There is a simple way to identify psychopaths. Most people aren’t familiar with it because they instinctively avoid getting into the position needed to “test” for socio-psychopathy, since it involves making ourselves emotionally vulnerable.
First, a note about the terms.
“Sociopath” and “psychopath” are two different ways of identifying the same thing.
Sociopath implies using social norms and mores and a person’s ability to function in socially acceptable ways to tell the difference between “normal” and “pathological”. I don’t much use the term, because in a psychopathic society, normal, healthy people would test out as pathological as far as authorities in that society would be concerned. For example someone who wanted to protect potential victims of ethnic cleansing probably would be considered sociopaths in a society controlled and indoctrinated by racists.
I prefer to think and talk in terms of psychopathy because it gets to the real issue. If a person is a healthy, functional individual, their psyche (i.e., neurochemistry and neurocircuitry) is the opposite of pathological. If a person is psychopathic in a psychopathic society, they might well rise to pinnacles of success as defined by that society, so they wouldn’t be called sociopaths even though they’re still psychopaths. And a psychopath in a relatively healthy society can learn to function in acceptable ways, i.e., neurotypical ways. In fact, they’re very good at this kind of daily acting. The fact that they can detach from personal traits, preferences and habits that might run afoul of the PC Police makes them great at fitting in, precisely because they’re psychopathic.
So here’s a reliable way to detect psychopaths. It was inspired from a saying attributed to Jesus:
Do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
So, toss out a pearl you don’t mind (too much) possibly getting trampled and see what the reaction is. In practical terms:
- Share a mildly risky, personal, emotional truth about yourself, then look for signs of empathy.
- Notice what the person’s attention instinctively latches onto— the “pearl” or you.
- Feed any indications of psychopathy and see if the person takes the bait, tramples the pearl, and makes any move toward tearing into you.
This can all be done in a very low-risk way, verbally. It’s like they say about trading stocks or currencies: Only invest money you can afford to lose. Except in this case the valuables are emotional. Besides, you don’t lose the pearl and any trampling that happens won’t damage it—can’t even touch it, in fact. It’s still yours. Although it smarts a bit, you can just pick that pearl back up and put it safe in its little drawer of the heart and walk on, none the worse for the wear but quite a bit wiser.
All but the most sophisticated psychopaths can be “outed” this way.
Will this method help you answer the question whether the person would qualify as clinically psychopathic? No, but that’s probably not your purpose. They are psychopathic enough to notice it, which means psychopathic enough to affect you negatively. You might not want to have anything to do with them, or you might want to limit your contact. If that’s not possible, say it’s an ex-partner and kids so you have no choice but to deal with the person, at least now you’re well advised to put on gloves and Kevlar before stepping into the arena with them once again.
An empathetic person will try to relate to you when you share something intimate with them. They’ll try to mirror, sympathize, and understand your feelings so they can understand you. Most importantly, they will immediately make you the focus of their attention in a way that feels like understanding, or at least that signals they want to understand. They won’t forget you in order to focus on the pearl.
Feelings are key. A psychopath’s affective psyche is to some degree non-functional. In order to appear normal, they have to fake it. So look at their eyes. There’s a difference between a friend’s eyes and a predator’s eyes and yet again a reptile’s eyes. The closer you get to the feeling like you’re looking at predatory or reptilian eyes—think how it feels looking into a shark’s eyes—the closer they are to being a psychopath as far as you can see, which is the best that any of us can do. (It’s not all and only about their eyes, but it’s the best place to start because it’s really hard to fake the eyes.)
Mere absence of empathy, focusing on something other than you and how you feel, such as events, details, facts, concepts, principles that apply to the situation or people in the story, etc., doesn’t prove psychopathy, but it’s consistent with psychopathy. At least, given it would be healthy for a person hearing what you just confided to empathize with you, you could say that lack of empathy is at least mildly psychopathic.
On the other hand, if the person reacts negatively toward what you confided, especially if the person reacts negatively toward you as a person because of what you confided, putting you down, dissing you, or any other belittling, degrading, offensive, abusive reaction, you are dealing with some form of psychopath.
I realize that’s not what most people mean by “psychopath” these days because, like they do with violence, physical and sexual abuse, authoritarianism, and a host of other essentially repugnant human behaviors and attitudes, they assume that some of it is inevitable and must be tolerated. (I don’t accept that cynicism, with the result that I’ve gotten quite competent in recognizing and dealing with psychopaths, although I haven’t yet had to deal with serial killers or the like. But I have dealt with the next closest thing: cult leaders.) From this cynical standpoint, their question becomes where to draw the “this far but no further” line beyond which it’s “too much”, but short of which pejorative labels aren’t appropriate.
Notice that as long as we maintain that kind of cynical tolerance for problematic behaviors, we’ve effectively condoned the problem in perpetuity as long as it’s not “too much”.
This really makes no sense. Poison is still poison, caustic acid is still caustic acid, and shit it still shit regardless how much or how concentrated they are or are not.
