What is “baiting”? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)


  • One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”


  • Dr.often brings me to tears I feel like she is the only person who truly gets it. I’m gobsmacked by the accuracy of her descriptions.
  • I love how once you show you are fighting against baiting, narcissists will start trying anything to get a rise out of you.
  • My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don’t you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
  • One thing that a narcissist tell you when you’re beginning to analyze the situation is that ” you’re paranoid” or ” you’re crazy”
  • Her final act of baiting was close to the end of a 7 year relationship and was with her at the wheel of an automobile with me as a passenger on a busy Interstate freeway. I had already been Grey Rocking and not taking the bait and she was in need of a hit of supply. Her driving quickly became aggressive and dangerous. It scared the crap out of me and I knew she was trying to get me to react. As tough as it was I just kept my mouth shut knowing there was really no right or wrong choice I could make in this situation. After this wild ride I never put myself in such a dangerous situation with her again and left the relationship soon afterwards.
  • I caught that smirk on my parent narc many many years ago. It was almost like my narc was having an inner conversation congratulating herself for getting me upset. It was so blatant I just starred at her in disbelief and disgust. She came out of her self-congratulatory trance and saw the look on my face and suddenly went off on a tangent screaming that I thought I was better than her and how horrible I was. Truth is she was right, in that moment I realized how sick she was, and that none of it was my fault. That’s the first time I realized the sick game she was playing and that I needed to get out. Years later I stumbled upon stories of people with toxic narcissism and Dr. Ramani and finally connected the dots. What a relief to know I’m not alone and not a crazy loser!
  • “Once they’ve stepped away, once they’ve disappeared, the moment you’re alone, cry and yell it out. Just don’t let them see it. Don’t give them that satisfaction.” What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you’ll ever have. And it’s ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can do it!
  • It helped to record the narc’s episodes and listen to them when getting soft and sucked back in the vicious cycle. The narc’s new friends (future victims) that didn’t believe me because they had not experience the sociopathic episodes yet, were shocked. Yes that smooth charming, well spoken person, can be the most emotionally and mentally abusive individual if you don’t let her be in full control.
  • Thank you! I just resigned from a committee because of this exact thing. One of the members was baiting and triangulating and as soon as I recognized what was going on, I understood that this was going to be the status quo and I walked. The bizarre thing was that it was all volunteer work and there was zero status to be gained. The power play accomplished nothing but making it impossible to do the work. It’s hard because you want to tell people they’re being played, but you know they won’t believe you. But I can protect me and refuse to participate.
  • I know this video is a year old, but listening to it I’m hearing his voice again all over again. Word-for-word you nailed it. Now nearly two years after I left the relationship, it still hurts to hear those same words. He took it all the way, and when I didn’t respond, he then ramped it up, flinging ridiculous accusations at me, causing me to refute his claims when he struck that nerve. That was his touchdown moment. Sometimes I feel no closer to healing than I did in the weeks that followed my exodus. Yet I have to remind myself, look how far I’ve come in moving on! Look what I did in 2 years, things I dared not do before! It’s a struggle, the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for getting me to this point! 💜
  • Following an argument with my narcissistic husband I was once ordered to visit a behavioural therapist on the grounds I was deranged, that I that had a ‘darkness’ in me and that I needed help.. I only went along with it to shut him up and get away for a while. I already knew I wasn’t the crazy one in the marriage. Anyway, following my description of him on an average day, the therapist asked me to invite him along for the next session lol. When I told my husband that the therapist would love to see him the following week and that there was nothing for him to be scared of, the sessions were cancelled and the subject of me being crazy / possessed was dropped 😂 (well, until his next meltdown happened).
  • When dealing with narcs, I find it useful to turn the tables. Instead of getting defensive, I remind them that they are bothered by an issue within themselves, not with me. They should fix that issue. Perhaps therapy? Watch them go nuts! Be calm. Tell them to calm down. Be woke and leave the conversation as soon as they attack you. You are not the problem-do not be the victim, either. Bullies like a victim- do not be one. Do NOT get defensive. My sister and mother love to start a big fight, then when I got riled up, I could watch them smiling. I would shut down to avoid this. I learned to approach them like crazy people and calmly smile, shake my head and ask them what drama they endured today. Again, they went nuts because they feed on chaos. It takes practice and training, but you can live with them if you have to. Don’t engage in defense.


