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Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You But Kind To Everyone Else

Rough Transcript

welcome to thriver TV the place to break

free from narcissistic abuse with

quantum tools and understandings so this

week’s thriver TV show is an important

one because narcissists are very very

good at making people like them most of

them are very high-functioning and

they’re brilliant at appearing normal

cordial and decent and this can spell

disaster for anyone else when their view

starts and people look at you like

you’ve got two heads when you’re trying

to explain it to them and people outside

of your relationship say that he’s such

a good guy and you can see them thinking

why is she so ungrateful and of course

his is not gender-specific

many people outside of the family home

love the narcissistic woman because

she’s so accommodating hospitable and

charming and she’s always there to help

anyone in need plus she’s a marvelous

hostess usually so how can they believe

you when you are bearing the brunt of

narcissistic torment behind closed doors

and I know that you might feel so alone

and powerless in regard to how the

narcissist is hoodwinking

everyone else and no one but you sees

the truth but I promise you just as I

did there is a way to heal all of this

and then be validated and supported by

life and people beyond measure and this

all comes about as a result of how

you’re able to turn this around inside

yourself for yourself first but before

we do this the trauma of the street

angel home devil persona at the

narcissist is intense for people being

abused because not only do you feel

isolated and misunderstood you also

seriously start to doubt yourself and of

course you’re going to question whether

it is you in fact who is the cause of

all the problems

and you may even start to feel like I

must be imagining it and am I losing my

mind

yet we are certainly experiencing abuse

and trauma at levels we thought we would

never go through which leaves us anxious

traumatized and intensely depressed and

struggling to function in everyday life

so how do we get people to see what is

happening to us the truth is for awhile

we don’t how do we get people to realize

who the narcissist is we can’t because

by trying to do this well we will in

fact only incriminate ourselves with

people further which by the way is vital

to understand if you’re trying to warn

your kids you’ll get your kids to

understand who the other parent is how

do we get people to support us and help

us heal we can’t and we don’t and rather

than think this makes it all hopeless

and you totally helpless it is in fact

the exact opposite and I want you to

realize that all of this is imperfect in

divine order and as I go through this

deep dive into this topic with you

you’ll understand why so I wanted first

of all talk about how and why the

narcissist is such a great actor and

then as always which is what I do I want

to bring the power and a healing back

squarely to ourselves the NASA’s earth

is a false self which means that he or

she is a consummate actor a charade

being whoever is required at the time to

get narcissistic supply in the most

efficient and effective way I’m from a

very early age narcissus know that to

get attention and stuff which means

resources time accolades contacts well

sex whatever it is that’s required to

fill the deep black hole inside them

which no matter what it gets will never

feel durably hole or at peace they know

that people need to like and

them and it’s all to do with payoff it’s

all to do with agenda it has nothing to

do with true unconditional giving which

is this I give for the sake of giving

and at the true quantum level giving is

this by giving to another I’m actually

giving to myself because we are all one

and that’s why it feels so genuinely

good to do this because at the quantum

level we are giving to ourselves however

many people don’t operate at this level

and many people may do favors and glue

gestures to create a favor Bank with

others yet narcissus take it a step

further they do it to get attention

acclaim compliment accolades budget for

narcissistic supply they do it so that

they can emotionally survive because

getting energy from the outside is so

much better than the energy that they

are experiencing on the inside because

that energy is self annihilating it’s

full of the terrible devastating

emotions of shame and being defective

and unacceptable and attention from the

outside which has to come through people

is required as a temporary ongoing

always necessary buffer to offset the

narcissist in a being which is

constantly threatening to eat them alive

and this is why you may be horrified to

realize that the narcissist is so much

more interested in being wonderful to

all and sundry than granting their own

children and family decency let alone

devotion service and care the reason

being there isn’t enough narcissistic

supply from being able to be extracted

from giving to one’s family it’s

generally expected that a father mother

husband a wife or a partner will be

caring responsible and contributes to

his or her loved ones and isn’t going to

get a red carpet rolled out complete

with a fanfare every time they do

something for somebody else

in fact healthy people get great joy

from giving to their family

I’m making the people they love feel

supported and special but a narcissist

simply isn’t wired that way and you may

be horrified as to how childish and

entitled and demanding they are when

they demand your recognition for

something that you’ve done way past

desiring your healthy gratitude and of

course it’s nice to say thank you within

the family and be grateful but the

narcissist want your accolades sorry he

or she wants accolades and power and

your total acknowledgment without of

course acknowledging any of the things

that you do the bottom line is there is

nowhere near enough narcissistic supply

involved to the narcissist to engage for

real in Family Contribution

he or she will at times pull out all

stops for an agenda within the family

and all of a sudden be that caring

giving wonderful person but it’s not

real and it doesn’t last these times are

only when hoovering such as we hooking

with the spouse when he or she attempts

to leave the narcissist or will be for

another agenda the bottom line is the

narcissist must exert energy for payoff

it’s a delicate balance between energy

expended in order to receive the

narcissistic drug narcissistic supply if

a narcissist gets cornered to do things

for the family and can’t get out into

