevirtually every single person involvedin my world who had believed him once Iso partnered and fully committed tohealing me turned away from him and cameback to me and I didn’t do anything atall to make this happen and in fact whenit happened I didn’t even need it tohappen because I was already feeling themost organically whole way ever had inmy life as a result of finally selfpartnering and committing to releasingmy inner trauma and growing myself up tobecome a healthy whole person and thepeople who were in his world asacquaintances he was still convincedthat he was wonderful I couldn’t careless about them I was already at thestage of knowing that he was merely andmagnificently a catalyst delivering mefinally home to myself and my healingactually had nothing to do with himanywayso of course in realities other than theone with me of course he’s going tocontinue on being the same being thisstorm of trauma that will hopefullyawaken others as well and my life nowawakened started to fill with morevalidation love and approval that I’veever known was possible tons more thaneven before I was abused because as thetotal key to make it happen I finallybecome that to myself so I hope thatthis episode has really helped if you’vebeen suffering the street angel homedevil stuff that we all didn’t have andplease come over to the blog and join inthe conversation with this which is blogBellini Tony Evans calm and until thenext little video that’s it for me fromsunny Darwin lots of love bye bye
It can feel like a great idea to call a narcissist out and tell them who they really are. But can anything good come of it?
It can be a very emotional experience when we find the information that allows us to understand why this person behaves the way they do. And even though the information is shocking it makes so much sense. All the pieces add up. And at this time it is very likely to feel an intense urge to tell the narcissist who they really are. In this week’s video we deeply investigate the urge so many of us have to call the narcissist out and let them know they have pathological narcissism … I’m going to explain why you should never act on the urge and what is the most beneficial thing to do for you and your healing instead.