  • My children’s father was a master at this. I became the crazy one who overreacted to his sick manipulative actions. Then he became the perfect parent who “never badmouthed” me and l the unreliable one. Frequently, such as having the children ask me if they could go skiing on the weekend they are to be with me then holding back child support so we were not able to financially do such activities. And of course l took the bait for soo long. It was actually his parents who came to my support. May they rest in peace. It’s taken me 45 years to just now understand this, thank you 🙏🏾


  • When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
  • I literally burst into tears when I heard this. You nailed it to the “t.”


  • This reminds me of my mother, especially the part where she accused me of things I didn’t do. When I moved far away, she tried to bait me, mostly by going after my boyfriend (making wild accusations about him), I kept ignoring her. When I was younger her baiting would work on me, and then she would gaslight. “Look at you! You’re always so angry!”, then she would go into full denial mood when I pointed out how she had just been acting. She would suddenly be all calm and claim, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything, you are. I’m just standing here.”


How to Manipulate the Narcissist (as told by a Narcissist)

All told, there are three ways to manipulate the narcissist:

  1. To withhold narcissistic supply from him until he comes, hat in hand, begging for more and then you can name your price and dictate terms;
  2. To constitute yourself as a reliable source of high-grade supply and thereby foster in the narcissist dependence and adherence to your minutest needs and wishes;
  3. To take active part in buttressing and upholding the narcissist’s grandiose fantasies, to collude in a shared psychosis and thus render him amenable to your wishes and priorities as long as they seamlessly conform to his delusional narrative.

(From the book “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” by Sam Vaknin – Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://samvak.tripod.com/thebook.html.)

Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You But Kind To Everyone Else

