What is it about an INTJ that makes them seem selfish in the end even when we feel warm and loving toward them?

INTJs seem selfish because they have established their own parameters for giving—giving of themselves, giving of the fruits of their labor, sharing their knowledge or other gifts they possess. These parameters influence all aspects of their giving to others.

These parameters generally include a vital element best described as worthiness.

Is the recipient worthy of what the INTJ is contemplating sharing or giving? This worthiness is informed by the INTJ’s own unique value system.

For example: The INTJ may believe that those who will not work do not deserve a handout from the INTJ resources; however, those who are willing to work may be the beneficiary of a chance for employment at INTJ’s business, even if there are no job openings. INTJ will find a way to employ a willing worker down on his luck, for only as long as that person gives his best on the job.

To some—those who believe a person does not have the right to exploit his own property or resources according to his values and choices—this could appear selfish. But INTJ sees a larger picture. By implementing these parameters in their giving, INTJ can sustain jobs for multiple worthy individuals for a longer time than they could by simply giving their resources to other, less deserving individuals who would not appreciate the gift enough to use it to get back on their own feet.

In relationships, a person must prove himself/herself worthy of the commitment INTJ would make before the INTJ will give of himself/herself without reservation. INTJ is extremely loyal, but only to those who have earned that loyalty. This could also appear selfish to some. To others, this is a healthy form of self-care.

INTJ will not give more to any endeavor than the other party is willing to contribute to that shared endeavor. INTJ will not carry the entire load, because that is a drain on resources and energy and the return on that investment results in a negative balance. INTJ is not inclined to give to their own detriment without a very good reason. This is not selfish, it is prudent self-care.