How do narcissists “pick” their supply? Do they have emotional antennae that allow them to hone in on their prey?

There are certain people (I call them narcissist magnets) that are very attractive to narcissists.

Narcissists are attracted to distinct characteristics in a target.

Attractive: These people are physically attractive, successful, educated, wealthy, powerful, and/or connected.

They elevate a narcissist’s status, making the narcissist look better than they do on their own.

The narcissist tends to desire characteristics they don’t have in a partner. For an unattractive overt narcissist, this may mean marrying a trophy wife/husband. For a covert narcissist with an entry level job, it may mean marrying a doctor, CEO, or lawyer.

Compassion/Kindness: The narcissist seeks people with a big, beautiful heart.

They desire people who want to be sure everyone feels included and heard. Someone who sees the good in and wants the best for others. Someone who sympathizes with people who suffer challenges.

This person sees the world, and those in it, through rose-colored glasses.

Empathy: The narcissist seeks empathic people, those who feel what others are feeling as if it’s happening to them.

During the love bombing phase, the empathic target feels the hurt and emptiness beneath the mask, even though they don’t see it. They want to fill that emptiness with love.

Once devaluing begins, the empathic target feels the shame, fear, and worthlessness the narcissist projects at them. This is why it’s so easy for them to accept the projected thoughts, feelings, and actions as their own.

These characteristics are all gifts. They are outstanding attributes, in and of themselves.

Yes, these three characteristics are attractive to the narcissist. However, the rest depends on the target.

According to National Geographic Encyclopedia, “Magnetism is the force exerted by magnets when they attract or repel each other… To become magnetized, another strongly magnetic substance must enter the magnetic field of an existing magnet.”

In this case, our magnets are the narcissist and the target. They may attract or repel each other.

The narcissist-target duo only becomes magnetized (attracting each other) when you add one or more of the following.

Narcissistic parent or previous relationship: Those who have been groomed by a previous narcissist are magnetic to another.

The heavy lifting has already been done. You’ve already internalized the shame and worthless projected on you by the previous narcissist. It’s so much easier to sell it now.

You’ve been groomed in how to respond to devaluingpassive-aggressive putdowns, the silent treatment, the angry outbursts, the lack of self-responsibility. That behavior feels normal, familiar. Familiar attracts you to the narcissist. You have been magnetized.

Codependency: Codependency arises from your own history of trauma. That trauma has resulted in losing connection to yourself and instead attaching your sense of self to another person, a substance, even an object.

It’s also resulted in a great deal of internalized shame, which leads to seeking love and approval. Enter the narcissist’s love bomb – your magnet is not only magnetized, but also super-charged.

You’ve also learned to deny your feelings and needs. You attempt to control your feelings, avoiding feelings of anger or sadness. You avoid situations that are likely to evoke those emotions. You may control the behavior of others by people-pleasing.

You were taught to have dysfunctional boundaries because yours weren’t respected. Now you’re likely to accept blame that does not belong to you. Your self-criticism and self-blame make you the perfect partner.

What could be more attractive to a narcissist?

Fortunately you, the potential target, are in the driver’s seat.

You have no control over being attractive, compassionate, and empathic. Those are good things you wouldn’t want to change even if you could. They make you attractive to a narcissist, but a narcissist won’t be very attractive to you – especially if you’re aware of the tactics they use and recognize them for who they are.

You DIDN’T have control over being groomed by a narcissist previously or trauma that resulted in codependency. At that time, you didn’t see what was going on and didn’t have the skills or resources to choose otherwise. That is not your fault.

Now that you see it, however, you have the ability to change it, to heal your trauma, your shame, to connect to yourself again, to no longer be codependent. You can choose healthy relationships and create new patterns that become familiar. You can rewire your nervous system. And once you do, you will not find anything about a narcissist attractive. You will no longer be magnetized.

That’s powerful.

God Save America from Fearful Christians

Shrinking in the face of challenges to career and reputation communicates fear, not faith, to a broken world.