Rough Transcript

welcome to thriver TV the place to break
free from narcissistic abuse with
quantum tools and understandings so this
week’s thriver TV show is an important
one because narcissists are very very
good at making people like them most of
them are very high-functioning and
they’re brilliant at appearing normal
cordial and decent and this can spell
disaster for anyone else when their view
starts and people look at you like
you’ve got two heads when you’re trying
to explain it to them and people outside
of your relationship say that he’s such
a good guy and you can see them thinking
why is she so ungrateful and of course
his is not gender-specific
many people outside of the family home
love the narcissistic woman because
she’s so accommodating hospitable and
charming and she’s always there to help
anyone in need plus she’s a marvelous
hostess usually so how can they believe
you when you are bearing the brunt of
narcissistic torment behind closed doors
and I know that you might feel so alone
and powerless in regard to how the
narcissist is hoodwinking
everyone else and no one but you sees
the truth but I promise you just as I
did there is a way to heal all of this
and then be validated and supported by
life and people beyond measure and this
all comes about as a result of how
you’re able to turn this around inside
yourself for yourself first but before
we do this the trauma of the street
angel home devil persona at the
narcissist is intense for people being
abused because not only do you feel
isolated and misunderstood you also
seriously start to doubt yourself and of
course you’re going to question whether
it is you in fact who is the cause of
all the problems
and you may even start to feel like I
must be imagining it and am I losing my
yet we are certainly experiencing abuse
and trauma at levels we thought we would
never go through which leaves us anxious
traumatized and intensely depressed and
struggling to function in everyday life
so how do we get people to see what is
happening to us the truth is for awhile
we don’t how do we get people to realize
who the narcissist is we can’t because
by trying to do this well we will in
fact only incriminate ourselves with
people further which by the way is vital
to understand if you’re trying to warn
your kids you’ll get your kids to
understand who the other parent is how
do we get people to support us and help
us heal we can’t and we don’t and rather
than think this makes it all hopeless
and you totally helpless it is in fact
the exact opposite and I want you to
realize that all of this is imperfect in
divine order and as I go through this
deep dive into this topic with you
you’ll understand why so I wanted first
of all talk about how and why the
narcissist is such a great actor and
then as always which is what I do I want
to bring the power and a healing back
squarely to ourselves the NASA’s earth
is a false self which means that he or
she is a consummate actor a charade
being whoever is required at the time to
get narcissistic supply in the most
efficient and effective way I’m from a
very early age narcissus know that to
get attention and stuff which means
resources time accolades contacts well
sex whatever it is that’s required to
fill the deep black hole inside them
which no matter what it gets will never
feel durably hole or at peace they know
that people need to like and
them and it’s all to do with payoff it’s
all to do with agenda it has nothing to
do with true unconditional giving which
is this I give for the sake of giving
and at the true quantum level giving is
this by giving to another I’m actually
giving to myself because we are all one
and that’s why it feels so genuinely
good to do this because at the quantum
level we are giving to ourselves however
many people don’t operate at this level
and many people may do favors and glue
gestures to create a favor Bank with
others yet narcissus take it a step
further they do it to get attention
acclaim compliment accolades budget for
narcissistic supply they do it so that
they can emotionally survive because
getting energy from the outside is so
much better than the energy that they
are experiencing on the inside because
that energy is self annihilating it’s
full of the terrible devastating
emotions of shame and being defective
and unacceptable and attention from the
outside which has to come through people
is required as a temporary ongoing
always necessary buffer to offset the
narcissist in a being which is
constantly threatening to eat them alive
and this is why you may be horrified to
realize that the narcissist is so much
more interested in being wonderful to
all and sundry than granting their own
children and family decency let alone
devotion service and care the reason
being there isn’t enough narcissistic
supply from being able to be extracted
from giving to one’s family it’s
generally expected that a father mother
husband a wife or a partner will be
caring responsible and contributes to
his or her loved ones and isn’t going to
get a red carpet rolled out complete
with a fanfare every time they do
something for somebody else
in fact healthy people get great joy
from giving to their family
I’m making the people they love feel
supported and special but a narcissist
simply isn’t wired that way and you may
be horrified as to how childish and
entitled and demanding they are when
they demand your recognition for
something that you’ve done way past
desiring your healthy gratitude and of
course it’s nice to say thank you within
the family and be grateful but the
narcissist want your accolades sorry he
or she wants accolades and power and
your total acknowledgment without of
course acknowledging any of the things
that you do the bottom line is there is
nowhere near enough narcissistic supply
involved to the narcissist to engage for
real in Family Contribution
he or she will at times pull out all
stops for an agenda within the family
and all of a sudden be that caring
giving wonderful person but it’s not
real and it doesn’t last these times are
only when hoovering such as we hooking
with the spouse when he or she attempts
to leave the narcissist or will be for
another agenda the bottom line is the
narcissist must exert energy for payoff
it’s a delicate balance between energy
expended in order to receive the
narcissistic drug narcissistic supply if
a narcissist gets cornered to do things
for the family and can’t get out into
the world to hunt more appropriate
narcissistic supply the narcissist is
precariously and dangerously pulled
inwards to his or her self annihilating
inner being and will become low on
supply depressed manic and seething then
he or she will need to get narcissistic
supply another way and this is when the
people closest to the narcissist who try
to make narcissus behave like a normal
person someone who does give contribute
comply and be a part of a team will then
