Narcissists exist in systems, supported by enablers.
The narcissist had a tough backstory (which excuses their behavior)
They didn’t mean it. (How did the narcissist enablers know this) gaslighting
I didn’t have any problem with them. (Dismissive Invalidation)
(They had a different relationship with them. They are narcissistic themselves or good supply)
It will get better. Just be patient. (This is cruel because narcissists rarely change and the narcissist faces no consequences.)
It’s not that bad. (minimization, invalidation, gaslighting)
Stop complaining. They work really hard.
(They’re a good provider)
“There are two sides to every story.” Not when it comes to abuse.
“just think how much stronger that made you”, which is BS. The abuse didn’t make me strong. It made me insecure, it made feel worthless, it made me devalue myself.“Look at the bright side!” “Quit being negative!” I know now that these enablers were narcissists themselves, criticizing and constantly attacking me for “complaining” and being “negative” about the abuse. These were my parents who got angry, then pushed me to feel guilty and ashamed for speaking up about the abuse from my partner until I stopped. As I was leaving him, he panicked and held me for there for nine days until a friend noticed I was gone and called police. He did monstrous things. My own parents (still his enablers) didn’t want me to cooperate with the trial. They used words like, “Show gratitude that you survived”, “Don’t call attendance to yourself” “Move on” “Stop Dwelling” “Pull your bootstraps up”. I testified at trial. He’s still in prison. My parents have had me on silent treatment for this since 2009, my father passed in 2016 and they convinced other family to be flying monkeys. They didn’t even like this man, they just expected me to be perfect and pretend to have a perfect life and relationship.
“Let bygones be bygones.”“You are misinterpreting the situation.”“That’s not what they said to me.”“You are over reacting again.”Bottom line: I’m wrong; the narc was right and so is the enabler. I’m the bad guy.“You can’t control what she says to you, you can only control your reaction to it” = you must ignore everything“Family is everything/Family first” = you must continually forgive and forget all the comments/inappropriate actions that a family member says, including denying what’s happening within our family and outside of it“You aren’t an angel either.” Especially when highlighting reaction to abuse. When you were a child.“Be the bigger person”. Translation: Shrink yourself to fit the narcissist’s agenda.“Don’t put me in the middle of it.” When I tried to relate to them about the abuse happening right in front of their eyes. “That’s just how he is.”My father (enabler) about my mother: “she just wants the best for you, it’s too much love that makes her do that (mean comments, controlling behavior, silent treatment). One day you will understand when you have your own children”. My oldest is 16 and I’m still wondering when I will understand her behavior. Thank you Dr Ramani for making things make sense for the first time in my life!
What is “baiting”? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
- One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”
- Dr.often brings me to tears I feel like she is the only person who truly gets it. I’m gobsmacked by the accuracy of her descriptions.
- I love how once you show you are fighting against baiting, narcissists will start trying anything to get a rise out of you.
- My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don’t you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
- One thing that a narcissist tell you when you’re beginning to analyze the situation is that ” you’re paranoid” or ” you’re crazy”
- Her final act of baiting was close to the end of a 7 year relationship and was with her at the wheel of an automobile with me as a passenger on a busy Interstate freeway. I had already been Grey Rocking and not taking the bait and she was in need of a hit of supply. Her driving quickly became aggressive and dangerous. It scared the crap out of me and I knew she was trying to get me to react. As tough as it was I just kept my mouth shut knowing there was really no right or wrong choice I could make in this situation. After this wild ride I never put myself in such a dangerous situation with her again and left the relationship soon afterwards.
- I caught that smirk on my parent narc many many years ago. It was almost like my narc was having an inner conversation congratulating herself for getting me upset. It was so blatant I just starred at her in disbelief and disgust. She came out of her self-congratulatory trance and saw the look on my face and suddenly went off on a tangent screaming that I thought I was better than her and how horrible I was. Truth is she was right, in that moment I realized how sick she was, and that none of it was my fault. That’s the first time I realized the sick game she was playing and that I needed to get out. Years later I stumbled upon stories of people with toxic narcissism and Dr. Ramani and finally connected the dots. What a relief to know I’m not alone and not a crazy loser!
