This video answers the question: How can people that are narcissistic and psychopathic use emotions to manipulate people? What I’m really talking about here is a specific type of manipulation, where people try to elicit a specific emotion to achieve objective. We know this tends to be more associated, as a behavior anyway, with narcissism and psychopathy. Somebody doesn’t have to be narcissistic or psychopathic to be manipulative. When we talk about emotions what we see is that emotions are thought of as helpful.
If we look at emotions, we see there are only six basic emotions and they are present across all cultures. The emotions are anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise.
Emotions are simple, immediate, and they’re constricted to really just six types, although the amount of expression would be different depending on the situation.11:46
typically without the personality traits
of narcissism and psychopathy another
reason that narcissists encyc could pass
they’re so successful manipulation is
they lack empathy and this is a real key
even at the subclinical level here even
if somebody has narcissism and
psychopathy but doesn’t rise to the
level of any type of disorder any type
of mental disorder they’re still gonna
have some lack of empathy and that’s
going to be enough to facilitate
emotional manipulation in some cases now
we talked about specifically grandiose
narcissism and psychopathy so leaving
out vulnerable narcissism for a moment
we see the individuals with grandiose
narcissism and individuals who are
psychopathic are not vulnerable to
emotions right they’re exempt from the
rules they’re not invested and this gets
into what I call the trail of
destruction so imagine like an
individual who’s in a totally fireproof
suit it’s not only fireproof but it’s
resistant to heat they can pour gasoline
everywhere and play with matches if
something burns they’re ok with that if
something doesn’t burn they’re ok with
that too another expression here is
they’re playing with the houses money so
if they go into a casino and the people
the casinos say look here’s $10,000 but
you have to gamble it it’s not a big
deal you’re playing with the houses
money it’s not your money you’re not
losing anything you’re not risking
anything and that’s kind of how we look
at this grandiose narcissist and
Psychopaths don’t have anything to lose
because they’re not again they’re not
vulnerable to emotions
they don’t have to play by the same
rules they don’t have a way to get hurt
with the emotions the same as somebody
who does not have those personality
traits now the last reason that
narcissist in Psychopaths can be
successful with emotional manipulation
is they tend to be attracted to the
suffering of other people sometimes we
call this schadenfreude oh right the joy
and the suffering of others except with
narcissism and psychopathy it’s a little
more intense and if somebody lacks
empathy and they’re not vulnerable to
emotions and they like what other people
suffer it makes sense more or less why
they would use emotional manipulation
from their point of view that’s logical
it helps them to meet their goals so
what do all these strategies have in
common I find this pretty interesting we
look at all the emotional manipulation
strategies including examples I used
before what they have in common well
they’re all immature right that’s what
they really have in common they indicate
immaturity not sophistication so we know
that school-age children know these
tricks they use these tricks of
emotional manipulation so why do they
work on adults why they continue to work
as people grow older that’s because
people believe that emotions and
feelings necessitate a response again
they tell us something important we
should listen to them follow your heart
go with your gut trust your intuition
all those phrases are based on
separating yourself from logic and
following emotions even though there’s
not strong evidence that they always
point in the right direction now another
reason these strategies work is
impulsivity it’s hard to discount the
power of impulsivity so this is when
somebody has a negative emotion or
positive motion and they fail to
restrain themselves they feel compelled
to act on that emotion so impulsivity
again is a big part and believing that
emotions tell us something important is
a big part of it so when somebody
realizes that emotional manipulation is
occurring how can it be stopped how can
we stop emotional manipulation from half
well I talked about this in videos
before boundaries boundaries are a real
key follow the rules that you set all
the boundaries that you set before
experiencing an emotion so don’t wait
until a time when the emotions are
strong make those rules make those rules
when the emotions are expressed at a
relatively low level or there’s no
emotion now when people fail to react to
efforts to manipulate that will
eventually extinguish the behavior right
so another tactic here would be to cut
off the reward so if somebody’s trying
to manipulate you and you react to that
that’s only rewarding them for that
attempt to manipulate so we can think
about it from the point of view of like
operant conditioning right goes back to
the roots of behaviorism if there’s an
animal being used in an experiment and
they have to press a button to get a
pellet of food and every time they press
that button the power of food comes down
they’re gonna continue to press that
button if the reinforcement schedule has
changed so they have to press the button
twice they’re still gonna do it they’re
gonna press it twice and get the palette
of food and this number can be increased
quite a bit they can have to press the
button ten times or twenty times and
they’ll still do it because they know
that eventually they’re gonna get that
food so the only way to really
extinguish the behavior is to never
reinforce it it’s really surprising how
many times people will engage in
behaviors without the reward because
they know it’s still possible now I’ve
heard another argument in this area that
another tactic here would be to have the
opposite reaction that the manipulator
expects but in my experience this is
still a reward this is still a response
and it may not be the response the
person wants but it still may bring some
sort of pleasure or be satisfactory so I
would say that’s not always a good
strategy no reaction I think in terms of
behaviorism is a more effective strategy
most of the time now these ideas about
how to avoid emotional manipulation
they’re not the same thing as not having
emotions rather not engaging in a
behavior
or at least not engaging in it when the
person who’s narcissistic or
psychopathic or whoever they are can see
you if you have to react if there’s no
way to kind of suppress that reaction
have that reaction in a place where you
could not be observed by the person who
is attempting the manipulation again
whether their narcissistic psychopathic
or not that’s still a way to avoid
rewarding them so I know whenever I talk
about narcissism psychopathy
manipulation whether it’s emotional or
not there are always going to be
different thoughts people are going to
agree or disagree or have other opinions
please put those opinions in the
comments section they always generate a
really interesting dialogue as always I
hope you found this description of
emotional manipulation to be interesting
thanks for watching
Inside Cornell: Analyzing the words of psychopaths
The psychology of digital marketing. Rory Sutherland, Ogilvy
In his keynote address at our CMO Insight Summit, Rory Sutherland from Ogilvy & Mather explained why “psychological insight is just as valuable as technological advance.”