be lined up and batted mercilessly
now the narcissus has swish switched
from hunting positive supply to striking
out the negative narcissistic supply
it’s not about the accolades adoration
and acclaim now it’s about getting the
feed of I am powerful and valid because
I can affect you this severely it makes
the narcissist feel significant and even
omnipotent the narcissist also
temporarily feels vindicated because he
or she has punished you for threatening
their very emotional existence by trying
to force them to be normal so hopefully
now you can understand why the
narcissist is non-compliant puts things
off doesn’t finish things at home and
get so depressed angry and nasty when
forced to do tasks for you or the
children and in such a stark contrast
why they derive such pleasure and energy
by putting themselves out diligently and
consistently for other people outside of
your four walls so hopefully now you
know that there is no way you’re going
to get the narcissus to change he or she
will always hunt a narcissistic supply
and unless you become a fawning fool you
are not that constant source in fact
once past the honeymoon you will
regularly be the dump master to be
beaten up and to project wounds onto and
to attack and hurt and even if you do
become a fawning fool you it still at
times are going to be the dump master
because you’re having a relationship
with somebody who’s not interested in
you and the slightest and simply never
can be because he or she only has the
energy available to balance the delicate
and necessary regulation of narcissistic
supply to themselves so this means we
have to get out if we want the hope as a
happy and a healthy life so let’s take
it back to the start when I said for a
while we’re not going to get other
people’s support or them realizing who
the NASA
and we’re not going to get them to help
us heal and I also said that this was
all imperfect and divine order and the
reason for this is because the reason
that we were attracted to and attractive
to and hooked into narcissus even when
their mouth dropped is because we were
at that time under developed emotionally
we did not have a whole solid inner
identity who could be an adult in our
own body healthily generating our own
life we’re instead dependent sourcing
love approval survival and security
through others approval and their
validation others and if people now
after being abused by a narcissus
goddess supporters and Baptists then the
entire healing shift the massive up
level opportunity of narcissistic abuse
could never be claimed and actualize
bias and we would only back at square
one again still broken still susceptible
still dependent and still being
precariously prone to clinging on to
people even when they’re abusive so here
is the 100% necessity to become whole
self actualized non dependent and clean
you to people even when they hurt us
unable to steer our life healthily into
self-generative life-affirming
relationships and easily walk away from
ones that don’t match up it’s this we
need to become to ourselves everything
we want to receive from others and
please no self partnering is never about
becoming an island people may think if I
come home to heal myself and I don’t
need to get my wholeness from others
then I’ll never need people ever again
that’s true and that is exactly what you
want and I know that sounds totally like
a dichotomy but it is true because when
you are no longer empty and needy and
when you are whole people healthy good
loving people will flood into your
experience because you’re already being
and that
to them they match who you are in your
inner identity which is always what your
outer life is going to look like and you
can accept these people and you can
sustain relationships with them until
then that is not possible
and like my previous self you are only a
match for more empty and needy people
narcissus being the Big Kahuna’s and
these types of people so here is the
thing this is about dropping the need
for people to get you get who the
narcissist is and back you and help you
heal and rather it’s about you doing
that work on yourself and then I promise
you the street angel home devil thing
and your experience will collapse on its
head did in my world narcissus number
one had others so convinced that he was
wonderful and I was terrible one of my
family members used to go to his place
after I’d escaped to do resigning for
him my own son believed that I’ve been
having affairs behind everybody’s backs
my best friend had joined forces with
him and turned against me
virtually every single person involved
in my world who had believed him once I
so partnered and fully committed to
healing me turned away from him and came
back to me and I didn’t do anything at
all to make this happen and in fact when
it happened I didn’t even need it to
happen because I was already feeling the
most organically whole way ever had in
my life as a result of finally self
partnering and committing to releasing
my inner trauma and growing myself up to
become a healthy whole person and the
people who were in his world as
acquaintances he was still convinced
that he was wonderful I couldn’t care
less about them I was already at the
stage of knowing that he was merely and
magnificently a catalyst delivering me
finally home to myself and my healing
actually had nothing to do with him
so of course in realities other than the
one with me of course he’s going to
continue on being the same being this
storm of trauma that will hopefully
awaken others as well and my life now
awakened started to fill with more
validation love and approval that I’ve
ever known was possible tons more than
even before I was abused because as the
total key to make it happen I finally
become that to myself so I hope that
this episode has really helped if you’ve
been suffering the street angel home
devil stuff that we all didn’t have and
please come over to the blog and join in
the conversation with this which is blog
Bellini Tony Evans calm and until the
next little video that’s it for me from
sunny Darwin lots of love bye bye

Should You Tell A Narcissist Who They Really Are?

It can feel like a great idea to call a narcissist out and tell them who they really are. But can anything good come of it?

It can be a very emotional experience when we find the information that allows us to understand why this person behaves the way they do. And even though the information is shocking it makes so much sense. All the pieces add up. And at this time it is very likely to feel an intense urge to tell the narcissist who they really are. In this week’s video we deeply investigate the urge so many of us have to call the narcissist out and let them know they have pathological narcissism … I’m going to explain why you should never act on the urge and what is the most beneficial thing to do for you and your healing instead.