to racially profile is a product of gender as well as race. If policemen are using Terry stops and frisks to play the game of “who’s the man?” rather than just to gather evidence of crime, then we need to change the gender dynamics of policing. I propose that we do so by changing the cultures of police forces. This can be achieved by establishing extensive training programs designed to root out the attitudes and rituals that perpetuate a macho police culture.2 ° In order to demonstrate that the Terry doctrine’s promotion of masculinity contests is a problem that ought to be addressed by training programs, this Article is structured as follows. In Part I, I propose a comprehensive theory of how masculinities affect policing. I review the hegemonic masculinities school of thought, which is the dominant school within masculinities studies, and identifies the following background
principles of the hegemonic pattern of masculinities 21 in the United States: (1) men’s concern with the opinions of other men;22 (2) anxiety over whether one has proved one’s manhood; 23 (3) a competitiveness reflected in a need to dominate other men and a general aggressiveness; 24 and (4) a denigration of contrast figures reflected in a repudiation of femininity and homosexuality as well as subordination of racial minorities. Next, I describe two manifestations of the hegemonic pattern of U.S. masculinity: (1) a chip-on-one’s-shoulder attitude known as the culture of honor stance and (2) an exaggeration of masculine qualities known as hypermasculinity. Then I identify two important aspects of the pattern of police officer masculinity that is hegemonic in the U.S.: (1) the predominance of command presence as a paradigm for police officer behavior and (2) the unofficial rule that police officers must punish disrespect. All of those aspects of masculinity come together to create and enhance the risk that policemen will enact command presence in order to stage masculinity contests with male civilians. Having developed a comprehensive theory of police officer masculinity, Part II tests and applies that theory by considering the Terry decision. First, I demonstrate that a crucial part of the decision seems to be animated by the assumptions behind the hegemonic patterns of U.S. and police officer masculinity.
Specifically, I suggest that part of the Terry Court’s refusal to exclude evidence obtained from stops and frisks not based on probable cause derives from its conclusion that officers sometimes initiate encounters with citizens for reasons unrelated to evidence gathering. 26 The Court later acknowledges that in such encounters, policemen may be “motivated by the officers’ perceived need to maintain the power image of the beat officer, an aim sometimes accomplished by humiliating anyone who attempts to undermine police control of the streets. 27 Part II also discusses how the Terry Court’s implicit assumption that officers will inevitably engage in masculinity contests is consistent with mainstream views about police at the time. This may have subtly led the Terry Court to favor an answer to the question of whether officers could conduct stops and frisks without probable cause that allowed officers to shore up their masculinity. Additionally, I show that contemporary incidents of police bullying by means of Terry stops and frisks which appear to be solely incidents of racial profiling are actually instances where race and masculinity intersect to produce the result. Having demonstrated the risk that police officers will turn Terry stops into masculinity contests, Part III proposes responding to such masculinity-based police bullying by changing the cultures of police forces. In this Part, I distinguish my views from those of legal scholar Angela Harris by arguing that the solution to masculinity-based police bullying is to train officers to enact command presence only when it is necessary, not to attempt a dramatic change from a punitive to a restorative model of 28 justice. Then I detail how training currently fails to properly instruct officers on when to enact command presence. Finally, I propose that police training explicitly address racial and gender stereotypes, and that officers be trained in how to verbally diffuse tense situations. Having explained how to get police officers to stop initiating masculinity contests, Part IV concludes by explaining why officers themselves would be better off if they stopped bullying civilians in futile attempts to maintain their image as “the man.” Before starting the substantive analysis, it will be helpful to note that the insights in this Article are most applicable to men. After all,
Cop really falsely accused someone because he got honked at, then rear ends them, Then strips their rights away, and causes a traumatic event. What a lovely display of justice
I love how he admitted he had seen someone doing somthing wrong and then stopped perusing the person speeding because his ego was hurt, these the kind of people we let “police”
OMG, he started off with a lie. Telling dispatch the driver slammed on his brakes in front of him. Did the lying ass trooper forget he’s being recorded. He needs to be fired immediately!!
Detainee: invokes his right to silence
Officer: “he wants to continue to yell at me!”
It so creepy how comfortable the officer seems while spinning this lie. Hes a professional at it. Sad that we have these dirty officers out there. When an officer lies like this they should be fired immediately.
This is why we must start looking at hiring practices of officers. As a therapist that deals with clinical psychology, there are many personalities that do not belong in the police department. I question that he is one of those people. He is about power, he had no qualms to lie immediately to get his way. This is a bad Officer. Police need to hire professional to deal with the psychology of hiring an officer, or this is what you get. Very sad and very dangerous.
“I’m just doing my job”
Obviously…this dude is the reason why people have a hard time trusting cops. I understand that traffic stops are the most dangerous for police officers, but this guy put people’s lives in danger.
When police officers do stuff like this I understand why some people are afraid of cops
It honestly terrifies me to think about what has been done in the past WITHOUT cameras recording.
I feel so bad for the chick in the car that has to sit through this officer’s bs and even more that shes is apologizing to him and even more that she should know to plead the 5th to not give the cop any ground in court
This makes my blood boil. The cop literally lied by saying “he’s still back there yelling and cursing” fucking unbelievable. I don’t think I could’ve remained so calm
This cop put people in danger over his ego, plain and simple. Departments really need to do better sociological evaluations. The fact this this guy carries a gun is scary.
“This guy was exercising his fourth amendment right to express his frustration at me so I had to put him in cuffs.”
“This is yet ANOTHER encounter where an officer attempted to criminalize behavior that their EGO could not tolerate”
Well said, and the amount of these i have watched where a cop’s ego is a major factor in the encounter is very disturbing.
We don’t just need the bad ones weeded out, but a better job done in the screening process to determine if people like this should be given the job in the first place.
Who knew these “brave” cops were so fragile and could be threatened by curse words. Pathetic.
When a retail employee is expected to have more emotional control while dealing with belligerent people than cops, there’s a problem.