Back when I was in the religious liberty litigation business, I’d sometimes give my clients—especially my college student clients—a little talk that went something like this: “Your lawsuit is likely going to get more media attention than anything that your group does for the next 10 years, but that gets the importance of this moment exactly backward. Winning your religious freedom and maintaining your presence on campus is far less important than what you’ll do with that liberty. Your witness will ultimately define you on this campus, not your rights.”

I’ve thought often about those talks in recent years. The reason is simple—Christian liberty is largely secure, yet Christian fear is harming the Christian witness and damaging the culture of the nation we love.

A moment’s historical reflection should demonstrate that few political and legal movements have been more successful in the last 40 years than Christian conservatism. Through a combination of activism and litigation, Christian conservatives have not only achieved veto power over the electoral fortunes of one of America’s two great political parties, they’ve erected a veritable thicket of laws that protect religious expression in public (and even private) spheres.

Court decision after court decision has held that churches and religious organizations enjoy enormous autonomy (greater autonomy than secular organizations) in hiring and firing employees, and that autonomy is nearly absolute when it comes to hiring and firing ministerial employees. They enjoy rights of equal access with secular organizations to public facilities and (in some cases) taxpayer funding. Employees of private companies enjoy broad federal, state, and local protections against religious discrimination. Many of these freedoms aren’t protected by fragile 5-4 Supreme Court majorities. Instead, they rest on precedents decided by 7-2 and even 9-0 margins. 

At the federal level, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act secures religious Americans extraordinary protection against infringements on religious liberty through federal law. A total of 21 states have enacted similar provisions.

Decades of patient pro-life activism (protected by many of the court precedents referred to above) have resulted in hundreds of pro-life laws in states across the nation—including 288 laws passed between 2011 and 2015 alone—and are drivers in the extraordinary drop in the American abortion rate. The abortion rate is now lower than it was before Roe was decided, when abortion was actually illegal in multiple American jurisdictions.

Yes, I know there are challenges. I know that threats to religious conscience exist, especially for Christian institutions that engage in heavily regulated professions like foster care, adoption services, and health care. But it’s hard to think of a single developed country in the entire world that more robustly protects religious freedom than the United States of America.

Yet in spite of this liberty and power, all too many Christians are afraid.  Once again a time of social upheaval is elevating illiberal voices, and those illiberal voices have disproportionate power in America’s leading cultural, educational, and corporate institutions. Right alongside an extraordinarily welcome wave of reflection and anguish about the reality and legacy of American racism is a disturbing wave of intolerance for dissent from the most radical and divisive anti-racist ideologies.

In a searing newsletter published Friday, progressive journalist Matt Taibibi penned a cri de coeur against the illiberal left:

On the other side of the political aisle, among self-described liberals, we’re watching an intellectual revolution. It feels liberating to say after years of tiptoeing around the fact, but the American left has lost its mind. It’s become a cowardly mob of upper-class social media addicts, Twitter Robespierres who move from discipline to discipline torching reputations and jobs with breathtaking casualness.

The leaders of this new movement are replacing traditional liberal beliefs about tolerance, free inquiry, and even racial harmony with ideas so toxic and unattractive that they eschew debate, moving straight to shaming, threats, and intimidation. They are counting on the guilt-ridden, self-flagellating nature of traditional American progressives, who will not stand up for themselves, and will walk to the Razor voluntarily.

They’ve conned organization after organization into empowering panels to search out thoughtcrime, and it’s established now that anything can be an offense, from a UCLA professor placed under investigation for reading Martin Luther King’s “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” out loud to a data scientist fired* from a research firm for — get this — retweeting an academic study suggesting nonviolent protests may be more politically effective than violent ones!

Writing in New York magazine, Andrew Sullivan asked “Is there still room for debate?”:

In this manic, Manichean world you’re not even given the space to say nothing. “White Silence = Violence” is a slogan chanted and displayed in every one of these marches. It’s very reminiscent of totalitarian states where you have to compete to broadcast your fealty to the cause. In these past two weeks, if you didn’t put up on Instagram or Facebook some kind of slogan or symbol displaying your wokeness, you were instantly suspect. The cultishness of this can be seen in the way people are actually cutting off contact with their own families if they don’t awaken and see the truth and repeat its formulae. Ibram X. Kendi insists that there is no room in our society for neutrality or reticence. If you are not doing “antiracist work” you are ipso facto a racist. By “antiracist work” he means fully accepting his version of human society and American history, integrating it into your own life, confessing your own racism, and publicly voicing your continued support.

