What are subtle signs you might be dealing with a narcissist?

Covert narcissists live in the world of subtle.

Let’s break down 4 of their subtle signs.

#1 The covert narcissist is a hero or a victim (or both) in EVERY story they tell you. This can be extremely subtle.

They may tell a victim story without sounding like they’re complaining. They may tell you the story in a self-deprecating way to get a laugh. It may be just a story about their day.

  • They went to pick up a lunch order for the office and when they got back, discovered their meal wasn’t in the bag.
  • They were walking down the street, so into their music, that they ran into a pole.
  • Their flight was delayed, and they missed their meeting.

An offender is not required for the covert narcissist to be a victim.

They may tell a hero story without bragging. These stories are often very matter of fact, and they downplay any accolades.

  • They helped an old woman find her car in the grocery store parking lot.
  • They solved a customer’s problem at work.
  • They stood up for you to their mom.

A covert narcissist’s ideal story allows them to be both the hero and the victim.

  • I was late to work because I helped an old woman find her car in the parking lot.
  • I stood up for you and now my mom is not talking to me.
  • I solved the customer’s problem and Tony got the credit.

Sure, we all tell stories about unfortunate things that happened to us or our shining moments. When you listen carefully, you realize these are the ONLY stories a covert narcissist shares.

#2 Their words don’t match their actions

  • They tell you you’re their top priority, then show up late for an important event.
  • They tell you they LOVE sports (because you do) but never watch a game.
  • They tell you they don’t like feeling impaired (because you don’t drink), then get drunk with their friends.

It’s even more subtle when their words don’t match their other words.

  • They tell you they’ve never had a good relationship and have struggled with trusting women, then ask you to marry them.
  • They tell you they don’t care about money, then suggest really expensive outings knowing you’ll foot the bill.
  • They tell you they’ve never felt safe with men before you yet are in touch with several old boyfriends.
  • They tell you that you can trust them with anything, then use your words to feel hurt.

The covert narcissist leaves you feeling confused or uneasy due to inconsistent messages.

#3 The covert narcissist cannot see someone or something as both good and bad at the same time. They cannot be hurt or angry and still love someone.

  • They either love their job or hate their job.
  • They either think their best friend is awesome and can do no wrong or, they have had it and never want to see them again.
  • They love their apartment complex, or they hate it and want to move.

The covert narcissist may flip-flop quickly, but they will not hold both viewpoints at the same time, because they lack object constancy.

A quick test of this is to ask a counter question, such as

  • Remember last week when you were so excited about the potential for growth at this job?
  • What about when your friend stood by you when your mom died?
  • Weren’t you saying how great it is that your apartment is so quiet and close to work?

The covert narcissist becomes irate when their viewpoint is challenged. It’s as if you’ve taken the other side.

#4 You make excuses for their behavior, if only to yourself

You find you’re trying to convince yourself that…

  • They just had a bad day.
  • They’ve had a rough childhood, so it’s not their fault.
  • They just “forgot.”
  • Maybe it was an “accident.”

Ask yourself, “If someone else did this (insert your friend, co-worker, sibling, etc), would you tolerate it? Would you call them out? Would you end the relationship?

When you find that you’re making concessions in your approach to this person, you may well be dealing with a narcissist.

Stay out of the fire.

Once you’ve been burned, it’s so easy to be burned again. It’s so common to go from one narcissistic relationship to the next.

They set it up perfectly — coming to your rescue, soothing your insecurities, showing you a beautiful future with them that will never materialize.

If you’ve been involved with a narcissist in any capacity — parent, significant other, family member, friend, co-worker — memorize the insidious signs.

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What exactly does a narcissist want in a relationship?

There are the things the narcissist KNOWS they want and there are the things they SUBCONSCIOUSLY want.

What the narcissist KNOWS they want

  • Elevation of their status – Being with someone bright, attractive, successful, wealthy, connected, funny, or talented makes them higher value than they feel on their own.
  • Resources – They want access to financial or other resources they otherwise don’t have.
  • Loyalty – They expect you to confirm their story when you know they’re lying, to eliminate relationships with friends and exes, to put them before everything.
  • Respect for their Boundaries – They expect you to not look at their phone, their desk, their computer or anything else they don’t want you to see. They expect you to not talk when they are watching TV or not talk to others by phone when they’re home.
  • Unconditional Trust – They expect you to not ask too many questions and to blindly believe their ridiculous stories.
  • To Be Right Always – They sometimes even say it. “I’m right. Don’t you agree?” or “If only you were educated on this subject, you would agree with me.”
  • To Win at Everything – Whether it’s closing a tough client or beating a 5-year-old grandson at Tic-Tac-Toe, they want to win at everything.
  • Compliance – They expect you to not rock the boat, to shut up and do what you’re told, from cleaning to sex to not challenging their obvious lies.
  • Power and Control – Much like winning, they want to be in control. A covert narcissist may want to make it look like you are in control, but they want to be the puppetmaster.