This is exactly the kind of person that will end up wrongfully shooting someone and trying to blame it on them. He should be fired, sued and never allowed to carry a badge again. I support all good cops but this is not one of them. I’m very curious to see what happens with their lawsuit and I hope you will do an update about it.
This cop is a clown. Rips a guy out of his car and then says he needs to start acting like a human being. Constantly interrupts the wife to tell her she’s interrupting then says nothing.
This is soo sad that you still have cops that clearly just joined the force to be a bully .
“When he wants to calm down and act like a human being…” I will attack another person physically if my feelings are hurt and I’m trying to force them to accept my authority but they are the ones not acting like a human being!
This is a classic case of why cops having dash cams and body cams is so important. The video was able to provide proof the officer was lying. Also the victim got citations when he did nothing wrong. But honk of course. Not sure if there is a fine for honking at a police officer who makes an unsafe turn in front of you. I don’t think a police officer lying to fellow officers and on the police report to railroad a citizen who did nothing wrong but honk at him is the conduct of a good officer. I hope he can get his citations taken off his record, get his money back he had to pay. Also have this officer held accountable for his actions. If he is not held accountable and gets away with lying, then he will continue to do so. Future citizens will suffer as a result as well as making his fellow officers and police force look bad by association and for covering up for him.
Damn this cop is screwed even admitting on camera he arrested him for cussing. Biggest issue with police in the US is utter lack of knowledge. Honestly my AIT was 9 months in order to work on aircraft but in a few weeks time you can have a gun in order to enforce laws you have no knowledge of. I would require at least a BS in law in order to become a police officer. Think it would greatly reduce the criminal in blue aspects of so called law enforcement
For anyone who missed it, the second trooper asks Wingo “Are you hot?” to see if they are being recorded. He knew it looked bad and his primary concern was covering for another officer.
Just another example of “one bad apple spoiling the bunch”, or a “thin blue line” culture that protects criminals in uniform over law-abiding citizens?
The officer asking “Are you hot?” is a clear indication that their conversation would have gone ENTIRELY differently had there not been any recording devices active. This conduct is indicative of a blatant disregard for the truth in favor of using their power irresponsibly to fulfill personal agendas.
First off, I’m not a cop. The thing that most everyone seems to overlook is the fact that our US supreme court passed a law in 1974 that states that an officer of the law may lie to a perp in order to get the perp to admit to a crime and there will be no charges or anything at all brought against the police officer for lying. So essencially our supreme court has made every police officer in these United States a LIER!! The only thing that can be done is abolish that law and make all policemen accountable for their actions and make it against the law for them to ever lie to the “PERP”!! There will be no trust in our police force until this law is changed and enforced.
This cop needs to be fired and get sued for falsifying evidence to arrest veteran.
Abolish Qualified Immunity.
You can clearly see the cop hit the veteran.
“There’s no need for the 5th” is easily the slimiest shit a cop can ever say.
Cop who just hit there car: “I’m trying to get him to calm down he’s yelling at me for no reason”
Guy who’s relatively calm for someone who was just rear ended: “i want your name and badge number”
Can you imagine the amount of dirt that was swept under the rug when they didn’t wear cameras and didn’t have a camera phone in every pocket?
This cop is completely out of touch with reality. He says this dude needs to calm down and act like an adult human being. Meanwhile, this cop is a childish bully. Another dangerous mental reject with a badge.
He gets mad because someone honked at him, just imagine how mad he gets in other situations. Absolute egotistical controlling maniac.
I love how the coo keeps stating,”he want to keep yelling and cussing me out” all he said was “you f’ing hit my car” once and never swore after and didn’t even yell after that
Another police officer believes he can do anything to a citizen. We do not need these men in law enforcement.
Wow i can’t believe how blatantly he’s ling even though he knows the dash cam is rolling. Just imagine how they treat citizens when there is no video going. What a joke.
As a veteran, this idiot’s brush off of the wife telling him her husband had PTSD makes me want to send my whole VFW membership after him. This guy is a terrible cop 5x over, and anyone that wants to argue the other things he did were worse, I’d be willing to agree.. but man that pisses me off
It’s so disgusting how the law enforcement officers can lie so easily and think nothing of it. Thank God there is video evidence that spoke the truth of what really happened. And if this officer feels he has the right to pull someone out of the car like that handcuffed them and throw them in the back of the car because his feelings are hurt he needs retraining his feelings count for nothing it’s the law that counts for everything
The word of the year is “accountability”. The guy that got pulled over was holding his officer accountable right there on the spot and the officer didn’t want to hear it.
“He wants to continue to yell at me for no reason” – after he calmly asks for badge number and name – thank goodness for cameras – finally catching some of the BS that goes on out here
As an Arkansan, I can fully verify that this, as well as the many other videos of Arkansas law enforcement posted here, is exactly how Arkansas law enforcement acts on a daily basis. Sense of superiority, flagrant abuse of power, shaming citizens with whom they interact, rarely reprimanding their own. It’s systemic and deeply troubling.
This hits a nerve with me being I’m a fellow disabled combat veteran with PTSD. Mr Donner was super chill compared to what he could really do when actually upset I’m sure.
“you gonna let me talk or interrupt me the entire time?” after the wife explains his severe PTSD. this cop is appalling.
.. I would like to see how this story unravels. They definitely have a case if they pursue it properly.
It’s hard to seek justice when the same people who are suppose to exercise our faith in justice are actually the people destroying our trust in it.
When he said “until he can act like a human being” I almost threw up. This man had a full blown temper tantrum because he was gonna get in trouble for hitting someone’s car, and took it out on innocent people. This man has no place in civilized society
The only thing I can conclude is: These type of officers never had any “control” in their life. All seem to have mommy issues, rough relationships/no relationships, and get a “high” at work when they get to use their powers. Most of these people- look forward to coming into work. Sheesh. They all need help.
As someone who lives in a free country in Europe, I can’t imagine what it must be like to constantly live under this kind of corruption and tyranny. I hope one day Americans can become actually free, rather than the make believe freedom they live in now.