None of this is particularly new. “Woke” culture has spawned years of cancellations, terminations, and boycotts. It has also created a sense of pervasive fear in Christian communities. I’ve heard from friends even in deep-red communities such as Franklin, Tennessee, who are afraid to share their thoughts on social media for fear of corporate reprisal.

Sullivan is correct that intolerance is very real, but he’s wrong that present conditions are “very reminiscent of totalitarian states.” There is a substantial difference between state censorship—enforced at gunpoint—and the professional and social intolerance that dominates illiberal institutions. The East German Stasi would leave your body in a ditch. That’s a different universe of oppression compared to the harms woke America inflicts on its victims today..

Yet excessive fear reigns. My friend Rod Dreher’s influential blog has become a clearing-house for frightened Christian professionals to (anonymously) express their deep fears. Comment after comment will begin with the notation that the authors feels they can’t identify themselves:

“I am a full professor in the humanities at a major private university. Everyone on this blog would likely recognize my name if I published it here.”

“From a reader I know personally, and who correctly says she cannot identify herself: ‘Very few of us have practical freedom of speech anymore. Sure, the constitution lets us say it, but what good is that if it gets us mobbed?’”

I get correspondence like this all the time. And expressions of fear like this aren’t all that new. I’ll never forget the professor who spoke to me in whispers about his faith lest anyone overhear and threaten his tenure bid. I remember an extraordinary case in Georgia where the university Christian community remained largely silent as a fellow believer faced racism, rape threats, and death threats for defending religious freedom on campus.

As a matter of law, Christians are free. As a matter of fact, in many contexts across the country, Christians are afraid—and many of the people who are most in the grips of fear are those individuals who have thoughtful and reasonable things to say.

Rod points out that millions of Americans, repulsed by “wishy-washy” religiosity are seeking purpose in the “strong gods” on the illiberal left and right. It’s riots vs. crackdowns. It’s left-wing intolerance versus right-wing aggression. The reality hearkens back to the lines from W.B. Yeats poem, “The Second Coming,” that I wrote about two weeks ago: “The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.”

The fear of the Christian “best” is harming this nation. Millions turned to Donald Trump to fight for them, forgetting that a church that is supposed to be a source of salt and light should not empower malice and lies. The result, in Gen. James Mattis’s words, is “the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people—does not even pretend to try.” Christians put in power—and sustained in power—precisely the wrong man for this perilous moment.

Others, in spite of Christ’s admonition to deny yourself and take up your cross to follow Him, are not willing to risk tweetings when the apostles braved beatings. Their jobs are too precious to risk. Though they enjoy greater freedom from actual censorship than arguably any people in the history of the planet, self-censorship suffices to drive too many thoughtful Christian voices from the academy, the boardroom, and the office. But shrinking back in the face of challenges to career and reputation communicates fear, not faith, to a broken world. While the fearful Christian would never say this out loud, they’re functionally treating the “strong gods” of the partisan political moment as greater and more powerful than the God of the universe they seek to serve.

How do you respond to those “strong gods”? By showing them to be weak. Speak in the face of fear, but speak in the way that God desires. He has given His people a mission statement: “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Each element is transformative. Each element is necessary. Any Christian movement that lacks justice, kindness, and humility is flawed. 

America is at an important crossroads. There is a stirring in the American heart—men and women who were once hardened against the words and testimonies of their black fellow citizens are starting, at last, to listen. But extreme voices seek to hijack the debate, to take advantage of the moment to continue ripping this nation to shreds.

Are Christians prepared to be the instruments of justice, mercy, and humility that this nation so desperately needs? Not if they remain afraid. Not if in their timidity they continue to empower our worst voices or refuse to speak the truth with grace and conviction. Christians have immense liberty in this nation, but our witness ultimately defines us, not our rights, and presently the Christian witness is all too often a witness of fear.

