Narcissists exist in systems, supported by enablers.
The narcissist had a tough backstory (which excuses their behavior)
They didn’t mean it. (How did the narcissist enablers know this) gaslighting
I didn’t have any problem with them. (Dismissive Invalidation)
(They had a different relationship with them. They are narcissistic themselves or good supply)
It will get better. Just be patient. (This is cruel because narcissists rarely change and the narcissist faces no consequences.)
It’s not that bad. (minimization, invalidation, gaslighting)
Stop complaining. They work really hard.
(They’re a good provider)
“There are two sides to every story.” Not when it comes to abuse.
“just think how much stronger that made you”, which is BS. The abuse didn’t make me strong. It made me insecure, it made feel worthless, it made me devalue myself.
“Look at the bright side!” “Quit being negative!” I know now that these enablers were narcissists themselves, criticizing and constantly attacking me for “complaining” and being “negative” about the abuse. These were my parents who got angry, then pushed me to feel guilty and ashamed for speaking up about the abuse from my partner until I stopped. As I was leaving him, he panicked and held me for there for nine days until a friend noticed I was gone and called police. He did monstrous things. My own parents (still his enablers) didn’t want me to cooperate with the trial. They used words like, “Show gratitude that you survived”, “Don’t call attendance to yourself” “Move on” “Stop Dwelling” “Pull your bootstraps up”. I testified at trial. He’s still in prison. My parents have had me on silent treatment for this since 2009, my father passed in 2016 and they convinced other family to be flying monkeys. They didn’t even like this man, they just expected me to be perfect and pretend to have a perfect life and relationship.
“Let bygones be bygones.”
“You are misinterpreting the situation.”
“That’s not what they said to me.”
“You are over reacting again.”
Bottom line: I’m wrong; the narc was right and so is the enabler. I’m the bad guy.
“You can’t control what she says to you, you can only control your reaction to it” = you must ignore everything
“Family is everything/Family first” = you must continually forgive and forget all the comments/inappropriate actions that a family member says, including denying what’s happening within our family and outside of it
“You aren’t an angel either.” Especially when highlighting reaction to abuse. When you were a child.
“Be the bigger person”. Translation: Shrink yourself to fit the narcissist’s agenda.
“Don’t put me in the middle of it.” When I tried to relate to them about the abuse happening right in front of their eyes.“That’s just how he is.”
My father (enabler) about my mother:“she just wants the best for you, it’s too much love that makes her do that (mean comments, controlling behavior, silent treatment). One day you will understand when you have your own children”.My oldest is 16 and I’m still wondering when I will understand her behavior.Thank you Dr Ramani for making things make sense for the first time in my life!