I use to support the police. However, when I realized that videos like these are uploaded more then once per day and lawsuits are filed daily as well. These lawsuits, if ending up in the victims favor, will not effect the officer one bit as it then becomes the responsibility of the tax payer.
Qualified immunity has got to go, until then law enforcement officials will feel like they can do anything they want.
In addition, being able to plunder people’s treasures during a highway robbery committed by police who simply only need say “this person, whom I know nothing about, shouldn’t have this much money or valuables, they are drug dealers even though I have zero evidence of this” has also gotta go and it’s embarrassing that I even have to say this.
This is insane to me. How does these officers get away with that stuff? I wonder what happened before cameras? Bc if they’d do this on camera? I’d hate to see what they’d do off camera
It’s amazing how many officers seem to take the sound of a car horn personally even when they block the road or drive recklessly. Road rage is not exactly what you want in a police interaction.
This state trooper has zero integrity and all his cases should be reexamined. Willing to blatantly lie on camera and to fellow officers is sickening.
The way the officer opened his door just because he cussed is an immediate sign that he has anger issues and a fragile ego. These people CANNOT be in law enforcement. This is the problem
The audacity he has to say “calm down and act like a human being”. Wow. Just wow. After he pounced on that man like he was some wild animal and wrestled him out of his car to put him in handcuffs and then throw him in the backseat.
Anthony Fauci’s at the pool, but Donald Trump’s in deep.
Never mind Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
You want to see a real can’t-look-away train wreck of a relationship? Look to the nation’s capital, where a messy falling out is chronicled everywhere from the tabloids to a glossy fashion magazine, replete with a photo shoot by a swimming pool.
The saga has enough betrayal, backstabbing, recrimination, indignation and ostracization to impress Edith Wharton.
The press breathlessly covers how much time has passed since the pair last spoke, whether they’re headed for splitsville, and if they can ever agree on what’s best for the children.
It was always bound to be tempestuous because they are the ultimate odd couple, the doctor and the president.
- One is a champion of truth and facts. The other is a master of deceit and denial.
- One is highly disciplined, working 18-hour days. The other can’t be bothered to do his homework and golfs instead.
- One is driven by science and the public good. The other is a public menace, driven by greed and ego.
- One is a Washington institution. The other was sent here to destroy Washington institutions.
- One is incorruptible. The other corrupts.
- One is apolitical. The other politicizes everything he touches — toilets, windows, beans and, most fatally, masks.
After a fractious week, when the former reality-show star in the White House retweeted a former game-show host saying that we shouldn’t trust doctors about Covid-19, Donald Trump and Anthony Fauci are gritting their teeth.
What’s so scary is that the bumpy course of their relationship has life-or-death consequences for Americans.
Who could even dream up a scenario where a president and a White House drop oppo research on the esteemed scientist charged with keeping us safe in a worsening pandemic?
The administration acted like Peter Navarro, Trump’s wacko-bird trade adviser, had gone rogue when he assailed Dr. Fauci for being Dr. Wrong, in a USA Today op-ed. But does anyone believe that? And if he did, would he still have his job?
No doubt it was a case of Trump murmuring: Will no one rid me of this meddlesome infectious disease specialist?
Republicans on Capitol Hill privately confessed they were baffled by the whole thing, saying they couldn’t understand why Trump would undermine Fauci, especially now with the virus resurgent. They think it’s not only hurting Trump’s re-election chances, but theirs, too.
As though it couldn’t get more absurd, Kellyanne Conway told Fox News on Friday that she thinks it would help Trump’s poll numbers for him to start giving public briefings on the virus again — even though that exercise went off the rails when the president began suggesting people inject themselves with bleach.
“How did we get to a situation in our country where the public health official most known for honesty and hard work is most vilified for it?” marvels Michael Specter, a science writer for The New Yorker who began covering Fauci during the AIDs crisis. “And as Team Trump trashes him, the numbers keep horrifyingly proving him right.”
When Dr. Fauci began treating AIDs patients, nearly every one of them died. “It was the darkest time of my life,” he told Specter. In an open letter, Larry Kramer called Fauci a “murderer.”
Then, as Specter writes, he started listening to activists and made a rare admission: His approach wasn’t working. He threw his caution to the winds and became a public-health activist. Through rigorous research and commitment to clinical studies, the death rate from AIDs has plummeted over the years.
Now Fauci struggles to drive the data bus as the White House throws nails under his tires. It seems emblematic of a deeper, existential problem: America has lost its can-do spirit. We were always Bugs Bunny, faster, smarter, more wily than everybody else. Now we’re Slugs Bunny.
Can our country be any more pathetic than this: The Georgia governor suing the Atlanta mayor and City Council to block their mandate for city residents to wear masks?
Trump promised the A team, but he has surrounded himself with losers and kiss-ups and second-raters. Just your basic Ayn Rand nightmare.
Certainly, Dr. Fauci has had to adjust some of his early positions as he learned about this confounding virus. (“When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?” John Maynard Keynes wisely observed.)
“Medicine is not an exact art,” Jerome Groopman, the best-selling author and professor at Harvard Medical School, put it. “There’s lots of uncertainty, always evolving information, much room for doubt. The most dangerous people are the ones who speak with total authority and no room for error.”
Sound like someone you know?
“Medical schools,” Dr. Groopman continued, “have curricula now to teach students the imperative of admitting when something went wrong, taking responsibility, and committing to righting it.”
Some are saying the 79-year-old Dr. Fauci should say to hell with it and quit. But we need his voice of reason in this nuthouse of a White House.
Despite Dr. Fauci’s best efforts to stay apolitical, he has been sucked into the demented political kaleidoscope through which we view everything now. Consider the shoot by his pool, photographed by Frankie Alduino, for a digital cover story by Norah O’Donnell for InStyle magazine.