A shameless plug … 

My new book, Divided We Fall, is available for pre-order, and I just got my first review, from Publisher’s Weekly, and it’s good! The reviewer called the book an “incisive examination of contemporary political polarization” and said this “well-informed and often moving account provides an antidote to the ills of political partisanship.” I’m grateful! And I’d also be grateful if you pre-ordered the book, either at the Amazon link above or at Barnes & Noble (which needs your support.)

One last thing … 

This new song, from Kristene DiMarco, has truly touched my heart. I hope it blesses you—in a time of uncertainty and fear, let Jesus rise:

Photograph by Robert Alexander/Getty Images.

The Miracle of Kindness (Chris Hedges)

Emir-Stein Center
50.1K subscribers
Evil, even in the darkest moments, is impotent before the miracle of human kindness. This miracle defies prejudices and hatreds. It crosses cultures and religions. It lies at the core of faith. Take a brief journey through the eyes of American, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Chris Hedges to Jerusalem, Gaza, and Iraq, and discover the sacred bonds that make us human.

Subtitles: 🇺🇸The Miracle of Kindness 🇪🇸El milagro de la bondad humana

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Script:
I studied Arabic four hours a day, five days a week, with my Palestinian professor, Omar Othman, in Jerusalem. We met in my house on Mt. Scopus overlooking the old city every morning. He would arrive with his books and something from his garden, olives, peaches, apricots or a bag of pistachios he would patiently unshell as we worked and then push towards me. Yom fil mishmish, we would say as we ate his apricots, literally meaning tomorrow will be good times and we will eat apricots, but given the long tragedy that has befallen the Palestinians, this phrase is converted into a wistful tomorrow will never come.
Omar, a polyglot who spoke German, Hebrew, and English fluently and who had worked as a teacher in the court of King Hussein in Jordan, was determined I would not only learn Arabic, but the politesse and formalities of Palestinian society. He drilled into me what to say when someone offered me food – Yislamu Edek – may God bless your hands, or when a women entered the room — nowar el beit – you light up the house – or when someone brought me a small cup of thick, sugary Arabic coffee — ‘away dime. A phrase that meant, may we always drink coffee together in an occasion like this.
Omar had a fondness for the Lebanese child singer Remi Bandali, a fondness I did not share, but on his insistence, I memorized the lyrics to several of her songs. He told long involved shaggy dog jokes in Arabic and made me commit them to memory, although sometimes the humor was lost on me.

In March of 1991 I was in Basra, Iraq during the Shiite uprising as a reporter for The New York Times. I had entered Kuwait with the Marine Corps and then left them behind to cover the fighting in Basra. I was taken prisoner by the Iraqi Republican Guard, who in the chaos – whole army units had defected to join the rebels – had ripped their distinguishing patches off their uniforms so as not to be identified with the regime of Saddam Hussein. I was studiously polite, because of Omar, with my interrogators. I swiftly struck up conversations with my guards. My facility in Arabic rendered me human. And when I ran out of things to say I told the long, shaggy dog jokes taught to me by Omar. Perhaps it was my accented Arabic, but my guards found these jokes unfailingly amusing.
I spent a week as a prisoner. I slept and ate with Iraqi soldiers, developed friendships with some, including the major who commanded the unit, and there were several moments when, trapped in heavy fighting with the rebels, they shielded and protected me. I would hear them whisper at night about what would happen to me once I was turned over to the secret police or Mukhabarat, something they and I knew was inevitable and dreaded.
That day came. I was flown on a helicopter to Baghdad and handed to the Mukhabarat, whose dead eyes and cold demeanor reminded me of the East German Stasi. There was no bantering now. I was manhandled and pushed forcefully into a room and left there without food or water for 24 hours.
I awoke the next day to plaintive call to prayer, the adhaan, as the first pale light crept over the city.
“God is greater. There is no god but Allah, Muhammad is the messenger of God.”
I went to the window and saw the heavily armed guards in the courtyard below. I did not know if I would live or die.
At dawn the women and often children climb to the flat rooves in Baghdad to bake bread in rounded clay ovens. I was famished. I called out in Arabic to these women. “I am an American journalist. I am a captive. I have not eaten.”
A mother handed fresh bread to her young son who scampered across the rooves to feed me. A few hours later I was turned over to the International Committee for the Red Cross and driven to Jordan and freedom.
Where are they now, these men and women who showed me such compassion, who ignored the role my own country had played in their oppression, to see me as a one of them? How can I replay this solidarity and empathy? How can I live to be like them? I owe Omar, I owe all these people, some of whom I did not know, the miracle of human kindness – and my life.

