There are certain people (I call them narcissist magnets) that are very attractive to narcissists.
Narcissists are attracted to distinct characteristics in a target.
Attractive: These people are physically attractive, successful, educated, wealthy, powerful, and/or connected.
They elevate a narcissist’s status, making the narcissist look better than they do on their own.
The narcissist tends to desire characteristics they don’t have in a partner. For an unattractive overt narcissist, this may mean marrying a trophy wife/husband. For a covert narcissist with an entry level job, it may mean marrying a doctor, CEO, or lawyer.
Compassion/Kindness: The narcissist seeks people with a big, beautiful heart.
They desire people who want to be sure everyone feels included and heard. Someone who sees the good in and wants the best for others. Someone who sympathizes with people who suffer challenges.
This person sees the world, and those in it, through rose-colored glasses.
Empathy: The narcissist seeks empathic people, those who feel what others are feeling as if it’s happening to them.
During the love bombing phase, the empathic target feels the hurt and emptiness beneath the mask, even though they don’t see it. They want to fill that emptiness with love.
Once devaluing begins, the empathic target feels the shame, fear, and worthlessness the narcissist projects at them. This is why it’s so easy for them to accept the projected thoughts, feelings, and actions as their own.
These characteristics are all gifts. They are outstanding attributes, in and of themselves.
Yes, these three characteristics are attractive to the narcissist. However, the rest depends on the target.
According to National Geographic Encyclopedia, “Magnetism is the force exerted by magnets when they attract or repel each other… To become magnetized, another strongly magnetic substance must enter the magnetic field of an existing magnet.”
In this case, our magnets are the narcissist and the target. They may attract or repel each other.
The narcissist-target duo only becomes magnetized (attracting each other) when you add one or more of the following.
Narcissistic parent or previous relationship: Those who have been groomed by a previous narcissist are magnetic to another.
The heavy lifting has already been done. You’ve already internalized the shame and worthless projected on you by the previous narcissist. It’s so much easier to sell it now.
You’ve been groomed in how to respond to devaluing — passive-aggressive putdowns, the silent treatment, the angry outbursts, the lack of self-responsibility. That behavior feels normal, familiar. Familiar attracts you to the narcissist. You have been magnetized.
Codependency: Codependency arises from your own history of trauma. That trauma has resulted in losing connection to yourself and instead attaching your sense of self to another person, a substance, even an object.
It’s also resulted in a great deal of internalized shame, which leads to seeking love and approval. Enter the narcissist’s love bomb – your magnet is not only magnetized, but also super-charged.
You’ve also learned to deny your feelings and needs. You attempt to control your feelings, avoiding feelings of anger or sadness. You avoid situations that are likely to evoke those emotions. You may control the behavior of others by people-pleasing.
You were taught to have dysfunctional boundaries because yours weren’t respected. Now you’re likely to accept blame that does not belong to you. Your self-criticism and self-blame make you the perfect partner.
What could be more attractive to a narcissist?
Fortunately you, the potential target, are in the driver’s seat.
You have no control over being attractive, compassionate, and empathic. Those are good things you wouldn’t want to change even if you could. They make you attractive to a narcissist, but a narcissist won’t be very attractive to you – especially if you’re aware of the tactics they use and recognize them for who they are.
You DIDN’T have control over being groomed by a narcissist previously or trauma that resulted in codependency. At that time, you didn’t see what was going on and didn’t have the skills or resources to choose otherwise. That is not your fault.
Now that you see it, however, you have the ability to change it, to heal your trauma, your shame, to connect to yourself again, to no longer be codependent. You can choose healthy relationships and create new patterns that become familiar. You can rewire your nervous system. And once you do, you will not find anything about a narcissist attractive. You will no longer be magnetized.
Evil people are ruthless and willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it means hurting or exploiting those around them. Evil people are experts at sniffing out the weaknesses of those around them and using them to their own advantage. Through a mix of conniving instincts and careful observation, over time they become masters of manipulation. Evil people rely on learning the social patterns and behaviours of others in order to be able to reliably get in their heads and exploit them. Sigma males, however, don’t fit into any of the traditional social behaviours that exploitative people use as the basis to manipulate people. Sigma males are rare and unique in their thought processes and actions, and in many ways can serve as a barometer for exposing evil people. Here’s the Bloke Box guide to the most important ways that sigma males expose the evil people that they come in to contact with…
Why The Sigma INFJ Doesn’t Need To Set Boundaries. People are taught to set and emphasize their boundaries to protect themselves from abuse and subtle mistreatment. However, when it comes to sigma INFJs, this is not necessary at all. Why? If you have ever been with the INFJ, you would understand why they won’t have to set boundaries to protect their peace. They naturally know their worth, when to speak and hold their thoughts, and when to detach themselves from environments that devalue them. As a sigma INFJ, what are your thoughts about this? Do you also think you don’t have to try hard to implement your boundaries?