From the left, the picture represented an unflappable hero, exhausted and desperately in need of some R & R, chilling poolside, not letting the White House’s slime campaign get him down or silence him. And on the right, some saw a liberal media darling, high on his own supply in the midst of a deadly pandemic. “While America burns, Fauci does fashion mag photo shoots,” tweeted Sean Davis, co-founder of the right-wing website The Federalist.
It’s no coincidence that the QAnon-adjacent cultists on the right began circulating a new conspiracy theory in the fever swamps of Facebook that Dr. Fauci’s wife of three and a half decades, a bioethicist, is Ghislane Maxwell’s sister. (Do I need to tell you she isn’t?)
Worryingly, new polls show that the smear from Trumpworld may be starting to stick; fewer Republicans trust the doctor now than in the spring.
Forget Mueller, Sessions, Comey, Canada, his niece, Mika Brzezinski. Of the many quarrels, scrapes and scraps Trump has instigated in his time in office, surely this will be remembered not only as the most needless and perverse, but as the most dangerous.
As Dr. Fauci told The Atlantic, it’s “a bit bizarre.”
More than a bit, actually.
If I am so smart, why am I know winning.
You should build relationships with people you don’t like for the good of the mission.
If you don’t like someone, most of the time that is your ego.
do you talk about building or you talk about building relationships a lot at
work even when people whom you might not like even with people who mean you don’t
like have you always been this way or did you also feel difficult also
difficulty in wanting to build relationships with those people if the
latter what are the things that help you to actually want to build relationships
with him things so when I was a young seal
I was pretty typical young seal pretty typical young man meaning I thought I
was invincible I thought I could beat everyone in a fight cuz I didn’t know
jiu-jitsu so you just think you’re just gonna win but that you’re wrong I
thought I knew everything of course and I thought I was smarter than everyone
else kind of typical sometimes I would rub people the wrong way and the people
that I would rub the wrong way were especially people that I third thought
were not squared away in the chain of command so if you weren’t square if you
if you were my boss and I didn’t think you were squared away I was gonna rub
you the wrong way no cuz I was gonna be slightly offensive yeah as a matter of
fact I got an evaluation it’s one of the first evaluations that I got when I got
to a SEAL team and back in the day yeah you’d get you were rated 4.0 was the
highest you could get and it would go all the way down to whatever like one
but at this time basically everyone got four oh and everything right you
basically got four oh and everything and like you’d have to mess up you have to
mess to get deviate from the four so I got all four O’s and I got a 3.8 which
was like a major dig and the dig was in I think it was like in relation like I
don’t know what the word was but when I got debriefed on it what the
guy that gave me the 3/8 what he what he told me
which I actually was proud of because that’s how stupid I was
he’s like you you you’re too hostile with people that aren’t squared away
that’s literally and I was all like whatever you’re damn
right I am hostile towards people that aren’t square to go to war right just an
idiot that’s what that’s what the situation
was and you know it made me mad if a leader was weak and I would form these
antagonistic relationships with leaders if I thought that they were weak and one
of these bosses eventually that I fought I was better than right I thought I was
smarter I thought I was smarter than him right I thought that he was an idiot
sure I should have his job right how often do you think that right I should
have that guy’s job I’m smart and the more I showed this attitude the worse
our relationship got in the world and the less he listened to me and the less
influence I had over how we did things and therefore the the worse we did and
the and the the worse our ability to perform God because he was just doing
things the way he thought without any good input from anyone below him in the
chain of command mm-hmm all because I had formed this antagonistic
relationship with him which was bad because then he’s not listening to me
and then one day one day I said to myself if I’m so smart if I’m such a
smart guy why am I losing why am I losing if I’m so smart if I am so smart
why can’t I get this guy to do what I want him to do even though he’s my boss
doesn’t matter if I’m so smart yes they were smarter than him why can’t I get
him to do what I wanted me to do hmm why if I’m so smart how come I can’t
have more influence over the way we operate if I’m so smart and he’s so dumb
mm-hmm and that’s that’s when I realized that’s when I had an away
an awakening that instead of blaming him for being stupid I was the one who was
being stupid I had lost the ability to influence my boss because I was being
stupid and because of my ego I literally thought I deserved his job okay I
thought pretty much anyone could anyone in the platoon should have his job and
therefore since I thought that I I understand of supporting him they said a
building a relationship with him i undermined him now once I got humble and
I started to build a positive relationship with him instead of an
antagonistic one that started to change and because because then he started
listening to me he started to change some things and my influence over the
whole situation became better because I now had a relationship despite the fact
I liked the guy despite that fact I built the
relationship and the situation got better I had more influence and that
became kind of my standard operating procedure was to build relationships
with people even if I didn’t like them to build relationships with people so
that I could have more influence now does what does that sound like right
that sounds like I’m kind of this manipulative two-faced superficial
disingenuous guy yeah that’s that’s being devious and conniving not keeping
it real not keeping it real right but the fact is that is not true that’s not
that’s not that’s not who I am you don’t know who I am I’m a guy that’s trying to
accomplish the mission that’s what I am I’m a guy that is trying to accomplish
the mission who is putting my own ego in check to build a relationship with
someone that I don’t like that I don’t respect but what I’m trying to do is
improve our operational capability what’s more important to me trying to
arrange the situation build the relationship so that we do better not so
that I get promoted not so that I’m getting some accolades but so that we as
a team do a better job I put the little feelings aside because I want the team
to win so if you’re having having some trouble getting over your feelings and
getting over your ego to build relationships for the good of the team
ask yourself the same question I asked myself a long time ago
which is this if I am so smart why am I not winning and if you answer that
question honestly then you’ll put your ego in check
you’ll go build the relationships that will make you and your team accomplish
the mission and win hmm there you go
can’t help but agree with that one you know what’s funny is if you think
about like why you wouldn’t like someone mm-hmm what what causes you and not like
someone most of the time that’s your ego anyways most of the time that’s your ego
anyways yeah and so you know you had that story of the you know you were
consulting somebody it was like a big CEO of yeah like a lacrosse guy that
story is probably the most common story I mean the way you handle it different