the world to hunt more appropriate

narcissistic supply the narcissist is

precariously and dangerously pulled

inwards to his or her self annihilating

inner being and will become low on

supply depressed manic and seething then

he or she will need to get narcissistic

supply another way and this is when the

people closest to the narcissist who try

to make narcissus behave like a normal

person someone who does give contribute

comply and be a part of a team will then

be lined up and batted mercilessly

now the narcissus has swish switched

from hunting positive supply to striking

out the negative narcissistic supply

it’s not about the accolades adoration

and acclaim now it’s about getting the

feed of I am powerful and valid because

I can affect you this severely it makes

the narcissist feel significant and even

omnipotent the narcissist also

temporarily feels vindicated because he

or she has punished you for threatening

their very emotional existence by trying

to force them to be normal so hopefully

now you can understand why the

narcissist is non-compliant puts things

off doesn’t finish things at home and

get so depressed angry and nasty when

forced to do tasks for you or the

children and in such a stark contrast

why they derive such pleasure and energy

by putting themselves out diligently and

consistently for other people outside of

your four walls so hopefully now you

know that there is no way you’re going

to get the narcissus to change he or she

will always hunt a narcissistic supply

and unless you become a fawning fool you

are not that constant source in fact

once past the honeymoon you will

regularly be the dump master to be

beaten up and to project wounds onto and

to attack and hurt and even if you do

become a fawning fool you it still at

times are going to be the dump master

because you’re having a relationship

with somebody who’s not interested in

you and the slightest and simply never

can be because he or she only has the

energy available to balance the delicate

and necessary regulation of narcissistic

supply to themselves so this means we

have to get out if we want the hope as a

happy and a healthy life so let’s take

it back to the start when I said for a

while we’re not going to get other

people’s support or them realizing who

the NASA

and we’re not going to get them to help

us heal and I also said that this was

all imperfect and divine order and the

reason for this is because the reason

that we were attracted to and attractive

to and hooked into narcissus even when

their mouth dropped is because we were

at that time under developed emotionally

we did not have a whole solid inner

identity who could be an adult in our

own body healthily generating our own

life we’re instead dependent sourcing

love approval survival and security

through others approval and their

validation others and if people now

after being abused by a narcissus

goddess supporters and Baptists then the

entire healing shift the massive up

level opportunity of narcissistic abuse

could never be claimed and actualize

bias and we would only back at square

one again still broken still susceptible

still dependent and still being

precariously prone to clinging on to

people even when they’re abusive so here

is the 100% necessity to become whole

self actualized non dependent and clean

you to people even when they hurt us

unable to steer our life healthily into

self-generative life-affirming

relationships and easily walk away from

ones that don’t match up it’s this we

need to become to ourselves everything

we want to receive from others and

please no self partnering is never about

becoming an island people may think if I

come home to heal myself and I don’t

need to get my wholeness from others

then I’ll never need people ever again

that’s true and that is exactly what you

want and I know that sounds totally like

a dichotomy but it is true because when

you are no longer empty and needy and

when you are whole people healthy good

loving people will flood into your

experience because you’re already being

and that

to them they match who you are in your

inner identity which is always what your

outer life is going to look like and you

can accept these people and you can

sustain relationships with them until

then that is not possible

and like my previous self you are only a

match for more empty and needy people

narcissus being the Big Kahuna’s and

these types of people so here is the

thing this is about dropping the need

for people to get you get who the

narcissist is and back you and help you

heal and rather it’s about you doing

that work on yourself and then I promise

you the street angel home devil thing

and your experience will collapse on its

head did in my world narcissus number

one had others so convinced that he was

wonderful and I was terrible one of my

family members used to go to his place

after I’d escaped to do resigning for

him my own son believed that I’ve been

having affairs behind everybody’s backs

my best friend had joined forces with

him and turned against me

virtually every single person involved

in my world who had believed him once I

so partnered and fully committed to

healing me turned away from him and came

back to me and I didn’t do anything at

all to make this happen and in fact when

it happened I didn’t even need it to

happen because I was already feeling the

most organically whole way ever had in

my life as a result of finally self

partnering and committing to releasing

my inner trauma and growing myself up to

become a healthy whole person and the

people who were in his world as

acquaintances he was still convinced

that he was wonderful I couldn’t care

less about them I was already at the

stage of knowing that he was merely and

magnificently a catalyst delivering me

finally home to myself and my healing

actually had nothing to do with him

anyway

so of course in realities other than the

one with me of course he’s going to

continue on being the same being this

storm of trauma that will hopefully

awaken others as well and my life now

awakened started to fill with more

validation love and approval that I’ve

ever known was possible tons more than

even before I was abused because as the

total key to make it happen I finally

become that to myself so I hope that

this episode has really helped if you’ve

been suffering the street angel home

devil stuff that we all didn’t have and

please come over to the blog and join in

the conversation with this which is blog

Bellini Tony Evans calm and until the

next little video that’s it for me from

sunny Darwin lots of love bye bye