00:13 10 None of what people say and do could affect them in any way
01:10 09 They don’t ask for others’ approval to feel how they feel
02:06 08 They feel secure with their pre-existing belief system
02:48 07 Their desires are not rooted in the world’s system
03:48 06 They’re fine with or without anyone
04:51 05 They naturally don’t want people to get involved in their life
05:41 04 They only count on themselves
06:40 03 They don’t have to convince themselves how much they love themselves
07:28 02 They always limit their inner circle
08:27 01 They think boundaries are commonsense
How do you make a narcissist respect you?
You should be aware of one simple fact – narcissists don’t really respect anyone, especially in a functional sense. They can have respect for someone if it is potentially beneficial for them, but it is difficult to expect honest and authentic respect from someone who is neither honest nor authentic. What a narcissist can do is respect a person’s power, privilege, money, physical appearance, prestigious occupation, social status, unavailability – in other words, they can “respect” everything they want for themselves, except the person who possesses those things.
Even that “respect” for superficialities other people possess is laced with envy, which is also one of the core characteristics of the narcissistic personality. In some instances, it is important that you make a narcissist “respect” you, because you might work with them, have children with them, or something similar, so you are unable to just walk away. There is still no magical cure for narcissism, so employing different strategies to make them at least pretend to respect you might sometimes be necessary.
In today’s video we show you how to command respect from a narcissist so you can take control of the relationship.
This video is about damaged empaths and how they can heal. Join our tribe at https://empath.help.
Rage is an expression of despair, fear, disgust, shame, and overwhelming anger.
It is a visceral and emotional experience triggered by a perceived or real boundary violation, threat of abandonment, or threat of harm to you, someone, or something you care about.
They respect the calmness of people. It stirs fear in them. They hate people who are happy, that do not fear them or their outbursts of rage, or their weird or crazy making world of theirs.
They respect those who are frank. Who have a backbone. Who have integrity. This shows up their weaknesses. They do not have a personality. They have many that suíts them to get what they need.
They do not have boundaries. You have to maintain yours. Do not look at them as little children. Look at them as grown people who have gone wrong. They did it to themselves.
What you sow is what you get.
If you maintain these things, you will gain their respect and they will leave you.
John of the Cross was invited by Teresa of Ávila (1515–1582) to join her in reforming the Carmelite Order by returning to a renewed fidelity to prayer, simplicity, and poverty. The priests of the order did not take kindly to the suggestion that they needed reform and demanded that John stop his involvement. John said that he would not stop because he discerned in his heart that God was calling him to continue with this work. The priests responded in a very harsh manner, capturing him and putting him in a small dark prison cell with little protection from the elements. John was imprisoned for nine months. During that time, on a number of occasions, he would be taken out of his cell, stripped to the waist, and whipped.
John felt lost. It wasn’t just because of the severity of his imprisonment. This was the Church! The priests who were mistreating him were people he had emulated. John went through what we could call the traumatization of spirituality, which can be described as a kind of dark night of faith in which we lose experiential access to God’s sustaining presence in the midst of our struggles. [I, Richard, imagine many are going through a similar experience as we learn about the Catholic Church’s extensive cover-up of sexual abuse.]
Trauma is the experience of being powerless to establish a boundary between our self and that which is about to inflict, or is already inflicting, serious harm or even death. It is one of the most acute forms of suffering that a human being can know. It is the experience of imminent annihilation. And so, when your faith in God has been placed in the people who represent God’s presence in your life and those people betray you, you can feel that God has betrayed you. And it is in this dark night that we can learn from God how to find our way to a deeper experience and understanding of God’s sustaining presence, deeper than institutional structures and authority figures.
For John of the Cross, his suffering opened up onto something unexpected. John discovered that although it was true that he could not find refuge from suffering when he was in his prison cell, he also discovered that the suffering he had to endure had no refuge from God’s love that could take the suffering away, but rather permeated the suffering through and through and through and through and through. Love protects us from nothing, even as it unexplainably sustains us in all things. Access to this love is not limited by our finite ideas of what it is or what it should be. Rather, this love overwhelms our abilities to comprehend it, as it so unexplainably sustains us and continues to draw us to itself in all that life might send our way.
This is why John of the Cross encourages us not to lose heart when we are passing through our own hardships, but rather to have faith in knowing and trusting that no matter what might be happening and no matter how painful it might be, God is sustaining us in ways we cannot and do not need to understand. John encourages us that in learning to be patiently transformed in this dark night we come to discover within ourselves, just when everything seems to be lost, that we are being unexplainably sustained by the presence of God that will never lose us. As this painful yet transformative process continues to play itself out in our lives, we can and will discover we are finding our way to the peace of God that surpasses understanding.