yeah but that scenario that you started with with us are so common man
where ya they rub you the wrong way because right off the bat you see him as
some kind of competitive figure to you like they’re you know some you know
compare you know you’re competing with them in your own mind in whatever and
the feelings probably meet you a lot of the time you know see kids don’t like
each other you know one anything he says you’re you know you’re already defensive
but it’s weird man how you can how that happened like that’s happened to me
before not is it wasn’t as overt but just like yeah I don’t really feel that
guy you know I don’t like I would because I not only is he like when you
look at them whatever they’re kind of competitive with you but maybe they do
something just this much different than you you know like it’s just different in
philosophy or something like that I was like oh let me again second and then
they open their mouth and say one word to you and it’s real nice you’re like oh
I love that guy you know just one little thing just one little like hey I’m cool
you know I like you kind of thing and it’s like oh man yeah when they say
something humble to you yeah it disarms your ego and you’re all of a sudden
you’re bros yeah it’s so weird but if they don’t if they escalate the ego
situation which then it’s very problematic happens all the time I mean
really that’s the natural course of things because you do have to put on the
brakes on your feelings and be like okay let’s make a different kind of decision
than the automatic one I got to switch to manual real quick and then bling but
the bottom line is you’re gonna interact with all kinds of different people if
you’re in any kind of team want so ever which is most most human beings interact
with other human beings through their job through their life through I mean
you could apply this to your family too right
there’s someone in your family that you don’t get along with well what good does
it do does it make your family unit better when you let those emotions play
out and let your ego play out no it doesn’t you’re better off you’ll get
further and you’ll have a better you’ll have a better life in your family if you
put your ego in check and then say you know what I’m just gonna build a
relationship with this person it’s gonna make everything better and smoother but
it’s like man if you it I feel like you can take the place of any marriage
counselor by just saying that for real like all you have to do is in and they
got to do it but all you got to do is ask like is this gonna help the
relationship with my wife or my family whoever it is in your is this gonna help
the relationship if I do this or don’t do this or is it gonna hurt it and
that’s it that’s it that’s super general question or whatever but it’s it’s so
cut and dry most of the time yeah of course it’s exceptions but generally
speaking it’s pretty cut and dry okay and a lot of time just like I said it
has to do with like your ego or your you know this this sense of vengeance little
micro sense of vengeance because I can’t believe she doesn’t respect the fact
that I took out the trash you know she asked me to take the trash all the time
finally when I do it nothing you know like chilli its I was talking to a
friend of mine and we were talking about you know I’ve talked about the mutiny
that I had yeah yeah Co platoon but we had a mutiny we fight
we had a mutiny against uh our platoon commander we fired he got fired and then
the other guy that came in to take his place was like the best guy mm-hmm and I
was talking to a guy that worked with him much later when he was a senior
senior guy and I was telling him I was like oh when I talk on the podcast about
the platoon commander that was like the best that’s who I’m talking he’s like no
way and and this guy working with he’s a senior guy and he says you know when he
when I worked with him he would take out that he would take out the trash from
the office every day and he and I started laughing said that’s right and
I’d be look and he was saying like oh I look at him and be like sir you know you
don’t need to do that it’s like no no it’s not good you know someone’s got to
take out the trash I got it mm-hmm this is a seat a guy that shouldn’t have
been taking out trash for 25 years taking out the trash
well is he picking up breath picking up brass taking out trash you know that’s
that’s being humble yeah being humble goes a long way
The Dire Dangers of Narcissism
Though I’m professionally distant from today’s media luminaries, I have a particular personal interest in the current narcissistic spectacle du jour: I went to college and was friends with Harvey Weinstein nearly a half a century ago.
With an admixture of feelings, I watch the scandal unfold. I’m horrified and angry at what Weinstein is charged with perpetrating. I’m confused and saddened by my former friend’s behavior. Yet, I’m not surprised, given what I remember about Harvey when we were students. That’s not to say I could have predicted this. I don’t identify with interviewees solicited by journalists to tell what they knew of ignominious scoundrels before they committed their heinous acts. Harvey Weinstein—from first impression of him being grandiose, sycophantic, and magnanimously generous to the progression of his unstable and rampant ambition—was intense, needy, insecure, ingratiating, and over-the-top in his endeavors.
I’m not invested in justifying or scourging Harvey. He’ll get whatever the consequences of his actions bring—spiritually and legally. I feel sorry for him, but ever more sorry for, and indignant about, the victims he is accused of abusing, exploiting, bullying, and oppressing. Such injustice must be vindicated—but that is not up to me. As a psychologist, my goal is to unravel and shed light upon the inner forces that develop into disastrous behavior. Since I consorted with Harvey and knew him well decades ago, I want to lay bare the seminal roots of an accused tyrant before he became one.
As a psychologist, I have something to contribute by explaining the wily dangers of narcissism, thus allowing potential victims to be informed and better protected. As an American citizen, I am alarmed and wary about the course and future of our country, our people and our principles. As a father, husband, and person with strengths and weaknesses who is desirous of healthy relationships, I, too, am vulnerable. Narcissism is an insidious monster, born of a needy and unstable ego that lurks for years, nursing its perceived wounds, until it explodes in aggressive and blind perpetrations. A healthy self-image must be nurtured. It can be achieved by hard work that includes the basis for self-respect and the practice of respect for others. Though the development of narcissism is neither predictable nor clearly delineated, certain factors may contribute to a self-aggrandizing ego and overbearing sense of entitlement:
- a “silver-spoon” upbringing, where material things and excessively indulgent opportunities became integral elements in the family culture;
- exposure to a series of traumas and humiliations;
- use of embarrassment to modify childhood misbehavior;
- employing self-flagellation to cope with insecurity; or simply
- relying on an escapist fantasy and the transformative illusion of becoming a legend and hero in one’s mirror.
Though we may recoil from the exaggerated hubris of the narcissist, we should also be respectful and thankful for not traveling along such an isolating and destructive path. As my mother often said: “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” To live a life of worthiness and honor, one must embrace gratitude and humility.