The Patterns of High-Conflict People
And why you shouldn’t let them dampen your spirit.
Did you ever meet someone who seemed pleasant enough, until one day they suddenly turned on you and started raging at you for some minor disagreement, blaming you for things you didn’t do, threatening you with public humiliation or demanding that you assist them in criticizing someone else? Such people are often considered to have “high-conflict personalities.”
After studying and teaching about high-conflict personalities for the past ten years, there are several important lessons to be learned to avoid engaging in conflict with them in your family, at work or even in a legal dispute with a high-conflict person (HCP).
1) They are predictable: High-conflict personalities are surprisingly predictable, once you know the warning signs. Since they can become dangerous, this basic knowledge is becoming more and more essential for everyone, and it’s not complicated. It’s all about recognizing patterns.
High-conflict people (HCPs) have a narrower pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving than most people. This high-conflict pattern makes their behavior more predictable than that of the average person, and makes it easier to identify someone as a possible HCP.
2) They increase conflicts: High-conflict people have a pattern of behavior that increases conflict rather than manages or resolves it, revealing warning signs that you can look out for. Sometimes this involves a sudden intense escalation of the conflict (screaming, running away, violence, etc.); sometimes it involves dragging out a conflict over months and years, while pulling many other people into it.
3) The issue’s not the issue: It’s essential to understand that, with high-conflict people, the issue that seems to be the cause of a conflict is usually not the actual cause. The issue is not the issue. With HCPs, their high-conflict pattern of behavior is the real issue.
4) They have an identifiable pattern: High-conflict people usually have the following four primary characteristics.
· Lots of all-or-nothing thinking
· Intense or unmanaged emotions
· Extreme behavior or threats
· A preoccupation with blaming others—their Targets of Blame
Lots of all-or-nothing thinking: HCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution (i.e., everyone doing exactly what the HCP wants). They don’t—and perhaps can’t—analyze the situation, hear different points of view, and consider several possible solutions. Compromise and flexibility seem impossible for them. HCPs often feel that they could not survive if things did not go exactly their way and they predict extreme outcomes—death, disaster, destruction, etc.—if others do not handle things or respond in the ways that they want. If a friend disagrees with an HCP on a minor issue, the HCP may end the friendship on the spot, in a classic all-or-nothing response.
Intense or unmanaged emotions: Many HCPs (but not all) tend to become very emotional about their points of view. They often catch everyone else by surprise with their sudden and intense fear, sadness, yelling, or disrespect. Their responses can be way out of proportion to whatever is happening or being discussed, and they often seem unable to control their own emotions. Later, they may regret their outburst—or, sometimes, defend it as totally appropriate, and demand that you feel the same way.
Extreme behavior or threats: HCPs frequently engage in extreme negative behavior. This might include shoving or hitting someone; spreading rumors and outright lies about them; trying to have obsessive contact with them and tracking their every move; or refusing to have any contact with them at all, even though the person may be depending on the HCP for a response. Many of these extreme behaviors are caused by their losing control over their emotions, such as suddenly throwing things, or saying abusive words to the people they care about the most. Other behaviors are driven by an intense desire to control or dominate people close to them, such as hiding personal items, keeping others from leaving a conversation, threatening extreme action if they don’t agree, or physically abusing them.
There are also some HCPs who use emotional manipulation to hurt others but can appear very emotionally in control while they do it. Their behavior can trigger anger, fear, distress, and confusion in ways that are not obvious. They may seem very calm and collected. But their emotional manipulations push people away and don’t get the HCPs what they really want in the long run. They often seem clueless about how their behavior has a devastating and exhausting emotional impact on others.
A preoccupation with blaming others: The single most common—and most obvious—HCP trait is how frequently and intensely they blame other people, especially people close to them and people who seem to be in positions of authority over them. The HCP attacks, blames, and finds fault with everything their Target of Blame does. At the same time, HCPs see themselves as blameless and free of all responsibility for the problem. If you have been an HCP’s Target of Blame, you already know what I’m talking about.
HCPs tend to angrily blame people—both strangers and folks they know—on the Internet, because when they’re online, they feel a sense of distance, safety, and power. HCPs routinely blame strangers, because it’s easy.
If someone you know routinely demonstrates one or more of these danger signs, be careful. And if all four factors appear regularly in the person’s life, they are very likely an HCP.
Perhaps you already know someone with HCP traits. If so, here is the most important thing you need to know: Never tell someone they are a high-conflict person, or that they have a personality disorder, no matter how obvious this may seem. They will see this as a life-threatening attack—and a valid reason to make you their central Target of Blame, perhaps for years to come. From their viewpoint, it will be as if you’d said, “Please do everything you can to ruin my life.”
Instead, learn about high-conflict personalities and how you can avoid them or deal with them without becoming their Target of Blame.