Tyler Cowen: On Being Conversation Partner that Draws out the Best

76:48
oh just interesting first of all how do
you manage to to have discussions with
both jordan peterson and at the same
time people like automated which are
totally of the different size of the map
and still be a look of the interview or
a discussion that partner by both sides
of the equation with some alienating one
of the sites you know a lot of people in
your position just like enough being
either clone of the right totally
election they can’t have discussions
that’s a very good question I’m not sure
I know the answer I mean my audience
probably has a better sense of that than
I do but you know I’ve had like
published dialogues with Paul Krugman
Jeffrey Sachs Dani Rodrik Larry Summers
there is basically all like the leading
left-leaning
economists and I just asked them like
would you do it and they all said yes
and none of them have been paid yet
either it’s not like oh we had to shell
out you know the box to get Paul Krugman
just asked him I guess I think he
thought he would get a fair treatment
and then when you do a bunch of these if
people feel the others have gotten a
fair treatment they’re willing to do it
too
but I’m genuinely mystified because you
know I never thought any of those people
would say yes so like through some way
in which I’m still miss perceiving the
world people
meet printed in the same newspaper as
some of the other people that you like I
think a lot of them see Jordan Pearson
is a really yeah you know I think I
approach those conversations trying to
learn from those people and not trying
to refute them so I try to refute myself
in a sense and that changes the demeanor
and the tone and I guess it’s working
for attracting the people like sometimes
readers will write to me and they’ll say
Oh Krugman said this Jeff Sachs said
that like how could you just let that
slide they want me to like fight combat
with them on every point but somehow
that’s not what I think it should be
like if their arguments have weaknesses
maybe those weaknesses will come out
more if I’m encouraging and drawing out
the argument rather than in just
refuting it and that’s been like part of
what my podcast series has been about
but again it’s still a mystery to me I
think sometimes just like if you do
things that other people think can’t be
done like they can be done so just do
them that’s a very naive answer but I
don’t think it’s totally off-base either
so we’re all like under investing in
just doing things because I didn’t
approach this with any kind of plan or
strategy whatsoever I just like asked
them and then did it and it’s gone
pretty well and it’s a very popular
podcast and it’s like famous writers
we’ve had in it like Margaret Atwood all
sorts of different people I didn’t think
would be possible Martina Navratilova
the tennis star Kareem abdul-jabbar the
basketball player sorry yeah so for them
it’s like a platform where they can
reach a quality audience so I’m like
giving them access to my audience they
value that and it’s kind of like a
challenge I sometimes say I approach the
podcast I try to make every person look
as smart as possible and
that’s actually a lot more intimidating
than when someone tries to make you look
as stupid as possible because you’re
used to that people trying to refute you
like you always have your comebacks but
80:54
the pressure on you and someone’s trying
80:55
to make you look really smart like
80:57
that’s a real challenge for people and I
81:00
think they somehow respect that or they
81:02
don’t get enough of it elsewhere and
81:04
they’re sort of keen to sign up and take
81:06
on the challenge like if I ask you the
81:08
hardest but sympathetic questions like
81:11
how well will you do and people like
81:13
that anyway I thank you all for coming
81:18
if you have been like any follow-up
81:19
questions ever you can just feel free to
81:21
email me my email is online and I’d like
81:24
to thank my hosts also for having me
81:27
here in Israel it’s been a great
81:28
privilege and I do hope to come back and
81:30
again thank you all for the evening
81:33
[Applause]