What Happened to You, Harvey Weinstein?
Do you remember me, Harvey? I know you’ve got a lot on your mind these days; but I’ll bet that if you heard my name, you’d say, “Mark… how the hell are you doing?” We go back a long way, Harvey, to some wild days at the University of Buffalo.
Remember the crowd? Janis Siegel (affectionately called Pumpkin), who went on to acclaim as a singer with Manhattan Transfer. And the creative and iconic Jay Beckenstein, jazz saxophonist with Spyrogyra.
Remember those all-nighters, the 4:00 AM greasy burgers at Your Host Restaurant? The anguished, drugged-out rants and discussions about the universe, who we were, and where we were going?
We grew up and went out in the world to different places. You were amazing, Harvey: intense, sycophantic, driven, disturbed, and needy. I identified with you—Jewish kids from New York, arrived in a blue collar city, ready to take over and show how much we knew and how things should be done.
You floundered, and then soared. It wasn’t long before you traded academics for an entrepreneurial path, on your way to becoming a juggernaut. You founded Harvey & Corky Productions, bringing big-name musical talent to downtown Buffalo. You soon rubbed shoulders with the top names and icons of our generation. It must have been intoxicating, far beyond the drugs that most used to reach for peace and imagined self-importance.
Throughout the years, I watched your movies and cheered you on. There goes Harvey Weinstein—I knew him in college; we were friends. I envied your success. From my intimate knowledge of your personality, I suspected that you were not happy or fulfilled. How could you be, never filling the immense void within you with something other than riches and accolades? Not to diminish your sweeping achievements. But you were so needy and insecure. How could anything the world had to offer be enough?
I wrote to you fifteen years ago, hoping to reconnect. But I never got a response.
Apparently, you tried to fill your deep inner void with surreptitious trysts, using your money and influence to sway and dominate young women—impressionable and aspiring beauties you used for your lustful and egotistical purposes. You used your money, power, and influence to lord it over people, to take advantage of them, and to coerce their silence. The chickens have come home to roost; the truth will not be hidden; you are exposed and in trouble.
It’s not for me to judge you Harvey. I just want to tell you something about women and men and power and accountability.
Females are not immune from deceit, hypocrisy, and the fleshly litany of sins. But females are to be protected and respected. They are “weaker” in some sense, but immensely more powerful than men in many respects. Our society inherently imposes on women mixed messages, psychological traumas, economic discrimination, and often the raw end of many deals. Our culture exalts and worships physical appeal, but quickly disregards and discards worthwhile human beings when their outward beauty fades. Ironically, we exalt and worship physical beauty, and yet we exploit it. The fleeting blooms of pulchritude and stardom leave women vulnerable and with undeserved dismissal or ostracism. Too many men strut their machismo, stricken with envy (and with the fantasy) that a woman can have sex any time she wants (whereas many men have to feel they must lure or seduce). Unfortunately, some men act out of this context to take advantage and force or exploit women. When the playing field becomes overly imbalanced, many women either withdraw into resentful passive aggressiveness—avoiding or manipulating intimacy—or act out with hostile projection—rejecting men or typecasting them as insensitive and only interested in exploitative sex. Though there’s plenty of blame to spread around, men bear the burden—historically, we have been at fault by dominating women and isolating them from full and equal participation in society.
With your overarching success, Harvey, you now have trouble (tsouris, in Yiddish) on a grand scale. My heart aches for you, and I pray for you.
I have some advice for you, Harvey, my dear old friend: it’s time for you to make amends, to acknowledge your wrongdoing, to seek forgiveness, and to make restitution—no holds barred. I know you must now resort to posturing for strategic legal reasons, but you are going to sacrifice a lot of money to pay for your mistakes. You can no longer “buy” people (and certainly not their silence). You will feel alone, and will be alone. You will have to give up the pretenses you have long abused to fill the abyss and mollify the gargantuan ego that hides the empty Harvey Weinstein.
Yet, there is someone valuable, tender, sensitive, worthwhile inside the blustering and offensive Harvey. This is an opportunity to find out who you really are, to change the offensiveness, and to develop into an honorable person.
God has used you, Harvey, and he is not done yet. Through these scandals, he is using you writ large to teach others; and he is bringing you to your knees in the hope that you will stay there and begin to acknowledge and worship him.
Truer riches await you, my friend, if you will only repent and ask for divine forgiveness and guidance. You must also seek forgiveness from the people you hurt, so many of them. It’s time to be open, sincere, and humble. You must unequivocally repent.
Years ago, you founded a big company—Miramax—named after your parents, Max and Miriam Weinstein. What would they think of their son now? I never knew Max or Miriam, but I am sure they always loved you. Why, Harvey, has it been so difficult for you to feel love?
The Harvey Weinstein I knew nearly half a century ago could never relax. He always had to prove something, to get more and show more. You were an intense and difficult person. But you were likable, Harvey, and you didn’t have to try so hard.
The term narcissism is taken from Greek mythology. Narcissus was the son of the river god Cephissus and nymph Liriope. He was proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. He was drawn to a pool, where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it (himself), not realizing it was merely an image.
Today, narcissism is a psychiatric diagnosis and considered a mental disorder. It is also often used disparagingly in common parlance and description. Narcissism involves extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, and has come to characterize a personality type. Narcissists think extremely highly of themselves and are often driven to seek validation of their worthiness and inflated self-opinion by soliciting and even demanding the approval of others. They delude themselves that their boorish machinations and manipulations of others testify to their own self-worth. Though they may be capable of compassion and empathy, narcissists are so preoccupied with their own selfish interests and with validating themselves that they typically ignore or do not consider or recognize others’ needs, even the people closest to them.
Narcissists’ classic “me-first” posture often leads them to resort to aggressive acts that allow them to dominate or “win,” regardless of the costs. They love and need to be the center of attention, often usurping the limelight, dominating conversations, and controlling situations and people to serve their own ends.