- “Once they’ve stepped away, once they’ve disappeared, the moment you’re alone, cry and yell it out. Just don’t let them see it. Don’t give them that satisfaction.” What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you’ll ever have. And it’s ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can do it!
- It helped to record the narc’s episodes and listen to them when getting soft and sucked back in the vicious cycle. The narc’s new friends (future victims) that didn’t believe me because they had not experience the sociopathic episodes yet, were shocked. Yes that smooth charming, well spoken person, can be the most emotionally and mentally abusive individual if you don’t let her be in full control.
- Thank you! I just resigned from a committee because of this exact thing. One of the members was baiting and triangulating and as soon as I recognized what was going on, I understood that this was going to be the status quo and I walked. The bizarre thing was that it was all volunteer work and there was zero status to be gained. The power play accomplished nothing but making it impossible to do the work. It’s hard because you want to tell people they’re being played, but you know they won’t believe you. But I can protect me and refuse to participate.
- I know this video is a year old, but listening to it I’m hearing his voice again all over again. Word-for-word you nailed it. Now nearly two years after I left the relationship, it still hurts to hear those same words. He took it all the way, and when I didn’t respond, he then ramped it up, flinging ridiculous accusations at me, causing me to refute his claims when he struck that nerve. That was his touchdown moment. Sometimes I feel no closer to healing than I did in the weeks that followed my exodus. Yet I have to remind myself, look how far I’ve come in moving on! Look what I did in 2 years, things I dared not do before! It’s a struggle, the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for getting me to this point! 💜
- Following an argument with my narcissistic husband I was once ordered to visit a behavioural therapist on the grounds I was deranged, that I that had a ‘darkness’ in me and that I needed help.. I only went along with it to shut him up and get away for a while. I already knew I wasn’t the crazy one in the marriage. Anyway, following my description of him on an average day, the therapist asked me to invite him along for the next session lol. When I told my husband that the therapist would love to see him the following week and that there was nothing for him to be scared of, the sessions were cancelled and the subject of me being crazy / possessed was dropped 😂 (well, until his next meltdown happened).
- When dealing with narcs, I find it useful to turn the tables. Instead of getting defensive, I remind them that they are bothered by an issue within themselves, not with me. They should fix that issue. Perhaps therapy? Watch them go nuts! Be calm. Tell them to calm down. Be woke and leave the conversation as soon as they attack you. You are not the problem-do not be the victim, either. Bullies like a victim- do not be one. Do NOT get defensive. My sister and mother love to start a big fight, then when I got riled up, I could watch them smiling. I would shut down to avoid this. I learned to approach them like crazy people and calmly smile, shake my head and ask them what drama they endured today. Again, they went nuts because they feed on chaos. It takes practice and training, but you can live with them if you have to. Don’t engage in defense.
- My children’s father was a master at this. I became the crazy one who overreacted to his sick manipulative actions. Then he became the perfect parent who “never badmouthed” me and l the unreliable one. Frequently, such as having the children ask me if they could go skiing on the weekend they are to be with me then holding back child support so we were not able to financially do such activities. And of course l took the bait for soo long. It was actually his parents who came to my support. May they rest in peace. It’s taken me 45 years to just now understand this, thank you 🙏🏾
- When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
- This reminds me of my mother, especially the part where she accused me of things I didn’t do. When I moved far away, she tried to bait me, mostly by going after my boyfriend (making wild accusations about him), I kept ignoring her. When I was younger her baiting would work on me, and then she would gaslight. “Look at you! You’re always so angry!”, then she would go into full denial mood when I pointed out how she had just been acting. She would suddenly be all calm and claim, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything, you are. I’m just standing here.”
Narcissistic pseudo spirituality
Why Millennials Are Quitting Their Jobs | Great Resignation + r/antiwork
0:00 – Why are so many Americans quitting their jobs?
2:04 – The Internet is the great equalizer
4:28– People are realizing there are better options
7:16 – How COVID has contributed?
10:25 – People are realizing what they NEED to survive
15:21 – This is happening on every rung of the corporate ladder
17:44 – Some employers recognize what employees want
19:36 – Invalidating working experience
23:12 – Only addressing the perception of the problem
24:56 – Corporations being held accountable
26:34 – Selection Pressure
29:24 – “They haven’t earned it”
32:31 – Evolutionary systems