What are some strengths and weaknesses of INTJs in relationships?

I’ll start with the weaknesses because those can be staggering. Inability to trust without knowing a person really, really well is a big one. I might trust a person with my life and my wallet and bank account before I trust that person with my heart. This can be a serious problem in therapy but if you want to get close to an INTJ you need to understand this very important difference.

Part of the reason for this distrust is that:

  1. INTJ’s feelings are so sensitive and they don’t like getting hurt any more than anyone else. Yet they do get hurt really deeply so easily.
  2. navigating relationships is like walking into a forest blind. INTJ’s know that one wrong step is going to get them hurt badly but they haven’t a clue how to prevent it.

As for strength, their biggest strength in relationships is loyalty to those who do finally prove themselves trustworthy and earn their trust. I read that all the time. Not that the INTJ is likely to make a verbal statement that “You have earned my trust.” However, if they express disappointment in you, you can be pretty sure you made it into the inner circle or very close to it. Otherwise, they would not bother; they’d just decide, “This person isn’t worth my time and effort,” and move on, ignoring you.

The expression of disappointment is an effort to solve a problem, and most of all, to save the relationship. If you want better methods of solving relationship problems you may have to coach us in the exact method you prefer. But don’t do the coaching on the spot before you’re back in this person’s good graces. Remember those sensitive feelings that are shown only to you and a select few other trusted individuals.

Why are INTJs so loyal?

I tend to think the reasoning that leads mature INTJs (yes, that truly makes a difference here), to both offer, and expect, loyalty is written into the core values that distinguish INTJs from the other 97% of the population.

A lack of loyalty is nothing more than a pretentious waste of time, energy, and effort. It’s pointless. Tiresome. Senseless drama. Inefficient.

The inability to accept somebody, (even oneself), sets the bar of expectations at having to hit a moving target. And, that isn’t very practical.

So, here’s where loyalty enters into the equasion. To let somebody in, there has to be an element of trust. There has to be compromise, understanding, a shared desire to improve, to grow, to accomplish something together that would not otherwise be possible.

That requires effort, consistency, loyalty.

INTJs are so incredibly loyal because they are typically very far-sighted. There is an objective in mind. There is a plan in place towards reaching that goal. There are many contingencies written in to the plan in some kind of forethought attempt at minimizing the impact of whatever surprises may appear..

It directly ties in to that greater good of the whole mentality. Once a person is invited to share in that journey with the INTJ, they offer the pinnacle of loyalty because they expect reciprocation of that same effort and self-sacrifice.. Why?

Because that is where the growth can be found. That is where things are real and potential magically becomes something tangible. Where plans transform into accomplishments.

Trust opens the first door. Loyalty opens eternity.

Immature INTJs are busy trying to figure out their identies, their purpose, their uncomfortable differences with the world. And, there is nothing wrong with that. Learning how life works is a necessary evil. Reguardless of personality type, the road to maturity is paved with lessons learned.

The short answer is that INTJs are loyal because they know betrayal is the ultimate insult. Surely if one tries hard enough and gives their best effort it must be worth something. And, if an INTJ didn’t feel that was a chance worth taking, they would have invested themselves elsewhere.

Loyalty is a double edged sword. There are a few ships I should have jumped overboard from long before I sunk with them. But, even if I could, I still wouldn’t change any of it.

That is the path to maturity. I found my sense of purpose and what is truly important to me. And, as an added bonus, by being loyal to my own principles, I am no longer chasing moving targets. Not worth my time to play that game.