It is when they are challenged or confronted with reality that the true pathological character of narcissists flagrantly emerges. Narcissists’ fragile self-image and ego structure do not allow them to acknowledge the egregious nature of their self-importance. Thus, is it is rare for them to apologize or admit wrongdoing. Remorse and repentance for their offensive actions almost never occurs (think Trump).
Thus, narcissists often have a problem with reality-testing; that is, they can only perceive events and circumstances from the same perspective as others when such “reality” supports and buttresses themselves in a positive and flattering light. Unfortunately, this infrequently happens. Instead narcissists twist and distort reality to suit their own views, inevitably causing confusion, alienation, and damage to relationships and the integrity and well-being of others. They constantly use people in devious ways, and invariably deny their motives and the unpleasant effects upon others. Narcissists have confounding and appalling obsession to blame others for what they themselves have done. A psychological term for this is projection. This is denial at its craftiest, and it is infuriating (again, think Trump).
When dealing with and referring to people who thought too highly of themselves, a dear friend of mine use to quip. “I’d like to buy you for what you’re really worth, and sell you for what you think you’re worth.”
We can shake our heads in disbelief or disgust at narcissism, and we can mock this condition with humor. However, don’t underestimate the dire danger of narcissism as the disorder affects all those who come into contact with the narcissist. Narcissists cannot have good relationships because they view others as opportunities to validate and gratify themselves. In psychoanalytic terms, they have poorly developed object relations. In plain language, this means that they cannot separate and distinguish between themselves and the legitimate perceptions, opinions, values, desires, and needs of others. What others experience (including hurt or neglect perpetrated by the narcissist) is blocked by the arrogant, center-stage prominence of the narcissist’s own needs.
Dealing With Narcissists
Because narcissists live in a bubble of self-absorption and denial, it’s very hard to break through their manipulations and defenses. Normal people (allowing for differences among individuals) have varying abilities to admit mistakes, acknowledge wrongdoing, apologize with sincerity, recognize their flaws and trespasses along with the negative impact upon others, and modify their behaviors to minimize the negative effects of selfishness. Not so with narcissists, as this is the core of their personality disorder.
It may be helpful to review the following guidelines in dealing with people you suspect of narcissism:
Expect self-centeredness and reality distortion
Because narcissists’ self-absorbed attitudes and responses are often provocative, it’s tempting to react with consternation, indignation, umbrage, and the like. However, if you keep your dismay and outrage to yourself, you’ll be in a better position to question the behaviors with a strategy of setting limits. Instead of expressing your emotional reactions to narcissistic self-centeredness, practice the strategies listed below.
Refrain from demonstrative emotional reactions
Tie responses to facts, evidence, and questions
When faced with narcissists’ bold claims, quietly question the bases for such statements. Or, just ignore them. For example, someone may proudly announce, “These people don’t know how to drive. I happen to be one of the best drivers on the road.” You could say, “ I guess so. But there is the issue of your three moving violations and numerous parking tickets.” Or, you could just let it go, and smirk to yourself.
Sometimes, simply questioning the basis for outrageous statements is enough to slow down the narcissist’s bluster. Remember Trump’s tirades about how he “knows more about Isis than any general in the military,” and his defiant complaint that he is “the victim of the greatest witch hunt in history”? There is no shutting down such an ego. However, one might ask, “Where did you acquire your military knowledge, and why were you not consulted and solicited before you became president?”
“Please give us some details about the other witch hunts against which you compare your own alleged persecution.”
And don’t expect an intelligent and coherent response to your questions!
Preface accountability and confrontations with acknowledgment and legitimate praise
Narcissists perceive questions, challenges, and alternate opinions—even facts—as threats to and defamation of their integrity. Therefore, it’s helpful to preface and intersperse your messages of accountability with reasonable and relevant praise toward the person whom you’re trying to get to really listen to you. Even appealing to their putative sense of discernment and justice may get you farther along on your attempts to bring reality into the conversation.
When I deal with pie-in-the sky people who live inside dreams inflated by their own sense of self-worth and entitlement, I find it prudent to ask, “I understand that, given your abilities and track record (?!), you expect this to work out as you’ve favorably planned…, but because you are smart, have you formulated an alternative scenario and plan?”
Set boundaries and repeat if-then consequences as they pertain to the narcissist’s behaviors
Inevitably, narcissists repeatedly step on the toes of others. Their transgressions may be verbal and/or they may take vindictive actions (hello again, Mr. Trump). Their self-aggrandizement can make it hard to keep a straight face; or, their attitude of entitlement may carry implicit threats for noncompliance or resistance. (Harvey Weinstein got away with his egregious behavior in large part due to his political and economic influence, much of which he wielded against much less powerful women. When he ultimately confronted a woman who was formidable and courageous, she pulled the plug, and the dirty slimy water that had accumulated in the bathtub over the decades slurped down the drain. Harvey was left sitting naked and shivering in his own filth.)
Granted, it’s not for individuals to take on the President of the United States. But the collective violations and outrage are propelling Trump to his comeuppance. Kudos to the brave people who have spoken the truth and challenged Trump, even at risk to their own reputations and careers! That takes integrity, confidence, and courage!
And Harvey? My old friend, your bullying and predation have ironically transformed the zeitgeist. Your secret life of lust, aggression, and intimidation now exposed has caused trauma and harm—shame on you! However, the notoriety has caused a groundswell of indignation, objection, and cries for justice. You have become the agent of change, long overdue.
The message is clear: If you abuse or intimidate women, it will come to light and you will pay.
Solicit commitments, promises, and contracts in writing
Remember that, as part of their sense of entitlement, narcissists do not hesitate to change the rules—including their agreements, commitments, promises, and respect for others’ needs—when it suits their purposes. Therefore, it’s wise to make a habit of solidifying commitments and promises in writing, with dates and signatures if possible. Though the self-entitled may scoff and sneer at such requests, pretend you are prone to mistaking the details, since your memory might not be as good as theirs (!) and remind them of the pithy saying, Black and white on paper is a lot clearer than the gray matter of the brain.