Psychopathy is still a dysfunctional condition that results from damage to cognitive and especially to affective neurochemistry and neurocircuitry, regardless how severe or widespread the damage is. A little dysfunction is still dysfunction. A little damage is still damage. Genetic propensity toward psychological dysfunction is far rarer than psychic damage inflicted by trauma, especially traumatic abuse—which in this authoritarian, punishment-oriented society is quite common.
This means there’s some psychopath in all of us, and there’s some healthy psyche in a psychopath. It’s a good way to look at it, because it introduces hope for us all.
There’s a step four, which isn’t really a step so much as a follow-up: Give it time. If you can, that is. If not, err on the side of caution using this rule: Healthy, empathetic people are obvious because you can feel it. If you have a question about a person, it’s a good question. If you happen to be wrong and doubt an empathetic, healthy person, you don’t have to worry. They won’t fault you because, of course, they’ll understand and empathize. If someone does fault you for doubting or questioning them, you probably want to stay away from them anyway, psychopath or not.
As you see how a person handles your pearls, it will become clear what they’re really about. If doubt still remains, though, there is a dead giveaway that hinges on commitment. It’s a great litmus test to cap off this method.
If you don’t make commitments before you’re comfortable making them, you won’t get into trouble very often. The problem is that it’s easy to induce us to commit prematurely, whether it’s commitment to a person, a belief, an organization, a regime, and whether it’s commitment of our minds, hearts, property, money, time, work, energy, or even our bodies.
All con schemes revolve around getting you to commit prematurely. So the simple way to keep from getting burned is to never commit until you’re sure you want to and don’t feel compelled to. That’s sometimes hard to do—which the con artist well knows and loves—but it really doesn’t take too much practice to get the hang of it.
If a person wants you to commit and sees you’re not ready, they’ll either respect where you’re at or they’ll try to push you. Someone who is genuinely on your side and cares for you will do the opposite of push: They’ll defend your right to remain noncommittal. If no one has your back and will advocate for you, you can still advocate for yourself. We sometimes call this “holding boundaries”.
Establish a boundary for yourself: No one is welcome to induce you to commit prematurely. If someone tries to violate that boundary, the question whether they’re a psychopath or not becomes secondary, because you probably should extricate yourself from them regardless and not wait around to figure out their state of mental health.
On the other hand, if someone does not push you to commit prematurely, the question whether or not they’re a psychopath becomes less important, because then they pose no real threat to you even if they are a psychopath.
So always refuse to commit prematurely, i.e., before you’re ready and comfortable. In other words, never commit because you’re being told to commit or made to believe you should or must commit or get scared into making a commitment.
A favorite of con artists (and salespeople, but what’s the difference, lol?) is the “snooze you lose” gambit. Fear of loss easily induces us to commit before it’s wise to. By maintaining your commitment boundary you’ll either aggravate con-artist-could-be-psychopaths, thus exposing them, or they’ll decide you’re not worth the pain and move on. Win-win!
There are certain people (I call them narcissist magnets) that are very attractive to narcissists.
Narcissists are attracted to distinct characteristics in a target.
Attractive: These people are physically attractive, successful, educated, wealthy, powerful, and/or connected.
They elevate a narcissist’s status, making the narcissist look better than they do on their own.
The narcissist tends to desire characteristics they don’t have in a partner. For an unattractive overt narcissist, this may mean marrying a trophy wife/husband. For a covert narcissist with an entry level job, it may mean marrying a doctor, CEO, or lawyer.
Compassion/Kindness: The narcissist seeks people with a big, beautiful heart.
They desire people who want to be sure everyone feels included and heard. Someone who sees the good in and wants the best for others. Someone who sympathizes with people who suffer challenges.
This person sees the world, and those in it, through rose-colored glasses.
Empathy: The narcissist seeks empathic people, those who feel what others are feeling as if it’s happening to them.
During the love bombing phase, the empathic target feels the hurt and emptiness beneath the mask, even though they don’t see it. They want to fill that emptiness with love.
Once devaluing begins, the empathic target feels the shame, fear, and worthlessness the narcissist projects at them. This is why it’s so easy for them to accept the projected thoughts, feelings, and actions as their own.
These characteristics are all gifts. They are outstanding attributes, in and of themselves.
Yes, these three characteristics are attractive to the narcissist. However, the rest depends on the target.
According to National Geographic Encyclopedia, “Magnetism is the force exerted by magnets when they attract or repel each other… To become magnetized, another strongly magnetic substance must enter the magnetic field of an existing magnet.”
In this case, our magnets are the narcissist and the target. They may attract or repel each other.
The narcissist-target duo only becomes magnetized (attracting each other) when you add one or more of the following.
Narcissistic parent or previous relationship: Those who have been groomed by a previous narcissist are magnetic to another.
The heavy lifting has already been done. You’ve already internalized the shame and worthless projected on you by the previous narcissist. It’s so much easier to sell it now.
