Marriage Therapists Who Follow Their Own Advice

What drew me to John was his ego. It was like a rock; mine was like quicksand. He has the best sense of humor and boundless curiosity. I knew I would never be bored, and I never have. He supports my dreams.

We’ve learned to create a dialogue about our differences and to accept them. Humor kept us alive when we had conflict. We realized we had to stay calm and focused enough to describe ourselves rather than describe each other.

I learned not to run away, to take a break and breathe. To say what I needed or what had hurt me. He’s learned to let me do that. My pauses were me thinking; he took them as I was done, so we had to learn rhythm. We’ve learned deeper understanding, which softens the edges around compromises.

He’s helped me be more patient and tolerant. I’ve become 1,000 times more self-confident. His love has been unconditional. He has seen talent in me I never saw and that took me years to own. He’s become more compassionate, humble, and less defensive.

When I met him, I looked in his eyes and saw his soul, sparkle and intellect. I knew the love we could have would be bedrock. And it has been.

Dr. Gottman I arrived in Seattle in May and dated 60 women in 10 weeks. I found most of them in the personals. Julie was No. 61. She was witty, funny and smart. She was perceptive and insightful, loving and forgiving. She still is. I call her the tiger. She’s very fierce. She’s a good protector of our family.

She’s fearless, I’m fearful. I can tell you 10 ways you can die at a picnic. I’ve learned a lot of humility and to respect her in a very deep way. When we started working together I was really arrogant and challenging. We used to have big fights about who was right; we don’t anymore. When we sit and talk about an issue, I’ve learned to examine my own self and issues. I had to go out of my comfort zone. Her point of view and clinical expertise is really smart, even when I disagree with it.

When she’s upset, I’ve learned the world needs to stop — to close the Kindle, and to listen to her, to not react, which is hard for me to do because I’m very defensive. I used to think, I’m innocent, it’s your fault. I’ve learned to shut up and listen and take her seriously before I talk about my point of view. I’ve learned that the bigger her emotion, the more depth there is behind it.

Marriage is always changing; you’re always learning, even after 30-plus years. That’s exciting and helps me feel really close to her.

Every year we go on a honeymoon for 10 days. For the last decade we’ve gone to Salt Spring Island in Canada and stayed in the same room. We ask each other three questions: What sucked about this year? What was good about this year? And what do you want next year to look like? It’s one of our rituals of connection, and that keeps us deeply connected.