Covert narcissists live in the world of subtle.
Let’s break down 4 of their subtle signs.
#1 The covert narcissist is a hero or a victim (or both) in EVERY story they tell you. This can be extremely subtle.
They may tell a victim story without sounding like they’re complaining. They may tell you the story in a self-deprecating way to get a laugh. It may be just a story about their day.
- They went to pick up a lunch order for the office and when they got back, discovered their meal wasn’t in the bag.
- They were walking down the street, so into their music, that they ran into a pole.
- Their flight was delayed, and they missed their meeting.
An offender is not required for the covert narcissist to be a victim.
They may tell a hero story without bragging. These stories are often very matter of fact, and they downplay any accolades.
- They helped an old woman find her car in the grocery store parking lot.
- They solved a customer’s problem at work.
- They stood up for you to their mom.
A covert narcissist’s ideal story allows them to be both the hero and the victim.
- I was late to work because I helped an old woman find her car in the parking lot.
- I stood up for you and now my mom is not talking to me.
- I solved the customer’s problem and Tony got the credit.
Sure, we all tell stories about unfortunate things that happened to us or our shining moments. When you listen carefully, you realize these are the ONLY stories a covert narcissist shares.
#2 Their words don’t match their actions
- They tell you you’re their top priority, then show up late for an important event.
- They tell you they LOVE sports (because you do) but never watch a game.
- They tell you they don’t like feeling impaired (because you don’t drink), then get drunk with their friends.
It’s even more subtle when their words don’t match their other words.
- They tell you they’ve never had a good relationship and have struggled with trusting women, then ask you to marry them.
- They tell you they don’t care about money, then suggest really expensive outings knowing you’ll foot the bill.
- They tell you they’ve never felt safe with men before you yet are in touch with several old boyfriends.
- They tell you that you can trust them with anything, then use your words to feel hurt.
The covert narcissist leaves you feeling confused or uneasy due to inconsistent messages.
#3 The covert narcissist cannot see someone or something as both good and bad at the same time. They cannot be hurt or angry and still love someone.
- They either love their job or hate their job.
- They either think their best friend is awesome and can do no wrong or, they have had it and never want to see them again.
- They love their apartment complex, or they hate it and want to move.
The covert narcissist may flip-flop quickly, but they will not hold both viewpoints at the same time, because they lack object constancy.
A quick test of this is to ask a counter question, such as
- Remember last week when you were so excited about the potential for growth at this job?
- What about when your friend stood by you when your mom died?
- Weren’t you saying how great it is that your apartment is so quiet and close to work?
The covert narcissist becomes irate when their viewpoint is challenged. It’s as if you’ve taken the other side.
#4 You make excuses for their behavior, if only to yourself
You find you’re trying to convince yourself that…
- They just had a bad day.
- They’ve had a rough childhood, so it’s not their fault.
- They just “forgot.”
- Maybe it was an “accident.”
Ask yourself, “If someone else did this (insert your friend, co-worker, sibling, etc), would you tolerate it? Would you call them out? Would you end the relationship?
When you find that you’re making concessions in your approach to this person, you may well be dealing with a narcissist.
Stay out of the fire.
Once you’ve been burned, it’s so easy to be burned again. It’s so common to go from one narcissistic relationship to the next.
They set it up perfectly — coming to your rescue, soothing your insecurities, showing you a beautiful future with them that will never materialize.
If you’ve been involved with a narcissist in any capacity — parent, significant other, family member, friend, co-worker — memorize the insidious signs.
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