In other words, play dumb, like a fox. The narcissist may pity you and indulge you.
At the very least, keep your own meticulous records with details of words, actions, and dates. E-mails and texts establish a continual, accessible, and practical audit trail, useful for holding the narcissist accountable, especially when deception and conflict arise.
Be prepared for breaches of trust, intimacy, and fidelity
Precautions and attentiveness notwithstanding, you cannot change the basic flawed character of the narcissist. That’s not to say that people don’t change. Life experience, traumas, pain, and consequences are all great teachers. They even teach to the seemingly robust and impregnable bravado of narcissists (and, at best, it takes awhile). In his own way and with his own timing, God chips away at the lives and consciences of the foolish and hurtful. At his own discretion, he causes miracles to happen.
But the very nature of narcissism attacks trust, empathy, and consideration. Don’t be surprised when the narcissist (repeatedly) violates boundaries, flaunts rules, and sabotages trust, intimacy, and even your own faith. Remain loving, but be cautious and be prepared. Your sensitivity and good intentions are no match for the power of narcissism. Engaging in an argument or a major adversarial battle with a narcissist can be akin to stepping into the ring with a mixed martial arts fighter. No holds are bared. Be prepared for the unexpected. Be on guard. Protect yourself at all times. Expect hyperbole, manipulated facts, concocted falsehoods, inconsistencies, and outrageous lies. It’s all part of the package.
Narcissism’s Dire Consequences
Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein are but two notorious narcissistic icons—caricatures writ large in a field of opportunism. Their transgressions leave us aghast, wondering how such egregious behavior could have escalated and continued.
Surely, someone like Weinstein, if indicted and convicted of a crime or crimes in a court of law, must be thwarted and punished. Trump is a much more complex matter involving political and constitutional issues that are still in the process of unfolding. However, the important take-home message is that there are many like them—young, old, male, female, prominent, less significant—who foist their attitudes and perpetrations upon the unsuspecting and vulnerable, the psychologically and experientially less sophisticated, and those with fewer defenses and resources.
Narcissists may be overtly offensive, or they may be furtive and wily—sheep in wolves’ clothing. In a culture that has inveterately promoted self-centeredness and a “me-first” value system, narcissists may seem to embody the cultural virtues, to blend in and prevail over the competition. But you will recognize them by their intransigence and lack of compassion for the basic welfare and psychological well-being of others. As legends in their own mirrors (or pools, as with the Greek Narcissus), they deem themselves the only ones who matter.
As a society, we should focus attention on identifying, dissuading, and modifying the development of narcissistic character. Respect for women—pervasive societal, legal, accommodating respect—is surely a good place to start. We are beginning to painfully learn those lessons.
But the battle against misogyny is not enough. Parents must teach their children that the world does not “owe” them. The government should provide more than minimal education and health care—service, schooling, and training that focuses on character development and resources for the ravages of character failure, including disorders of emotional bonding, anxiety, depression, trauma, and the depredations of addiction.
We need to return to God, individually and collectively. Each of us determines our own personal relationship with or abandonment of our Creator. Religion should not be forced. But spiritual living should be foundational and institutionally encouraged. The development of the soul and its conscience and compassion is incompatible with the “me-first” ethos that culturally reinforces narcissism.
When tragedy strikes, we become voracious Monday morning quarterbacks. We scrutinize the history of assassins and predators, looking for clues that should have exposed them earlier. However, social autopsies on misfits will not relieve us of the larger problem, nor will those efforts alone avert the perverse development of unhealthy, megalomaniac egos.
We must become a society, through and through, that values humility and teaches people, rank and file, to put others first. Against such a social norm, the Trumps and Weinsteins will identify themselves early as faulty people who need discipline, correction, and guidance to develop true and healthy self-love.
Narcissism may never be eliminated, for we are a prideful and sinful species. With regard to selfish insensitivity, some are given to robust excess, even to the point of outright cruelty. Recoil as we might from Trump and Weinstein, we should learn that we need to expose them earlier in order to prevent the devastating potential of narcissism from exerting its will.
Farewell to the Harvey I Knew
We can’t live in the past. The Harvey Weinstein I knew nearly a half century ago has gone his own way, as have I.
In college, you looked up to me, Harvey. In your desperate neediness, you couldn’t see through my pretense, my needing to appear hip and avant-garde. If I’d had your talents, Harvey, perhaps I would have gone much farther astray than I did. Money and fame eluded me, but I guess I was luckier than you. And life did not let me get away with what, in my insouciant arrogance and ambition, I secretly wanted to.
If we could have coffee, I’d share with you some of the ordeals that happened in my life, what I’ve learned and about the people who taught me. Despite many setbacks and traumas, I’ve been fortunate. I have loved and been loved. Women have been great teachers to me, some intimate, some maternal, and many have been platonic, wonderful influences. I have learned to respect women and to not take advantage of them. Except for my wife, I regard them as sisters, mothers, and daughters. I treat them with biblically directed protection, respect, and deference. I joke (respectfully) about the differences between men and women. I note with professional acumen the stereotypes that frequently characterize the brains and demeanors of the two sexes. I’ve written a book about this, too, aimed at improving harmony and satisfaction in marriage relationships.
With maturity, I have more confidence and less need to prove myself or be the center of attention. I’m more able to appreciate the difficulties women have in a male-dominated world. I’m grounded enough to speak up and to model for males how to respect, value, protect, and share equally with females.
With God’s help and the stringent sanctions of many people who knocked me off my self-constructed pedestal and put me in a proper place, I’ve tamed most of my narcissistic tendencies.
The Harvey Weinstein I knew has grown and devolved. Farewell naïve and callow college buddy. I still recognize you, Harvey; beneath the atrocities, there is a boy, now a man, desperate for satisfying love. I hope this is God’s way of teaching you how to find it.
— Mark Steinberg, Ph.D.