You’ve been groomed in how to respond to devaluing — passive-aggressive putdowns, the silent treatment, the angry outbursts, the lack of self-responsibility. That behavior feels normal, familiar. Familiar attracts you to the narcissist. You have been magnetized.
Codependency: Codependency arises from your own history of trauma. That trauma has resulted in losing connection to yourself and instead attaching your sense of self to another person, a substance, even an object.
It’s also resulted in a great deal of internalized shame, which leads to seeking love and approval. Enter the narcissist’s love bomb – your magnet is not only magnetized, but also super-charged.
You’ve also learned to deny your feelings and needs. You attempt to control your feelings, avoiding feelings of anger or sadness. You avoid situations that are likely to evoke those emotions. You may control the behavior of others by people-pleasing.
You were taught to have dysfunctional boundaries because yours weren’t respected. Now you’re likely to accept blame that does not belong to you. Your self-criticism and self-blame make you the perfect partner.
What could be more attractive to a narcissist?
Fortunately you, the potential target, are in the driver’s seat.
You have no control over being attractive, compassionate, and empathic. Those are good things you wouldn’t want to change even if you could. They make you attractive to a narcissist, but a narcissist won’t be very attractive to you – especially if you’re aware of the tactics they use and recognize them for who they are.
You DIDN’T have control over being groomed by a narcissist previously or trauma that resulted in codependency. At that time, you didn’t see what was going on and didn’t have the skills or resources to choose otherwise. That is not your fault.
Now that you see it, however, you have the ability to change it, to heal your trauma, your shame, to connect to yourself again, to no longer be codependent. You can choose healthy relationships and create new patterns that become familiar. You can rewire your nervous system. And once you do, you will not find anything about a narcissist attractive. You will no longer be magnetized.
Evil people are ruthless and willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it means hurting or exploiting those around them. Evil people are experts at sniffing out the weaknesses of those around them and using them to their own advantage. Through a mix of conniving instincts and careful observation, over time they become masters of manipulation. Evil people rely on learning the social patterns and behaviours of others in order to be able to reliably get in their heads and exploit them. Sigma males, however, don’t fit into any of the traditional social behaviours that exploitative people use as the basis to manipulate people. Sigma males are rare and unique in their thought processes and actions, and in many ways can serve as a barometer for exposing evil people. Here’s the Bloke Box guide to the most important ways that sigma males expose the evil people that they come in to contact with…
Why The Sigma INFJ Doesn’t Need To Set Boundaries. People are taught to set and emphasize their boundaries to protect themselves from abuse and subtle mistreatment. However, when it comes to sigma INFJs, this is not necessary at all. Why? If you have ever been with the INFJ, you would understand why they won’t have to set boundaries to protect their peace. They naturally know their worth, when to speak and hold their thoughts, and when to detach themselves from environments that devalue them. As a sigma INFJ, what are your thoughts about this? Do you also think you don’t have to try hard to implement your boundaries?
00:13 10 None of what people say and do could affect them in any way
01:10 09 They don’t ask for others’ approval to feel how they feel
02:06 08 They feel secure with their pre-existing belief system
02:48 07 Their desires are not rooted in the world’s system
03:48 06 They’re fine with or without anyone
04:51 05 They naturally don’t want people to get involved in their life
05:41 04 They only count on themselves
06:40 03 They don’t have to convince themselves how much they love themselves
07:28 02 They always limit their inner circle
08:27 01 They think boundaries are commonsense
How do you make a narcissist respect you?
You should be aware of one simple fact – narcissists don’t really respect anyone, especially in a functional sense. They can have respect for someone if it is potentially beneficial for them, but it is difficult to expect honest and authentic respect from someone who is neither honest nor authentic. What a narcissist can do is respect a person’s power, privilege, money, physical appearance, prestigious occupation, social status, unavailability – in other words, they can “respect” everything they want for themselves, except the person who possesses those things.
Even that “respect” for superficialities other people possess is laced with envy, which is also one of the core characteristics of the narcissistic personality. In some instances, it is important that you make a narcissist “respect” you, because you might work with them, have children with them, or something similar, so you are unable to just walk away. There is still no magical cure for narcissism, so employing different strategies to make them at least pretend to respect you might sometimes be necessary.
In today’s video we show you how to command respect from a narcissist so you can take control of the relationship.
This video is about damaged empaths and how they can heal. Join our tribe at https://empath.help.
Rage is an expression of despair, fear, disgust, shame, and overwhelming anger.
It is a visceral and emotional experience triggered by a perceived or real boundary violation, threat of abandonment, or threat of harm to you, someone, or something you care about.
They respect the calmness of people. It stirs fear in them. They hate people who are happy, that do not fear them or their outbursts of rage, or their weird or crazy making world of theirs.
They respect those who are frank. Who have a backbone. Who have integrity. This shows up their weaknesses. They do not have a personality. They have many that suíts them to get what they need.
They do not have boundaries. You have to maintain yours. Do not look at them as little children. Look at them as grown people who have gone wrong. They did it to themselves.
What you sow is what you get.
If you maintain these things, you will gain their respect and they will leave you.