What the narcissist SUBCONSCIOUSLY wants

Regulation of their emotions – They are unable to regulate their own emotions. Their dysregulation results in plummeting self-esteem and an extraordinary amount of shame. They expect you to prevent this from every happening. And if they feel low self-esteem and shame, regardless of reason, it is your fault.

Narcissistic Supply – Like blood to a vampire, they require supply for survival. They will do anything to get it.

Attention – They want to be the center of attention, be it through success, a gorgeous date, the car everyone is talking about, self-deprecating stories, or having yet another talk about their hurtful behavior. Positive or negative doesn’t matter. Attention is attention.

Validation – They want confirmation that their thoughts, words, and actions are correct. They want your approval. They want to feel that they are okay.

Admiration and Praise – They want you to see them as unique, special, and a catch.

Confirmation of Their False Reality – They want you confirm this reality to them and to the world. This validates the false narrative they’ve crafted since childhood.

Above all else, the narcissist wants you to see them as the person they wish to be.

This answer is for informational and educational purposes only an…

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What are some key signs of a narcissist?

Spotting a narcissist from the jump is an important way to avoid loads of frustration and despair.

These early red flags alert you to proceed with caution or better yet, run away.

  1. The narcissist is over the top: They will tell you you’re so fascinating, amazing, beautiful, successful – whatever it is that they’d want to hear if they were you.
  2. The narcissist moves fast: They will tell you they love you, tell you they’ve never felt this way before, talk about moving in together, or even talk about marriage far earlier than typical.
  3. The narcissist lies about small or large things: They will tell their friends that you both were late due to traffic, when there wasn’t traffic; that their bonus was $5000, when it was $2000; that they rode 50 miles on their bike, when the two of you rode 25 miles.
  4. The narcissist asks or expects you to corroborate their story: They expect you to confirm the traffic, bonus size, and bike mileage, even though they are false.
  5. The narcissist feels nothing is ever their fault: There is always someone or something to blame. They missed the shot because the ball was wet. They didn’t get a promotion because favors snowflakes. They missed their flight because their boss didn’t let them leave on time.
  6. The narcissist is a drama queen or king: They live for drama. Even though they say they hate it, drama follows them everywhere they go.
  7. The narcissist tells you things you don’t want to know: They love to gossip. They’ll tell you their sister was raped, your co-worker has financial challenges, or the bartender used to be a woman. They share others’ private information in a way that makes you uncomfortable, wishing you could rewind the clock and not know this information all while wondering what they’re saying about you.
  8. The overt narcissist thinks everyone is jealous of them: Or at least they think everyone should be.
  9. The covert narcissist is a victim and a hero in every story: They’ve been wronged more ways than you can count. Each time, they were a misunderstood hero.
  10. The narcissist takes credit for others’ words and actions: You whisper a joke in their ear, they repeat it, everyone laughs, and they take credit. You purchase a bottle of wine, and they hand it to the host. (Think George Costanza and the big salad.)
  11. The narcissist feels they are right about everything: “If only you were more educated on this topic, I’m sure you’d agree with me.”
  12. The narcissist believes the rules don’t apply to them: They take up two parking spaces to avoid getting their doors dinged. They grab 3 cupcakes at a potluck when there’s only enough for one per guest. They skip in line.
  13. They become emotionally dysregulated, even if only for a moment: In that moment, you’ve seen them without their mask. You’ve seen their rage lurking below the surface, and it is scary.

Each item, on the surface, may seem small. This is precisely why most people don’t recognize a narcissist until they’re in over their heads.

When you pull back and look objectively at the big picture, you see dishonesty, lack of accountability, entitlement, love bombing, devaluation, and rage simmering inside.

That’s when you know moving forward will only bring you pain.

This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Though I am a doctor, I’m not YOUR doctor. Please consult a local professional for your particular medical and legal needs and circumstances.

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