There are the things the narcissist KNOWS they want and there are the things they SUBCONSCIOUSLY want.
What the narcissist KNOWS they want
- Elevation of their status – Being with someone bright, attractive, successful, wealthy, connected, funny, or talented makes them higher value than they feel on their own.
- Resources – They want access to financial or other resources they otherwise don’t have.
- Loyalty – They expect you to confirm their story when you know they’re lying, to eliminate relationships with friends and exes, to put them before everything.
- Respect for their Boundaries – They expect you to not look at their phone, their desk, their computer or anything else they don’t want you to see. They expect you to not talk when they are watching TV or not talk to others by phone when they’re home.
- Unconditional Trust – They expect you to not ask too many questions and to blindly believe their ridiculous stories.
- To Be Right Always – They sometimes even say it. “I’m right. Don’t you agree?” or “If only you were educated on this subject, you would agree with me.”
- To Win at Everything – Whether it’s closing a tough client or beating a 5-year-old grandson at Tic-Tac-Toe, they want to win at everything.
- Compliance – They expect you to not rock the boat, to shut up and do what you’re told, from cleaning to sex to not challenging their obvious lies.
- Power and Control – Much like winning, they want to be in control. A covert narcissist may want to make it look like you are in control, but they want to be the puppetmaster.
What the narcissist SUBCONSCIOUSLY wants
Regulation of their emotions – They are unable to regulate their own emotions. Their dysregulation results in plummeting self-esteem and an extraordinary amount of shame. They expect you to prevent this from every happening. And if they feel low self-esteem and shame, regardless of reason, it is your fault.
Narcissistic Supply – Like blood to a vampire, they require supply for survival. They will do anything to get it.
Attention – They want to be the center of attention, be it through success, a gorgeous date, the car everyone is talking about, self-deprecating stories, or having yet another talk about their hurtful behavior. Positive or negative doesn’t matter. Attention is attention.
Validation – They want confirmation that their thoughts, words, and actions are correct. They want your approval. They want to feel that they are okay.
Admiration and Praise – They want you to see them as unique, special, and a catch.
Confirmation of Their False Reality – They want you confirm this reality to them and to the world. This validates the false narrative they’ve crafted since childhood.
Above all else, the narcissist wants you to see them as the person they wish to be.
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Is there a type of person that can actually get along well with a narcissist and form a lasting relationship?
Narcissists love long term relationships. They prefer them. It means they have a constant source of supply waiting for them at home. The best suited partner for a Narcissist is believe it or not, another Narcissist. They will naturally compete for the position of Master and play out the roles of Victim/Abuser Unwittingly. They will seek out other sources of supply, cheat, lie and play the game of trying to destroy their significant other, while equally destroying one another in a fight to the death hate match. They are each other’s karma. For some reason, their toxicity is best normalised in a relationship with a personality disorder much like their own. They can keep the lovebomb/devalue/discard cycle going indefinitely. They will look to drive the other away, only to realise they have met their match in that department and it’s like a Game of Chicken. Who will bail out first before it implodes. So yes. Narcissists will have long term love lacking relationships with other Narcissists. In doing so they balance out and normalise their own toxicity.
How do narcissists choose who’s going to be their spouse, best friend, lover, etc.?
- Narcissists make choices in regard to choosing people based on the following formula.
- Who will be the least demanding person when it comes to tapping into my resources while simultaneously being the most compliant when it comes to allowing me to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want.
- As you can see, narcissist adults have essentially the same needs, wants, and desires of as those of young children.
- Understandably, a five year old wants mommy to provide love, safety, and emotional nourishment while expecting nothing in return.
- What adult narcissists, time and time again, fail to understand is that having a young child’s mindset in the context of an adult interpersonal relationship ends up hurting not only themselves but also those people whom they lured into believing they were capable of adult intimacy..