INTJs seem a bit odd to others. It is as if they have very little to say most of the time, but when they speak they “know” they are right. For most people this seems like INTJs spend a lot of time being mysterious then come across as arrogant when they choose to speak.
What is actually happening is that INTJs build these really complicated, fact stacked on fact, knowledge models in their heads and, unlike the vast majority of people, don’t talk about stuff they don’t know much about. When they do talk it is because their fact-model is relevant and they “know” the answer – it all stacks up.
INTJs are not mysterious, they are just a lot more sensible than most people – and because most people don’t want to be sensible too they like to see INTJs as mysterious – this allows them to happily keep making stuff up and ignoring evidence etc.
Note: as an ENTP I make stuff up lots of the time, but I am well aware I am being lazy and ignorant when I do – I don’t argue with INTJs unless I have very strong evidence 😉
What will an INTJ never tell you that you will just need to know?
Remember when you were in school, and the math teacher told you to “show your work”? Yeah…INTJs don’t do that.
In real life, this extrapolates down to coming up with the answer to a problem, thinking 12 steps ahead, and announcing that something needs to be done, but the “something” ends up sounding like a non-sequeter.
Example: my mom was in the hospital. She was told she could only be released if we had access to a wheelchair.
My first comment after hearing this: “ We’ll need to move the table in the foyer.”
My mom and husband looked at me like I had three heads. Why would the table matter? She’s sick and can’t walk.
But in my brain, the solution went like this: rent a wheelchair, get her to the car, park in handicap space, get her in the wheelchair, wheel her to the front door. Foyer has a side table, and the amount of space left between the table and the opposite wall isn’t wide enough for the wheelchair to pass. We have to move it before we try to get her in the door. That was the only part of the solution that involved doing something other than getting my mom and her wheelchair in the house, so that was the one part of the plan that needed to be attended first.
Thus I only announced that part of the plan out loud.
I forget that other people won’t necessarily follow my logic train. I forget to tell people how I reached my conclusions.
INTJs are problem solvers. But, we often forget to tell people how we reached our conclusions. We won’t tell you how we reached our conclusions because to us, it’s too obvious to say out loud.
You’ll have to put up with seemingly random comments and just accept that we’re not crazy and that we do, in fact, have a plan.
We won’t tell you that we have feelings about an event or topic unless you ask, and even then we have to trust you before we’ll be honest about whwat those feelings are. We also often won’t verbally tell you if we’re having a bad day, if we’re upset, if we’re sad or lonely or distressed. We generally assume it’s obvious through our actions, just like we observe and deduce so much about other people. To us it seems that it must be obvious. We forget others don’t observe as much as we do.
We also won’t tell you that we occasionally need alone time — again, we’ll just act and expect that you are smart enough (and trust us enough) not to take offense and to judge our actions.
If we’re in pain or not feeling well, we’ll often just handle it ourselves. You may not know until long after that it happened at all.
And unfortunately we probably don’t communicate enough how much we care about you. We feel that we are declaring it in the most obvious of terms by spending our time and attention on you. We do things for you, things we don’t enjoy, we put up with people, we share our lives and space with you. For an INTJ, that’s equivalent to shouting our feelings from the rooftops. It can get confusing to us, and sometimes a little upsetting, that you don’t SEE that from us. But we also have to learn that other people need verbalizations, and we have to learn to offer those.
We give the bare minimum information when talking, thinking it’s enough for the other person to understand what we are talking about, which mostly leads to misunderstandings.
This can happen in everything, the amount is different for each person, for example, i express my feelings well enough (or that is what i think). For someone it might be when someone is talking about their feelings, what they think, what they want to teach you.
So basically, its like common sense that when an INTJ is talking to you, if you feel something doesn’t feel right, just ask them for explanation. If you think something is missing or you don’t understand something, just ask about it.
When an INTJ jumps in to give you advice and tries to solve your problems, it isn’t (usually) intended to be condescending, or even especially bossy. Solving problems is one of our main modes. We want to do research and tell you the best options!
If you just want sympathy or someone to listen, you are probably going to need to say that upfront.
This is demonstratively confusing/thought of as “rude” by- but I can say with certainty that many of the comments (I would like to call them “insights”) that INTJs choose to voice to others are meant as offerings of possible shared interests, or to be of help. These observations must come off to others as judgmental, or that the INTJ is a know-it-all.
Why are INTJs so misunderstood?
My fiancee is an INTJ and i am INFJ. So i will speak for my self as a person engages to an INTJ. INTJs are frequently misunderstood because they lack the ability to express their emotion openly. Not all people have encountered MBTI, so they don’t know that INTJs’ lack of emotional expression doesn’t mean they don’t have emotions. We, human beings in general are visual-driven creatures, thus, “what we see is what we get”. However, there are people who have the ability to see-through right into the INTJs core — INFJs (again, I’m speaking for myself). Unfortunately, INFJs are rare, rarer than INTJs. So the probability of finding the people that understands INTJs is so slim. INTJs will always be misunderstood because majority of the people doesn’t have the capability to debunk them. But once somebody get through their layers of shells — it’s like winning a lottery! Because they are like a treasure deeply hidden under the ground. For those people who misunderstood INTJs – let them be! Continue to be who YOU are. 💋
INTJs, what exactly do you want and why?
As an INTJ I really want honesty to be honest. I want people to be rational, to say things the way they actually are instead of being “nice” and trying not to hurt.
I also want to be free and live on my own terms and conditions without no one telling me who, what, when, where, why I do whatever the hell I do in my life.
I also want to know EVERYTHING, good and bad about this world. I feel like TOO MUCH things are hidden from us and though the reality might not be all pink vanilla roses, i’d rather know everything than blindly and illogically believe what people want me to believe.
I also want to be understood more. Very few people understand me and most just say I’m crazy… for what?
So yeah and unfortunately, that’s the sort of thing I may never get.